The Domestic Spying Program, or Digital Cameras Are the Devil, too!

Good day, Garland & Chuck!Hope all's well with both your families!

I happened to stumble upon your site- well, because I was just on the search for answers to some of my doubts I had- which was- unfortunately- relationships (Not again! you must be thinking). I hope I won't be boring your mind out about a load of questions I am gonna ask but anyway, just wanna thank you both for your really precious time on behalf of EVERYBODY who... well, seem to have their own set of issues in life... your advice has been really candid and I believe that's what we really need to hear. Ok, let me get straight to rumbling now...

Scenario 1: I am currently dating this guy & this relationship has been going on for about 6 months now. He is from NZ and I won't have doubts that he has many past relationships/flings/one night stands with random girls before we met (he is 29 this year).

Well, I do not want to sound too petty about his past.. anyway, it's not so wrong if he had sexual encounters with a couple of girls when he was unattached. Few weeks ago I was just looking at the pictures in his camera and I chanced upon naked pictures of a lady & some of his, on a bed, in the hotel in which he stayed in while he was on a business trip to china. That was in August 2007, BEFORE we met.

The issue now is, because he constantly has to make business trips to china, indonesia, london etc... should I be worried that he might commit them again? I know that it's probably common for men to have flings while working on a foreign soil... and maybe I should not brood too much about it at all since he was single then.. but women are emotional and sensitive creatures, rendering us the ability to fabricate a whole lot of stories outta one single picture, or to interpret words which might not even mean what we think it is. But the pictures still inflict a certain degree of pain unto me (I am just on his computer now and saw the pictures on one of his folders- which prompted me to write to you).

Should I talk to him about this at all? Or should I let it go, like come on it happened before we met? There is just this feeling of insecurity whenever he is away... & I am aware that it's downright unhealthy to distrust, but circumstances haven't assured me that I hold at least a significant place in his heart.. or is he just going out with me because we just 'happen to meet and hang out before he meet some other ladies''?

Scenario 2: I do not know if 6 months is long enough (my one and only precious relationship was 4 years so I am pretty much very inexperienced), but my boyfriend seems a little phobic when it comes to letting his close peers know about our relationship. Why is that so? Is he still unsure whether he should officially introduce me as his girlfriend? Why does it seem as if he is holding back a little?

Scenario 3: Recently, we had this little side talk about his plans to move to china in a couple of years time. And when i asked if he was really moving there (adding a somewhat cheerful tone and trying to sound casual).. he went ".....not in the near future". And he went on to imply that Yes, in the future but not too soon.. and added "you might be going to the states anyway" (i do have an ambition to move there for studies but I have on more than one occassion assured him that I might just stick with a local university), have I not make my "priorities" clear? Even if I have been just too vague and subtle... I am just a little upset with the fact he had a 'future' planned without me in his life... Ok, I hope the both of you aren't feeling the need to punch the screen or the impulse to curse and swear at me, yet.... But I do feel 'exploited' at some point in our relationship. I do not want him to go out with me simply because he just needed someone to spend his time with, besides slogging off in the office most part of the week.

Thanks once again for your time. It's a long mail but I have no way of truncating them without making sure the necessary details are in.
Muchas gracias.

x T


GARLAND: Thanks for such a candid question. You're candid with us, so I'm gonna' be candid with you.

I think you are the only one in your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I don't mean to be cruel, but I hate to see someone being their own worst enemy. Your "friend" telling you that HIS future plans include HIM moving to China is a 100% certain way of telling you that you are just the woman that he is "hanging out" with at this time. By him following that up with, "You're going to the states, right." He was nailing the coffin shut! An appropriate response by you should have been a moment of polite chatter followed by you leaving and never calling him back again. He wrote it on the wall for you, you just didn't want to read it.

I'm a little puzzled about you roaming through his photo files on his computer. When you look deep enough, you will always find something. He probably knew you did a little snooping, and I bet there's a 50/50 chance that he hoped you'd find them, be offended and then leave him. That way YOU'D be the one who walked out and his conscience would be that much clearer. Let me guess, the file with the naked photos was labelled, "PRIVATE" or "PERSONAL". The kinds of names that no one uses for themselves on their own computer. Those are bait titles, nothing more.

Not telling his friends that you are his "girlfriend" is some classic high school foolishness. I bet that Chuck will tell you that he does this just in case something better comes along - he can slide up to her without the stigma of having a known girlfriend among his friends. Real smooth, real low, real obvious.

Lastly, while I think that it is not uncommon for people to have multiple sex partners, it sounds like you may have a real "Darren James" on your hands. Your boyfriend may have quite an extensive international lovers list and my instincts question the level of your carefree partner's commitment to safety. I hope you keep this one "strapped up" when you are in the bedroom... the sex may be to die for.

Bottom line - cut your losses, wish this one well, and take your heart to someone who'll care for, and deserve, you.

CHUCK: For those who don't surf Garland's link, to be clear: Some solo international travelers will partake in sexual tourism that can be damaging and risky to their partners back home. So whatever you ultimately end up doing with this guy, try to make sure that you have been safe with him, and he has been safe with his past partners.

T, I'll take your scenarios one at a time, rather than just give you one simple answer (i.e., DUMP THIS GUY). You took the time to give some detailed questions, so I'll try to answer them.

Scenario 1: ANOTHER woman snooping on her man's electronical shit? Man, what did you guys do before computers and digital cameras made it so easy for you? I know, you went through his house like 5-0 executing a warrant. There's a chance that he left those files as bait for you to uncover, but it's just as likely he didn't think to conceal or delete them. Because, A) He didn't feel the need to hide proof of something he did before you were together; or, B) He never expected to be snooped on. You know, talk to him if you like about this, but prepare for at least some blowback on your domestic spying program. Some men can laugh things like that off. Others take it more seriously. But you've got other issues with this man anyway.

Scenario 2: You've dated six months and he hasn't introduced you to his close friends yet? Not good. Three months I might understand, but six months... That's half a year. He's trying to keep you from them, because of the things they might tell you about him, or he's trying to keep them from you, because he doesn't foresee you hanging around for very long. Either way, it seems like a jerk move, and you should call him on it.

Scenario 3: Here's the big break, the Chinese Escape Clause. Under other circumstances, I'd suggest that this man was keeping you sort of at arm's length because he doesn't want to get overly involved with someone with a major move on the horizon. Or I'd say that maybe he is taking for granted that you might not want to relocate to China with him, and has thus made his plans without including you. But it just straight up seems as though you are not being considered at all. This guy, based on your scenarios, seems to be using you as an emotional and sexual way station between the current phase of his life, and the next phase. If you don't mind that, stay with him. If you want something more out of a relationship. move on.

Too Late to Change His Spots?

Question: Can a serial cheater or a "player" change ? They are in the late stages of their life, the mature ages.

What does it mean when a man tells the woman he is dating that she should dress differently, that she does things to get men to look at her, that it's her fault if another man looks at her, she shouldn't go to a bar to socialize, she shouldn't talk to other men, etc.

Isn't this controlling and can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse? Alcohol is drank daily.

Also, what if he doesn't trust her because he thinks she has cheated when she hasn't, but he has been a serial cheater?

Can this type of personality ever change?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Can an old playa' change his game? Well, yes - if he TRULY wants to. But old habits are VERY hard to break. And, its worse if this old player is still hanging in the same spots with the same people he always spent time with.

If he is starting to act controlling and paranoid and is blaming YOU for looking too good and drawing attention [from men] to yourself, it sounds to me like he's doing the same old same old. It always seemed to me that people blame and accuse their [spouse or] significant other of things that they themselves are guilty of. If he is saying that you are trying to get men to look at you because you look good, then chances are his eyes are wandering and trouble is afoot as soon as your back is turned.

When a person accuses his [or her] partner of cheating and it seems to happen a lot, I always think that they are messing around themselves. I've always assumed that while they're out doing their dirt, they don't fully know your whereabouts so you may be out doing "dirt" too. And while they think its fine if they cheat on YOU, you'd better NOT think about cheating on THEM! What is good for the goose is certainly not good for the gander, in their eyes!!!

So, can he change? Yes, but HE has to absolutely 100% WANT to change. But if he's dragging his feet, and disappearing for long stretches of time, and always whispering into his cell phone, and popping in on you unexpectedly [to check on you] then he is still up to his old tricks. If he wants to change, his change will be dramatic and unquestionable - if you still have doubts, then they are probably well founded. Take care!

CHUCK: Yes, like Garland says, a player can change. In fact, most do. Those who don't change by choice are forced to as they age and their options begin to shrink. And, as they say, nobody wants to be that old man up int the club embarasssing himself trying to pull women old enough to be his daughter. It's possible. Anything's possible.

It seems as though you have another problem, though. You seem to be dealing with a man who has declared war on your self-esteem. That whole business of trying to police your wardrobe, getting angry at you when another man looks at you, and not wanting you to go out is some old school emotional abuse. And pretty intolerable.

There is a psychological principle at work here. It's called transference. Basically, this man is projecting aspects of his behavior (flirtaciousness, willingness to cheat, untrustworthiness) onto you. "I'm not worth trusting," he thinks, "so she must not be, either." "Can't this lead to more serious issues of abuse," you ask. You're damn right it can.

Can a person change? Absolutely, if they are willing to. But this guy doesn't have issues, he has subscriptions. Drinking, controlling, jealous, cheating... Where, oh, where is the up-side here? Dump this guy. Don't give him a chance to disappoint you further.

Indifference, Confusion, and MySpace Again...

QUESTION: I have acquired a "special friend." We fooled around about two weekends ago and it was GRRREEAT!! The only thing is he is very indifferent to me. Not to say I want him to pull out all the stops or jump for joy when he sees me but he's just kind of ambivalent towards me. I must say I dont know all that much about him so that may just be his personality. However, I notice that when it comes to his ex, he seems quite sprung. I dont know much about the situation but she has a 4 month old kid with someone else yet he has all these poems on his (myspace page) about how much he loves her and how he needs her in his life yada yada. It seems really awkward to me. I mean due to some little spat that they had, he refused me what I thought would be a weekly supply of (well you know.....) so I mean should I just cut my losses with this guy and buy a vibrator or what?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question.

Uh... how do I answer this? Well, I believe in being honest. To this "special friend" of yours - you are just something to do. I think he just needed some sex, and YOU happened to be there. I'm glad you enjoyed it - but he just needed something to do for the weekend.

You said it yourself, he's INDIFFERENT towards you and AMBIVALENT towards you... HIS ACTIONS ARE TELLING YOU that you mean nothing to him. Don't pretend that you do. You are better off spending that energy jogging, cooking, doing homework, or watching paint dry.

HE IS TELLING YOU that the only person he wants is his ex. If he is leaving sappy love poetry all over his My Space page for his ex, and telling her how much he loves her and needs her, HE IS TELLING YOU that you are just his Jenny B. Readybooty. So, accept that this is all you mean to him.

And by the way- You say that you don't want him to pull out all the stops for you or jump for joy when he sees you. Tell me why the hell you are so damn willing to settle for less than you deserve? Just why in the hell are you willing to give your body [and your health too, if you didn't use a condom] to a man and just be so accepting of being treated like a bug on the windshield. Let me give you a bit of advice here: A MAN WILL ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED. IF YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT, THEN YOU WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH. IF YOU ONLY ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE A CLASSY LADY, THEN THAT IS THE WAY YOU WILL BE TREATED.

I hope you look in the mirror and see a woman that deserves much more and much better than the clown you are stressing over. Good luck at the vibrator shop.

By the way - that 4 month old kid is his.

CHUCK: Yeah, um... to the vibrator shop it is. Unless... You are content to accept the leftovers of a person who is really not checking for you. He will have sex with you when he wants, but if it's affection you're looking for, and not ambivalence, you should just keep stepping.

I feel that so much time between men and women is wasted by people not knowing what they want, and being dishonest with each other. If this guy had told you that all he wanted was a sex partner, and that he was emotionally unavailable otherwise, then you could have decided whether to go for it or not with open eyes. But even though you state that you enjoyed the sex, you are apparently looking for something more emotionally. This guy ain't for you.

I won't really go into the pathetic-ness of this man posting his weepy love poetry on MySpace (as if that EVER worked to win someone back). But in the end, you deserve a man who going to be all about you, and not just one who'll throw you a screw when he's frustrated and horny. Find the door with this guy, and if you can, lock it behind you. And don't forget to buy batteries.