The Rattle of THE SNAKE... PART 1

GARLAND: This is one of those times where I want to use Me and Chuck's blog for a little personal rant. I have seen first-hand, some foolish things and in just the last year or so, I have seen some things that have left me speechless, baffled and all around amazed. It is too late for some people I know, but it may not be too late for others.

The Rattle of THE SNAKE.

Let's say that you were walking in the woods on a hot summer day. And then in the tall grass a few feet in front of you, you hear a rattle. It is an intense and scary rattle. You know that it is, in fact, a RATTLESNAKE. What do you do?

I'm going to assume that many of you would do just like I would. Turn around quietly, walk a few steps and then run in the opposite direction. But, there are still a number of people who will ignore the rattle and trod straight into a deadly snake bite. Why? For any number of reasons including; arrogance, ignorance, low self esteem, defiance, desperation, denial, you name it - the list goes on and on.
As foolish as walking toward a rattling snake sounds, women do this everyday, except the rattle is the spoken word and the snake is a man.

Ladies, let me just open your eyes to some things... some lame things that SOME guys are going to try lay on you to get you to trust them, to date them, to sleep with them, to probably give them money and to quite probably get dumped and heartbroken by them:

Listen up!

THE LORD, sent me to you...

Ladies, especially Sista's, let me tell you - BUMS know that there are [some] women out there that pray for a man, or they pray for a Godly man, or they try to tie their worship into their desire for a man - not every woman does this, but let's keep it real - SOME women are praying and waiting for GOD to send them a man. BUMS - when they are really hungry for a victim, will show up at your church on Sunday looking like a million bucks. They'll scope out the women sitting alone [like a wolf, they'll hunt the sheep that stands alone, away from the flock] and they'll take a peek at the ring finger and before long they want to share a hymnal or a bible and then they'll make their move. BEWARE ladies, of any man that says the LORD spoke to, sent him, or in any way brought the two of you together in that place at that time. Don't let a BUM trick you into foolishly believing that he is heaven sent! Don't fall for this for a minute! Using the Lord's name as part of his rap is a RATTLE, ladies - run from it!

No Luv for HIS SHORTIES...

If a man tells you that he has one or more kids but he doesn't see them for any number of reasons, including:

• Their Mama is crazy...
• Their Mama don't let me see'em...
• My car is always in the shop...
• The bus don't run to that side of town...
• My Baby-Mama's Brothers are always wanting to fight me...
• I'm a little back on my support payments...
• I'm gonna' get over there...
• If I see their Mama, me and her are gonna' be arguing...
• They are better off without me right now...
• I'm not where I need to be to be a Dad right now...
• I'm still tryin' to get myself together...
• My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them...

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him.

Let me say that again.

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him!

Believe it or not, I actually had this one sorry fellow use that last line in front of me in a conversation a few months ago. He has two kids that, by his own admission, he has only seen twice in two years and he said with a straight face, "My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them." This guy is not some cop, or some Government guy assigned overseas, or a professional athelete, he works a job that can be done almost anywhere! To this day, I truly regret not calling his pathetic, triflin' behind on the carpet on that one! Everyone knew that this guy was a sorry sack of crap when we all first met him, everyone that is except for the woman that wanted so badly to be His Girlfriend. True to BUM form, he has since abandoned her with another child that he'll never see.

Ladies, 99% of the time a true man will do anything in the world to try and see his children. Regardless of how much he and his Baby-Mama don't get along. A true man will use the courts, he'll swallow his pride, he'll leave his Boyz behind, he will do all that he can do to see his kids and be a part of their lives. Real Men won't leave behind them, a trail of little father-less children that he claims that he "takes care of" by sending each of his Baby-Mama's $26 a month. Real Men don't abandon their kids and Real Men don't feel the need to breed like a stable-horse and have many, many kids by many, many women. Ladies, consider how a man handles his fatherly situation as a RATTLE. What do you do?

You're gonna' be my WIFEY...

Some BUMS out there will dangle "Marriage" in front of a woman's face like some grand prize. They'll use it to get things they want or they'll use it to keep their women "in line." Ladies, don't lose your perspective when a man starts talking about marriage. When a man starts talking about getting married or engaged, be very very cautious. He might be legit, but move slowly and keep your eyes wide open! For some guys, this is a RATTLE. Your man might be getting reading to pull an oakie-doke on you. Tread carefully.

Also, be very leery of a man that needs to borrow money from YOU to buy YOUR engagement ring! Ladies - please don't fall victim to this lame scheme. Any man that needs to borrow money from you in order to put a ring on your finger needs to get himself together. Sure, times get tough for everybody but make sure you aren't getting played. There are few things worse than getting emotionally dumped and then being stuck with a $4000 bill to pay for the ring that reminds you that you got dumped in the first place.

Another thing that I've seen from BUMS and the women that foolishy love them, is when the women start lying to themselves. Ladies, you are not engaged to a man until he has truly asked you to marry him! Ideally this is supported with a wedding ring of some sort, or some other traditional gesture of commitment based on where they are. If your man has NOT formally asked you to marry him, then ladies - you are NOT engaged to him! I have seen some women telling everyone with an ear that, "Jimmy and I are engaged..." I've seen this said as if saying it to enough people would make it true, or saying it to enough would force 'Jimmy's' hand somehow. I've also seen some women just start calling their BUM boyfriends "My Husband" when he has neither proposed to OR married them. Don't let a BUM play you by using marriage as some kind of bait or prize. Listen for the RATTLE ladies!!!

Chuck and I are going to spend a little time on this subject in the coming week or so. So, I'm going to stop here and let this sit with you all for a while. Thanks for reading and please think hard about what I'm saying-

-G

MORE LIES.... R U Serious?

Hey....again! Please let me know if I am bothering you with my everlasting problems, but your advice is really needed. SEE: "LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES"

I think that I have proven to be young and naive. I have recently moved in with my 32 yr. old boyfriend, and soon after I began to notice that one girl in particular called him a tad bit too much. Then I got a call from her, not knowing how she got my number, so I did not talk to her but I did decided to email her. She never replied. After asking my boyfriend about her, I found out that he slept with her once when we had broke up for a 2 month period and just never called her anymore ( maybe a one night stand type of thing) now she just got really attached. His story was very believable because I have found letters that she has sent to his p.o. box way back in Dec. and he never bothered to open them. So I believed him. Now heres the problem... while helping him look for his car title, I see many bills and letters made out to T XXXXXX and Jenn XXXXXX. WHAT THE HELL? Are they married, seperated, devorced? All of the papers have this address on them, he hasn't been living here for a year, but we have been together for two. So something has taken place in the past 8 months that I am very unaware of. I am not going to marry this man no time soon because I can not figure out what is going on and why this man is with me... I really take everything that you guys say into consideration so please help!!!!!

GARLAND: I don't think your questions are a 'bother' to Chuck and I. If we thought these questions and situations were a 'bother' we'd stop doing this blog. Speaking for myself, what I DO find to be a 'bother' is when someone is in a situation full of lies, deceit and unbelievable nonsense - they reach out to us - we show them, the lies, deceit and unbelievable nonsense and yet they still jump right back into the foolishness. THEN they come back and add even more insanity to the mix and ask us what is going on?

We told you before that this fellow is bad news. I wish I had a dime for every time that someone decides to screw around when they are "on a break" and then lingering foolishness stays around for weeks, months and years - you know what I mean: stalkers, E-Mailers, babies, HIV...

I'm sorry, but I can't even begin to rationalize the situation that you so willing choose to stay in. This guy is one lie after another, hidden bills that he shared with his wife that you claim not to know about, lovers that are stalking you and him, the 11 year old kid, this is just mayhem and foolishness. I believe that you are where you want to be with him, things are only going to get more bizarre and he is only going to bring you quicker and quicker into emotional ruin. That bothers me.

Hopefully Chuck will be more compassionate.

CHUCK: Now, Garland, I know it's frustrating to compose a reply to a question and try to give someone some well-thought-out advice, and then find out that it apparently wasn't heeded. But we shouldn't react badly when we find this out. After all, in this young woman's case, she's only hurt herself.

Your 32-year-old boyfriend has once again told you bold-faced lies and you are presented with proof that he is lying. And, at a certain point, it ceases to be about him, and starts to be about you. What is going on? He is obviously concealing the true nature of his relationship with this woman from you. But he's doing a pretty poor job of it. Why is he with you? Because you are young and, frankly, gullible enough to still be with him after all of this.

Leave this man. I'll repeat: LEAVE THIS MAN. Confront him about his lies or not, but leave him. If I were you, I'd confront him just so he would not live the rest of his feeling that he REALLY got over on me. I mean, he did, but he ultimately didn't.

You can take our advice or not. We take this seriously, believe it or not, but I guess in the end, it's just entertainment. Unless you've tied yourself to a man who just cannot be trusted, and can be counted on to lie at any time. It's your life. Stay in touch.

WAMT: the Lost Files, Volume 1

This question was submitted late last year in the "comments" portion of a previous post. It was just discovered. Our apologizes to the person that submitted it. In the future, please drop us a line at our E-Mail address, whatarementhinking@hotmail.com.

QUESTION: Hi, I was perusing the web and found your very insightful and cool site. I'm almost afraid to run this past you but here it goes.

I met a nice young man from Kenya, I'm older than he is, we became really close friends, it never occurred to me that it could be romantic due to age difference.

He e-mailed me one nite stating he was so into me, and to send him a sign if I felt the same. We dabbled in occassional intimate encounters, they were great. Then he began to act like it never happened for a time. Time passed, we again became close. He needed a place to stay, so I let him stay at my house. It gets weird here, as sometimes he would be with me upstairs, sleeping in my bed, other times, he'd sleep downstairs. Our sexual encounters were more frequent and he was always telling me that he loved me, and that he would always remember me.

8 months of him living here, I find out he has acquired a fu-- buddy off of craigslist. I become hurt, even though, on the one hand I know it's normal for a man of 29 to be exploring all possibilities and all the self deprecating, lack of confidence notions that can make a woman of 50 doubt her desirability.

Make it seem even more predictable he ends up telling me his mother is here from Africa. He goes to a city an hour away to see her, spends the night there a few times. I give him money to get there. Well, to cut to the chase, I discover his mom is in kenya, she was never here. I was so blown out of the water. I put all my trust in him, NEVER did it occurr to me it was all a lie.

For what purpose? To be able to eke out more time living here free? I kicked him out, and he now has the ho from craigslist renting him a car, he's living with his ex-girl friend, both of whom he says he doesn't like. Says he misses me blah blah blah....

I now really question my judgement as far as being a good judge of character, as I truly believed he and I would be friends for a very long time, no expectations about he and I living as lovebirds forever, but to be misled and deliberately lied to, has been painful, embarrassing and a tough lesson to learn

Thanks-

GARLAND: This started off like a question and then I think it turned into a confession. Often, the hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and tell the face you see "I'm sorry I treated you like crap." But I think you owe yourself that apology.

Uh, yeah. He did all that stuff to simply play you. He saved up his rent money by shacking with you for eight months and then got all the sex he wanted and then he toyed with your emotions. I wish I could explain in some deep thoughtful voice how it was all him and not you, but that would be a lie. Let me explain...

Okay, this blog is called "What are men thinking" so, when a man becomes a dog and thinks that a woman's heart, and body and soul aren't of any value to him he abuses them. This is what a dog does - nothing else. He humps, he eats and he craps - usually on the woman that fools herself into believing that he'll change and that "he loves me in his own kinda' way." He's thinking that you aren't worth a damn, so that is how he is treating you.

Then, to further ease his conscience he shows you, in your face, that he's got an F-buddy off of Craiglist. And, what do you do - you accept it because he's 29 and you're 50. Then you go and give him money to go visit his mother who can travel ALL THE WAY FROM AFRICA but can't seem to make it that last 50 miles to visit her Baby Boy. He is thinking that you are gullible. I'm sad to say that he was right. I'm pretty sure that at 50, you knew what time it was. But, you have the same flaw that everyone has - you're human. You have emotions and feelings, and he just played yours against you. The best thing for you from this point on is to not let that happen again. Walk away - well schooled.

Listen please - I'm not saying this to disrespect you. Chuck and I started this blog to shake women AWAKE to the bullshit some of these guys are serving you all out there. REMEMBER you heard it here first: "A man will only treat you the way you let him!" If you let a bum mooch your money and your home, and you knowingly agree to share sexual relations with him and X number of other women in a time of damn near epidemic HIV and AIDS cases, and you give him your cash and your dignity... your are commiting a crime against your personal self-worth. He will be thinking that you are worth NOTHING. Remember THAT in case he ever calls back claiming to be down on his luck.

And, that woman off of Craigslist that is renting him a car... DON'T CALL HER A HO! You don't know anything of her virtue, but there are too damn many women ready to curse each other out over no-good bastards like your African boy! You channel that anger to person that deserves it - HIM. Have a little fire in your belly where it counts. He dogs you out and YOU call HER a HO? No, DON'T DO THAT!!!

Thanks for dropping us a line. You go find a mirror, apologize to yourself, lift your head up high and stay the hell away from broke, busted, bamboozlin' bastards.

CHUCK: Your situation is the kind of situation that, if a girlfriend told you that she was going through it, you would say, "Girl, dump that bastard! He's playin' you!" But you could not see your way through it yourself. This man knew what he was doing. He got you all caught up in a vortex of sex, ego, and obligation, and worked you for all he could. Most of all, he took advantage of your insecurities over being a 50-year-old dating a 29-year-old.

As a sidebar: African men, I just don't know. I don't know how you're viewed in the rest of the world, but in the part of the US that I inhabit, anecdotes like this one get passed around, and women start to view most men from Africa as lying, cheating, opportunistic grifters. You African men conducting your relationships on the up-and-up, I don't know what you can do about this perception, I don't know what you should do. But you African men like the one descibed above: Stop being assholes.

Sorry it took so long for us to recognize your story, but again I come back to my frequent mantra here: You got off light. You didn't get a disease, you didn't get run up on by one of this guy's other women, and you've been a whole lot smarter about who you've let in your life since then, right? And you even get a late word of moderate wisdom from Garland and myself: Who is a ho is in the Eye of the Beholder.

Ex Girl to Text Girl

QUESTION: i have this ex and we split up bout 2years agoand we dont really talk but if we do its friendly and chattyand he split up with me because he felt he was to old for me as he is7 years older!my problem is that everytime i feel that my life is good enjoying myselfhe will txt me asking me to meet him even though he is in a relationship!

GARLAND: I can only assume that he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. If he's seeing someone and dumped you and wants to keep you at arms length until HE wants you closer then I think YOU already know what HE's THINKING.

CHUCK: First of all, he felt that a seven year age difference was a good enough reason for you two to break up? I'm sorry, but come on. That might be a good reason if you were Hannah Montana, but I'm assuming that you were a little older than fifteen when this took place. There had to be something else going on there.

And obviously, because he is constantly trying to get back together with you. Apparently, his reservations over your age difference dissipate when he's trying to use you for some extracurricular activities. There's no point in mincing words here. He has no interest in you as girlfriend, only as the proverbial booty call. The next text you get from this guy, erase, ignore.

Break Up to Make Up (the Long Version)

Hi. I just read an answer on your site regarding a woman's question on moving too fast in a relationship, and I wondered if you'd also give me some advice about my own situation.

QUESTION: About three and a half years ago, I started chatting with a guy I'd met on a site similar to myspace. We were just friends though, and didn't bother meeting for about eight months. We began talking more and more after that and began dating shortly afterwards. I took a summer job in a different state right after that, but we continued our relationship. It was very romantic, as we wrote each other letters and sent each other gifts and pictures and audio tapes with our thoughts on it. I fell for him very quickly, and he told me he loved me about two weeks after I'd been gone. I went to see him a couple weeks later, and I told him I loved him too and we shared our first kiss. After that, we talked about marriage constantly, and when my job ended, we began telling everyone we'd be getting married very soon. We wanted to wait until marriage before getting intimate, mostly because of our faith, but it became harder and harder once I'd returned home and we could see each other more often. So we agreed to get married two months later at a justice of the peace and until then we enrolled in pre-marital classes. But things started getting very tense; we began arguing alot, about where we would live, how much we would spend on the wedding, even whether to waste money on an engagement ring (I said use the money for the honeymoon, he said he wanted to get the ring out of principle).

After the first pre-marital class, he turned to me and told me he did not want to marry me because we wanted different things. We argued for hours, and it was terrible, especially since I didn't feel he was giving me the real reason. Finally he shouted at me that he didn't love me, to which I responded by grabbing all of our pictures and cutting them up in front of him. I cried myself to sleep, but he didn't leave, he slept on the floor by my bed, stating he was sorry for hurting me. The next morning I did not want to continue the breakup session, and since he hadn't changed his mind, I asked him to leave. We hung out a few weeks later but he was still stubborn and refused to work things out. I cried and pleaded with him, but it was to no avail.

About a month and a half later, we spoke on the phone and he apologized to me, confessing he became afraid when we'd starting arguing about money that we'd end up like his parents. He said he forced himself to be stubborn so that I'd move on and save myself future grief. He also said he'd always love me and that he missed me a lot. I thought that meant he wanted to get back together, so I told him I had to think things over and get back to him. When I called him a week later, he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and stated he still only wanted to be friends. I called him one more time, after visiting his mom and sister for the last time, because I was offended that he had avoided me when he'd known I was there. We spoke for a little while. I don't know why, maybe out of hurt or the embarrassment the whole fiasco caused me, but I told him that I was going to move forward, and that I wouldn't bug him about getting back together ever again. He seemed a little weirded out but reacted coolly and said he would call me in a few days. He never did.

During the first year after, I still felt very deep pain every holiday that passed that he didn't call. After my next birthday, I accepted that he would never call again, and refused to allow myself to think about it again. I convinced myself I was over it, although after the second year passed I realized that couldn't've been totally true, since I would not allow a guy to get near me and I hated marriage and all things having to do with it. Finally I broke down and cried about him never calling me, and there was still very real pain there.

So I emailed him. Two years had passed and I just needed the closure. I told him no hard feelings and I wished the very best for him. He responded right away, to my surprise, and we quickly became friends. At first, it seemed like we were flirting with each other, but I started to notice he was evasive on many subjects, and kept our conversations very shallow. Still, it felt good to speak with him, and we got along really well. He'd send me funny ecards and spend hours on the phone with me, joking and make me laugh. When I asked him why he never called, he said because each time he wanted to, he didn't know what to say because so much time had passed. We spoke about what had happened and he said he was very sorry it'd gone down like that and admitted that he had a lot of issues. We agreed that things had moved way too fast anyway and that it was very good that we didn't get married back then since we were both totally not ready. We talked about meeting for lunch, but when I came around his town, he wasn't there. Almost like he'd forgotten. I found this suspicious and upsetting. But then two weeks later, I came back into town and he rushed to see me and have lunch. It was weird seeing him, but honestly, I was surprised that I wasn't blown away with attraction. He couldn't believe how beautiful I'd gotten though, and lunch went really well.

After that I finally began dating other people, but both relationships I got into ended in disaster right after they'd started. He and I, however, remained friends and shared our stress and pain about our failed relationships. He was a really great support, and encouraged me to stay positive. We tried to meet a couple more times throughout the next year but he blew both meetings off again, with no explanation. After February of this year, I stopped trying to make plans with him, calling him a fronter (which he didn't like). I thought maybe he was scared that I was trying to get back with him, so I did let him know that I wasn't, but he said that's not what he thought at all. I now think that he had been seeing someone at those times and probably didn't know how to tell me, although I could be wrong. Anyway, we finally settled into a friendship where we'd talk every few weeks, laugh and enjoy a few hours of conversation and then go about our life as usual.

This was a-ok with me right up until about a month ago, when it dawned on me that I still idealized him as the perfect man and still had a teeny inkling of hope that he'd "wake up" and realize I was the perfect woman. I confessed this to him about three weeks ago, telling him that I wanted to be able to move on and didn't know what to do. He took it well, stating that he didn't know why we were friends again but that it was a good thing. He said he rarely ever befriended exes but that we were in each other's lives for a reason. He didn't seem affected by my confession, and we continued a long and enjoyable conversation afterwards. The next day he texted me out of the blue and seemed to be flirting with me and invited me to blow off work and hang out with him. Of course I couldn't but it got me wondering. When I was disappointed that he didn't text the next day, I realized that I needed to do anything I could to let him go from my heart. So I didn't call him for a week, and it irritated me that he didn't call either. He did text to "just say hello" but I didn't respond.

My birthday is next week and I asked him a month ago to take me out to dinner to celebrate it, since I'd be in near his town. He promised he wouldn't front, but when he didn't call all last week, it irritated me further. So I texted him about it and he said he didn't know the dates I'd be in town (even though I had given them to him a month before!) but that he still wanted to meet. We spoke on the phone, and agreed to meet two nights ago. I was going through a lot at the beginning of this week and I called him on the day before our dinner and cried on his "shoulder" about it all, and he once again was very encouraging and it meant a lot to me. The next night, we met up and I felt very attracted to him. He complimented me several times on how gorgeous I'd become, "way better than before and I was beautiful before", and he touched me a lot. He put his arm around me quite a few times, hugged me, grabbed my arms and fingers, and rested his hands on my hips. I thought it was all a little strange, but I didn't investigate it. When he called his roommate later on and I distinctly heard her ask how his "date" was going, that really made me wonder. He stayed on the phone with me the whole time I drove home and finally confessed that he'd wanted to kiss me but decided to "keep himself in check". He seemed disappointed when I said it would've caught me off guard, but pleased when I said I would've kissed him back.

The next morning I couldn't stop thinking about him so I texted him and asked if he wanted to see a movie. He replied yes but didn't call til almost evening and that bothered me. He offered to come by me but I felt like it was a better idea to go out there. I drove out (an hour) to meet him and we had a great time. I didn't want to leave him though, and we ended up kissing in his car for about an hour. By then it was very late so I, against my better judgment, went to his house to sleep for a few hours before heading back. Well, let's just say that things went very fast at his house, and he was very affectionate. I was very surprised at myself for even getting (and staying) in the situation (as it is completely out of character for me!), but I just didn't want to be away from him. He told me he'd missed many things about me and that he could "get used to waking up next to me every morning." I was wary though, and tried to stay objective about it so I could better evaluate the situation.

I just got off the phone with him, after having a whole day to think about last night, and we both agreed that we did NOT want to have just a physical relationship. We also agreed that neither of us were ready for a relationship right now and we didn't want the other to feel pressure to be in one. I told him I felt we had really good potential but that it couldn't start like this, and he agreed, adding that he feels like he's still sorting through some things in his life and didn't want to start a relationship with me only to withdraw/push me away again. He said one thing he learned about our first relationship was that if we ever got back together, it had to be taken in steps, and he wanted to do it right so as to avoid what happened the last time. I agreed. We didn't get to finish the conversation because he had to take a call from one of his family members, but he said he'd call back.

Now I'm sitting here wondering what to do, because we acknowledged that we had to be super careful not to get physical anymore, and to feed our friendship while both of us continued to grow. But I'm thinking, how am I supposed to do this? Do I go back to the calling every few weeks and acting like this never happened? How do I hang out with him again as just his friend with last night running over and over in my mind? What do you think is going on in his mind, and what do you think is the best way for me to handle this so as not to come off needy but still be desirable? He's very hard to understand. Anything you can offer would be great.

Thank you!


GARLAND: WOW. This is the longest question that we have ever seen on this blog. You have SHARED today! WOW. Okay, thanks for coming to us and let me see if I can tackle this bear.



First, I was tempted [and probably Chuck too] to E-Mail you back and insist that you shave this down to “Just the facts Ma’am” I printed this out in Times New Roman 12pt and it was 3 and 1/3 pages long!!! I left it alone because you sounded like you needed to vent and maybe this was a catharsis for you. I can only hope that we can see your question and more importantly I hope that you TRULY understand what your REAL QUESTION is.


Meeting and wanting to start a life together was a wonderful thing, too bad you had the wrong person. I think your boyfriend was simply overwhelmed with the pre-marital counseling. That, to some people is like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. While he hurt your feelings, he did you a favor. HE knew his limitations and threw in the towel. Sure, I don't doubt that it hurt, but that pain was nothing when opposed to being stuck in a loveless marriage built on lies.


The whole E-Mailing him two years later and saying "No hard feelings. I wish you the best." is baffling. See, these are the kinds of lies that people tell themselves so they can feel good. I wish you had E-Mailed him and told him the TRUTH, that way, you would have felt GREAT [not just good]. You should have told him, "You sorry bastard, you broke my heart. I've been miserable over the sh*t you've pulled on me and I hope you slip and fall in the shower and break your damn neck." Yeah, that's pretty nasty - but tell me that's not what you wanted to really say?



And, let me back up for a second – you asked what is on his mind and what can you do to seem desirable and not so needy. Let me tell you – the ONLY thing you can do to not seem so needy IS STOP BEING SO NEEDY! You ARE needy. Sorry. You just spent over 3 pages recalling the phone calls, the text messages, the E-Mails, the broken dates, the heartache, the tears, the concerns, the kisses, the laughs, the rejection, the games and the suffering you have experienced over the last three years with a guy who really doesn’t care about you. If he did, you wouldn’t be miserable. You ARE needy and guess what – HE LOVES IT. He sounds 100% like the kind of guy that takes sick pleasure at toying with a young woman’s emotions. He is a bum and he’s not worth it. You are PLACING his value above YOUR OWN. Every time you get upset that he doesn’t text you back right away, and every time you get giddy because he texted you first, and every time you accept the fact that he’s forgotten you yet again, you are wasting your time and your value as a woman. Get out while you can and go find the joy in the world that is still out there waiting for you!


Okay, let me crack my knuckles and let you know what else this man is thinking. Stop wasting your life on this guy, please. Okay? This guy is either married or dating or cheating on his wife or girlfriend and you are doing little more than providing mid-card entertainment for him.



You used the word "friend" in one form or another 9 times in your question. Please understand that this man is NOT your friend. He spoon-feeds his time to you like someone placating a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman and you refuse to see it. The whole, "lets be 'friends' as long as it's on my terms and I can treat you like crap whenever I feel like it and you never come to my home unannounced and you can't stay too long when you do," is simply unhealthy. I really hate to be so blunt - but you have gotten yourself into a losing situation with this bloke.



And, please stop trying to call what you have “Friendhip.” If there was one thing I could truly achieve with my role in this blog, it would be to convince women to truly understand what a ‘friend’ is with regards to a man. And every man that a woman once loved, liked or wanted to love or like should NOT be classified as a friend because it makes her feeeeeeeeeeeeel good. “Friends” truly care about you and give a damn about you as a person! “Friends” do not ignore you, manipulate you, tease you, taunt you, or treat you as an emotional punching bag!

Sorry, I digress.

Any man that REALLY cares about you or wants to REALLY be in a loving relationship is not going to play around with your time and forget dates and get off the phone with you because his Aunt Emma is calling and he's not going to check in with his 'female' room mate. Unless you have sat down, broke bread, and talked openly about the deep feelings you had [and have] for this guy in front of this ROOM MATE, then SHE is his wife or his girlfriend. The whole thing about hearing the woman on the phone ask "How his DATE was going," was either some staged non-sense, or he told his WIFE/GIRLFRIEND that he was 'innocently' having a drink with an old friend from high school or college, and what you heard was her jokingly asking about his "date."

The bottom line is this: This guy does not care about you on the levels that you want him to, need him to or pretend him to. He keeps you amused and attracted to the flashing lights just enough to have you around - Why, I don't know. But you are wasting your time and your life calling him a friend and pretending that you mean something to him.

You want advice on how to be desireable? Okay, do this – LOVE THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR, DON’T LET SOMEONE TREAT HER LIKE LESS THAN A QUEEN, FREE HER HEART AND HER MIND AND WALK AWAY FROM THIS MANIPULATIVE, GAME-PLAYING BUM, AND NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LOOK BACK AT HIM.





CHUCK: Wow. No one could ever accuse you of not being thorough. I'm not even sure there's room left on the page for me to answer.


Where to start? You two are either one of the worst-matched couples in the Milky Way Galaxy, or you're made for each other. Just the very fact that, despite all reasons not to, you continue to gravitate to one another. I find it particularly puzzling that you keep going back to him, as whenever you seem to give this man the opportunity to do some follow-through and meet with you another time, he deliberately flakes out on you. And you know what? As long as he does that, and you continue to give him second, third, forty-eighth chances, that probably won't change.

But when someone constantly acts against their own best interest, what can you tell them? Take your email for "closure." I've said it (and said it, and said it...) before, but closure after a relationship is rarely found. But in your case, you really didn't want it. You wanted to get back in his head again, and I guess you were successful. Only you weren't successful enough to make him treat you right consistently.

And why is that? Maybe he has someone else. Or maybe he just realizes that it is not necessary for him to treat you like a boyfriend, lover, etc. should. Sure, you'll get mad and talk a good game, but eventually you'll come around.

What should you do about him, with the memory of your night together running through your mind? Go ahead and be with him. You're an adult. Have a good time. Maybe he'll treat you right after nearly four freakin' years. But I'd keep my expectations low. And I would consider, am I getting what I deserve here?

Are you bringing your girlfriend, too?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck & Garland,

Last August, I was the maid of honor at my childhood’s friends wedding. As cliché as it seems, I did a drunken wedding hook up with one of the groomsmen. I live on the West Coast, he lives in the South, it was great and I figured I would never see him again. So the next morning, I slip out of his hotel room to do the walk of shame before anyone wakes up. We did not exchange numbers, hell I didn’t know his last name.

The newlyweds return from their honeymoon to incessant emails and messages from this guy asking for my contact info (No – we do not have an STD). According to the bridegroom, the guy is interested in me and is talking about visiting them as means to come see me. I had already written the whole thing off but was excited to have him contact me; he is a quality brother.

The guy calls and I mean he calls, at least weekly and this goes on for about five months. He even agrees to a slightly modified “how we met story” to share with our now mutual friends. Our conversations go from reminiscing about our drunken hook up to our life goals and then we talk about seeing one another again. According to him, he has some financial commitments from buying his new home, a fixer upper and may not be able to come see me for a few months. Now I have frequent flier miles and could have easily come to see him but I had just ended a long distance relationship and really wanted this guy to meet me on my turf. Sort of an old-fashioned the man should come to the woman thing. Yeah, I know a little late to get traditional.

Ok, here comes the question. We finally decide and plan for his week-long visit to my city and then a long drive to visit the newlyweds, I’m not sure if a ticket was purchased and I didn’t ask. Then suddenly, I’m in need of a surgery for a “feminine situation” that overlaps with his impending visit. This guy is in the medical profession, understood the nature of my surgery and knew that I would be “closed for business” for 6-8 weeks. Of course, he “postpones” his trip until I’m 100%. I was hurt but I was not naïve enough to think he would still come. I get about two calls following my surgery then I don’t hear from the guy again. Less than two weeks later, I am informed by mutual friends that BAM, the guy just got engaged!!

Mutual friends from the wedding jokingly assumed I was the fiancé because no one in their circle of friends knew he was dating anyone less alone someone he was about to propose to. Now the issue is, my crew of girlfriends all insist that I call and curse this guy out. The newlyweds are especially embarrassed because they have been bragging that they “introduced” us at their wedding. The bride suggests I call and demand an explanation. Then another friend is scrutinizing my decision to wait until he had the means to come see me, when all along I could have easily went out there. Or that I should call him and act like I don’t know he is engaged.

Now yes, I am pissed that I got played. However, I can’t bring myself to call him because it is bad enough that I am the drunken wedding hook-up bridesmaid, I really don’t want to be the CRAZY drunken bridesmaid – yes there is a difference. And I feel like the guy never promised me anything.

I don’t know why, but my girls and I are obsessed with knowing this guy’s story? Was it a girl who put her foot down, the marriage ultimatum? Was I to be his last fling before marriage? Was I in a run-off election but didn’t know it? Why do guys do this sort of thing, if he is contemplating marriage why is he fooling with me? And I know, I’m better off without him and I don’t want a guy who would do such a thing, blah, blah. But damn I need to know. Oh and if your reply is going to be about the importance of women keeping their legs closed, please go easy on me, I’m already embarrassed about being the drunken wedding hook up girl.

Signed
–I promise sobriety at all wedding receptions from here on out!

GARLAND: Whoa, uh... naw I'm not gonna' talk about ladies keepin' their legs closed... you're grown and I say do your thing! I'm just a big proponent of ladies making sure they don't settle for less than they deserve from a man... but hey, HANDLE YOURS!!!!

As far as this guy goes, I'm kinda' like this - don't let your girlfriend's desire to see you make a fool of yourself lead you to make a fool of yourself. Because, if you call this guy up and curse him out or make a big production over the fact that he is now engaged - you WILL look like a crazed ex-booty call.

I think the TRUE CRIME here would have been if this guy kept calling you AFTER he got engaged - talking about how much he wanted to see you, and hook up with you, and plan his life with you. If this was the case, I'd be all for chewing him up and spitting him out. But from what you've said, I can see why you'd be a little bothered, but honestly IT'S JUST NOT THAT SERIOUS.

He MAY HAVE BEEN THINKING, that you were someone special. I have a feeling that he may have had a close female friend where he lives, he may have even had a girlfriend - but, then there was you. He MAY have wanted to spend a little time face-to-face with you to see if you were as spectacular in real life as you were in his thoughts and imagination. Maybe if you were, he might have considered leaving his girlfriend to start something legit with you. He MAY have even discussed this with you during your week together. Then sadly, you two couldn't get together - intimately, and you didn't get together at all. He could have taken this as a sign that the two of you weren't supposed to be together, so he went on and popped the question to his girl.

But don't let the fact that your GIRLS are hyped and angry, and don't let the fact that the bride thinks you are owed an answer - lead you into a big dramatic production with this guy. Don't feel like you were played, as a man, I have to say that there are FAR WORSE things this guy could have done to you to qualify as PLAYING YOU. Just walk away and consider it - his loss.

Take care of yourself, and thank you very much for dropping us a question!

CHUCK: Dear Drunken Wedding Hook-upGirl... Sorry, just kidding...

I'm in complete agreement with Garland about you letting this guy go without that irate phone call. That would NOT go well, for you, and probably shouldn't.

I'm going to make the radical suggestion that he MAY not have played you. You both had a mutually enjoyable drunken hook-up. When he pursued you afterward, it was not for more booty calls. He was apparently looking for some sort of relationship. But the fact of the matter is long-distance relationships are extremely difficult to maintain. You don't know where this fiancee could have come from. She may have been someone he was seeing before, after, or during your courtship. You never know. Does this guy have a MySpace page?

As for him flaking off on your visit due to your "female issues," it's kind of bad, but I don't know if I'd judge him too harshly for that. At that point, your relationship was predicated on the physical. So if you too found you didn't mesh well in person, at least you could get drunk and sleep together again. He shouldn't have been quite so obvious when he found out that sex was off the table, but some guys just aren't that smooth. Or that tactful.

I think we should call this a near-miss and move on. At least, he's not still trying to romance you with a fiancee. That'd be trying to play you. All in all, depending on whether or not you used protection, you probably had the healthiest attitude about your wedding crash. He's the one who apparently started catching feelings over what happened.

Anyway, next wedding, repeat after me: "No, thanks, I'll just have the fruit punch."