Yes or No Question

QUESTION: Hello Chuck n Garland!

First of all, Thank you for you two wonderful men and your blog!

I am at a crossroad n I do not know how to make my next move! I have met this guy and we have sort of been hanging out and seeing each other a lot over the weekends (he lives an hr away from my hometown so we kinda alternate between his hometown n mine; every fortnight at his n the other at mine) for 2 months now. We both know that we like each other n I have met his parents when I stay over at his and they have been really easygoing and receptive all the time.

So it was last Friday after a rather early night out from his local pub, he asked "so r we sorta seeing each other?" and I said "er yea.......(long pause)........oh, r we?" and he replied "oh....well...doesnt matter i do enjoy hanging out with u anyway! its always good to see u n we have such amazing time". i knew i just shot myself in the foot. what a silly reply!!! I wished I could turn back time n gave him an affirmative YES. I knew I wanted it but I guess I was just kinda shy...what a twat i was!!! now I do not know what to do, should I broach the subject or wait for him to do it? I do not mind opening up first this time because I do not want to let go of such great man. hes a real gentleman, sensitive and really respectful towards me, his family n friends. and despite the subtle 'slap in the face', we still had an amazing weekend with his mates. no talks bout that subject again. everything normal. i left for home on tues.

also, hes going to university which is 5hrs train ride from where i live in september... i do not know if its worth giving it a try? we have kinda talked bout me going down once in a while n being more than welcome to crash at his flat when im not working over the weekends.

any advise from the both of u would be worth more than anything! thks a bunch!!!!

CHUCK: Gee. What's wrong with this picture? NOTHING!

Or almost nothing. This guy is supposedly sensitive, respectful, has nice parents, you enjoy his company. But you still pull back when he (that is, HE) asks for some small commitment between you. I say again: WTF.

I would like some more background on you. What experiences have you had that made you freeze up at his "going steady" question? Have you had any really bad romantic experiences? Did you have someone reject you when you approached them in a similar fashion? Is there any reason that would make you uneasy?

I understand if you were momentarily surprised, though. Men these days have conditioned women to expect them to avoid any relationship conversation like it was a guy with no pants on the subway. But there may be a couple of issues that are unconsciously giving you pause. Are you sure you want to be this guy's girlfriend? If you don't, that may be the source of the hesitation. And if you don't, well, that's all right. Just please, let him know that you don't feel the same way about him that he may about you.

Or you may be hesitant about his coming move to the university. Are you reluctant to be seeing someone that is five hours away from you? Again, it's understandable if that causes you problems. I don't see that as being an insurmountable distance. We've gotten questions from women in previous posts who are conducting relationships with men in different countries. Not always successfully, mind you. But I've always said that if a couple is mature enough, and committed enough, they can make a long distance relationship work.

If you find yourself feeling embarassed and guilty that you didn't answer him as quickly or decisively as you felt you should have, though, don't try to hard to try to get that moment back. You'll only call attention to yourself. Instead, wait for an opportunity of your own to show him how you feel about him, and that you're glad to be in his company. Odds are that you'll find one soon enough.

GARLAND: I think you should think hard about whether or not you can handle a long distance relationship with him being a 5 hour trin ride away. That's a big issue. If the answer is "Yes," or even, "I think so." then you should step up and let this guy know what's on your mind.

Chuck is right, don't try to get THAT special moment back though - but I say be agressive and make another opportunity to talk about your feelings. I always like just speaking up, risking a little embarrassment, and speaking my mind. That doesn't always work, but it is a darn site better than sitting idle and wishing on a star to fall you way. The next time you see him, take a deep breath and just talk to him about what you are feeling and give him a chance to talk [like a grown up] about what he's feeling. Look at it this way, YOU have the advantage! You have time to REHEARSE what you want to say!

My vote: YES! Put your cards on the table and see how he plays his hand!

Very best of luck!!!!

Tips: Things NOT to Discuss (or Do) on a First Date

In response to a request that we recently received, we 're starting an occasional feature, offering our tips and relationship advice, out of the context of answering questions.

For our first feature, we're going to try to perhaps lessen those uncomfortable looks and awkward silences that can make some first dates unbearable.

So here we offer a number of topics that perhaps should not be discussed on THE FIRST DATE, if ever.

GARLAND: Hmmm, this is an interesting one.

I've been on my fair share of first dates. And for some [lucky] reason I was usually able to tell which ones were going to be first and only dates and which ones where going to be the first of many. Before I say anything else, I want to make it crystal clear that some of the women I went out with were undoubtedly sizing me up too, and I probably did or said a few things that might have made them decide that they didn't want to get to know me either! So, I don't want to sound like I think I'm the perfect date!

Two things come to mind right off the bat - Marriage and Players.

I never think that talking about marriage, in depth, is a good first date topic. I think 80% of guys when they go on a first date, they are a little worried that the woman they are with are trolling for a husband. No, I don't believe that the majority of women are just dying to get married, and to those that like the idea, they don't just want it with just any old guy, but I know some personally that may talk the topic up so much that most guys duck and run for cover. If it comes up, touch on the subject and then move beyond it - there are so many other things to chat about.

And then, make sure you don't talk about the Players and Bums that have been in and out of your life [and/or bed]. You might think that it shows a guy that you've been hurt before and you might think that an honorable guy wouldn't want to do that to you twice, but more than likely, it MIGHT make you look like someone with poor judgement. To the wrong guy, that is like blood in the water for a shark, he may decide to see how much he can dog you too. Always act like you are on top of your game.

I'm going to add a few more very personal notes to this:

1. Don't lie to a guy on a first date and THEN don't turn around and tell him you lied! I once met this young lady on the subway, she was pretty and very interesting. A few days after we met she asked me to go out with her and help her pick out a suit for her younger brother who had his first job interview. When we met up that evening, she said that there was a big accident on the topside of the beltway and traffic was horrible and she suggested we go to dinner instead. I was all for it. Halfway through our meal she confessed that she had lied to me about the traffic and admitted that she just wanted to have dinner instead. I think she thought it was flattering to me, but I kinda' thought it was weird. It wasn't a terrible or particularly big thing, but it bothered me that she would just drop a lie on me for no good reason. Things eventually went no where between the two of us. Nice Sister - but not for me.

2. Don't be too candid! I went out a few times with this one woman, so this wasn't a first date thing per se, but we were having a really good conversation, and she said, "I'll be honest, I'm a much better friend than I am a girlfriend. I tell guys all the time, 'you're better off being my friend than my boyfriend.' " It was said in the middle of a bigger thought, but she said it and I would come to find out that she meant it. I should have turned and run away when she said that, but I was really feelin' her and hoped that maybe something special would develop. It didn't and when all was said and done, I blamed myself because she told me what she was about, but I didn't listen. So only say what you want heard!!! Nothing more nothing less.

3. Don't try to seem vulnerable. Okay, as corny as that sounds - it will usually work against you. Some ladies may feel that playing a little too heavy to the damsel-in-distress role, might make a man puff up his chest and become Ultra-Man. This might work sometimes because SOME guys feel they have to be the White Knight to the helpless lass, but for the most part I think it might turn off a lot of guys and I'd hate to see someone chase away Mr. Right by pretending to what they think HE wants them to be.

Happy Dating-

CHUCK: Someone stated in the comments to a previous post that I must have gone out with a lot of hoodrats when I was dating. I don't think so. But I definitely went out with my share. So here's a few don'ts for first dates. And no, all of these don't apply to me, personally.

-Don't try to outdrink your date. There's a scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. where Karen Allen, playing Indiana Jones' girlfriend, drinks a bunch of shady characters in a dive bar under the table. That's about the only time that behavior like that is considered cute or funny. Drinking too much on a first date is a no anyway. Drinking that much more than your date is a BIG no.

-Keep things light, unless given signals to do otherwise. If you lost your job, your transmission went up, your brother-in-law came out of the closet, and your cat got worms, talk about it if you must, but don't wallow in your misery. Most people like people who are upbeat, especially when they're getting to know each other. However, if the guy wants to list his complaints, too, you two go for it. We all need a pity party sometimes.

-True story: I once went out with this girl that I got fixed up with by a friend. She was fairly attractive, had a kind of earthy personality, if you know what I mean. We went out to a club, had a few drinks, and, before I took her home, she wanted to stop at a 7-Eleven in her neighborhood. As we come out of the store, she stops at this Mustang that's parked in front, and starts talking to the guy who's driving it. She seems to know the guy. I find it a little weird, but I don't stress it. Until she comes over to me and asks me if I'll buy her some cocaine. Yeah, that's right. The evening ended pretty quickly after that. And the thing is, I knew that going on this date was a mistake before that. I just didn't know what a big mistake it was. The advice here? JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

-Don't talk too much about bad exes. For some of the reasons Garland states: you don't want to call your judgment into question, etc. Plus, if you talk too much about that guy you used to date, who's upstate in prison, who "acted like he owned you" and is getting out soon, well, you may end up scaring some guys away.

-Don't talk too much about good exes. First of all, you may make this new guy you're dating start to feel inadequate. Second, it may lead him to think that you're not over the ex, and you're just dating him on the rebound. Even if it's true, you don't want anyone to think that.

Of course, all of these tips can apply to men, as well as women. Some people are hard on the first date experience. They think that people act dishonestly early on, staying on their best behavior until they feel it's safe to show what big a-holes they can be. But I feel that the initial thrill of that getting-to-know-you experience can be really exciting. Anyway, I hope that someone out there can find Garland's and my advice helpful. Happy dating, indeed.

Homeland Security Issues...

QUESTION: Hi,

Recently, I've run into a problem with my girlfriend; maybe the problem lies in me, or maybe it's in her, I don't know. We are going on to our 18th month in this relationship.

Hmmm.. recently, we went to this big event (a camp) as councilors which lasted for a week in school (but that's not the issue here).

Her guy friend (a freshman) turned up for the camp too, but he's in a different group as us.

Now, the story goes: MY girlfriend, is going overseas with THIS particular guy friend, B, together with another female friend, C to another country at the end of this month (3 of them together). It's not that I don't want to let her go, but the thing is that, I don't know anything about the guy, and I don't feel safe at all.

My girlfriend had 5 days to at least introduce him to me during the camp, or vice versa. But she didn't feel the need to. Maybe I'm just someone who needs lots of assurance. After all, they are going overseas together (though it's 3 of them). By the way, B is much closer to C than he is to my girlfriend.

Though my girlfriend told me that I can actually know this guy friend through this camp, she didn't make any efforts to make it happen. Call me petty, but I simply can't bring myself to walk up to this guy whom my girlfriend is going overseas with, and say "Hi my name is _________. You are...?".

Until this day, I know who that guy is (his name ONLY); I think he knows me too.. (name ONLY?), but we are definitely NOT friends. Jealousy is kicking in. Maybe the combination of Jealousy and the lack of sleep contributed to my grumpiness during the camp. But I can't simply hide how I feel inside.

Am I worrying too much? Maybe I do not have enough confidence in my girlfriend, or maybe I don't trust the guy. But the feeling really sucks when my girlfriend does not introduce her guy friends to me (especially when she's going OVERSEAS with one of them). What can I do now? :(

Thanks, and looking forward to your reply.

Regards,

GARLAND: Great question! A lot of guys don't have the heart to be this open, so I'm going to be extra candid in MY answer.

The issue isn't the fact that you may not have enough confidence in your girlfriend, the TRUE issue is that you don't have enough confidence in yourself. Hey - trust me, I UNDERSTAND that having your girlfriend on the other side of the globe with Mr. X, might not sit too well with you. A lot of guys might not be happy with that, you're human like all of us, and humans, while impressive, are flawed sometimes. We get jealous, we worry, we get insecure, and yes sometimes we cheat.

But listen to me - you mentioned "school" and "camp" and "freshmen" so I'm assuming that you don't mean high school and you're probably around 22 or so, that's REALLY not the issue, I'm just letting you know MY assumption.

As a man WHO HAS BEEN THERE, I want you to know that this is largely a matter of SELF-CONFIDENCE! When I was 22, I had this girlfriend who I could have sworn the sun rose and set around and I had ZERO self confidence when it came to myself and my relationship with her. After 12 or 18 months, I was so insecure and so worried about losing her that I drove her AWAY! I was so afraid of her leaving me and so afraid of not having her that I pushed her right out of my life. I did that... not her. My insecurities pushed her right out of my life. This is where I see you headed. And I want to help.

As a Man - I want you to spend some time in the mirror... YES, REALLY - IN THE MIRROR! Tell yourself all of the Good things about you and be honest and BELIEVE THEM AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! If this is your girlfriend and you all have been together for 18 months, then OBVIOUSLY she saw something special in you. Believe in YOURSELF! Don't BELIEVE that she is just dying to be with whats-his-face. BELIEVE that you are worthy of her faithfulness. And BELIEVE that if she does do something with ANYONE on this trip, then it will be HER LOSS, and the sun will rise on YOU the next day just as it did this morning!

I can't say 100% that she WON'T cheat on you. Only she can say that. But, I want you to keep your sanity and I want you get good nights of sleep while she is gone. YOU can't control her SO DON'T TRY! BELIEVE that you are special - have CONFIDENCE in yourself! BELIEVE that you are a good boyfriend and ENCOURAGE her to have a great time when she's out of the country. Use this time apart to benefit yourself!!! Go to some new places and check them out; pick up a new hobby; shoot some pool; drop a few pounds [or hit the gym and build up the bod]; hang out more with your boyz; read a few good books - just DON'T SIT AROUND STARING AT THE CLOCK UNTIL SHE GETS BACK!!!

Don't make a big production out of her leaving. Be positive and supportive, and let her know that you'll be thinking of her - but don't be weak and wimpy - no crying and begging and no necklaces made of daisies! Don't promise her a daily poem or song on your freakin' MySpace page either! Be a Man. Be her Man! Maybe she'll wonder a little about what YOU'LL be doing when she's gone.

And as far as this Mr. "B" goes. STOP BEING A JEALOUS WORRY-WART!!! The next time you see him, whether your girl is around or not, walk right up to him (I don't care what is going on) extend your hand and give him a firm manly (RESPECTFUL) handshake [none of that BS macho knuckle cracking stuff - give a good handshake!] look him him the eyes and smile confidently and say something like, "Hey, you're Bob, right? I'm Frankie. You excited about going to Germany in a few weeks?" You don't have to introduce yourself as Susie's boyfriend, he already knows that. And besides... "Susie's boyfriend" is a mere title, YOUR NAME IS FRANKIE! Make polite conversation about the trip, the country, travel and anything else relevant... ANYTHING EXCEPT SUSIE. After a moment, wish him a safe trip and walk away without looking back. You just let him know that Susie's Man wasn't some weak, timid, punk. You also showed him that you are a self-confident SOB. Don't shy away from this guy! If you do, then he'll definitely make a move on your girl - BE CONFIDENT, act as if you can't wait for her to leave. Be affectionate, respectful and most of all be Manly and Confident. Trust me... ALL WILL END AS IT IS MEANT TO.

CHUCK: Garland's pretty much correct here. A lot of the worries you're experiencing seem to be coming from you, not from her. You've seen this guy, you apparently know his name, you've been told that it's actually Girl C he's into, not your girlfriend. But you are obsessed and filled with jealousy over this trip. There are things that you can do to ease your mind here. You can swallow your pride? ego? insecurity? and talk to this guy, feel him out, and get an impression on whether this is the kind of creep who's gonna try to take advantage of a situation.

But if you really want something to worry about, think about the guys that are already there. Whereas Dude B might show some restraint with your girl, if for no other reason than she has a American boyfriend who might whip his ass, a guy from say, Spain, or Italy, or Nigeria, is not going think twice about trying to seduce your girlfriend. Some of them have plans to do it. And unfortunately, as far as a one night stand with a foreign womanizer is concerned, her embarassment and your hurt feelings could be the least of her problems. I'm just saying.

I'm not going to rail against what could be perceived as your lack of self confidence. But I will tell you this: Jealous, needy guys don't appeal to women, at least for very long. Ask yourself, do you trust her, and move from there. Has she tried to put your feelings to rest? Have a good talk with her before she goes and tell her how you feel. Hopefully, she can put your feelings to rest.