Here comes the Bride and the Gloom...

QUESTION: What's up guys? My girlfriend turned me onto your blog so I hope that you can answer my question because I hope I'm wrong. My boyfriend proposed to me four months ago and we are getting married this September. I am very excited! We're getting married in my parent's church, I've picked out my bridesmaid's dresses and shoes. I'm looking at the invitations and interviewing photographers. Next week we will be putting a deposit down for the reception hall and tasting cakes and dishes for our dinner.

My problem is this, my fiance isn't excited. He doesn't talk about the wedding, he doesn't talk about the honeymoon, he doesn't ask me any questions he just says, "Yes." and "Okay, that's fine."

Does he not want to get married? He says he does, but he never wants to get involved in the process and this is our wedding, not mine by myself. Should I give him an ultimatum and make him be a part of this wedding or what?

GARLAND: Congratulations on your engagement! But hold on a second before you start throwing around ultimatums, you might hurt somebody!

Let's look at this one of two ways:

On the one hand, your soon to be hubby could want out of the whole deal. That is possible, he would not be the first man to get cold feet.

However, I'm thinking about The Other Hand... He DOES want to marry you and he wants your wedding to be a special day that makes your dreams come true. Let me tell you what I think Your Man might be thinking - he might be thinking, The wedding is really for YOU. YOU and your family and maybe his Mom and Grandma. For him, as with many grooms, he's just showing up to go through the formalities of getting a wife. It's not personal, and it's not a lack of love, it's just that a lot of guys don't care what the bridesmaid's dresses look like. A lot of grooms don't care if the cake is yellow or chocolate, or if you have chicken or fish, or if the invitations are white or eggshell. Some guys just don't care.

It's not that he doesn't care about your feelings, maybe he just doesn't want to be fake, maybe he doesn't want to lie to you when you ask if the strapless shoes will look good on your cousin Sheila's fat ankles. No they won't look good, but he doesn't want to have to lie and say they will. He wants you to be happy, he wants you to be happy with the font on the invitations and he wants you to be happy with all of the pomp and circumstance around your wedding day. I say "your" in the sense of yours and his - but the details and the minutae of the day, are probably above his artistic perception and he, in his eyes, is staying out of the way.

You may want to look at his demeanor as his effort to not cause problems and not rock the boat. I'm sure he loves you and I'm sure he wants to marry you. But that is my opinion. Look at my answer and find a way to ask him if this is what he is feeling. If he says, 'yes,' then you are okay. Let him know that you'd like him to be a bit more involved but don't expect a 180 turn, maybe he'll do a little extra for you.

If he doesn't agree with what I've said, then you may have a problem, and you should send us a follow up question. Best of luck and CONGRATULATIONS again!

CHUCK: Let's just face it: There are many items associated with a wedding that NO man should be expected to care about.

When I was getting married, I was asked repeatedly for my input on invitations, decorations, centerpieces. No man should be asked about centerpieces. Most men never even notice a centerpiece, unless it's in our way when we're reaching for our drink. And then our thoughts go to, "Why is that damn centerpiece in my way?" Just trust me on that.

What I would find a little worrisome, is that, according to you, there seems to be no aspect of the wedding, great or small, that he has an interest in. Whereas I could not be expected to care in the same way about everything associated with our wedding, some things I did take an interest in. Like the reception menu. Like the deejay. Like whether we were going to have an open or cash bar. Like the honeymoon.

At the very least, to have no opinion about where you want to go for your honeymoon sounds pretty strange, to me. But, to be fair, let's examine your behavior, too. Is it possible that you may be a little dominant of your future husband in your relationship? Do you ask for his opinion when you really don't want it, and are determined to do things your way, regardless? Because, if he feels that he won't be heard, he may have just decided to go along to get along. If that isn't the case, I apologize, but I had to ask.

One thing that you can do, to test his resolve, is turn one aspect of the wedding entirely over to him. Tell him that you're too busy with other things, and you need him to work with the caterer on the menu, or notify the travel agent about the honeymoon. You can see how he does with his own project, and no constant oversight. But I don't think you should worry that he doesn't want to marry you. He wouldn't agree to subject himself to the wedding process, unless the goal was something he really wanted. Congratulations.

What could it be? Is it him or is it me?

QUESTION: Hello guys,

I need some advice on a very sensitive topic.
I am going out with an older guy, and have no complaints about most things. We connect on every level, share like interests, have deep long conversations. He supports me in every project or endeavour I am in and is constantly spoiling me with little surprises and gifts.

We have the makings of a great relationship with one exception.
The bedroom.

Sex is hit or miss....he loses his erection quickly, 7 - 10 minutes into sex. I cannot bring him to orgasm often.....only twice or three times in six months. This has me worried. I have asked him if it is something I am doing and he assures me it isn't.
When he does have an erection it is painful for me, which doesn't help things much. Gentle going makes him lose the erection.

I have no experience in these matters with older men (there is a twelve yr difference). I do not know what to expect, and I do not know how to bring up the topic as I sense that it makes him insecure sometimes. And I don't want to approach the issue the wrong way and add to it.

I have considered that we could be just learning each other...but I am the kind to tackle the issue rather than let it drag on unresolved and lead to resentment....

Advice guys??????

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It's a very good one.

I see how sex and stamina could be sensitive subjects. Especially when there's an age difference involved - heck, even when an age difference is NOT involved! There are a number of issues that could be in play here - there could be some health issues he may not know about; he could be on a medication for something unrelated to sexual function and the side effect could be screwing up his blood pressure; or he could be deeply stressed about the age thing and could be really worried about pleasing you and that could be causing the E.D. problems.

A lot of guys measure their manhood DIRECTLY with their sexual prowess. All a guy needs is one or two bad performances in a row and suddenly that next encounter looks incredibly daunting. And THAT kind of stress is going to undoubtedly impact his performance again - then a slump insues and then his confidence drops and then he starts dreading the next failure and sex becomes less and less frequent. We can be weird like that. On top of everything - those first few failures could have been because of something like being tired; or being preoccupied with work or bills; or being sick - something that really had nothing to do with his TRUE sexual stamina.

Okay, what should you do? Talk to him.

Find a time other than bedtime and just tell him you care about him and you want to talk about your intimacy. You WILL have to do some ego-stroking so he won't get defensive and bail on the whole conversation. But let him know that YOU know that stress can bother a man's performance and maybe point out a few things that you know that could be preoccupying him. That kinda' gives him a way out... that way he won't feel old or out of shape [or anything else terrible].

The end result of your talk should be encouraging him to talk to his doctor. If you can steer the conversation in such a way that HE thinks the idea of talking to his doctor was HIS idea - then all the better! Assuming that his E.D. is not in his head - men have a bunch of medical choices to help fix that problem. All a man has to do is go against his "closed-mouth nature" and talk to his doctor. I'm pretty sure if there are no big medical issues - his doctor can give him a prescription and you all could take your intimacy to a new level!

Good luck and best wishes!!!!

CHUCK: Absolutely talk to him. This could be something as simple as "learning each other," but it's probably something more. Unfortunately, as men age, the body is no longer as cooperative as the mind would like it to be. If he has any health concerns, like high blood pressure or diabetes, the medication he's taking may be effecting his sexual performance.

As Garland said, approach him gently, as some men are very sensitive about issues concerning sexual performance. In fact, I think you should first ask him if he has any issues with you. Then you can air your concerns with him. All in the interest of making your sex life together better.

What happens in these circumstances sometimes is when an incident of ED takes place, a man may dwell on it, and bring about another incident the next time. It's human nature. We never dwell on the great, fulfilling sexual experiences we have so much as the times when the sex just didn't work out. So we need to find a way to get past the bad stuff.

If you find that there is a health issue, or even an age issue with your boyfriend, see what his attitude is toward getting some medical assistance with the issue. There is nothing to be ashamed about, and there are plenty of options available: Viagra, Cialis, etc. I'm not suggesting that this may be something that he would need forever. But maybe just until those bad incidents are in the past, and you have learned each other sufficiently. Thanks for the question.

A problem with "Guys Night" (Repost)

QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for two years. Just over a year ago he started having 2 "Guy Nights" each month. Him and about 6 of his friends will get together of these nights and either shoot pool, play poker or go to sporting events (Yankees, Knicks, Nets, Islanders, Jets, Giants). I think he's trying to get away from me. I've asked him if I can go once in while and he usually finds a way not to answer me until he's on his way out the door. Tell me Chuck and Garland, what is he thinking? Is there a problem between us that he's not telling me?

GARLAND: OH! Let me get this one first - Chuck!!!

Thanks for the E-Mail!!! This is a great question for Chuck and I, because we are in a small group of friends that have a once a month "Men's Night!" It's a Poker Night to be exact!!!

I'm 99% sure that there is nothing wrong with your marriage and I'm 99% he's not trying to get away from you... Okay - he IS trying to get away from you, but not for BAD reasons!

I'm going to assume that your husband is a normal, hard working, red-blooded, family loving, faithful, heterosexual male like Chuck and I. If this is mostly true, then all he is doing is hanging out with the guys, telling GUY stories, cracking GUY jokes, doing GUY stuff and acting like an ass in front of who? The GUYS!

All he's doing is letting off some steam and probably having a few beers and a couple of slices of pizza. He still loves you very much I'm sure, but it's in a man's nature to be around other men sometimes... hunting stuff, killing stuff, helping others kill stuff and showing he's just as manly as the next man! This is everything you said he does:

HUNTING STUFF: Shooting pool - the stick is a metaphor for a spear, the ball is a rock or projectile, and the pocket is the quarry!
KILLING STUFF: Knocking off beer after beer and pizza after pizza!
HELPING OTHERS KILL STUFF: Rooting for his favorite sports team!
BEING A MANLY MAN: Winning big at the Poker table!

Things are fine, I'm sure. Two days out of thirty isn't bad at all to me. And, as far as asking to go to Men's Night... DON'T DO IT! PLEASE! He doesn't want to hurt your feelings by yelling "Hell, no! Woman!" Give him his time to get in touch with his inner caveman - he'll love you all the more for it! And, if you still really want to be a part of what he does - recommend a 'family night' event, with a Men's Night feel to it. Have his friends bring their wives or girlfriends over and play some cards or shoot some pool - but make sure he still gets his 2 Men's Nights that month!!!

CHUCK: While I'm not going as far out with the hunting/killing metaphors as Garland is, I'm in full agreement. Most married couples need some time apart to enjoy separate interests. Does it mean that he loves you less? Hardly. I know a couple who used to ride in to work together, eat lunch together nearly every day, and ride home together in the evening. What the hell did they ever talk about? Beats me.

Her: Did you see... Oh, wait. You were there.
Him: Yep.
Her: You remember that guy who cut us off this morning? The nerve!
Him: Uh-huh.
Her: Grunt.
Him: Grunt-grunt.

The only problems I can see with occasional nights out with friends are: A) If he is neglecting to spend time with you or your children; and B) If you don't feel you can trust the guys he's hanging out with. You don't state that either of these is an issue with you. Therefore, your main issue seems to be the feeling that he is enjoying himself away from you. Unless he's done something specifically to make you feel that way, don't take this personally. The fact that he's been stalling telling you that you "can't" go proves to me that he's trying to spare your feelings.

What you need to do is initiate your own night out with your friends. Set up a regular night or two with your friends to go to dinner, or the movies, or even play poker yourselves. Whatever you want to do. Schedule your girls' night out for the same night as your husband's, or another night, if necessary. Let your husband know what you're planning. But if he's got a problem with YOUR going out and spending time with your friends, you probably need to have a serious talk. About double standards.

Who's Playin' Who?

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland,

I met this gentleman a few months back at a game night kinda thing that my friend invited me to. He was cute and I immediately took a liking to him especially as I talked trash to him as I WHOOPED his butt in Spades (I am the queen of Spades, by the way... lol). We actually see each other again outside of a few club events, exchange some small chitchat and I keep it moving. We see each other again at another event we decide to set a date to have a rematch at my friend's house (yes, my golden opportunity to see him again outside of this club crap!) and he agrees.

We speak a few times leading up to the game night and I decide to make a bet *wink, wink* on the game. I propose, that if I win, he has to take me out to dinner. He agrees, and then adds, "what do I get?" *YES!! I say in my head* He proposes that if he wins ( LOLOLOL..yeah, right!) I should buy HIM dinner....AND a movie **YES!!! I say again to myself** So we have a few more convos and I ask him if he has a girlfriend..he says "actually, I have a fiance" A fian-wha? Yes, a fiance. So I'm basically crushed but I keep the fake happy voice and go "oh really?? how long have you guys been together?" He answers said questions and we move on. We still talk here and there but now I'm a bit annoyed. We've been texting and talking and the question that I assumed was just a formality actually comes back with the "actually, I have a fiance" answer. He goes on to say that the fiance is in another country and that she's been gone for some time. So we still talk and such and I forgot to mention that he has also offered to design my website for my up and coming business for free. So, I decide to keep the link (and shoot, let's face it...he's a lot more interesting than ANYTHING I got going on right now)

So game night comes and at my friend's house comes and goes and we win the rematch, thus me winning the dinner out with him.

Fast forward a little bit, we (my spades partner and I) are invited to yet another game night by Mr. Engaged...and yes WE WIN again. Keep in mind, I have not cashed in on my dinner (partly because Mr. Great Potential is now Mr. Engaged) and we've started to talk a little bit more but are just keeping it more about business and on a friendly tip. We go out the following night to a Dave and Busters type place, just me and his friends this time. He invites me to church with him and his cousin the next day…we end up spending the entire day together (not necessarily just me and him alone). We see each other again the next day two days as well (all pretty much in a group/innocent type of setting). But we're flirting AND dude is coming on to me.

About a week later Mr. Engaged comes over to my crib and we watch movies...one thing leads to another and we pretty much get to about 3rd base or so...definitely NOT home. And I decide to ask him what is really going on here. What are we doing? What are YOU doing? What's really the deal with you and Ms. Engaged? He tells me that they are still together the issue only real issue is the distance. He also goes on to say that they broke up a few weeks back because of her once again postponing her return date (another 6 months). They talk however, and patch things up and are now back together. All of this he never mentioned while happening and it is only by me bringing it up that he is mentioning it now. This indicates to me some trouble in paradise. But I can't bank on them breaking up. And even if they do break up, how could I trust him seeing as how he cheated on his fiance with me?
Even knowing and feeling all of this, I still can't help the fact that I like this guy. He is so different from all of the men that I've run into lately. He's smart, an entrepreneur, very goal-oriented, ambitious, witty, great sense of humor, good looking, tall, attends church regularly, etc but I'm 26 now and I'm the mother of a 4 year old. And I'm not looking for a "friends with benefits" type situation. I'm looking for someone that I am compatible with and that I can build with. Someone that encourages me (which he already does and we aren't even together) and someone that inspires me by their own actions. Aside from him being engaged (and a cheater), he seems like a pretty good guy (an oxymoron of sorts).

What do you guys think about this? Should I just leave him alone? Should I be the one that puts an end to the continuous flirting that we've done?

Thanks for your advice guys. Best Regards,

Desperately Confused...In DC

GARLAND: Thanks for the question my confused DC Sister!

For this one, I think you truly know the answer. You close your question with "should I be the one that puts and end to this continuous flirting?" So, you KNOW this is only heading to a bad place emotionally for you.

While this guy is handsome and fine and smart and wonderful and everything that a growing girl [uh, woman] needs. He's engaged. That means that before he met you he dated, fell in love with, went to the jewlery store for, and proposed to - ANOTHER WOMAN. He can call it what he wants and he can play all of the "we broke up for a few days, but got back together last week" games he wants to. But don't let his loneliness and/or emotional hangups break YOUR heart! Sadly, you are just something for him to do until his girlfriend gets back home. He has laid his cards [no pun intended] face up on the table, so YOU know what you are getting into. When his girl comes back home, I'm pretty sure your phone will grow a little quieter.

Don't fool yourself into thinking, "Well, I'll just get him to do my website and we'll just be friends..." or "I'll just let him take me to dinner, because [after all] I DID when the bet, and we'll be strictly platonic..." Don't fool yourself!!! Cut your losses and walk away. Tell him that you don't want to get involved with a guy that has a girlfriend. Don't let him get all semantic on you and start trying to explain or justify the differences between fiances, girlfriends, wives, lovers, etc. Just let him go, because now you are officially The Other Woman, and I doubt if you really want that title.

My best to you!

CHUCK: Believe me, sometimes I get tired of telling women that they need to drop the guy they're seeing, or cut things off with the guy that they're halfway seeing. I really do. It would give me no greater pleasure than to say, "You're doing the right thing. Godspeed." But as long as as Garland and myself are presented with circumstances like these, I can't do that.

I am really sorry that you let yourself get involved with this guy, because there is no way this situation can end well for you. If you cut off contact, you'll be hurt because you have invested some feelings in this man. But if you go on, you're exactly right to be concerned that he may attempt to play you the same way he's playing his fiancee. People do this all the time, and forget this simple part of the equation: The same way you got him/her, is the same way you could lose him/her.

The good thing here is, at least the guy wasn't a total a-hole. He didn't lie to you about having a fiancee. It seems as though he never volunteered any info following that admission, but at least he was truthful. He hasn't hit you with a lot of promises (lies) about how they are on the verge of breaking up, etc., to give you false hope. For a liar and a cheater, you could do a lot worse.

But a liar and cheater IS what you have. So stop looking for cheap ways to get your webpage set up. If you can remain platonic with this man, and not go running around the bases with him, cool. But if not, leave him alone.

Flesh for Fantasy

QUESTION: Do you guys ever compare the women in your life to images you see in the media or perhaps to other women that you might see or meet in public?

This is something I'd like to know.

Sure, I can recognize handsome men when I see them, but I don't compare them to my boyfriend like, "oh I wish he had biceps like that" or anything.

Do you men compare women?

Curious.

Thanks!

CHUCK: So, anyway, the other Saturday, I was watching that Live Earth concert, and Alicia Keys was onstage. And for such a hot day, she had chosen to glam it up. She had a form-fitting burgundy mini-dress on, with some high-heeled pumps. And after observing how thick she was in the legs and thighs, I thought how cool it was that she hasn't taken to heart all that body-image crap that famous women fall prey to. And then I thought, she's doing a pretty nice version of Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Me." Then I thought, "She's sweating a little now. Interesting how it's collecting a little between her breasts." And so on...

Anyway, the point of that recollection is, mentally, I'm all over the place. I don't know about Garland, but that's me. My mind wanders a whole lot. And when it wanders onto women other than my wife, I tend to keep her out of it. That woman is my partner, my lover, the mother of my children. I have too much respect for her to involve her in any errant daydreams that I might have featuring Rosario Dawson, Vida Guerra, or the random Hip Hop Honey.

Basically, although I may might wish my wife was in the shape she was in five years ago (she'd probably say the same thing about me), I don't find myself making any Frankenstein combinations featuring her and any girls from Show magazine. I mean, fantasy's cool and all, but I've gotta live in the real world.

GARLAND: I'm a people watcher... and I love women. So, to me - I think I would have never been able to keep a girlfriend or get [and keep] a wife if I constantly wished they had Janet's abs, Alicia's eyes, Beyonce's smile, or Serena's ANYTHING. I would have never been happy and would have eventually gone crazy.

But that's me.

Some guys probably do look at famous women or women they see on the street and wish their ladies had this or that. Frankly, I think that's a little juvenile and stupid. Like Chuck, I live in the real world.

To me, I love the sexy legs and beautiful bodies of many of these celebrity women in the media today. I do! But, I'm a realist, and that is as far as the attractions go. I need far more in a woman than just a pretty face or a hot body, I need brains, integrity, a sense of humor, a sense of purpose, ambition and everything else that makes a woman special. It would be an insult to the women in my past and the Woman in present to wish them to be anyone or anything other than who they are. Shame on any guy that would.

REALLY Personal Problem

QUESTION: Hey guys...I have a somewhat embarrassing issue that I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about. I started dating a good friend of mine a few months ago. Things got pretty deep (which I have no problems with). We haven't spent one day/night away from each other yet...to the point where he gave me a key to his apartment and I damn near live there. But anyway, we were having sex like rabbits...great sex just about everyday...then BAM...no more. I let a week go by without saying anything...but by week two, I'm like whats the deal? So I playfully mention it to him. He responds that this is something that has been on his mind as well. He told me that he doesn't know whats wrong and assures me that it has nothing to do with me. He said he wanted to go to the doctor because he's a little concerned since he's so young (24 years old) to have impotency problems.

I'm trying my best to be understanding to the fact that as a man...yes, that can be embarrassing...BUT a month has gone by....that we've not had sex. I'm trying to not let my imagination get the best of me by assuming that there's another woman, etc. He is a great guy...when he's not at work, he's with me...and again, I have a key to his apartment...so the "other woman" idea doesn't last that long. However, I'm going crazy. I'm confused and don't know what to do to help him. This is the first time I've ever had this kind of "problem". Do you have any advice?
Thanks,

No Sex in the City


CHUCK: No Sex, thanks for the question. I'm glad that you decided to share this sensitive issue with us. I'm not even going to try to be glib with you, since it's obvious you're taking this pretty seriously.

You yourself don't think that your man is cheating on you, and given the info that you've provided, I don't think that's what's going on either. Any number of things can cause impotence in men: stress on the job, depression, a reaction to medication. A couple of serious diseases also manifest themselves by causing sexual dysfunction. I would strongly suggest that he go to a doctor to determine whether what is causing his problem is of a physical or psychological nature.

Men, and Black men especially, are so defined in society by our sex drives that if something should in any way effects that drive, it can be really stressful. And him being unable to engage you sexually right now is probably giving him feelings of inadequacy. He's probably afraid to initiate any sex right now, for fear he won't be able to follow through. Sometimes these things just feed on each other.

I would ask you to be patient with him. Try to get him to relax with you in intimate settings where the energy isn't entirely sexual, like watching a video together or something. If he feels as though he can relax with you in a pressure-free setting, he will probably get back to normal, barring any more serious issues.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I'm with Chuck on his answer, there are any number of medical conditions that could cause performance problems and on top of that, the very stress of THINKING of potential failure can lead to non-performance. So, yeah - let's get Old Boy to the doctor as soon as possible, his body could be trying to save his life.

But let me step outside the box here for a few, there could be some non-physical things going on too, and CHEATING isn't one of them!

Your guy is 24 and you've got the key to his place and you're there almost all the time. Okay, one thing that may be causing problems is simply too much of a good thing too fast! When guys are 24, MAD SEX is usually all we want to have and if its with a HOT young lady, then all the better. Now, I'm NOT saying that your friend is NOT FEELING you, because he may very well be - but what I am saying is that maybe he tossed you the keys to his crib a little sooner than he would have liked. You walked through the door and you brought your Great Sex with you and YOU STAYED, and stayed, and stayed.

At 24, very few guys are TRULY willing to give up large chunks of their freedom. Now again, I'm NOT saying he doesn't like you or want to be with you, but I am saying that he may just need his freedom back and he may need to reclaim HIS SPACE. Don't stress over "Why'd he give me his key then?" Because that's really not the big issue here. I'm sure he thought it was a good idea and he still might, but because you say you "DAMN NEAR LIVE THERE," I'm partly wondering if he's just stressing himself out because he wants some space. He certainly can't ask you for his key back because he's probably worried that that will chase you away, but I'm telling you - he may want it back AND THAT IS NOT A SWIPE AT YOU, it's just that 24 year old men, like a certain amount of freedom and privacy. And, HOT SEX tends to scramble their brains. Now he's got you [and the great sex] and maybe the stress of having SO MUCH OF BOTH is causing some anxiety and some system downtime.

After you get him to the doctor, you may want to give him some space, maybe spend half as much time at his place. Keep in touch with him and still date and all, but maybe try not to be IN HIS PLACE so much and see how that works, maybe even give his key back, I'm optimistic that the results will be hard to ignore.

Stuck on Stupid?

QUESTION: What's up fellas? The ladies in my office love your blog and always want to see if I agree with yall. Usually I do. I swear that I never thought I'd be dropping yall a line, especially since I'm a guy and I tend to know what men are thinking, but I'm a little testy today and I need an amen from the brothers.

It started a few weeks ago when I was hooked up on a blind date with this young lady that was a friend of a friend of a friend. We went out to lunch and a nice time. A few nights later we had dinner and what I thought was a good conversation. I called her several times over the next week or so and noticed that my calls were not being returned. Okay - so I figured, maybe she's not feeling me so I backed off. My friend wasn't happy about the lack of return calls because initial reviews all around seemed good.

Come to find out, Miss Lady was giving me the brush off because she's completely hung up on this scrub that treats her like a doormat. He's 36, still lives with mama, no steady job, dogs her out emotionally, ignores her except for when he needs a little booty, tells her he's seeing other women and yet she still thinks because she's allowed herself to be his doormat for 6 years, he's going to become this great and loving boyfriend/husband because of her sheer determination and willingness to put up with his crap. It's like she thinks she's showing him her level of love by allowing him to piss on her!

Me? I'm a pretty good guy. I'm easy on the eyes, own my own home, I have a really good job, nice car, education and even a scruffy little dog. All of the things she claims to want, only she wants them from someone who wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire! Frankly,I just want to go Chief Jay Strongbow on the guy so he'll stop dogging her. I don't want her anymore for myself because I think she's got some serious mental and emotional damage and baggage. But, my question to you guys is two-fold. Do you agree that many times, women are their own worst enemies when it comes to looking for love and a good relationship? And, am I right [I know I am] for not wanting to bother with this young lady anymore?

By the way, the blog is tight, guys.

Chuck: A question from a guy? Why not? Thanks for the question, man.

We've answered a couple of questions like yours, and sometimes I really think that we should change the blog's title to WHAT ARE MEN THINKING ABOUT THE DEADBEAT BUMS WOMEN CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF. Let's look into it, Garland.

Why are some women their own worst enemies when it comes to relationships? I'd hate to repeat those cliches about some womens' lack of self-esteem preventing them from believing that they might actually deserve a gainfully employed man that is devoted and committed to them. But in all cliches is a grain of truth. I think some women want to feel as though their love is strong enough to change a lump of coal into a diamond. But unless they have better stats on this than I do, the odds of this happening aren't too good.

That's why I think you did a good thing to ease yourself out of that picture. Someday she'll realize what she may have missed out on. Or, you know, maybe she won't. Either way, good men need to start trying to get recognized for their own merits. Maybe form a lobbying group or hire a PR firm. We CAN'T keep losing out to deadbeat dads, drug addicts and registered sex offenders! Stand up, you men who pay your bills and never burned anybody with an STD! Be counted! Let the movement start HERE!

GARLAND: Hey man, thanks for the question/comment and compliment!

Honestly? Yes, I have personally seen quite a few instances where women have been their own worst enemies. Keep in mind - Not EVERY woman does this! But, it's not that rare of a thing either. I wish I knew why. To me, a lot of time, some women look at having a bum for a boyfriend like buying a cheap stock. If you hold on to it, and hold on to it, and hold on to it - one day, it might go up in value and then you were smart to be patient. Same with these bum-assed boyfriends. They just keep figuring that one day, One Day, ONE DAY he'll be that Knight in shining armor that she always knew he would be. Sadly, 9 times out of 10, the BUM he is today, will be the same BUM he is tomorrow.

Bums are rarely born in my opinion, they are grown - like plants. Watered, fed, and shined upon by the sunlight of tolerance and low self esteem by women like the one you are writing about. I'm a firm believer in the fact that a guy will typically only treat a woman [long term] in a manner that she is willing to accept. NOW - I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ASSHOLES THAT BEAT THEIR WOMEN, BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER WANT IT TO SEEM LIKE I THINK THESE WOMEN ARE ASKING FOR THEIR ABUSE. THEY ARE NOT!!! But, I am talking about women that allow their men to be bums and scrubs, and refuse to leave.

I don't think this young lady really wants to be happy. She doesn't want a good guy, she doesn't want a guy that might treat her right. She wants to be a Love Martyr. She just wants to be a victim. I don't know why some women [and some men too] just figure that LOVE has to hurt and one HAS to suffer in order to have a loving relationship.

I think you made the smartest move by walking away early AND quickly.

BTW, the reference to Chief Jay Strongbow touched my heart.

Time to Reconnect

QUESTION: Garland and Chuck, I don't know if you two are married or not and thus qualified to answer this question, but I need advice on how to rekindle the spark in my marriage.

Let me start by saying I'm married to a great guy. Like all relationships, we occasionally get on each other's nerves and probably miss being single, but I think we both are ultimately glad we're still together and really love one another.

We've been married for almost 11 years now, and we have four kids (all from our marriage), ages 3 months, 3, 7, and 9. When we first got together, things were hot and heavy between us. Lately, however, it's been colder than the North Pole in the Sex Department in our house. I realize that most relationships cool down over time as family responsibilities/stresses take over. I also realize that we've got four kids, including a new baby, but my husband has expressed no interest in having sex with me since I've been cleared to resume sex. Plus, our sex life sucked before and during my last pregnancy. This especially concerns me because we continued our sex life during my first three pregnancies, even though my last pregnancy was a little more difficult. When I think back, it's been almost a year since we've had sex. I think this is very unnatural for a married couple.

I've caught my husband on porn websites occasionally and I suspect he masturbates when I'm not around. I'm no prude and have no problem with porn or masturbation since I've used both tools myself, but I do have a problem with these things when my husband is looking at other women and hasn't made an attempt to lay a finger on me. If I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. during my pregnancy, I might could understand it, but I've actually lost a lot of weight since I had our baby and look better than before I got pregnant.

How should I handle this situation? I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head, such as, "Is he cheating?;" "Is he thinking about cheating?;" "Does he still find me attractive?," etc.

I've considered making a move on my husband, but he's had a few performance issues in the past when I've made moves on him and he wasn't ready or was under stress. I'm concerned that this may happen again since our baby isn't sleeping through the entire night yet and we're sometimes tired.

I need your advice desperately, because I'm horny as hell. I don't think I'd ever cheat on my husband, and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but I'm also realistic and know that we're both human and have needs. I've tried to talk to my husband about this and even suggested counseling, but he always has some excuse for why he doesn't think we have a problem. I've suggested things like "date nights," etc., but we've both been guilty of not following through.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, raising our children and having fun, both in and out of the bedroom, together. Please help me figure out how to rekindle some of the romance while still managing to juggle family responsibilities. Right now, I admit that we're both giving more attention to the kids than to each other. In fact, I think we take each other for granted. I believe that's the short road to an affair and/or divorce. Thanks for any advice you can give.

GARLAND: Thanks for such a passionate question. I hope we can shed some light positive on things.

Both Chuck and I are married, and he's been married twice as long as I, so I'm sure his advice may be a little more sage than mine.

I don't know an honest married couple who hasn't had a little slow down here or there at least once in awhile and just talking to people and being married myself I think there are a lot of reasons. Right off the bat - as a man - I wouldn't automatically assume that your husband is cheating. Obviously, I don't know him - but I think it's important to keep a positive mindset as you try to work things out.

One thing that your husband might be going through, is seeing you more as The Mother of his Children, and less like the Sexy Lil'Hottie you were when you all were younger and singler. This happens a lot I believe and it probably has some fancy smancy name, but I don't know it. I just think that some guys come to have issues with doing 'certain things' to the woman their kids call "Mommy." I think some time alone - maybe a few days away from the kids at a nice hotel or resort may make a difference. Kids just screw up the whole atmosphere when it comes gettin' busy. BUT, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You say that he won't talk about things, or he won't follow through on time alone [date-night, etc.] or he rejects the idea of counseling. Okay, face-it - most of us guys are stubborn assholes and going to counseling is just like admitting that we have failed something and we need help to fix it. 80% of us just aren't going for that. So, I think you may have to practically force him to talk to you. Whatever you do - don't raise your voice, don't yell, don't get all emotional, don't cry, don't accuse, don't threaten and don't drop ultimatums. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of DON'T DO'S... because it is. ANY of these things can be used by your husband as a reason to argue or blow up or just plain weasel out of talking. Since he doesn't want to talk, consider him a stick of dynamite with a quick fuse and YOU DON'T WANT TO LIGHT IT. Because you need answers, and HE has them.

I think you need to wait until the kids are sound asleep, maybe get a couple of glasses of wine or a mellow CD in the background and just hit him with the most feared five words a husband knows, "Honey, we need to talk." Just walk through how you're feeling, slowly and without a lot of unneccesary emotional words. Give him a few pauses to interject, but whatever you do, don't let him goad you into an arguement. Far too many times, us guys get out of talking about our emotions by raising our voices and bullying our way out of the room. If he walks out, follow him [don't chase him] but I think he HAS to man-up and tell you what's up. Just remind him that WHATEVER his issue is, he is still your husband and you are still his wife, and remind him of his promise to love and cherish you. Remind him that he made this promise to you AND God. Just go steady and go gently. I know the whole "promise" thing sounds corny, but it may work.

Now, let's get back to my assumption that he isn't cheating. If he's not cheating, he may also be having some 'medical' issues. Simply put - he's just not getting the lead in the old pencil like he used to. I think a lot of guys have manhood issues when it comes to this, and they are just too proud and too stupid to tell the women they love. They'd rather have their women be mad at them and that way less likely to get them in a sexual situation. Or they'd rather have their women full of self-doubt and confusion and therefore again, less likely to push the sexual issue. When you talk to him, as a last resort - ask him about his health, his blood pressure and stuff like that, see if he opens up.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading Chuck's thoughts on this, since he's been in the game longer than I. Best wishes, and good luck. E-Mail us back and give us a follow up... a PG rated follow up.

CHUCK: Young kids.... You want 'em, you love 'em, but they can be ruinous to a normal sexual relationship. Spontaneous displays of intimacy are difficult. Elaborate scenarios are, too. Finding time to be alone is hard, and when you get that time, the temptation to do something else (like sleep) is really great.

A year without sex is a long time. But it sounds as though pregnancy complications, combined with your husband's "performance issues," have combined to create a perfect storm as far as your sex life is concerned. And unfortunately, when bad trends start in relationships, it can be really hard to reverse them.

I would not give too much credence to the idea of your husband cheating on you without some more overt signs (you know them: strange phone calls/hang-ups, unexplained absences, etc.). As for his viewing porn, I wouldn't read more into it than necessary. A lot of married men view pornography as being certain things their wives are not, even in sexual relationships healthier than yours. Porn is available. Porn is undemanding. But it also isn't necessarily a gateway drug to cheating.

I think two things are going to be crucial to repairing your marriage. The first is communication. It could be you husband's performance problems have made him hesitant to initiate relations. And I'm sure that's not easy to talk about. Suggest he see a doctor and maybe he can get prescribed some medication that will help alleviate those issues, at least temporarily. Also, understand: For most Black men, counseling is never going to be an easy sell. Opening up to their partners and family is difficult enough. Letting strangers know intimate details of their personal lives is almost unthinkable. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact. But if you really think that counseling will help you, suggest it. Strongly.

The other thing I believe you two need is time together as a couple, apart from your little darlings. It doesn't need to be a expensive vacation, although it couldn't hurt. A day or two in a hotel 5 or 10 miles away from your home could do wonders for getting you back on the same page sexually. I know that helped my wife and I out a few years ago. Start looking for sympathic relatives or babysitters for this.

Most of all, it's important for you two to realize that you love one another, and display that love. Sexual intimacy is always easier when other kinds of intimacy exist. Try to focus on yourselves as a couple, and not just as parents. All married couples take each other for granted from time to time. With the will to change things, the two of you can turn this around.