Lets get deep for a minute...

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland - Just doing some thinking for the new year about where my life is heading. The background: I got married to my college sweetheart in 2000 when I was 31. Although he was a love of my life and I learned so much from him, I left after only a year of marriage for the main reason that he was a regular pot smoker, and I didn't want to have kids with someone who depended on drugs. He was highly functioning, had his own business and was smart as hell. But... I felt the pot was keeping us from having the marital relationship I believed we could be having. Addiction kept him from growing emotionally. I had believed his promises to quit throughout our many years of dating, and it took me a year of marriage to realize they were empty, and I would have to move on.

Fast forward ten years. I have had a wonderful life full of good things. I've traveled the world, enjoy my job and friends and took time out to work on me through therapy. But I had just assumed that once I got out of an unworkable romantic situation and worked on myself that I would find someone who wanted to put the effort in ie; a guy who gets it. I've had some love connections but mostly from guys who are too young as I look ten years younger than my age. Oh, and ironically, my wasband just got married two years ago, and judging from Facebook photos, appears to have the life I left him for.

I'm not particularly unhappy about my situation nor am I desperate to change it, but sometimes I wonder why am I not getting what my friends seem to have. I don't really have a question per se. I just want your input or impressions about how life is "supposed to go" as opposed to how life really ends up.

GARLAND: Hi there. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, I feel you. Life tends to work itself out at the speed, time and manner that IT chooses.

I think we all see what we want out of life and if we're lucky we get SOME of it. I think that happens for two main reasons :

(1) random events happen every single second of every day and these events have a ripple effect that impact the world, the country, the state, the city and the neighborhood we live in, the areas where we work and play, the people we know, the people we are yet to know and subsequently - US. So, nothing on a philosophical or a 'higher' plain is fixed in place, variables are everywhere.

and...

(2) Everyday we become just a little bit different - we learn a little bit more, forget a little bit more; we appreciate a few more things and appreciate a few less things; we love a few more things and we hate a few more things. Our priorities, desires, abilities and perspectives are always changing.

At one point in our lives we might money, or we might want a house in a good neighborhood, or we want that sexy guy or girl that works out at the gym we go to. Then again we might want a kid instead of the house. Or, we might want a solid 401K as opposed to that weekend in Puerto Rico. Maybe we'd just be happy dropping 30 pounds as opposed to having $3000 in new jewelery. I think everything ebbs and flows.

What I'm about to say is easy for me to say because you and I are strangers, but I say it sincerely and I hope you take it to heart in a positive way. You say that your wasband seems to be doing pretty good... Don't dwell on that too much. While the world and events are random, I still think that on a deeper level - everything happens for a reason. You might assume that your wasband could have turned himself around and been a decent guy for you, you'll probably never know. But, before you stress over this... and I'm not saying you are... keep in mind that he probably had to take his life in a different direction to end up where he is, and sometimes we have to take these roads alone. Either he's improved himself and or he's improved a way to hide his shortcomings. I hope you look at him as just - One Stop, on a long bus ride.

And lastly - don't sleep on those young fellas. If you are 40ish and you come across a guy that has his act together, his head is on straight, his game tight and he's livin' right - why not see what he's about? You didn't say you were looking for a man, but since we're all sharing here... I might as well point that out to you.

Best wishes, and enjoy the ride-

CHUCK: You want our Philosophies of Life, is that it? Boy, I love the easy questions!

I don't think that there's any set way that life should go. Things happen when and how they do, mostly due to situations that we don't control. But it's how we respond to those situations that dictates how our lives end up going.

And then there are the things that we want out of life. These things are gonna change, based on where you are in your life. When I was single, I wanted a better car, a smart, stable girlfriend, and more money. Now I want more time with my kids, more (and better) time alone with my wife, more rest, and... more money. Back when you were married, you wanted a stable married relationship. Your husband wanted more weed.

No way that could have worked out.

I wonder a lot about the inequities of life. How can good people live unhappy, unfulfilled lives while others can do wrong, abuse everything and everyone, and still reap life's rewards? I call that the Dick Cheney Conundrum. Do bad things happen to good people? All the time. Nothing is going to change that.

My personal philosophy is to live my life with as little mailce as I can have towards others, and trying to respect other people as I want to be respected. And I guess that's worked out pretty well for me. If things aren't quite going the way you want them to right now, hang in there, because you never know when things are going to change for the better.

Now, enough with this philosophisizing. Give me someone to scold, or find me someone to make fun of!

Not a Good Time

QUESTION: Hello, I just today found your site and think its great that you guys can give helpful advice to the women of the world! Well my story is complicated.... at least to me, so I'd like any advice you can give!

Here goes: Ok my boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs. We've known each other for around 10 though. He is divorced and has three children. I've never been married and have no children. We got together in a weird sort of way. I was his ex-wife's brother's girlfriend for 4yrs. We both pretty much broke up with our exes at the same time and have been together ever since. We both agreed at the start that we would be upfront and honest with each other about anything and everything because we both lacked that in our previous relationships. I guess you could say we both had certain issues that needed to be overcome. I can tell you now that mine was trust and I guess you could say his was being trusted. His ex was constantly accusing him of cheating.

He is a very outgoing person that is overly nice to people and as you know some women take that the wrong way. The first 3yrs went really well with just a few minor rows and the normal relationship issues. Then towards the begining of this year we started to become distant with each other. We both had to change jobs, money got tight, and stress was mounting on both ends. He spent more and more time out drinking and I spent more and more time at home alone being mad.

Finally it all came to a head and I was snooping (not good I know) and found some texts from a girl that I had never heard about. I'll tell you now that there was no real sexual meaning behind them but they didnt sound good either. I completely lost control and we started arguing. He had no explanations for the girl texting him and ending up storming out in the middle of the night. I didn't know what to do. I felt completely betrayed. The following day I changed the locks on the house and started packing his stuff because he refused to talk to me. I gave him a deadline in which to pick his things up and I was done. I cryed for the next 4 days straight. I couldn't let him or his kids go.

Over the next couple of weeks we started talking again and agreed that since we had known each other for so long that it would be stupid to never talk again. We had really long talks and he told me he never did anything with anybody else and I believed him. Soon we were sleeping together again, but we were calling it "friends with benifits". Then he told me he was sorry and that he really did love me but he was under so much stress that he didn't know what he wanted. (He runs a restraunt, has to work 50+ hrs a week so he doesn't fall behind on child support, cause if he does his ex takes him to court and tries to get him thrown in jail) To be honest all our problems started when he had to go to jail overnight for being behind. After that he was obsessed with work and said he would never go back. Anyway he started staying the night pretty much through the whole week. Things seem to be ok but there's alot of strain. One of the major problems is I can't let him move back into my house because my parents own it and they flat out said noway. He stays at his dads and neither one of us has the money to move right now. We both just started school so we can get away from the food indusrty. I know he's stressed about that because he can't tell his boss for fear of being demoted and falling behind in cs.

This past week he hasn't stayed the night with me at all. He's not as lovey as he usually is unless I initiate it. He still says "I love you" but it almost seems like its just habit. But at the same time we've almost been planning the future like we used to...looking at houses and talking about what we want to do. Do you think I'm overanalyzing or is he done? Is he just overstressed? I try and be as supportive as I can but it gets frustrating because I dont understand what he wants. *sigh* Well thanks for listening and I hope you can shed some light on this!

Thx again,
Confused

GARLAND: Thank you for your question, it;s a very good one that I think a lot of people can relate to.

Your man sounds very stressed, and stress, like most negative stuff, trickles down, in this case, to his woman. I think that this may be a time in your man's life that he focuses on his priorities, and while it may sound cold it's not meant to be, but you are probably NOT one of those priorities.

Let me explain - when I was single, I dated a reasonable amount, not a lot but not a little - sort of right in the middle I guess. But, while I would have liked to have had a girlfriend or at least a steady hanging-out-friend most of the time, I came across certain stretches where my money was funny, or I had to focus on getting myself squared away. It was during those times, that I didn't date, or I didn't kick-it with that special someone. I focused on me, my money and/or my situation. When I was on even footing as a Man, only then was I any good for a woman.

I think for Your Man, this is one of those times where he needs to get himself squared away and be gainfully employed, a steady father, self sufficent, and a more reasponsible man. He's divorced, struggling with child support, living with his dad, overworked, and I'm sure his head is all over the place. Honestly, I don't see where he has room in his life to try and be a decent boyfriend or partner to you. He is worried day-to-day about whether or not he's going to jail. He REALLY needs to work on the REAL issues in his life. And being the father of three, he needs to make sure he gets quality face time with his kids. He just sounds like he needs to prioritize big-time. Also, you sound like you have some things on your plate too, That's NOT a knock on you, but living in a house owned by Mom and Dad and just starting school, it sounds like you have dreams and targets you need to be concentrating on yourself.

Sure, you may have had a few good years - four - but think about the fact that you have, probably another 50 or 60 years ahead of you. Do you understand how much living THAT truly is. There is no rule that says you have to stay with a guy because you two have gone out for a few years - THERE IS NO RULE! It is okay to walk away from four years with a guy. He needs to get himself together and so do you - it sounds to me like being together is going to be more stressful than seperating from each other.

Right now, this guy sounds like all he can be to you is a Sex-Buddy. He has no money, he can't take you anywhere, he can't cook you breakfast in his own kitchen and he can't commit to you. Sex-Buddies are a dime-a-dozen, but a man that is ready, willing and able to take on a mature and healthy relationship with you is a true prize and one you are worthy of.

Good luck, and think about the next 60 years. Remember - YOU DON'T OWE HIM A THING, YOU ONLY OWE YOURSELF!!!

CHUCK: Confused, once upon a time, maybe during the 90's, there used to be a concept called "having it all." That referred to having everything in your life together and locked down. Your career, your home, your car, your love life: all sorted out. A lot of people had it that way, and thought it'd be that way forever. They were wrong.

Marriages fell apart, people got laid off, homes were foreclosed on, the snatch-man came for that E-class. Things changed for people who did not expect them to. Maybe that is what has happened with your boyfriend. His marriage fell apart, and now he is constantly trying to keep up with his child support. He's even been forced to spend time in jail. He's living with his dad, and cannot stay with you. He is very stressed out. Is this an ideal evironment for a relationship? I don't think so.

You don't explicitly state what it is you want out of this relationship, but it seems to me that if you want anything more than just the most basic stuff, and occasional "benefits," you're not likely to get it. It's not his fault, though. Circumstances have run this man down, and he seems to have decided to spend a good deal of his time at the pity party.

Is his situation tough? Yes, but not untenable. There are plenty of guy in similar broke, overworked straits, who do not have the love of a woman to see them through. He doesn't realize how good he has it.

If you feel you can be fulfilled with things as they are with him, very well. But I think now may just not be a very good time for you two. Maybe you should take a break for a few months and revisit your situation later. Maybe things will change for the better by then. But right now, I think your guy is on a bit of a downward trend psychologically. You're under no obligation to go down with him.

What Absence Makes

QUESTION: First things first, I adore your honesty and uncanny ability to tell it like it is! So please give me your raw and uncensored opinion.

I am a professional 27-year old woman with a ridiculous personal life. I recently left North America to go and work in a developing country to gain professional expertise in my field and as hokey as it sounds “find myself”; in terms of planning what path to take before I hit the big 3-0 (I am on a one-year assignment).

As apart of my departure, I also left a 7-year relationship behind; An on-again, off-again relationship with a very good man who had treated me very well for the first 6 years of the relationship. Quite logically things broke down after a one-time-only-indiscretion, okay lets not use euphemisms, things broke down after I cheated on him. I was unfaithful for no good reason, with no logical explanation—but was fully remorseful and apologetic. And not sure if this matters, but I did fess up to the crime almost immediately although I could have easily swept my infidelity under the rug and he would have never been the wiser.

After the fact, we talked and cried and yelled it out and decided we would at least try and continue our relationship and try and repair what was broken. I tried very hard for the next 6 months. He tried very little. He was doing everything in his power to make me leave (seeing other women, being disrespectful, not spending time with me) without actually telling me to leave. Because I was carrying the scarlet letter ‘A’ on my chest, I put up with his mess, because I felt like I deserved it….that didn’t last for long maybe 8 months, then I decided since he could not move past….I needed to move on. (Hence, packing up my life to live and work in another country for a year. I thought the distance would force us into the ever-elusive closure those of us of the female species crave.)

Here comes the question, now I have been away for about 2 months, and he has done a complete 360 degree turn. He is the attentive, caring, considerate man I fell in love with again. He calls and emails me more than my entire family combined, he helped me out in a more than a couple of desperate situations I’ve encountered since arrival and is planning a visit around Christmas. He has even starting talking about children and marriage, talks I have not heard for at least 3 to 4 years. My question to you is should I believe that he has gotten over this and wants to move forward? Or does this seem like case of him being lonely and if I come home with him (as I predict he will ask me to at Christmas) will he go back to his post-affair ways??? Help please, I need all the advice I can get.

GARLAND: First – Thank you for your question and thank you for wanting to hear our two cents!

Before I get to my thoughts on your situation, I want to say I’m impressed right-off-the-bat with a couple of things you said. Personally, I think it’s far from “hokey” to want to travel and find yourself. I think that is GREAT! So many people allow the neighborhood or town they grew up in to define who they are. They tend to stay there and hide there and never travel more than 25 miles from where they were born, so kudos to you for trying to find your place as a citizen of the world.

Then you mentioned that leaving might avoid all of the closure that women tend to want so desperately – all I can say is AMEN! Plenty of folks will tell you this is running away, but as a man, I’ll tell you that you did a good thing by just saying, “This ain’t working. It’s not going to work. I HAVE to move on with my life, BYE!” I think so many women bring more emotional drama on themselves hoping and begging and pleading for their men to cry and whine and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about the break-up they are going through. 99% of men just DON’T DO THIS – so you get a big gold star from me for just saying, “Okay. Goodbye, I’m gone.”

As far as him singing a new tune now that you’ve been gone for 2 months, it could very well be legit. You all both did some rough stuff to each other for the last year of your relationship, but now that you are gone he may realize what a childish jerk he was towards you and maybe he has come around to his senses. Maybe he realizes that the best thing to do as a MAN when he found out you cheated was to either A – leave you, or B – forgive you and move on, but certainly not C – stay and act like a horny, angry, fool.

Maybe your leaving home was that smack in the face he needed to get himself straightened out!

But, assuming that he is legit and assuming he wants you to leave at Christmas time, and assuming that you still feel like being bothered with him - PLEASE CONSIDER THIS ADVICE: (and this is advice I would give my sister!)

1. Stay your full 12 months! This year is about YOU, not HIM! Find yourself, better yourself, do for YOURSELF! Don’t ease HIS heart by making HIM feel better and blowing a once in a lifetime opportunity for YOU!

2. If he pops the question and drops a ring on you at Christmas. Don’t let that lure you back home UNLESS UNLESS UNLESS that is 100% what you want!!! Not, 98% not 99% ONLY 100% what YOU want. Personally speaking, he had 7 years back home to pop the question and proposing now that YOU are doing something to make YOU a well rounded person [who happens to be far away from home] seems kinda’ cheap and selfish. [just my opinion!]

3. And lastly, I suggest you both get HIV tests. I don’t care who used condoms and who looked “okay” – if the two of you plan on getting back together when you get back home, you BOTH go together to take HIV tests and you both open them together and confirm your status’. You both had sex with other people in the last few years and you are both at risk, you both need to find out what is what.

Best wishes. I think there’s a good chance he may be legit. Make yourself your first priority and all will end as it should.


CHUCK: I am in 100% agreement with Garland. I think that you and him have an opportunity that not everyone gets: the chance to pull back together after circumstances that would tear most people apart.

Because, let's face it: If you stayed in the States, you two wouldn't have made it. You strayed first, and rightly or wrongly, he felt like he had a license to claim his revenge. What he could have done, if he felt strongly that you had abused his trust, was to leave you. But instead he decided to passive/agressively mess around himself, and see if you'd take it. You did, out of guilt, so he had no reason to stop. And things would have more or less continued, until someone pulled the plug.

But your move apparently changed all that. He found himself having to live without you, and he must not have liked it. So he made an, um, 180 degree turn. But, as Garland says, don't don't DO NOT abandon your job for him and come back unless YOU really want it. It's unlikely, but this could be an extreme case of a guy trying to flex his persuasive powers and control over his woman. You'll know pretty soon if that is the case. But you seem like a pretty level-headed woman (apart from the cheating). So if he is sincere about forming a lasting committment with you, he should be willing to wait for you. However, if you feel that now is the time, best of luck to you both.