See you for next week's delivery!

QUESTION: Ok here goes: So I met this guy through work, almost a year and a half ago, he isn’t an employee of the company but he does stop in a few times a week to do business. We would casually have small talk in the beginning, nothing major. But over time, I started to like him and I could tell he started to like me. Several months after meeting, we tried getting together to go out for drinks and things but there was always an issue with one of us so we never really went out. A couple months after that, I don’t even know how it happened, but we started texting each other more and it turned sexual and it came out that we were both were attracted to each other but that if anything would happen, it would just be like a friends with benefits type of thing. After awhile we finally did hook up. Well we only got together that one time since, but we still try to see each other to get together but he’s always so busy with this job and he never has time for anything, even time for himself and his own life.

But since we hooked up that one time, we seem to be getting closer even though we’re haven’t slept each other since. Its still there though, the desire, I know he wants me and he knows I want him. There have been times where I would sneak into the restroom with him and he’d kiss me, make out for a couple minutes. It became a thing we did. But now we go outside to the parking lot where I walk him to his company vehicle and we kiss goodbye there. But he always initiates the kiss. And every time it’s so passionate, he moans every time I kiss him. It’s something in the way he kisses me, I can feel something more behind it. I feel like he has feelings for me but he’s kind of hard to read. I mean, we talk every time he comes in, we’ve messaged each other over other things besides sex. When he comes into my job and sees me, he automatically walks straight to me, we both do and people have noticed it, there’s even a been rumor about us for awhile now.

He’s recently started opening up more to me about himself and his life, he’s asked me my opinion on his appearance, things like that. I’ve been opening up to him too about myself, more so to show him that I want him to feel comfortable opening up to me. I went out of town for a week and he texted me a lot, just to say to be careful and find out about my trip. We’re texting a lot more now, I’m still always trying to give him his space, and sometimes when I do and I don’t text him, he’ll text me out of nowhere to just ask me what I’m doing. I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m almost sure he’s starting to feel something, I can feel it, or something when we’re together, but I don’t want mess things up between us either and tell him that I have feelings for him. It’s like right now, we’re technically not sleeping with each other, but the times that we do see each other at work, after we do our little flirting/talking and everything else, he always wants to kiss me and hold me. That’s why I don’t understand. Most fwb’s just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out. So I don’t understand him. I don’t know what to do. My question is what is he really feeling? What does he really want? Is he scared? Taking it slow or maybe trying to figure out how I feel about him?? HELP! Thanks!

GARLAND: You say that "most FWB's just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out." I'll be real here, that sounds like a very bold statement, very bold and very confident.  Are you certain that MOST FWB's don't want to kiss? Really, so is that a Gallup poll or a CBS poll that found that?

The reason that comment raises my eyebrow is because of the certainty in your claim.  It sounds like someone who has convinced themselves of something and is making broad general statements to make everything nice and neat.

I think this guy wants just what he has, someone to get a little kissing and some heavy petting from.

I certainly don't know how old you are or where you work, but sneaking off to the bathroom for some kissing and snuggling sounds like something teenagers would do or a married man would try to pull off with someone he likes to flirt with.

The fact that you use the word text a lot sends up a bright red flag with me.  Maybe you've never read this blog before, but I hate texters! I hate guys that aren't man enough or don't care enough about a woman to stop his day and CALL HER ON THE PHONE! He lets her hear his voice and he hears her voice.  Phone calls are easy, they take just a few minutes and a modicum of privacy.  A man needs to show a woman that she is worth him stopping his day to see how she is doing.  Texting on the other hand is the lowest of the low when it comes to communications.  A man can be sitting right next to his wife or girlfriend and popping out dozens of texts to any number of women - texting is the best way for a cheater to keep his happy main lady clueless and his clueless lady mainly happy.  Demand More!

Finally, I just going to say it... I haven't blogged in a while and maybe I feel like I need to make up for lost time... You talk about how almost all of your interactions revolve around work and you mention that your co-workers are passing rumors about you - well, I'm sorry but that is not cute.  Your co-workers aren't saying that you two look like peas in a pod or you should be standing on top of a wedding cake together, they are probably saying unflattering things about you and they are wondering why you - probably a nice, reasonable and likeable woman are sneaking into dirty bathrooms and wandering lovingly out into a parking lot to hold hands with a guy that spoon feeds his time and affection to you.

If you don't demand more - you'll get what you ask for. 

You seem to acknowledge that you are fine with being Friends With Benefits, and you are fine with being at arms length with this guy's TRUE affections and you are fine with being someone that he has to take into a bathroom to be close to. You seem to be fine with the fact that that is what he wants from you. You asked if he is scared and I assume he's not scared of anything, aside from his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend finding out about you.

What is he feeling?  He's feeling pretty happy that you aren't asking for anything from him. 

CANT TALK NOW, GRLFRN CMING IN ROOMM

QUESTION: My boyfriend of a year has recently started texting other females. I do not know what the messages say or even what they talk about because recently do to extenuating circumstances, he has had to move back to Puerto Rico which is where he is from. So as of now we are in a long distance relationship. I am not sure if I should be worried or not, because I know they are just text messages, but I have asked him not to text other females because I think it is very disrespectful. He stopped for a little while but then started back, this time it was different girls. Does he not love me anymore? Does he not want a relationship anymore? Should I move on? We also have a child on the way, which is why I am so reluctant to believe that he wouldn't want a relationship anymore. And partly because when he was here, we really didn't have many problems. I just want to know exactly what I should do? Am i overreacting? Or is there something to worry about.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. So, Your Man is texting other women. I say ‘women’ because I hate the term ‘females’ even when a woman uses it. ‘Female’ sounds so odd to me, cows and chickens are ‘females.’ I think guys started calling women ‘females’ as a way to be politely disrespectful, almost like calling them “B’s” in their faces without actually using the word. But that’s my two cents, and I guess you didn’t ask me to critique your vocabulary.

In my opinion, your man ‘texting’ a bunch of other ladies is not really cool. Texting now is pretty much like talking on the phone, only slower and with a less inconvenience, but it’s a rather personal exchange. Now, I think men and women can have friends of the opposite sex, but they have to scale that number back when they get into a relationship. Every woman that is on your man’s Facebook Friend’s list isn’t a REAL friend, so he should have a small number of women that he should be texting. Frankly, I just don’t trust a whole lot of texting back and forth, especially if he knows that it bothers you. That tells you straight up that keeping his little secret conversations with these mysterious women is more important than you and any relationship with him.

The Writing, uh The Texting is on the wall here. You know What your Man is Thinking.

Good luck.

CHUCK: Texting has become a pretty socially acceptable way to do dirt these days, for the man or woman with cheating on their minds. Put it like this: You wouldn't tell your boyfriend if you called another guy on the phone 5 times in one day. But you might not think twice about telling him that you texted another guy a few times yesterday. Because, you know, texting is just innocent, right? Wrong.

The same kind of escalating flirtacious behavior that goes on on the phone can take place on text. And even better, since they can be accompanied by the odd risque photo. While I hate using out-of-date manufactured terms from a Fox News Investigation report, "sexting" is a real thing.

You say that you are currently in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend. This texting may be a completely innocent way for him to relieve the pressure of being away from you. However, you say that you have asked him to stop, and he hasn't complied, just found a new bunch of women to send to. You're right. That's pretty disrespectful.

Is this your first child that you and he are having together? Because he may be feeling nervous or overwhelmed with the idea of having a child, and is thus tentatively pursuing more trivial relationships with women. That, of course, would not excuse him, but it would make him easier to understand.

What I would suggest you do is approach him again on this topic, tell him you are uncomfortable with him keeping a little text-harem, and ask him to stop. If he does, great. If not, you need to decide how far you want to take this. I realize that you two are expecting a child, and when he's physically around you, things are fine. But you need to know, if you two are going to stay together, that he is putting you first in his life. It's that simple.

Never Settle

Dear Chuck and Garland,

I’m so glad I’ve found your blog. I’ve read some of your posts and I’m impressed by the wisdom you provide to your readers.

I am 31 year old and live in Europe. Few months after I broke up with my first love back in 2003, he went abroad and started his own life in the USA. After this relationship was over, I’ve never found a long lasting and satisfying relationship with a man. I started some relationships and after less than 5-6 months I gave up pursuing them. I’m very confused and don’t know if there is love as I imagine it or love just doesn’t exist.

In the past 7 years we had many communication issues with my first love. Recently he contacted me and invited me to marry him and join him in the United States. Last winter we spend amazing time in Italy and we both started to organize the documentation for a fiancée visa. After some skype conversations I remembered the reasons why I left him 7 years ago. He has changed a lot, however some traits remain.

[I’ll give you a short example what makes me mad: he often says “I like you because you are independent and you can handle any situation. I like you because you are able to overcome any difficulties by your own.” That’s good for me, yeah? Unfortunately we both had some tough situations and his reactions were either nervously striking the floor with his foot or lighting a cigarette. Beside this he often jokes in a very inappropriate way so I’m offended and hurt]

I’m in doubt if I should commit with this man. If I decide to leave Europe and start a new life in the USA, there will be some big changes in my life and I would be ready to face challenges only for love. As I haven’t found a big love in the past years, I ask myself – am I doing [something] wrong? What do I want from a man? Maybe I should take him as he is… As I’m in doubt, I don’t know what to do – pretending I’m in love and marry him or staying where I am and waiting for the “BIG” love. Not to mention that I’m over 30 and many friends often say “It’s time to build a family and have children” !?! I don’t want to have false expectations towards love and to wait for Mr. Right for ages. But if I suspect I would be unhappy in this relationship, why should I start it again?

Thanks in advance for taking your time and answering me

GARLAND: Thank you for your great question and I apologize for the delay in getting it answered. That was my fault, and I’m sorry.

Now, as far as your situation goes, I truly see your dilemma. Let me give you my feelings on what you’ve said. First, I DO see how you could feel that ‘true love’ doesn’t exist. Actually, I’ve been there myself at one point. I was wrong. And I’m optimistic that you are wrong too. Let me share what got me through that time in my life. I don’t know if you are a person of faith, but I am, and what I did was ask God to let me know when that special person came into my life. I didn’t ask him to send me someone per se, I just asked that when he was ready and decided that I was too, that he just tap me on the shoulder, and say, “Hey G, she’s the one. This one right here.” And then I went on enjoying my life, enjoying my friends, enjoying the world around me and enjoying whatever came my way. It worked for me and I hope it will work for you.

As far as this guy here in the states goes. You sound like you gut instinct has labeled life with him as “settling” and let me tell you. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER – SETTLE. Life is far too short for bitter lemonade! Dump a scoop of sugar in it and enjoy the sweetness! Don’t settle for this rude, thoughtless, needy, petty little man. Don’t you dare come over here and marry some clown that tells you, “I like you because you are stronger than I am.” That is some foolish horse-pucky if I’ve ever heard it!

Let me tell you something that I told a good friend of mine one time – You give yourself to a good man that WANTS you, not a weak man that NEEDS you! When someone NEEDS you, they are addressing something they lack in themselves that you have. When that NEED is filled, they will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS find a way to let you go and drift away from you. When someone strong WANTS you, they WANT to share with you, they want their strengths to be with your strengths and together the two of you can take on the World!

As far as your friends and family go with all of the “When are you getting married foolishness,” few things in life piss me off more, than stupid people trying to set someone else’s “Life Achievement Clock.” Trust me when I tell you, I’m positive that trying to satisfy someone’s expectations in life, love and families leads to more sadness and pain than anything else a person could do to themselves. When thoughtless morons question your lifestyle or the things you have or haven’t done yet in life – ask them when they are gonna’ lose weight, or stop smoking, or get a job, or get a degree, or stop cheating on their spouse, or get rid of that piece of crap car they drive, or get their teeth whitened? I’m sure they won’t bring up your marital status again!

Best wishes!

CHUCK: Garland has got it right. We view our first loves through rose-colored glasses, and frequently with a sense of nostalgia that causes us to overlook that person's shortcomings. So the fact that you're considering this man's marriage offer, despite the fact that he's throwing up more flags that a July Fourth parade, is vaguely ridiculous.

Because, if you take him up on his proposal, I can see your future: You two have broken up. You're frustrated and rootless because you have left your home for him. You may have a child or two, so you are tied to him for years to come because of that. All because you ignored the signs when you saw them.

Forget about settling for this man. Forget about listening to the harrassment of your friends. Because it never ends. First, it's, "When are you going to get a man?" Then, when you get one, it's "When are you going to settle down?" Then, "When are you two going to have kids?" Then, "You've got a boy. Don't you want a little girl?" And on and on. But you have to live your life by your timetable, not someone else's.

So, hold your ground and be strong. It's my experience that, when you stop focusing on finding someone, that when you're most likely to meet somebody. Keep an open mind, don't sweat the clock, and just make a decision to enjoy your life. The right person will come to you soon enough.

Interest-free Relationships

QUESTION: I’m sure this is a question you get often, but I would love an honest answer. My boyfriend of 9 months has lost interest. He lost interest about 2 months ago. Before that we texted all day, he was very affectionate with me, everything couldn’t have been more perfect. Now he never texts me, only answers my texts back and when he does it takes hours to get back to me & the messages are just cold. He hasn’t given me a compliment in 2 months, no longer calls me baby. he hardly even looks at me and all affection is gone, any affection I get, is because I am giving it to him, I feel like hes forcing himself to wrap his arms around me.

When I ask him whats wrong he says nothing, but I know he’s lying.

When I suggested to him that maybe we needed some time apart, he got angry, then was affectionate for about a week, but is back to being cold again. I don’t know what to do, this is really taking a toll on me. I really think this guy might be the one, and he has told me before that I am the one for him, he’s even spoken to me about wanting to possibly start a family, which came as a complete surprise to me because I know that’s something he hasn’t discussed with previous girlfriends (the last 2 gave him the commitment ultimatum, and have all lost, the relationships ended) I don’t want it to end, I want to fix it. (just FYI we are in our 30’s).

I know we have gone through some tough things recently but my feelings for him haven’t changed, but his have seemed to have changed drastically. I have heard that the best thing to do when a guy has lost interest is to break up and drop all contact with them so they have some space & he can take some time to realize that life sucks without me, but I know that back fired to the last girl that did that to him, it sent him running straight into my arms and we have been together since lol. I def don’t want to send him into the arms of a new girl. Please help!!

GARLAND: Thank you for your question! I sincerely apologize for the delay in getting you this answer!

Let me start by hitting two points right off the bat:

#1 Please don’t fool yourself into thinking you know anything about his previous relationships! You know ONLY what he has told you. You know ONLY one side of a story, and that is ONLY if he is not lying! So, please please please - drop the whole perspective of thinking that you know about ultimatums that prior girlfriends gave him, or statements that he did or did not make to them. Once you start taking his word as gospel, you’ll start forming opinions that might be way off the mark, so let’s ONLY work in the realm of what you can see and touch. That will save you a ton of drama later in this relationship. If you listen to nothing else I say, LISTEN TO WHAT I JUST SAID.

#2 The Best Advice is NOT to cut ties with him until he changes his mind. Cutting ties may be the best thing to do, but don’t do it under the assumption that he’ll ‘come to his senses’ and come running to you begging that you’ll take him back. That leads to all kinds of emotional foolishness and was probably started by someone who was not a man. But again, I don’t rule out cutting ties, as you’ll see in a minute.

Now, onto the issue – your man is drifting away. That could be any number of things. He could be experiencing some medical issues and maybe he doesn’t want to talk about them. That would make someone seem distant. He could have some problems going on at work, or he could simply be over-worked. Or, he could be losing interest in you, or any of five dozen other things.

If you’ve called him out on being distant, and he threw a hissy fit, followed by Mad-Love, and then distance again… he’s got some issues. I’m gonna’ be honest with you and I’m gonna’ quote one of my favorite WMAT readers, “Clarice”, and I’m gonna’ tell you “don’t borrow drama.” If this guy is shutting you down and shutting you out, just walk away now. Just walk away. If he can’t stay focused on you and your feelings after seven brief months, how do you honestly… HON-EST-LY… expect him to stay focused on you for a year, or two years, or three or five? If he has something going on and he’s not equipped as a mature person to discuss them with you intelligently, then chances are, he’s NOT ready for a grown up relationship and all the WANTING in the world from you is NOT going to prepare him for it. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I talk to questioners just like I would talk to my sister. I wouldn’t soft pedal her, and I’m not gonna’ soft-pedal you. He’s probably a nice guy and a fine human being, but if he is shutting you out, and won’t talk about it – move on and don’t look back.

CHUCK: There is another possibility with this guy you may need to consider: He may not know how to follow through on a relationship. He's courted you, won you, and nine months later, he doesn't know how to be around you. Some guys like the chase, the pursuit of a woman into a relationship, but don't know how to be in a relationship. It's an emotional maturity thing.

Garland's right about taking what he says about his past girlfriends with a grain of salt. As a matter of fact, here, take this salt shaker. He may be giving his past relationships a spin to make himself look good. And to discourage you from doing something he wouldn't like.

Anyway, you cannot trouble yourself with whether you expressing your dissatisfaction with his behavior is going to drive him away. He sounds as though he has essentially left you already. Responding to you only out of a sense of obligation alone is far from desirable, for you or him. So, it is worth it for you to address the issue with him one more time. Put the onus on him this time: "It seems as though you've been unhappy lately. Is there something going on that I can help you with." Give him the opportunity to be honest with you.

But be prepared. If he blows you off, and is attentive for only a couple of weeks to shut you up, then goes back to being an uncaring lump, get out. You and your self-esteem deserve more. Good luck.

What time is it?

QUESTION: Dear, Chuck and Garland:
I am 24-year old graduate student from Chicago. Recently my boyfriend of 10 and a half months broke up with [me] without giving me much reason. We met exactly one week before he moved across the country to Seattle to begin his first year of residency. We made an amazing connection from the first date and instantly I knew he was someone I'd be interested in pursuing something long-term with. He felt the same way (or so I thought). Approximately 3 weeks after he moved he flew me to Seattle and we made our relationship official. He asked me if I was prepared for a relationship and we talked about the hardships we faced with him being so busy his first year of residency, and the distance combined with not having much of a rapport. Things started off great, I would visit him about every month or so and when he could he came to Chicago. He's a very laid back guy and he never had a problem with anything I did or ever got upset if we didn't talk. Me on the other hand, the distance really started to take a toll. I had also just started grad school and working full time at a high stress job and I think I got a little needy with wanting his attention. It started with his days off, I looked forward to talking to him because I knew it was his day off but then his days off didn't really seem to differ from his working days in terms of us talking. I didn't want him to feel like his days off should consist of only talking to me, however, I did want to have more communication. I think he was always willing to make time, it's just that I didn't want to be the one to initiate it, I wanted him to want to make the time. At the same time, I knew he worked so hard that I wanted him to enoy his days off. Anyway, after 6 months he broke up with me right after spending Thanksgiving together and by this point I had already met his parents and close friends. He said his feelings had changed and that he didn't love me. A week later we got back together. Things were good for a while but then what I guess was neediness on my end began to show again and I would tell him what I wanted from him. He would say he would work on it and that things would get better after the first year of residency. We ended up planning a vacation to Mexico, I met him in Seattle for a couple days before going to Mexico and while in Seattle I had a dream that he was going to break up with me. We went to Mexico, at times he did seem a bit distant, when we were leaving Mexico things really felt awkward. I admit that I had an uneasy feeling when I left. Then sure enough 2 days after getting back from vacation I asked if he wanted to be in the relationship and eventually he said no.

I tried to ask why and I got several different answers: he doesn't love me, he's not mature enough for a relationship, maybe he can't handle something long term, that he wanted to feel more...

Keep in mind he has not been in a relationship for more than a year since his highschool sweetheart who broke his heart. He also mentioned to me at the beginning of our relationship that he didn't like girls who cried, that he's very picky, and he gets bored with woman.

I truly feel like we are meant to be together. I love him and at some point I believe love was growing for him aswell. I believe the circumstances caused a wedge. We haven't really spoken since the break up a month and a half ago. I have hope that he and I will work things out again, I feel like he just needs to see me again.

Is this a loss cause? I need advice!

Thanks,

GARLAND: Thank you for sharing a question that's so personal and close to your heart.

From what you've offered, I'm afraid this might be a lost cause. Let me tell you why. You have the distance factor, and while distance isn't always a relationship killer, I think in your case, the two of you didn't have any real time to build a foundation that the distance could stand on. One week, for two strangers, is little more than a blink of an eye. The two of you were possibly drawn into each other by the physical attraction and excitement of something new. That 's NOT a bad thing but I think it just wasn't a strong enough start to stand up to the thousands of miles between you and the busy schedules you both shared.

He probably wanted things to work as much as you did, but when two people meet and then get separated and all they can do is talk or write letters and E-Mails, human nature tends to start embellishing. Your mind and your heart tend to conspire to make this new person more than they really are. You subconsciously make them more attractive, more witty, more intelligent, more sexy, more enamored with you, more of the things we look for in the one we love and want to be loved by. This MAY be part of the problem.

I think him telling you at the six month mark that he doesn't love you was his first real shot at trying to be honest with himself and with you. His position couldn't hold up to the scrutiny you gave him so I guess he tried to play along. Eventually, he couldn't play the game anymore.

As a man, I'm glad he was decent enough to end the relationship. He not only set himself free, but he SET YOU FREE TOO! I know that may not sound good, but a lot of worse guys would have strung you along while doing whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted! They would have toyed with your mind, your time and your heart, but this guy knew that your relationship wasn't going to work and he called it quits.

On top of that, it sounds a little like this guy has some 'issues' that he needs to get over. If he's still pining away over a high-school ex, and he says he doesn't like crying women, he has some issues. Well - honestly, no guy LIKES "crying" women, but that is typically NOT a characteristic a guy uses when describing what he does and doesn't like in a woman. You started you question by saying that he didn't give you much of a reason - it sounds to me like he did. Trust me!

This guy has given you a new opportunity to find happiness elsewhere. Please don't blow this opportunity by going back to him, chasing him down and trying to make things work. Don't wait until next month and figure that he's changed his mind and give him a call! Don't peek in on his Facebook and tell him "you just want to be friends, like we used to be! Please don't do any of those detrimental things! You have been set free! Sure it hurts a bit, but the sun will rise tomorrow and I promise that it will hurt a bit less with each passing day. You sound like a young woman with a ton of potential and a million opportunities ahead of you take advantage of all of them, but don't look back! Best of luck to you!!!

CHUCK: A distance like the one you have between you is no way to start start a relationship. Because, as much we like to believe that absence can make the heart grow fonder, it can make a pretty big wedge between people, too.

He was in a new place, working on a difficult job. You have admitted to being needy, and sometimes asking for time that he didn't always have. He has baggage he still has effectively dealt with. You were obviously going through things, too. But he eventually found the distance untenable and wanted out.

Now, there are excuses that can be used to let someone down easy when a relationship is over. But he isn't really using them on you. "I don't love you," is really one of the most final things that can be said in a relationship. And there is a possibility to come back from virtually anything besides that. As Garland says, he could try to keep you around even though he's done with you, and he knows you have no future. But either for you, or (most likely) himself, he is trying to be as straight with you as he can. Be thankful for that.

You want to believe that you two are meant to be together. He, apparently, begs to differ. Please don't let what you wish, and want out of this relationship to lead you to waste any more time on this man. Long distance romances are never easy. But the least you need is the other person to be in the romance with. I'm sorry it didn't work out. But you need to move on. Take care.

The One That (Thank God) Got Away

QUESTION: Hey guys,

I adore your site and what you are doing for many women out there right now-it is wonderful!
I am hoping that you can give me your insight about an issue I am going through. About a year ago, one of my best friends introduced me to her cousin at a family party. We knew each other by face, because we had gone to the same highschool and he was a couple of years older than me. Anyway at the party we hit it off, and exchanged numbers. After that we spoke practically everyday. He would call on his breaks from work, and we even went out on a couple of dates. At this time he had just graduated from university and decided to take a post-graduation trip with the boys to Cancun. Up until the night before his trip he called, wishing me a goodnight and basically letting me know he would call when he returned. I had grown pretty strong feelings for the dude-call it sprung if you must lol. So throughout that week I could not wait until he returned. This is where things turned awry, I remember it as though it happened yesterday--he returned the thursday, and i did not hear anything from him. I did not take it as anything personal, instead I thought 'Okay, he just got home. He'll call when he unpacks' Meanwhile I always heard my male cousins say if they were coming home from a trip and genuinely missed a woman she would be the first person he would be calling when that plane touched down. Anyway, a few days passed and still nothing. By the end of the next week I finally texted him asking if he was alright, due to his cousin mentioned a family incident. He said he was fine, and we made small talk for a bit. After that I heard nothing from him. Absolutely nothing. His cousin, who I am fairly close with filled me in that he has not stopped seeing his ex, and was staying at her place that was close to where he worked. She even gave me insight to what he has done to a previous girl who thought they were in a relationship after he had taken her virginity. He ignored her, and finally when she attended the same event as him and he gave her a bunch of excuses she noticed a few 'love bites' on his neck.

Back to the story, about 5 months later he randomly calls me explaining himself after I had finally gotten over the hurt of being abruptly ditched. He said he was having a hard time and the whole 9 yards..blah blah blah. By this time I didn't care as much seeing that I had moved on myself. Realizing he was seeking some sort of forgiveness I told him I had nothing against him and it's in the past. He then suggested coffee, but I did not get back to him. That was 2009. This year after getting back from vacation, I activated my black berry messenger. I spoke to his cousin and she mentioned he had been asking about me as I did not show up to a party he presumed I was going to. I told her nonchalantly he could add me on bbm, not thinking much of it. Not even 10 minutes later he calls, appearing to be a 'changed' man. I almost felt embarrassed for him, the amount of times he would message me asking if he could call and how he wished me luck on every assignment i mentioned i was working on. It sounds nice, but the thing is...I don't trust him. He hurt me, and at this point in my life I find him to be an nuisance. I look back wondering what i was thinking, while it seems he is looking back and realizing what a mistake he made. He was always so conceited just because he now had degree behind his name. It was 'my philosophy' this 'theoretically speaking' that. Could it be he thinks he is that smart, he can pull one over on me?

I don't know why, but I almost feel bad because he continues to ask me out, wanting to go on a date a just spend time together and I just can't trust myself with him. A part of me enjoys that he now knows how it feels to be uncertain, but I can't help to wonder whether he has genuinely had a wake up call? or is he just lonely (he has mentioned something along those lines) and wants to attempt to pass the time with me. What are your perspectives on this guy? and how can I tell him that the furthest we will ever be is friends without being hurtful. I have a really hard time telling men I am not interested but every time my phone lights up with his name there is no longer that feeling I had last year, instead it is one of "Why the f*ck won't he just dissapear again!"
...Why on earth does it take a women giving up, for a man to regain and interest?

Sorry if i appeared to be venting lol and I sincerely thank you in advance for your time and input.

CHUCK: Can I just say: Good for you!

This guy doesn't necessarily mean you any harm. But that doesn't mean he's got anything good planned for you, either. There's plenty guys out there, looking to keep a young lady on the string by doing as little as possible in terms of going out, calling, etc. But let them take their eye off the ball for a while, and their lack of concern becomes apparent. That's what happened when he got back from Cancun. He couldn't be bothered to even keep an appearance up.

But it's good for you, because not only did you not date him, not only did you not give him some, by the time he remembered he should get in contact with you, you had moved on! If there's some potion you're drinking that we could pass on to some of the other women who send us questions here, please let me and Garland know.

Based on the facts provided here, I think it's pretty obvious that homeboy is smellin' himself a lot, basically thinking that you could wait around for him to get himself together. Has he changed now? I wouldn't rule it out completely. But I wouldn't bet a paycheck on it, either.

In fact, if you've grown tired of being pursued by a man that you can't trust, and aren't really feeling anymore, there's a guaranteed way to get rid of him: Act like you're interested in him again, and watch him disappear.

GARLAND: Nice answer Chuck. "Act like you're interested..." that is hilarious! But questionner - DON'T REALLY DO IT! We don't want to run the risk of you giving in and getting burned by this dude!

There's a chance that Ol'Boy has really seen the light, but based on what you've said - I'm not really feelin' that. Okay - sure, he dogged the young lady that your friend knew about but that doesn't make him a serial dogger per se, but after five months to be blowing up your bbm like that - it just doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy. And, if your friend knew that her cousin had done some shady stuff before, why didn't she bring this to your attention when she first brought him up to you? Not a big issue - but I did want to point that out.

I'm not sure what he's up to, but you'd probably be better served given him a wide berth. Even if he does want to try something serious with you, he sounds wishy-washy to me. You'd end up sleeping with him and catching feelings and then in a month or so, he'll be crying about how confused he is and he's been texting his ex lately and she was his first love and then he'll say he doesn't want to hurt you, and basically you'll be yesterdays news.

You want him gone - I'd say you do one of two things: A. straight up tell him him. Don't act high and mighty or smug - yes, you have the upper hand, but gloating brings bad karma. Just let him know that you want to keep things to a minimum between you two. But don't say, "lets just be friends," I don't think trying to stay 'friends' with someone you had feelings for is ever a good thing AND it's a mockery of your true friends. B. You can just ig him. Just plain old ignore him. When he calls or texts you, just don't reply. Maybe he'll get the message. If he doesn't and corners you at a party and asks you whats up, you can tell him you were busy OR you can go back to A.

I like A the best, myself.

Just don't spend too much time stressing over this chap. He may be harmless, but if you don't want him in your life, get him out of your mind first and everything else will fall in place.

Good luck.

Starved for Affection

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland, Help me on this one.

My partner and I have been together for eight years, living together for seven years. Our relationship hasn't been smooth, and we have one child together (5), plus...three other older children from a previous marriage. Right...so my question is his lack of emotion. I love him dearly, but he is a robot. No emotions whatsoever, little or no conversation daily. Comes into the house without a greeting, kisses his daughter, says hi to the boys, and if I get a grunt, I am lucky. I cannot tell you the last time I heard him say I love you.

I have been speaking to him about this for three years (of and on. Nagging will not help) now, and have really given up on expecting to hear it. The mood in the bedroom is different, quite the opposite. He is the most passionate lover that I have ever had...he is the kind of dream guy that every woman wants.....I cannot complain about his attentiveness and his consideration when we are in bed. (except he doesn't talk here either)

Outside...well.....you would swear we are strangers. I stopped being in the same gym with him because I cannot bear how it seems as if we are total strangers. He never acknowledged me, unless some guy came to speak with me.We never are affectionate in public, or outside the bedroom. Don't even try to hold his hand. I have already gone the route of totally vamping out to gain his attention, and get some affection ( I miss the flirting, and the way his eyes used to sparkle when he saw me). I have gone the route of the games in bed, tried flirting outside the bedroom....you name it I have done it.

It is starting to take a toll on me. I feel unattractive, I feel unappreciated...and even though I get attention from other men, (and I go out of my way not too because it annoys me), I get zero from him. He makes me feel like an annoyance, unless we are having sex...I even feel used. We never go out alone, and I have learnt not to expect any celebrations for birthday, christmas etc. I really feel like walking out......give me a man's take on this please. Help me see anothr perspective.

(From GARLAND - This Question got a bit lost in the mix here and went unanswered since June. I truly apologize for that. The Questioner has since provided additional information.)

While I have been waiting, further developments have been happening. I have found out that he has an alternative Facebook account, with an extremely sexy picture that screams "I am available". My attempts to befriend this account have been ignored, meanwhile his friends list of only women (well okay 2 guys out of the 68) is growing daily.

I have even found out that two of these "friends" are calling him.... well actually it was a call from one of his friend that gave me a name, which led tohis profile. This snooping is not like me.... but his refusal to attend family gatherings now, got me suspicious over the past two weeks.Yet, we still make love, passionately. But honestly guys, I feel like crap. I feel like I am not enough for him. He refuses to talk about it, and he refuses to let me know what he is doing. All the signs of cheating are there, and I am sick of feeling like one of the pieces of furniture in our home. We have been living together for the past eight years...honestly, I am bored, I know he is bored, and any attempts or discussions on my part to rejuvenate our relationship is met with refusal. I don't know if I could live in a loveless relationship holding on for the sake of the children (four, two are his, two from my previous marriage) What makes me feel really crappy is the fact that my last six relationships ended the same way..... I am tried of being cheated on...... So my question is..... stay and talk..... or take a walk?

GARLAND: Sorry again for missing your question.

There is so much I want to say, I hope I hit all of the points you mentioned.

You say that your last SIX relationships ended the same way? Let me say that YOU are the common denominator here. You are drawing bums in and you are allowing them to be a part of your life and you are allowing them to dog you out. I hate to say this, but you probably have very poor instincts for men. Sure, I'm certain that some folks will read this and say, "Why does it always have to be The Woman's Fault?" My answer to that is, "No, it's NOT ALWAYS THE WOMAN'S FAULT." But if your last six relationships ended with your men cheating on you, then YOU are doing something wrong, and you are doing it to yourself. I'll come back to this...

As far as your "partner" goes, you need to walk away. You have wasted a ton of your time 'living with' a guy that won't marry you, talk to you or look at you. I can't even muster up an ounce of pie-in-the-sky optimism here for you. I'm afraid that it will give you a glimmer of hope that will cost you another year of your life.

And the "love making," let's not get "love" all soiled in this situation. Doesn't 'making love' require TWO people to love each other? Otherwise it's called... well, you can imagine where I'm going. Don't make what goes on in the bedroom something it isn't. 'Making Love' is a sharing and showing of mutual affection between two people, from what you said, this guy might not spit on you if you were on fire.

The Facebook thing is simply what a man who thinks he's single will do. He'll put his image online and start attracting and spending time with interested women. Let's be honest, are you really THAT surprised?

One thing Chuck and I try to do with this blog is shave off the fluff and BS that some folks might give you. This guy is wasting your time and YOU are letting him do it. And, let me point out that while he is practically cheating on you in your face, he is still rasslin' around under the sheets with you! He is still taking whatever these other women have to give him and he is sharing it with you. Do you know what I'm saying? You could literally be killing yourself for this guy! We certainly don't want this!!!

I think, that once you've had enough of this guy's emotional neglect, you need to move on and starting loving yourself for a while. I don't know if that will take months or years, but after 6 or 7 failed relationships you need to treat yourself to some downtime and some positive energy. Then, when you think you might be ready to date again, you need to get together with a couple of your closest and smartest girlfriends and come up with a dating strategy and a "man-standards" check-list of points that they can hold you accountable to when you bring the next guy around.

In my opinion, just read your question again as if YOU are NOT the writer. And think about the writer as someone YOU love... a little sister, a cousin, your mother... what would you tell her?

CHUCK: I agree with Garland here. Normally, I would say talk to your boyfriend, about his lack of affection, about his seeming need to distance himself from you, about his second "sexy-man" Facebook page. But it sounds to me as though you've already tried to engage him on these issues, without much luck. So, while I know you have tried to put together a family, while I know it will be painful, you need to get the hell out while you can.

You seem to draw a distinction between the affection-free way he treats you everywhere else, and the attention that he shows you in bed. Make no mistake: That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. He could be mentally cutting and pasting your face and body with any number of his Facebook honeys. At the very least, he may be working on his sexual game in anticipation of the occasion when he will get extra friendly with these friends. So don't think, just because he's putting on a show in the bedroom, that it's all for your benefit.

It seems as though the only reason you are staying together is your family, and even that doesn't seem good enough for him now. It's a shame that he is not man enough to tell you what he is feeling, but would rather make you feel unloved and trash your self-esteem. He's a real prize.

I'm not going to rough you up about your admitted sorry track record with relationships. Not everyone ends up being the person that they seem to be in the beginning. But I would ask you to be more wary of danger signs when you look to start a relationship in the future. You've been off the market for eight years, though. People are a lot worse at hiding who they are these days. Mostly because they don't care.

But I suggest you end this chapter of your life as soon as possible. You will always be tied to him because of the young child you share. But you are overdue some love from a man who can show you genuine love in more than just the bedroom.

Playing Yourself

QUESTION: I am recently single, 37 years old, attractive and young at heart. I would say a true Gemini and I am confident and happy for the most part. I do wish to have a relationship someday but I am tired of trying to find it.

So now I am just living each day with the hopes someday “he” will find me, lol.

I met a man about 8 months ago. He is an ex football player, very, very attractive and somewhat confusing. He is a Virgo and seems to be following most of the Virgo traits. I went out with him and actually slept with him that night with the intention I was not going to see him again. I am not looking for a relationship right now and told him that. I just wanted to see what it was like to have a one night stand as it was something I had never done and my girlfriends all convinced me the previous year without sex was too long. To just go have fun so I did I was very nervous and drank a lot to be able to do it. He kept saying you are so beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re going to fall-in-love with me, we need to get our kids together and hang out, ect. It actually freaked me out, BUT the sex was amazing, like nothing I have ever experienced and the way he looked at me just melted me.

So long story short, we went out a second time and then I blew it or at least I think I did. I try to contact a friend of his (female) on MySpace to see what kind of person he was, but she told him and he said not to contact his friends if I don’t trust him, that it was silly. I told him the truth (big mistake) that I really was feeling something for him and it was scaring me, etc.

Well then he ignored me for a while and I let it go. He contacted me again a few weeks later, we went out, he was a total jerk, and I left w/o sleeping with him. Then he contacted me again, I played hard to get and a week later contacted him, we went out, he was a total jerk, I told him off and then left again. It has been 4 months w/o seeing him, a couple text messages sent back (friendly how are you) then he asks me for a reunion last week, I say I'm busy, so he asks the next night, I say I am busy again.

Does he like me or what? Did I scare him away? Does he just want me to be a booty call? I am so damn confused but I still think of him and I keep hoping he will be the nice guy I first met but I am very hesitant to see him again. I guess I just am trying to figure out if he is playing me or not. Is there a way to tell?

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

Honestly, I'd have to say that he's not playing you - YOU are playing yourself.

Let's just look at this for a second.

You want a relationship and a seemingly decent guy falls into your lap, but for some reason you claim that you just want a one-night booty call with him... I guess maybe YOU were the Baller that night.

Then you stalk him out... yes, yes - you can word it as lovely as you want, but you were stalking him on his MySpace account and you contacted one of his female 'friends' just to innocently see what kind of guy he wants. Now say that to yourself 10 times and see if even YOU don't believe it. You wanted to know if he was screwing HER too and if he was [or wasn't] you wanted her to know that there was a NEW Aplha-Woman on the scene.

Then you go out, he straight disses you, BUT you go right back out again and he disses you AGAIN and then he kicks you to the curb, but the minute he contacts you again you WANT to go out, but you choose to play games.

Will he ever be 'the nice guy' you met that first night, maybe / maybe not - that first night, he was probably just trying to get what you claimed you wanted to give him - BOOTY. Honestly, we can all be pretty charming when we are on the hunt. I'm doubtful that any meaningful relationship is going to spring from what you just told us, but I could be wrong. Is he 'playing you?' Maybe a little, but I'm really sorry to say this, YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF THE MOST.

CHUCK: Garland's all over this one. If there's a bad move to make in a budding relationship, you have made it. I think you want to turn back the clock, but it can't be done. I can't even really pin down exactly which action of yours may have turned him off towards you the most. And I'm not even saying that it's right. But it is what it is.

I'm not going to take you to task so much for the first night sex, although I think your rationale and your way of getting to that point (by getting drunk off your behind) are faulty. I will tell you this, though: It may be a double standard, it may be unfair, but when a woman decides to act "like a man," she should expect someone to think less of them because of it. And it was apparent the this man was using the fact that you slept with him on the first night as an excuse to disrespect you.

Now, frankly, this guy sounds like a real ass for this "you're gonna fall in love with me" crap, but apparently he had your number. The whole MySpace escapade smacks of stalking, and was a major mistake on your part. His female friend owed you nothing, and was justified in blowing the whistle on you. And to compound your mistake, you confess your feelings to him at possibly the worst time. I'm surprised that he wasn't shopping for temporary restraining orders.

So, to address your questions: Yes, you scared him away. Any chance of you achieving what you are apparently looking for (now), a loving mutually respectful relationship is pretty much shot. Yes, in spite of the fact that he doesn't really think much of you, he is still willing to keep you around as a booty call. If that bothers you, don't bother with him anymore. If it's any consolation to you, this guy seems like a boorish, stuck-on-himself prick. No big loss. However, on the off chance that the next man you meet is not a loser, you should try to learn from your mistakes.

Be My Number Two

QUESTION: I want to move on, but I’m hurt. I can’t help, but to feel a sense of hope, should I?

When Randy and I met I was in a relationship . He insisted and I was not in the best relationship, so I found him pleasant and we became great friends. We continuously made numerous phone calls and through informal interactions at his place of work we began to develop feelings for each other. Some where along the line we actually became romantically involved and I was intimate with him. He was wonderful and did so many things to show me how much he loved me and constantly asked me to be with him and leave the other relationship. For so many unjustifiable reasons I could not bring myself to leave the other relationship although I was miserable in it. For a year and a half we continued to see each other and our bond was stronger and I did not get out of the other relationship. We became best friends and confidants to each other. I have worked out some issues in therapy now as to why I couldn’t move forward and leave this other person, but I so regret not leaving earlier not for Randy just because it was not good for me. In an effort to end our romantic involvement I attempted to leave so many times, and we could never really stay away from each other. I then decided to leave our friendship/relationship and made a grave error and got married to the guy who I was not having the best relationship with and left Randy the man that I truly love, I didn’t really know how much at the time. I hurt Randy so much at the time, I am so sorry and have paid my dues for the mistake I made, as my marriage only lasted 2 years, because I did it for the wrong reasons and became quickly disillusioned (about 4 months into it) with my decision and the marriage. Randy and I continued to talk throughout my marriage and when I things became clear that I had made a mistake I struggled once again to leave this man although it was clear he was not the right person for me. I dealt with guilt and what others might think as well as a great sense of failure as this was my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 15 years. Randy continued to display love and understanding for me through out this process and I then decided to separate and move towards divorce with the man I married. I decided to interact with Randy, but told him we should take it slow. He had a hard time with that, but warned me that he would not be exclusive if I was not truly committed. During this time I had an opportunity to meet his parents and his kids a couple of times. I also decided to go to grad school during this time and our time together was limited. This past December2008, he drove in a snow storm to come and see me and I remember his words “Don’t ever doubt how much I love you.” In January 2009 we became distant I had so much going on with my Grad program and I was attempting to make things perfect I wanted to start fresh by giving the news that divorce was final and I could fully commit to him. I decided to proceed with this plan in February and when I told him he was surprised and asked what changed my mind. Not the reaction I was hoping for. He then confessed he had been seeing someone else for 8 months and he was confused as to what direction he should go. I said I wanted to fight for our relationship if he wasn’t committed to her, he said he was not, but was confused. We saw each other a couple of times and he then withdrew from me and said he had to think because he felt he was being pulled in two directions and it was stressing him out. In April we met and he said he wanted to end it with me, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Here we are in May and he finally came to a conclusion and decided to proceed with her. His reason was that she was always there very loving and caring and she did not deserve her heart being broken as he had his. He stated he was still in love with me, but he couldn’t face himself in the mirror if he hurt her as she did not deserve that. I asked if he had the same connection and friendship he had with me, he responded no. He confessed she is 28 years old, she is 14 years younger than he and she is from a culture who is very exclusive to their own and perhaps very racist as a culture as he is black and I know this is going to be difficult for them to surpass.

We’ve always been upfront and honest with each other as best friends are and I do feel he loves and is still in love with me. I don’t see how he will be able to move on when he still has feelings for me, so strong that he struggled so much to come to this conclusion. I am not that far gone to understand that I made grave errors in our relationship and that he deserves to be happy and have someone who gives him what he so deserves, but I can’t help but wonder if he will come back because I was never able to forget him even when I completely attempted to sever our bond by getting married.

His parting words were “ It was never my intention to hurt you, I love you, but this is something I need to do right now.” My sense is that he is doing this for some of the same reasons I got married. I made a commitment to marry and I had to follow through with that although I was very confused about my feelings.

I am hurt, but I intend and need to move forward. I have worked through so many of my issues that contributed to staying in a bad relationship for so long although I had someone wonderful offering me the opposite. I know I have so much to give, I wish it was him, I wanted so much to make up for all the hurt I caused by my awful decision. We constantly told each other we are soul mates. I can’t make sense of much right now, but I can’t help but think that he might come back. Please be real and tell me if I should even hold hope. Sorry for the length I thought I had to give some background.

GARLAND: To all of those who keep a candle of hope burning in their hearts, extinguish them, because they do little more than create an emotional fire hazard. (You heard it HERE first!)

Thank you for your question, but I think you need to step away from "Randy and You" and "You and Randy" and catch your breath. You are no where near over him and now you are pretending to be a mind reader and you've convinced yourself that you know how much he loves you; and you know how much he'll always love you; and you know how much he's struggling over is new young lover; and you know his true 'feelings' for you; and you know that one day he'll leave his young wife and come running back to your waiting arms. PLEASE STOP. For your own sake and sanity, PLEASE STOP.

I honestly don't know what Randy is thinking, feeling or planning and neither do you. You need to stop, for your own well being - stop trying to assume that he is dying to come running back to you. I somewhat doubt that he is, given the fact that YOU made him your number two man for years and then you married some guy that you claim you didn't love and then once you are free to love him [I suppose] he springs the new girl on you. The two of you sound like you might do each other more justice by just moving on and meeting new loves. Just because the sex might be good and the conversation might flow easily, it doesn't mean that the two of you HAVE to be together.

One other thing that leaped out to me was your comment, "she is from a culture who is very exclusive to their own and perhaps very racist as a culture as he is black and I know this is going to be difficult for them to surpass..." Do you realize just how far you are reaching with that mindset? You are laying the groundwork for the "Randy COMEBACK" that probably isn't going to happen. You are telling yourself that HER people are not going to like him and eventually he'll get tired of their 'racist' ways and they he'll leave her and come back to you. You need to accept that Randy has moved on and will probably not be coming back your way.

I don't think that you will ever be happy until you convince yourself that Mr. Randy is NOT your life or the measure of your happiness. He has moved on, you need to accept that and STOP STOP STOP checking your watch and waiting for him to come running back to you. And by the way, what I just said means to also NOT try to "just be friends" with Randy. So often Chuck and I will hear ladies talk about "just being friends..." this "My Friend" foolishness is pure horsesh*t. You and this man had a deep, intimate, odd and personal relationship that spanned years and from your letter alone I am confident that the two of you cannot be "just friends" without your heart getting involved, confused and broken. Step aside and let Randy move on pass you and then you turn your back on him and run away as fast as you can.

CHUCK: You and Randy are just like parallel lines, running on the same track forever, but never crossing each other. And frankly, that's probably how it should be. You had the chance years ago to get together with him, but you apparently lacked the emotional maturity to leave your number one at that time for your number two.

Sidebar: Why, oh, why would you ever get married to someone when the relationship was already bad? I do not get that. The rationalization is obviously, "things will get better when we get married. He/she will change." Please believe it: This never happens. I've seen people in my life treat marriage like a band-aid for a bad relationship, but all they end up doing is killing it. Anybody who does this, realize, you're just buying yourself a deferred divorce.

Randy must have deep feelings for you, if he kept up contact with you after being dumped like he was. But I'm gonna ask you to be smarter than he was with you and leave him alone. That means don't pursue this masochistic "we're just friends" fallacy. That means not looking for reasons why Randy's new relationship will not work (you hope). That means letting the thing die.

Do you have a reason to feel hopeful? Maybe. But I think the time for you two has passed. You have said that you sought therapy to help you during you marriage. Maybe you should do so again. Your and Randy's ongoing relationship is painful, narcissistic, and unhealthy. He may want it to continue, despite the fact that he wants to start something with someone new. But someone between the two of you needs to be an adult about this. Why not let it be you?