Relationship Autopsy

QUESTION: Hi Chuck & Garland

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me recently because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. He is 30, while I am 10 years younger, and hence he felt that there wasn't any end to this relationship at all as he would love to settle down and THINK that I did not. This came as a blow dealt to me as it wasn't what I had on my mind at all. I loved him and I had intentions to spend my life with him. Just 2 weeks ago, we came back from our new years holiday and everything was fine. Until I confronted him about some issues and he got upset with me for a week and said he needed a break. He finally talked on Sunday that week and that was when he said he needed to move on and find someone who would settle down with him. He felt that it was not going to be neither me nor him. He also claimed that it had nothing to do with ME, but it was him.

What really hurt me was when he said his feelings for me were always in a haze, when i asked him if he loved me before. Then when I asked him if he meant those things that he said before ie I love you and he said he meant it at that time but IT WAS HARD TO DEFINE. I was so terribly confused but he did not bother explaining anyway. He also said that I had not told him I loved him before but I did on a few occassion. I was thinking if it was because of the lack of reciprocation on my part that left to his insecurity in our relationship. He said I was right to know that he did truly care for me throughout our relationship. We practically lived together, me spending 4 days at his place and 3 at mine. I asked if there was someone else, he denied at first. And with my second probe, he said Yes maybe he was developing something for this girl back home in new zealand. I didn't know if it was true. He seemed pretty intent on this "quest" to look for a life partner, to the extent that he said we should limit contact because although he does spend time with his friends, he would love to devote/invest his time now to find "the one" now. I told him he made our relationship sound like a work transaction.

I am aware that I have to move on right now. It's so hard to remain here where I live because we have practically traveled the whole country and almost all her neighbours. I live in asia and it's so hard to stay anymore.

Thanks for letting me rant. There isn't any tangible questions in my letter but I am too confused that I do not know what too ask! There are so many things I want to know- Why does he not love me anymore? He just never give me a concrete answer for a proper closure.

GARLAND: No problem. I'm apologize for us taking so long to get to your question, sometimes questions get a bit lost when we carry them over from our inbox, I'm really sorry. I'm also sorry to hear that your boyfriend just switched on you like that.

I really wish I had some great insight for you, but sadly, some people are just jerks.

Giving you the runaround and then denying and then admitting that there was [or wasn't] someon else is the sign of someone that you are much much better off NOT having in your life. Don't sit back and waste time beating yourself up, look in the mirror and take a deep breath and remember that the woman you see is better than him and she deserves better for herself.

You are pretty young, 20ish, and believe me - you will look back on this guy as one of the positive things in your life. His treating you bad will make you stronger - TRUST ME ON THAT. If you don't believe anything else you hear in the next 12 months - BELIEVE THAT. You will come away from this stronger and wiser than you can ever imagine. You may not see that now, and your emotions may still be a bit raw - but down the road you are going to look back at this guy and laugh at what a loser he is and you will be so much the better by having moved on beyond him. TRUST ME, TRUST ME, TRUSE ME.

Best wishes to you!

CHUCK: I know that when someone breaks up with you, before you're ready to break up with them, there's a need to pore over the relationship to try to figure out what you did wrong. It's human nature. But that doesn't seem to be necessary here. Either this man is telling you the truth, about not feeling that you are the person that he wants to settle down with. Or he's giving you this line because he wants to be with someone else.

But does it really make a difference? Whatever the reason he broke up with you, he broke up with you. And, although he wasn't trying to spare your feelings when he did it, he did you a favor. The same way he believed you're not right for him, he's not right for you.

Take your time sifting through the ashes of this relationship if you must. But don't take too long. It seems it was hardly worth the effort. You're young, and when you're ready to settle down, you're going to find someone willing to settle down with you. Let the past be the past.

I guess I'm happy, but there's always room for improvement...

Chuck and Garland, First up, your blog is utterly awesome for real because of the honest insights both of you provide, and I am sure every single women here, including myself, and men really appreciate and value both your input!

QUESTION: I have just got a little to share today about my relationship with my (Ex) boyfriend, let's call him T.

Recently, T and I broke up because of certain trust issues he had been bottling up, and the 'deal breaker' lied in me hanging out with a guy friend I got to know recently through a girlfriend of mine, in the pub. T and I had previously spoken about going out with guys I meet in the pub, and having done it once (last year) and sought his forgiveness, he decided to give me a chance. Recently, I was out with this 'new guy' I met together with my girlfriend for drinks and my boyfriend got pissed and he called it over. I admitted that this was my fault on 2 grounds- First, I lied to him that I was out only with my girlfriend that night. And he was actually testing me because he already knew that I was out with this new guy besides my girlfriend (he found out for his friend)! So Bam! Deal broken. Second, as I mentioned, we had actually talked about this issue on hanging out with 'random' guys I meet in the pub and as I have already given my promise... but broke them again. I am not going to justify myself because I really saw it from his perspective. I felt guilt and pain for hurting him and wished I have thought twice before agreeing to let that 'new guy' hang out with my girlfriend and I that night and had not breached his trust. (my rationale was that since the 'new guy' was a mutual friend between my gf and I, it would be totally fine. Yet at the same time I know it's my fault, after that long talk my bf and I had that night we broke it off).

A few days after we broke up, I sent him a letter on Friday expressing my apologies and remained very cool and calm throughout the letter on the split. I told him I respected his decision to split and agreed that he needed space. He actually replied my e-mail on Sunday which I never expected him to do so at all- knowing that he was still mad at me!

My question is (I am sorry, there is always a question. I am deeply embarrassed.)

-After reading his reply, do you think that this relationship can still be salvaged? I am going to take things real slow and build this friendship all over again and then move on to the next level when the time ripes. What do you think? I don't want to read much into things myself and I know I need a man to put things into perspective for me. What should I do to not intimidate him at all? I do not want to rush into things and destroy every that we still share. I would like to prove to him that he could regain his trust in me through my actions and so I am being very cautious and hope both you Chuck and Garland could provide me with some insights!

Also, I know this sounds really trivial and you would probably ask me not to read some much into it, but again I need someone to put me on the right track! He actually replied my text message when I told him on Saturday that I found an Art Gallery he might be interested in. Anyway, we carried on exchanging a few text messages and out of the blue told me he was going to go to Jakarta for a day or two as that was a new work deal coming up (he goes to Jakarta very frequently for work), which had no link to the text content we were exchanging at that point in time. What do you think it is? Or is it simply nothing at all? Knowing him, I am actually really surprised that he replied both my text and e-mail and explained that he was sorry about the delayed response because he had been really busy with work. I know that at this very moment he is not even thinking about a reconciliation but do both of you think it is possible, for a men's perspective?

I have learned to take responsibility to my actions and am remorseful about it. I would like to show him that he really could trust me again... What should I do to not 'scare' him away? I did love him and my actions weren't representative of my actions (and I know it's not a valid reason... ha ha).

Thank you so much, Chuck and Garland! I really do not know who to turn to for some substantial and concrete advise on my relationship! Oh god, THANK YOU!!!

Kind regards,Trust-seeker.

GARLAND: What a great compliment you gave us at the start of your E-Mail! Thank you and thanks for your question. By the way, you have nothing to be embarrassed by!

This is an interesting situation, and I read the reply from him. He sounds like an impressively sensable guy. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't sound angry, he sounds a little hurt and a little disappointed but he sounds really cool about it. And, I think his reply is proportional to what happened. You didn't run off and sleep with half of the local rugby team in the middle of the town square. You just wanted to hang out with some new faces and have some fun - the last time I checked, that wasn't a crime.

Your ex, "T" probably wanted a little more exclusivity between the two of you... I bet he's about 3 years older than you... and you probably wanted him to be your main squeeze and yet you still wanted to enjoy being single and carefree. Very reasonable from both of you.

As a man, and reading T's thoughts - give him some room. A few months, or a year or so and then WHEN YOU ARE READY to pass on the 'new guys' at the pub. Invite him over for a cookout or some coffee and something casual. I think he'll probably welcome you back into his life at some point, but not until you lose your interest in hanging out with new guys.

The BIGGEST issue isn't when HE is ready to take you back per se, the BIGGEST issue is when are YOU ready to be taken back. If YOU want to hang out and meet new guys, then you need to go ahead and do it! Don't worry about getting back with "T" right now, go out and get what you are looking for, if, after a while, you haven't found anyone or anything special then maybe it's time to give him a call.

And keep in mind - you probably don't want to hear this - but maybe T isn't the guy you're supposed to be with. MAYBE you know that deep down, and maybe that's why you don't mind having a pint at the pub with the new chaps. Maybe you are just weighing your options and that is a very good thing, more people need to do that! The fact that T is probably a nice guy doesn't make what I just said any easier, but it still might be true.

If you really want T, you must give him a few months away, you must find out what draws you to these new guys and you have to satisfy this need - then things should unfold as they should.

CHUCK: Trust-seeker, thanks for the kind words and the question. You have to be one of the more self-aware persons who've ever sent us a question. You lied to your boyfriend, and not only did you acknowledge it was wrong, you give us two reason why it was wrong! All right. You get extra credit points for that.

As for your indiscretion, you messed up, but I've seen worse. You didn't, after all, fall into bed with those blokes from the pub. However, you did lie to him, and for the lied-to, the degree of the lie is not easily dismissed. He needs to figure out whether, and how, he can trust you again. That will take a little time. Maybe not a year, but a few months.

He's already trying to show you that he's willing to forgive you by staying in contact with you, and not acting angry towards you when you speak. But the odds are, he's still rolling the idea around in his head, "Will she go out on me again?" If you got back together tomorrow, your relationship couldn't be good with that hanging over your heads.

So give him some time. Stay in touch, but don't crowd him. Take into account Garland's words about whether this guy is, in fact, the right guy for you. Think that over. Mind yerself at the pub. And I think you've got a chance things will work out your way.