Extra rinse cycle, please.

QUESTION:  Hello,
Here's my issue i've been with my daughters father 14yrs our sex life has always been a problem. Mainly for me. years of blaming myself for his lack of interest in sex I finally stopped its not my fault. Im attractive I get hit on by guys of all ages . Leaving things as He has a low sex drive. Life went on. I guess. Until now here's the thing seldomly I will do his laundry. Cause he says he'll do his own. Well a few days ago after finishing the kids clothes. I thought why not do his. So I get his basket and hes telling me he'll do it. I told him I got relax its Sun football. So I'm in the wash room and he comes in again saying he can do it. Only this time he reached in and grabbed a pair of boxers and tossed them in the machine. Again I said I got it. He stood there for a few min then walked out. Still putting his clothes in low n behold I come across a pair of boxers w/cum stains, and another and another and another. I waited til the game was over to confront him and his answer was he had wet dreams he's 43yrs old. Really.. That means 5 out of 9 days he had wet dreams. At his age. I can't even look at him cause I personally think he's full of shit. I'm about to throw him out. I'm crushed. How is it that we have sex once a month or not at all. And the man has all these boxers with cum stains. I'm blaming myself again this shit kills a women's self esteem

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Let me be upfront about a few things before I start.  Chuck and I aren't doctors, so what I'm going to say and what I assume he will say will be largely "assumptions" so don't take it as gospel.

Since I only have what you've given me, I am going to say that I'm 95% sure, you were looking to find something in your husband's laundry when you 'volunteered' out of the blue to wash his clothes at the same time he was watching football. I have to admit that was quite a strategic move.  I assume you were checking his pants pockets for receipts and phone numbers as well before you checked his underwear.  But, considering all that you found, I guess that was enough.

As I first read your question, I assumed that you were maybe seeing the result of your boyfriend's unusual uncontrollable bladder problems.  I assumed that maybe you were seeing one thing and assuming that it was another - but he comes into the laundry room and says, "Uh, baby, I still have wet dreams... uh, 6 or 7 times a week."

If he had a bladder issue and maybe accidentally stained his underwear throughout the day, I could see how that would be embarrassing, but it wouldn't be something most women hold against their men and I think - I THINK - most guys would have acknowledged their medical issue and moved to see what their wives / girlfriends / Baby-Mama's would have thought.

But not your guy - he says he has wet dreams... let's just call them what they are - Nocturnal Emissions.  While that sounds like something that only happens to cars and teen aged boys - it's not. From what I understand, men of almost all ages can have nocturnal emissions.  As a man gets older, they become rarer, but a man in his 40's... if he is having a vivid dream, an intense dream, he can certainly fire off a few rounds.  Or would that be fire off 'one round'? Hmmm?

Anyway - I don't know what to make of your discovery or his claims. I do want to suggest that you try and find a way to take yourself out of his issues.  You say that you blame yourself for his underwear issue and it hurts your self esteem. You HAVE to take a step back and take your self out of this equation - most of your boyfriend's issues are his and his alone.  Sure - they impact you indirectly, but you are making this about you and frankly, it's not. Either he's got some weird physical / psychological issues, or he's cheating and he's just a nasty bastard about it, or he's masturbating at traffic lights - but whatever he is doing - it's not about you, it is about him. I understand how you could feel that maybe you're doing something wrong - but chances are, you are not.  He'd probably have these same problems with 9 out of 10 other women.

Before you toss him out the window though, I'd suggest you give him a chance to rethink and re-offer his answer.  The wet dreams claim sounds weak.  As a guy in his age group, I'm dubious. He may have some kind of porn addition going on and is addressing those desires at inopportune times - see my traffic light comment above; or he may have some darker things going on.  Give him a chance to come clean... Oh geez, did I just say that? Well, look - you know what I mean.  Best of luck to you in this sticky situation.  Oh no - there I go again.

CHUCK:  Garland, bless him, sometimes likes to see all sides of an issue. I do, too. But I can be a little more cynical. I have never heard of a grown man having involuntary ejaculations, or "wet dreams." I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I haven't heard of it. It sounds to me like what it probably is: A weak excuse improvised on the fly.

So, if we can acknowledge what the cause of these deposits is not, let's think about what they might be. Garland speaks briefly of an affair. Hmm, don't think so. If he was hitting it off with someone 5 out of 9 days, as you say, you would have a better basis for your suspicion. Most affairs, that frequency just isn't feasible.

I think, most likely, your man is initiating those wet dreams while wide awake, if you get my meaning. He's been helping himself out, and is soiling his own undies. Has this man never heard of Kleenex? And he's ashamed and embarrassed, hence his reaction to your fact-finding laundry mission. Everyone who participates in such activities has their own particular like and dislikes. But I will say his frequency is off the charts.

You two have so many issues to resolve. The sex life between the two of you has dried up. But your boyfriend is getting his sexual satisfaction from somewhere. And apparently, he still has an active sex drive. I have written here before on the lure that porn and masturbation can have for some men (they set the time and pace, no concerns about pleasing a partner, etc.), but he is not being fair to you. And despite what I agree is a little passive aggression on your part (the Laundry Snooping), you need to be heard here, and have some questions answered. It's could be painful and uncomfortable for you both. But if you two are going to stay together, even in the stunted relationship you have now, you need to air things out.

A personal aside: Garland and I have been doing this blog for a few years, and just when we think that we've heard it all, we get an email like yours, that kind of just makes our jaws drop. Anyway, thanks for your question, and good luck with your situation.

Keeping It Casual

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland!

What a great website I just ran across! I had no idea something like this existed. I’ve only seen women hosting such pages.

OK, here’s the thing:

12 years ago, my piano class visits HIS piano class in another city. I don’t see any of these folks again – until one year ago: I meet HIM, the most gifted pianist of that class, at a summer party and HE REMEMBERS WHAT I PLAYED 12 YEARS AGO!! I had long forgotten it myself. We talk all night, we dance, I cuddle his arm, his beard, we walk home through the night and end up on my coach (no sex) where we talk until well into the next day.

Later on, we have an amazing 12 hours date and he asks me to spend the night with him. I say no, as I’ve already explained my moral standards to him (but he did get a kiss later!) He says it has been his best date ever.

He’s 31, I’m 33. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. He once had a girlfriend and moved in with her but got enough after 3 weeks… He’s told me he sees other girls occasionally, I’ve told him I’m not actively looking for someone. If we bump into each other, he’ll usually see to it that we end up in a good pizza place or something. But he seldom plans anything with me. When I occasionally make suggestions – either spontaneously or a few days ahead – he excuses himself (when I call) or does not respond (to texts, e-mails). But a few weeks ago he started to take some more initiative and we met a couple of times again.

He’s very attractive, intelligent and popular, yet admits freely to me that his confidence is up and down. That sex is (or at least was) important to him as self-affirmation. When I pay him a compliment, he seems to really take it to heart. At times, we’ve had these exceptionally close conversations. At other times, he seems to be lost in his own world. Every time I decide to forget about him forever, we’ll bump into each other again. When I think he must hate me because he’s ignored me for so long he’ll invite me for a gathering or something and be friendly and sweet towards me, stirring my feelings once again. He's the one to bring up topics like marriage, children, death at times when he feels comfortable.

About 4 weeks ago, I wrote him an e-mail, telling him that I care about him, value our friendship, admit a romantic note to it and wonder where it will take us, despite the potential major obstacle of me being a Christian and him being an atheist (we’ve discussed our different views in this respect very openly many times). I simply wanted to let him know where I stand, as we've had this thing going now for a year. (Yes, it would have been better to talk, but I’m so much better at stating myself clearly in writing; besides, we haven’t been in a private place for ages). He’s still not responded to this, but has to other casual topics we’re occasionally discussing on e-mail. Today: I happened to run into him and he stopped me, asking how I was, talking very nicely to me – then said bye.

So dear guys, forget about our differences in faith for now (WE have to sort that one out). But how can I even get him to talk? Is he just polite to me? Other plausible explanations? I want to understand him!! Sorry this got a little long.

Thanks in advance for a few thoughts on the man’s mind!

GARLAND: Thanks for thinking of us with your question and situation.  

Let me just jump right into the middle of your question first -  when you say, "[W]hen I think he must hate me because he’s ignored me for so long..." I just want you to know that it is rarely that deep with guys who haven't turly dated you or been physically intimate with you.   Talking about someone "hating" you because they've ignored you - in my opinion - is how a woman sees a situation but when you are seeing this in a guy, I think you may be way off the mark.  He's just not that into you at that moment and there is probably no hate ad no real deep emotions involved - he's just not giving your texts or calls any attention.  He probably just assumes that you'll be there in the following week or month.  I always hate to sound harsh, but Chuck and I try to be pretty straight and we don't want our advice to get lost in fluffy - politically correct commentary.  

Telling you that sex is "self affirming" to him made me smile.  I don't know if that is the coolest line or lamest line I've ever heard.  Probably the latter, but it tickled me.  

His assuming that you will be there in the coming weeks or months is not anything sinister or untrue on his part - you were still there when he called you back right?  This is where I have to let you know that this guy is all over the place.  He's either a turbulent emotional wreck waiting to go nuclear, or he's a Master Gamesman, dangling what seems to be a ton of frailties in front of you with the hopes that you'll either give in to him on a different level or you'll just stay with him, buying in to his drama.   Frankly, I don't know which it is.  His love-you, like-you, call-you, don't call you - approach seems like someone who may be emotionally unavailable to you [or anyone] and unwilling to change.  It just seems like deeper issues may reside in this chap and he may not be a stock you want to invest in. 

 If he isn't emotionally unstable, then he's just not really feeling you right now.  I hate to see guys spoonfeeding their time and attention to women. DON'T GET ME WRONG, some women do this to guys too, but as far as your question goes... I hate to see him doing this to you. You are really hanging on too tight to this guy,  If you're satifsfied with a mere text or a single call or a good deep-dish pepperoni slice once or twice a month from this guy, you are most likely short changing yourself if you are looking for a boyfriend or serious relationship.

I don't know what his issue is, but he's not giving you a lot of himself and he may not be as excited about you as you are with him.  That's not a crime, but you have to decide what you are worth and what you will and won't put up with.  There is NO RULE that says you have to answer his calls, read his texts or make time for him when he sees fit to grace you with his presence.   

Good luck with whatever you decide.  

CHUCK: This is clearly a case of two people who are in no way matched in their level of commitment. This guy runs hot and cold with you, first of all, because he can, and, second of all, he's most likely seeing someone else during the rest of his time.

Garland is 100% correct, when he dismisses your suggestion that this man must hate you. With guys like this one, feelings rarely run this deep. More likely, he just doesn't think too much about you at all. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to be so inconsiderate of your feelings. If a guy hates a girl, though, he just will cut off all contact completely. So, at least you have that comfort.

But not much else. He seems to resist every effort that you have been making to move this relationship foreward even one inch. Maybe you were hesitant to discuss your differences of faith with him because of nervousness, but it seems as though you have more differences than just religion, which I think could at least be worked through.

You need to get to brass tacks with this man, and ask him if he sees any future between you at all. At least then, you can get things out in the open, and you don't need to wonder.

The Road to The Moral High Ground - might be paved by jerks.

QUESTION: Hi,

M boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me after he caught me Texting a guy. To him, Texting is as good as cheating and he cannot bring himself to trust me again. We have been through many ups and downs these 4 years and what we had was really good. I deeply regret for throwing that away and has been trying to get back since. When I text that guy, I don't have that kind of feelings Towards him like my ex bf has said. I swear. But he refused to believe.

Occasionally, he will call or text to see how I am doing but yet, when I asked for a patch back, he does not want.

It kills me to be in this cycle. Is there hope for reconciliation or should I just cut it off and spare myself the heart aches?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Your ex bf calling or texting means one of two things two me - (1) he cares about you as a person ONLY and he just wants to make sure things are okay in your life or (2) he's still chaffed about your breakup and wants to tease you periodically with the hope that maybe he wants you back only to smack you down and say he's not interested.

With regards to the former, he could have honorable and friendly intentions and he may still like to hear your voice once in a while and just truly wants to say, "Hello." While this is sweet, it could be very negative in the long run - I'll explain why in a minute.

Now, as far as the latter goes - with him just being mean, I'm bothered that this could very well be the case.  I think that he may still be pissed [or hurt] that you were texting another guy.  Now keep in mind, he could have a new girlfriend right now, or at a minimum be trying to get a new girlfriend, but he still wants to keep that wound open with you.  He knows that EVERY SINGLE TIME he calls or texts you - YOU ARE REMINDED THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDED BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT YOU DID.  It's not my place to say what was right or wrong on your part or his, but part of me is bothered by the fact that he may be trying to "play up" the assumed moral highground on his part by shoving your failed relationship back in your face every month or so.  Frankly, I don't like it.

I can't say for sure if there is a chance for you two in the future or not, but I strongly recommend that you take the... "If you love something, set it free..." approach.  The next time he calls or texts, just tell him that this has to be the last time he calls you.  Tell him that you appreciate him wanting to check on you, but your relationship is over and there is no need to reopen that emotional box every few months. Make sure he understands that you don't want to hear from him again, no calls, no texts, no E-Mails and unfriend him on Facebook.  This will take any moral superiority from him and force him to either determine he does want you back or it will force him to stop playing games with your heart and your head.  You have to take that control from him and be prepared to move on completely.  But make sure you tell him - no more contact.  He'll either never call you again; call you and act like a rude jerk; or call you and ask for another chance.  Either way - YOU ARE TAKING CONTROL BACK.

Good luck!

CHUCK: I find myself in partial disagreement with Garland. I don't necessarily think that your ex is trying to lord some moral superiority over you. It could be that\, when he broke up with you, he went farther than he meant to go, regrets it, but can't bring himself to take you back. He may have staked out a position for himself that he doesn't care for, but pride won't let him take it back.

He calls you because I think he recognizes he wants you in his life. But when you do the expected thing, and ask to get back together, his walls go up, and all he can think of is how he thinks you've betrayed his trust. But then he calls you again.

I agree with Garland completely that this situation can't continue, though. Nobody wants to feel like a bad person ("I broke his trust, and I'm telling him not to call me!"), but this rending of garments and gnashing of teeth on both your parts needs to end. The next time he should call you, put it to him straight: Can he ever forgive you, and have the relationship with you that you once had? If he can't, then tell him that he needs to put you out of his mind. You both need to finally get out of this cycle and try to find some happiness.

The writing on the internet wall, page... thingy...

QUESTION: Dear Chuck & Garland,

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 23. We started our relationship out in November of 2011. So it's been a few months now. At first, we spent ALOT of time together we saw each other just about every other day seeing as how he lives walking distance from my house. Lately we haven't been spending much time together and when I ask him he always has something else to do. We are both still enrolled in college so that takes up time too. Neither one of us live on campus. He often uses social networking sites and he is and was very popular with the ladies. He flirts on the Internet and I asked him to stop and he did for awhile but then started back up again. His reasoning was that it's only the Internet and it's not like he's flirting with these girls to their faces. Then he went on to say he doesn't even notice when he's flirting sometimes. I definitely went off in him about the last statement. He will stop flirting and then start again. When he came over one morning I noticed he was texting a lot while sitting right next to me. He picked up his phone one time and I noticed it was a woman's name he was texting. One of the texts said "the thought of you caused it"... That was all I saw. Ever since then my mind has been going insane wondering if he has someone else. Also, just last night I told him I wanted to take him out somewhere and it was my treat for everything and he said he would let me know later. He never got back to me at all. So I told him not to worry about me asking him anywhere ever again because I found out he had been out drinking with his friends. I don't know what to do. I care deeply for him but I feel like I am being taken for granted. Am I wrong for wanting to break up with him?

Signed,
Fed Up

GARLAND:: Hey there, Fed Up - thanks for your question.

Reading your question, it doesn't seem to me that you "don't know what to do."  Your boyfriend doesn't sound like an evil person or a bad guy, he just sounds like a young man that is not ready for a real commitment. He's 23 and you're 22... in "relationship ages" he's 19 and you're 26.  What I mean by that is - he's a lot younger than you when it comes to the maturity and desire it takes to be in a serious commited relationship.

The fact that he doesn't even realize when he's flirting on social media and he's stupid enough to text-up another woman right in front of you confirms 100% that he is far too juvenile to even bother with.  Like I said, he's not evil he's just childish and years and miles away from being ready to be a committed man. Don't feel guity about pounding sand and walking away from this guy.  The writing is on the wall and it reads - LEAVE NOW, DON'T LOOK BACK!

Best wishes to you.

CHUCK:  Always in the interest of answering the question that is posed: No, you are not wrong for wanting to break up with your boyfriend. Primarily, because it seems that he's already broken up with you. He is not spending time with you, he doesn't return your messages, and he's hitting it off big time with whoever on the text. He's already moved on, but hasn't shown you the common courtesy to say the words.

In the only defense I can come up with for him, he is 23 years old. The vast majority of guys that age lack the emotional maturity to settle down with one woman. Especially when he thinks he has other options elsewhere. And unfortunately, a key component of that immaturity is dishonesty and selfishness. He's investigating his options, but he has no interest in being truthful with you about it. He tells you, "No, I won't text no other women anymore." But he keeps doing it. And claiming not to notice is he's flirting is sufficient fertilizer with which to build a sizable explosive device. Come on.

The ultimate display of disrespect, though, is texting some chick right in your presence. People talk a lot about "the Game," in relationships. The Game is rarely played this shoddy. I'm blowing the whistle on this fool , and sending him to the penalty box.

You're 22. You've got no reason to be wasting your time with this liar. Let his lack of contact with you be the last word on the subject. Garland's all-caps statement above goes double for me. Enjoy your life.

The Change-up

QUESTION:  So I'm in abit of a situation here...first of all I met a guy (let's call him A)....this guy is really into me but since the beginning he wasn't really my type...so, but then I met his (friend B) and me and his friend have a connection somewhat and I really like him...I catch him looking at me sumtimes and when me and him talk he asks me out about myself and it feels like its just the 2 of us in the room and (A just dissapears) and when he heard I was in town because we live in two separate cities he'd make sure to hang out with me and A, he even went as far as to invite me and his friend A out on a double date to a restaurant that I had mentioned I like...he basically made himself very available to see me as often as possible...I think he can see I'm not really that into A and even asked me "so do u have feelings for him?" Then I told B that no I don't he's just a friend so I'm not sure if he's really into me or is he just being nice... He also said that we will c each other soon...Because he is coming up to my city ina bit for business...he also added me on facebook without knowing my surname...I really like B but A is not aware of this yet and B said he doesn't even really know why he is friends with A ( like he was saying bad things about him and so on) so I'm not sure as to what to make out of this situation...also I've come to know that me and B have SO MuCH in common...and we def have a connection...So please give me sum advise on is B really into me or is he just being a nice guy...I'm not sure if I'm just in the Friend zone?....

CHUCK:  This sounds like a fairly easy situation to resolve, provided this B guy is being honest with you. Stop seeing A. I'm not sure why you're with him, to begin with, other than to have an excuse to be in contact with the guy you're really into.

There's no reason to prolong this. I don't know what the A guy is thinking, and I don't know if you care. But let's just speculate for a minute: He's seeing a girl he's into, but is unaware that she's developed feelings for a partner of his. He thinks everything's on the up-and-up, but you two are making goo-goo eyes at each other, and talking about him behind his back.

Please don't think you're doing him a favor. A needs some honesty, and a clean break. The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be for him. So break things off with him. whether you tell him you're feeling his friend is up to you. I think you should do, just to prevent further discomfort later, if you and B start dating.

As for B, the reason that I used the phrase, "if he's being honest'" earlier, isbecause you might be unfamiliar with the concept of the frenemy. B could be a frenemy with A, playing his friend, but looking to undermine or hurt him on the sly. If he's that kind of creep, he could be trying to worm his way into your affections, just to say he stole A's woman away. I was stuck in the middle between two frenemies before, it's not a good feeling, and you could end up with no one.

But I'm projecting here. Do what you need to do. Break up with A. And see what's going on with B. You're a grown-up. I assume. Good luck with the Change-up.

GARLAND:  Thanks for your question.  I think you should ditch guy A like Chuck said. 

I think Friend B is laying the groundwork for some distance between him and Mr. A. The whole "I don't know why I hang out with that loser A..." and "A is such a dweeb, I only hang out with him for his cute Lady-Friend..." and "A is like school in the summer, No Class..." is simply a move to assuage any guilt you might have if you and him hook up.  He wants to make you feel, whether it's true or not, that any feelings that A might have when you and B get together are no big deal and there is really no closeness or loyalty there.  True or not isn't the issue, but I think B is looking for 'something' between the two of you.

Don't play around with A if you know you don't really want him long term, it will make things worse when you move on.  Let him know how you feel - gently, don't bring B up unless you have to, unfriend - A [no need to let him see you having fun with your new guy] and move on without looking.

A... B... C your way into a good time!

Try Selection #27: "I Will Survive"

QUESTION: I have been fighting all urges to cross the line with a guy I met two years ago. He is 28 and I am 31, when we met in class we carried on a conversation for a good while, but he was more on my level (maturity) than most guys I know his age. Anyway, he finally convinced me to let down my guard and go out with him, and I watched him sing at a karaoke bar, and the fact that he brought his younger brother who is somewhat mentally challenged along, touched my heart even more. After our outing we dropped his brother off, and spent some quality time together, and one thing led to another and well we had our first sexual encounter. He states that he "I definitely had a good time" but he hasn't contacted me that often since, should I be alarmed....move on......I don't want to be one of those clingy girls. We before the encounter only contacted each other once or twice a week, and he has said he loved me before, I just don't know what to think about his lack of contact. Should I be making a big deal out of it?

Sincerely

So into him

CHUCK:  I'll cut to the chase here: Don't be alarmed. But move on. You haven't said how often you have been contacting him since Karaoke Night, but apparently he is not contacting you like you want him to. The simple answer is that he got what wanted out of your relationship, and isn't interested in any more contact. It may be more complicated than that, but it doesn't need to be.

He got to know you a little bit over the past few years, and had come to realize that, perhaps you were a little guarded. Therefore, a challenge. I don't want to suggest that he included him mentally challenged brother in your evening to intentionally tug on your heartstrings and loosen your panties, but some people are capable of anything. You had sex with him that night, and, for him, the challenge ended. The oldest story.

I could suggest that you track him down, make him tell you that he wasn't serious about you, that the I love you stuff he was running was just part of his game, but, really, you shouldn't lower yourself. You're better than that. You know the score. Forget this guy, and keep it moving. I just hope that this doesn't spoil Karaoke for you forever.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I'm a little bit lost on the timelines of your question.  I'm assuming that you've known each other for two years and only recently went out on your first date.  Okay - I'll assume that. But um... what the heck have you two been doing for the last oh... 23 months?!?!

So, you said that he stated that "He loves you [before]" but since you've gone out on one DATE with him and his brother I've got to question this so-called "love" he claims to have for you.  Is it LOVE like a guy might have for his sister, is it LOVE like a guy has for a great platonic friend, or is it LOVE like a guy might have when he's trying to bullsh*t his way into a woman's bed?  Who knows?

The whole mentally challenged brother idea is cute, he's brother is probably great and they probably love each other to death, but I've got to kinda' stick my finger in the back of my throat for that one.  That was a sappy move and I'm worried that it was strictly a cheap play to earn some grade "A" brownie points with you.  In my book... keep in mind that I said, "IN MY BOOK" my first date with a woman should be about trying to show off your best and present yourself as charming, interesting and worthy of a second date.  When guys bring someone or something extra along - LOOK OUT!  Now what I'm about to say is not a knock on his brother - I would NEVER disparage anyone that is mentally challenged, but I don't like the fact that he brought him along on your first date.  That gives me a bad feeling, either this guy was very insecure and needed to have some insurance that you'd like him, or he just wanted to pull a little slight-of-hand move to speed you to the next level.  I've seen guys do this before to simply hide the fact that they don't have a lot of substance.

Okay - I'm going to leave that date issue alone.  I think it's pretty low for him to sleep with you, and then not call you back.  First date sex is not a crime and it is not always the guy being a dirty dealer, sometimes two consenting adults just want to jump each others bones. But I think he needs to at least be decent about it. A call won't kill most people.  I thinks it's a little low-brow of him. Maybe it's a good thing though, you need two WILLING people to have a successful relationship and I suggest that you not make a big deal out of it. To quote my homeboy Chuck - "you got off light."  You didn't have any money tied up in this guy, you don't have any kids with him, he didn't mess up your credit score.  I'm sure he's not a bad guy, but I think he's not as interested as you might like. He's showed you his cards and you know what he's about. You will survive!  Our best to you-

WOULDN'T BE SINGLE NOW FOR ANYTHING

QUESTION: Okay
I'm 42, divorced officially for one year.
I have a married friend that I have known for years 20+, we dated when we were 16. My dilemma is he constantly has conversations with me daily. Non sexual at first but flirtatious ones recently. Should I stop answering. My ex cheated on me and I don't want anything to do with that happening.


Second, I dated a man for 2 mo. Omg thats when the married friend started flirting. Whoa I figured that one out lol
Anyway, this man I started dating I met online. He stated he was divorced. Which come to find out he is not. He is separated. I backed off from dating him because a. He lied about the divorce issue and b. he was asking to move in. I'm afraid that he's using me. He makes comments about my newly acquired home, what car I should buy, how when he moves in he will pay me rent.
I'm confused by his intentions. What are men's intentions especially second time around?
Money? Sex?
I'm looking for my best friend! Am I being too picky?
Thanks for your time

CHUCK:  Congratulations on your divorce, I guess. But I'm sorry that you're being converged on by bums at all sides. Some men will know you for years as a married person, keep everything platonic, but as soon as they see an opening (like your divorce), they move in hoping they can get something going with you. Maybe an affair, maybe just some rebound sex.

It's a good thing that you acknowledge that you don't want to contribute to the same kind of situation that ended your marriage. If this guy understood anything about you, he wouldn't be coming at you this way. If you're made uncomfortable by his newly flirtacious banter, tell him to lay off. If he refuses to lay off, stop taking his calls. If he keeps calling, record a few messages and threaten to play them for his wife. That's a nuclear option, but if you want to be left alone, look into it.

As for the second dubious male you've encountered, all I will say in his favor is this: Once people are no longer living with their spouse, all kinds of hairs get split. "I'm divorced. No, wait I'm seperated. But I really mean to get divorced. I'm already divorced in my head, so we can date. Really." You see how the thought process works?

But seriously, if you're going to date guys you meet online, you must remember this, first and foremost: PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET LIE. ALL THE TIME. Well, I over-generalize. Garland and I don't lie. But we don't want anything from you, either.

This man doesn't just want a rebound relationship, he wants to move in on you, too. He's seperated, but he wants the feel of marriage with no commitment. Your instincts, I think are pretty much on point.

A lot of guys in their 40's are looking for all the same stuff as other guys: Money, sex, the whole thing. But they don't want to work hard for those things at all. Don't stop looking for your best friend. I'm confident you'll find him. Just watch out for the hazards along the way.  

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

What are men looking for the second time around?  Probably the same things they were looking for the first time.  Only the second time they usually have less to work with.  Less money, less hair, less honesty, less time and less sex appeal than they had the first time.  Sadly, many guys in their 40's think that they have enough GAME, that they don't have to put in any real work,  They figure that they can skate by with the minimum of effort, because they [think] they know the rules.  By and large, they don't.

If Mr. Internet Lover... I'm sorry - Mr. Lying Internet Lover now wants to move in and pay rent to you, be prepared for a long and embarrasing grilling by Judge Judy.  He will stiff you on the rent and you will have to go to court and explain how he duped a grown and mature woman with some foolishness that would barely fly at the elementary school playground.  Stand your ground and tell this clown to pound sand.  He will only be good to AND FOR you when he is walking away never to walk towards you again.  The last time I checked - they have apartments all over this country, if he wants a new place, tell him to get his own apartment and stop trying to stiff you.  He wants the comforts of The Wifey, but he doesn't want to put in the legit time to make it work. He is a bum.  Listen to his rattle.

With regards to the old flame who wants to flirt with you now - he too sounds like a bum to me.  He knows that you are divorced and common sense should tell him that you may be vulerable.  I doubt that there is anything sincere in his comments and he is probably trying to see just how much it would take for you to sleep with him. That is low down and not to trait of a real friend.

You need to keep your head up and keep focused.  All men are not the scrubs that these guys represent. Your [NEW] Best Friend is out there and I'm optimistic that you'll find him. Don't let weak players and bored husbands get in your way.

Meet my wife, Chlamydia...uh, Cheryl.

QUESTION: My husband and his best friend get way too personal about myself and his friends wife! For example, his friends wife got Clamidia and told my husband, that is way too personal to be telling your friends! Another I've just had my first yeast infection from taking antibiotics and I'm so insecure about it because it's never happened before! I can't trust my husband not to tell his friend! His friend is no longer allowed over my house because I told him I do not feel comfortable being around him. God knows what that guy knows about me! I have ZERO personal life!

GARLAND: Hi there - since you really didn't ask us a question, I'm going to assume you want our opinion on your husband. 

I'm going to do a 180 here for the first time I can recall.  This answer is my REVISED answer to your E-Mail.  I did one previously and posted it for 24 hours, but a day has given me a new perspective.

Since you didn't give me a whole lot to go on, I have to make some broad assumptions.

Initially, I thought your husband might be childishly putting your business out in the street, but you really didn't give me enough to get a conviction on that point, so I have to aquit him.

As far as the best friend's wife's Chlamydia goes, I thought about that.  His best friend may have told your husband that information because MOST married women don't just GET Chlamydia. His best friend was probably shocked and probably came to your husband for support or advice. I don't think that is too crazy. If my wife came to me with some BS like that, I might go to Chuck and say, "Look man, I don't know if I need to get a divorce or what, my wife has blah blah blah. What do you think?"  Would HE tell his wife? I don't know - maybe. Should your husband have told you? I don't know, and you didn't give the details around this revelation.  It is a stunning piece of information, so maybe keeping it to himself was just too hard to do.

Now, as far as banning his best friend from the house goes... that's a little personal to me.  I had a best friend of over 25 years who was just like my brother, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue - he completely dropped off the grid as far as I'm concerned.  He stopped calling, E-Mailing, communicating, everything, for absolutley no reason.  It has been over 4 years and I still have no clue why he just ended our friendship. While I can't prove it, I have always wondered if his wife played a role in his actions toward me.  I can only advise that you don't push a wedge too deeply between them, you may lose out in the long run.

I strongly suggest that you tell your husband your concerns about what he does and what he is allowed to share with his BFF where you are concerned.  I think that if he is pretty reasonable, he will respect your wishes.  If he tells you that, "Bobby is my homeboy, we don't have any secrets." or  "You're trippin, Baby. Bobby ain't gonna' tell anybody our business." Then you have a Counselor-Grade problem with your husband.  Either way, share your concerns, you might be surprised that your worries are unfounded, or you may have your eyes opened.  Either way, you can't sit back and assume.  Good luck!

CHUCK:  Agreeing with Garland here. We need just a  little more context and details than what you're giving us here. You seem to think that this information was passed along frivolously, like, "Hey, you won't believe my wife, man. You know what she had the nerve to do? She brought a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE in my house, man! No, Chlamydia. That's some nerve, right?"

I think it may have been a little more serious than that. I hope, at least. That kind of news can lead to a serious crossroads for a marriage, and maybe your husband wanted to share that with you. Either way, I don't think that you had the reaction that he was expecting.

You don't seem to care for your husband's friend. I get it. But you know what? You dson't get to choose your husband's friends. The same way he doesn't get to choose yours. However, if you feel that your husband is breaking your trust, by sharing you two's personal business on the level that the friend is, tell him not to do it. Point blank. I don't know too many men who want to hear details concerning yeast infections, but your husband should go along with your wishes, and keep your business in your house. If he hasn't agreed to that in the past, he should do so now.

I don't know if any of this contributed to your feeling that you don't feel comfortable around him (again, need details), but an overshare on the friend's part is just bad form, at worst. If you don't want to hear about anything this friend tells your husband, tell him to keep it to himself. It sounds that the best way to keep the peace in your marriage, is to pretend this friend doesn't exist. That's unfortunate, but that seems like how it is.

The Mantle of Perfection

QUESTION: Dear C and G,


This is the first time I have ever asked for advice via the internet. That being said I found your site, and after reading some Q and A's I got up the intestinal fortitude to ask seek some insight for myself.

John and I were both stationed together in the military, he as an officer and I as an enlisted rank. I had a huge crush on him the first moment I saw him! About two years down the road our unit is abroad and we are all out on liberty. John and I happen to walk into the same bar and he spots me before I see him and sends a beer over to me. Later that evening we are both at the bar and he tells me, "I hope I don't offend you but you are very hot". I express that I found him very attractive as well. Now it starts... for several months later we kept almost "colliding", so to speak with one another. Friends on each side always seemed to separate us at the end of the night. Finally another country later we were able to be alone together. It was an extreme night of passion that I have never forgotten! He expressed that he thought I was beautiful and how he wished that one of us was out of the military (in regards to the fraternization issue). Shortly after this night I volunteer to go to Iraq.

Ever since that night I have never been able to care about another man in that same way. Seven years down the road I see him on facebook... However, I leave it alone because I had a feeling that he had moved on and was most likely married. A little over a year of me having a fb account, I receive a message from him one day! He says that he saw me on someone's list and just thought he would say hi and immediately asks me where I am at. I was so shocked and excited that he had contacted me, then reality starts to creep up on me. We exchange more messages where he compliments me on my photos and is quite persistent on finding out where I am. I was very coy and vague as to my whereabouts. Then I send him a friend request and see that he is married with very small children. Ya see the five messages prior to me sending this request he told me pretty much everything about his life except that. Now my conscience is no longer comfortable with talking with him, I felt guilty and disrespectful to his wife and children. I messaged him one last message to explain my feelings that I had been harboring for him all this time, and how I needed to quite communicating with him as I now knew that he was very obligated. I unfriended him and thought that would be the end of it. Not so, he sends me a message telling me that he completely understood where I was coming from and how the last thing he wanted was to make me feel awkward or uncomfortable. He said he understood what I was describing because it was very similar to what he was feeling as well. He said "I know that on some level, I myself always kind of wondered if we might run across each other again in person - actually I found myself thinking about it quite a bit...". In attempt to paraphrase the ending, he says that he appreciates his family and wouldn't want to jeopardize them in any way but found himself worried that if he were ever around me again in person he might not have the willpower to fight wanting to be with me.

I presume it is quite obvious to you how conflicted and stuck I am over this man. I felt empowered sending him my farewell/pour my guts out message, then he went and sent that! Ever since his reply I have been quite a failure at letting him go. My heart aches for this man and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him! It has become quite intrusive in my life and every night laying in my bed thinking about him gets me dangerously close to sending him another message. So far my moral convictions have been the only thing keeping me from that... I guess my questions for you two gentlemen are... Could this man actually reciprocate my feelings or could he be seeking an affair disguised as eloquent sincere correspondence? Why would he contact me after nine years?

Sincerely,
Jane Doe

GARLAND: Hey Jane-

Sounds like you’re in a tough spot. I think the biggest part of this issue is the NINE YEARS that have passed. You’ve had NINE YEARS to polish and shape and place the memory of your night with him up on the Mantle of Perfection and Eternal Ecstasy. I assure you that the man you spent the night with nine years ago has changed in many ways, he has since moved through the military, met and fell in love with a woman he chose to marry and he has fathered children with her and he’s done 10,000 other things to make him a different man from who he was when you were together.

Could he reciprocate your feelings? Anything is possible, but I have to tell you that my gut tells me that you are borrowing drama by messing with this guy. I think that there is too much for him to lose to risk anything with you or any woman that is not his wife. I’m sure that you’ve changed too and he has placed that time with you up on his mantle as well, that might be why he Facebooked you in the first place.  With millions of people on Facebook, I think everyone browses for people from their past, old loves, old frieds, old enemies, people that owe them money, lots of people - this "John" fellow probably looked you up to simply say, "Hello."  He probably shouldn't have, but that was his choice - I wouldn't look too deeply into it.  I hope that everyone on Facebook doesn't want to have an intimate relationship with someone from their past that they shoot a message too - if I'm wrong, I'd better have a talk with my wife!

But, think about it for a moment, would you REALLY REALLY want to be with a man that goes to his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he vowed to love forever and says to her, “Uh, baby, this woman that I slept with nine years ago is on Facebook, and nine years ago she seemed pretty nice so I’m gonna’ file for divorce from you and I’m gonna’ see the kids twice a month and I’m gonna’ get a little apartment in another state and I’m gonna’ see if her and I can get that hot sexy night back. So, I’m outta’ here.” You really want to be with this guy? You want to trust a cold-blooded guy like that with your heart? Hmmm, if you do – be prepared for the day he comes to you with the story of the woman he slept with 12 years ago who’s on Twitter.

I hate to sound so cold, but I don’t do this blog to sell warm and fuzzy nonsense to ladies with questions. I understand that the night you had with this guy was special to you, that’s great. But if you are even remotely serious about your own well being, wish this guy well, tell him that he’ll always be a special memory to you and tell him not to contact you again – unfriend him and don’t look back. Trust me – HE CAN AND WILL NEVER LIVE UP TO THE IMAGE YOU HAVE WITH HIM IN YOUR MIND. Move on and let him and his family be happy and find your joy with another man. Good luck.

CHUCK:  We all have our romantic ideals. Those transcendent experiences that we look back on, and compare our current experiences to, often unfavorably.  But the past is the past, and we can't live the rest of our lives there. I mean, you're telling us that nine years have passed, and your experience with this officer has not be been equaled by anyone you've been with since. I would have to think that, at least partially, you won't let anyone else into your life sufficiently to compare to that experience.

As for the Facebook thing, if you're asking whether this guy could not reciprocate your feelings, but is just looking to get laid, despite the fact that he now has a wife and children, I think it's a likely possibility. You've blown this encounter up so much in your head that you're willing to  play a part in wrecking this man's home. Don't do it. As Garland says, if he's willing to throw his marriage and kids away for a Facebook contact, he'll do it to you, as well.

You've kept your time with this man in a sacred place, but I think it's way past time to stop living in the past and get with the future, Jane. You've seen that there is no future with Mr. Facebook, so I think you need to finally move on. Lingering over one guy like this isn't healthy, Especially when he has shown you that he is capable of moving on. Close the chapter, Jane, and stop torturing yourself.

The Short Con

QUESTION: I met a guy in California when I was visiting over a month ago from Germany. We hit it off at a club but didn't exchange any information. A few days later he contacted me through FB and we set up a date. I was very straight forward about exactly what I wanted which was just a night of a lot of fun, then, done. I live in another country anyway. Well, the night and next morning turned out to be really wonderful, full of laughs he even offered to drive me an hour to visit friends in the city (i was initially just going to take the train). After we said our goodbyes he seemed a little sad. He started texting me about an hour later and into the night we were sending flirty texts. He told me that he really wanted to see me again before I left... I obliged. We ended up having 3 days together that were amazing and he even took me to the airport to go to Chicago. It was a sad goodbye again and he was texting me again right after. Ugh I'm making this story really long. Basically, for the three weeks I was in Chi-town before going back texts turned into 2 hour phone calls almost nightly and he asked if he could fly out to see me before I went back to Germany. I said I would love that. Before he came, he told me that he was falling in love with me and that we were meant to be together... that he wanted to marry me have babies, blah blah... A lot of it was flirty joking texts but there's only so much joking you can do before it's obviously serious.


So he came to Chicago to try to convince me to move back to California from Germany but basically said he was going to propose when he got there. I was very clear that the only way I would consider such a commitment would be if he gave me one just as big... if you know what I mean. The night he arrived we had an amazing time as expected... until I had a few too many and realized he had no intention of making that commitment to me and just expected me to leave my life for him and no assurance. I made a scene and the next morning he was upset... understandably. The rest of the weekend we still had a great time but there was a bit of a cloud over us, he was holding onto the scene that I made (red flags he called it) haha. I tried to explain myself but felt foolish. Sunday morning before we parted ways again, I had had enough of the guilting. I told him that he needs to take some responsibility in his part for making me believe that he had these intentions... After some resistance he conceded and apologized that he never meant to lead me on and that he came here with this plan.. bla bla. At that point I was upset and annoyed. So we said our goodbye's again, he gave me a very long drawn out hug in which my body was quite limp with despondence and I wished him a quick safe flight back without any sugary sweet tone. Turned around and walked away without looking back... 15 min later I get a text message "Why does this hurt so bad?" The next day I was leaving for my flight back to Berlin and he told me that he was an idiot for not having the balls to keep me there and that I was amazing... and again that he was in love with me. I called him after I landed and we had a sweet conversation, he said it wasn't over and that he was going to figure this thing out. For 2 days everything was fine and then suddenly nothing... It's now been a week and I've heard absolutely not a peep from him. I know he's going through some family stuff right now but this is painful for me too... to top that off, I might be pregnant... BOOM. Sorry for the super long message but I hope you can offer some good 'man' insight, no brothers or daddy for me to run to ;)


Thanks

GARLAND: Wow. Thanks for your question.

I was wondering if you were going to use the “P” word at the end of the question. After almost 200 questions, I think I’ve got a little sixth sense thing going on.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’m not optimistic about this fellow. He could very well be in love with you and just not know how to deal with that, but his actions don’t make me think this is the case. I’m afraid that he saw you as some kind of challenge. You basically had a big timer on your forehead to him and he saw the numbers ticking by and his ego said, “She’s gone in a few weeks, I wonder if I can get some luvin’ before the clock reaches zero?” Suddenly , he’s the best guy in the world, he’s driving all over the place, he’s texting left and right, he’s using the “L” word, he’s promising promises, he’s talking karats, he’s talking babies, he’s in overdrive, and suddenly he’s in bed and he’s crossed the finish line. I’m worried that the little bit of conversation he gave you after you got back to Berlin was cursory politeness. I’m doubtful that he’ll do much more in the way of attention – that is unless you are carrying his child. Hopefully then the two of you will have some legitimate conversations about your future. Best of luck to you.

CHUCK:  First of all, good luck to you if you are pregnant, although I hope that you aren't. What you have here is a textbook worst-case scenario for bringing a child into this world. Your experience of giving birth to (what I assume is) your first child, should not be tainted by the game-playing and dishonesty this man left you with.

I am not going to say that this guy didn't care about you. I just think he didn't care ENOUGH. He had a nice time with you, and wanted to extend it, so he devised a scheme to get into your head, and made assurances that he had no intention of keeping. He thought that once he got to Chicago, he would sweep you off your feet, keep you in the bedroom, and hope you forgot anything he said about marriage. A stupid con game, but all cons ain't masterminds. So when you realized he didn't mean any of it, he could hang his head, act contrite, and hope that you would still sleep with him, anyway.

As for what happened after: The drawn-out hug, the text at the airport, the phone calls later, call that part of your severance package. The fact is that some guys who do bad shit, don't like to be percieved as guys who do bad shit. So they can talk a good game, they leave you text messages about how they're "trying to work things out." And they can do that, because it doesn't cost them anything, emotionally. You're in Germany now, and I suspect that he doesn't have any intention of seeing you again. So he's cut off contact gradually.

I may be wrong, but judging from the behavior I've seen so far, you can strike this guy from your memories of the States. Take a pregnancy test. Take a couple. See a doctor. Keep us posted. I'm dying to tell you that you got off light.

Gone 'Til November

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland,

I met a man two months ago at a night club. We danced a couple of dances, he asked me if I wanted his phone number, I took it, gave him mine, and he called me that night. We spoke by phone and sent texts back and forth the next day, then on that Monday he met me for drinks and we ended up back at my place, and in the sack! As the week went on we spoke numerous times, saw each other numerous times as well. During this first week he told me that he is married and that his wife is serving time in prison for embezzlement. He told me that he married her against everything in him because he knew she was going to jail. I asked him if he still loved her and he told me that he had grown bitter and cold against her, and that he rarely goes to see her in prison. I hesitantly accepted this, and kept pursuing a relationship. In the mean time I met his children, and his birthday was the next week. I surprised him after work that day and I took him, his children, and my children out to celebrate his birthday. My kids fell in love with him! We have spent numerous hours together with our children and alone. So much so that his children tell me that they love me, and my children tell him that they love him.

My dilemma is with the wife. He told me just this weekend that he is torn. He has very strong feelings for me and my kids, and he doesn't want to hurt us or his kids. He told me that he fells like he is being unfair to his wife even though that situation is killing him. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn't know what he is going to do. He wants to be with me, but he isn't sure he is ready for his marriage to be over even though she won't be released from prison until this November. She has been in prison since last May. His kids despise her for what she has done to them and their dad, and he is torn because of this as well. He worries about his reputation being seen out with me and people knowing he is still married, and he doesn't want anything to get back to her until he is ready to make his decision.

This is killing me. I want to be with him, but in reality I know that I have to prepare myself for the day that he may tell me that it is over between us and he is going to work things out with her. I am not ready to do that, and during our conversation last night he told me that it would kill him to see me out places if we didn't make it and he was with her. I am getting mixed signals and I need a little guidance. What do you suggest?

Thank you!

GARLAND: I started planting mental red flags as I progressed through your question so I could help formulate my answer. I only brought four flags with me and I had to go back and get several more from my mental office to finish them as I moved on.

Let’s see… I like to stay in order, but I’m going to skip the dramatics and tell you that you should prepare for the day his wife comes back home. He’s staying with her and he’ll definitely call you up for creapers on Saturday nights once in a while, but he’s not staying with you.

I’m going to chat about the kids for a second… So, they despise their Mother for what she did to the family AND they love you after a handful of dates? First, I have to tell you that most children, especially younger ones will not DESPISE either parent for embezzlement jail time. Kids suddenly hating a parent after just a few months of jail and then loving a stranger in just a few weeks – it just doesn’t pass the sniff test to me. I don’t know whether he is lying to you and selling you a pipe dream or if you could be misunderstanding the environment you’ve found yourself in. I’m not going to say anything else about that because you didn’t ask us to critique your whole situation.

My thoughts on him – He’s going back to Wifey. He’ll swear the kids to secrecy and if you ever come up in conversation, he’ll do his level best to minimize the situation between the two of you. When he sells it Mama Madoff, you’ll be little more than “some woman” he ran into with the kids at a McDonalds and you all shared a couple of Quarter Pounders [or Royales with Cheese if you’re in England]. Why am I taking such a negative tone to what he’ll do? Because of the first red flag I planted – he slept with you BEFORE telling you that he was married. This is pretty low down and self serving on his part. He probably knew that the odds were against him climbing in the sack with you if you knew there was a wife in the picture. The fact that she was doing hard time in minimum security is a minor issue.

The Bottom Line: I’m sorry to say that he is finished with you and your kids. He needed some company while The Boss was in lockup and he wasn’t man enough to tell you that. He sold you some foolishness and now he’s going to slither away. (Please Read My Older Post called “Rattle of the Snake”)

My best to you. I’m sure there’s a great guy out there somewhere waiting for you.

CHUCK:  This guy is all about himself, and he has noplans to share his life with you. You're just collateral damage. Let's look at what took place here. You met this guy, slept with him rather quickly (let's face it), but afterward he tells you he is married. His wife is in jail, but you decide to continue seeing him, and introduce your kids to his kids! What do you think this is, the Brady Bunch?

The fact that he forgot to inform you that he was married until after you slept together ("I knew I forgot to tell you something! Guess what?"), speak to the idea that his wife is not the only one lacking in character here. He spins the story as hard as he can to make him look sympathetic, but let's face it, divorce papers are served in prison all the time. If he wanted a away out of his situations, there were well-lit exit signs all the way.

What I feel is going on is this guy got lonely, started something with you, but is preparing you slowly for the let down when his wife is released. I don't know if that was his original intention, because he involved his, and your kids in this, but carelessness or foolishness cannot be ruled out.

Face this fact: You cannot replace his children's mother. They may say they "love" you. They may mean it. They may be embarrassed of the fact that their mother is in jail. They may resent her for that. But she is still their mother. And, unless circumstances are a lot worse than you describe, they will eventually welcome her when she gets home.

My advice is to remove yourself from this man's soap opera, despite your feelings. For your own sake. If you find that he can decide to leave his wife for you, then that is another call for you to make. But as it stands now, there's no way this can work out for you, so leave it alone.

Boys will be boys... Don't hold it against them.

QUESTION: Hi I love your blog. I'am 16 years old and I know that in this period of time(teenage years) is difficult to handle emotions. My question is about a situation that i had 2 years ago. One of my best boy friends wrote in his notebook( I really don't know the reason) how beautiful I am, when I saw almost everything that he wrote he torn the paper. n a childish way I insisted him to tell me that if he liked me. This situation was very stupid really but since then my realationship with him has changed. I don't know how he feels, although he told me that he did't like me anymore(something that I think was for avoid more questions from me) and I don't want him to feel bad. What I should do, ignore that wierd event of ourlives or asking him later what he truly feels? I don't know so I need a guy opinion, How boys determine if you like a girl and if you stop liking her right away?


GARLAND: Hmmm. Wow. Thanks for your question.

Since this blog is called “What Are Men Thinking”, I’m going to have to go back in time a little bit and see if I can recall “What Are Teenaged Boys Thinking?”

If I recall correctly, I, like most of my peers, were fairly clueless when it came girls when we were around 15 or 16. Certainly we didn’t KNOW we were clueless, but in the grand scheme of things – we were. This fellow probably does think that you are a Cutie Pie, and he probably does like you. But I know that one of my big hang-ups as a teen was my lack of money before I got my first job at 16, so this guy may want to take you out and spend some time with you, but he may not have the financial means right now, so he’s backing off to avoid the embarrassment.

Another issue may be the lack of ‘Big Brother’ guidance. He may not have the self confidence to really chat with you and he may not have anyone to give him the advice and insight that he needs. At a time when everyone and everything is wired up with Twitter this and Facebook that, WTF this and LMAO that - straight up talking is becoming a dying art. I have a gut feeling that this fellow is just a little shy or even intimidated by you. You may be the “It Girl” in school and he may be struggling to be the backup, to the backup, to the backup clarinet player for the school band. Those ‘popular girls’ are always hard for average guys to approach in school.

My advice – don’t push him about his feelings for you. For heaven’s sake don’t corner him and MAKE him tell you if he likes you. Teenaged boys tend to be a bit stupid when it comes to girls, and teenaged girls tend to be way more sophisticated than teenaged boys. Most boys are either too insecure or too arrogant to understand and be able to explain their feelings about a girl. Just be friendly towards him if you like him. Don’t push him to try an define how he feels. Just be friends with him and let him get comfortable being himself around you and before you know it he’ll take his foot out of his mouth and give you the insight to his feelings that you want.

Good luck!

Waiting, waiting, and uh... MORE WAITING.

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Men and women relationship must be start with honest then only there is belief. When I started this relationship with this guy which is different races with me, I have already explained that if he is not honest to me, please do not flirt with me. But things never go smooth as expected.

This is my first love. I love him after he is committed himself to me and I was only 21, still a university student. However I have instinct that he is married guy after 1 year relationship. That is because he never want to let me to see his parents and not allow me to visit his room even he mentioned that he is staying alone in a rented room. To prove that, I am checking his hand phone secretly to get his house phone number, call his parent and act like a surveyor asking about his background. Things that I do not expect are happen – he is married but no children. He is married after a week we meet.


I wanted to leave him but he told me that if I am leaving him, he have no motto to live. The reason is he loving me but not her, he is marry a arrange match. He mentioned that he not loving her and will try to get me into place – divorce her and marry me. He asks me to give him time. I believe him and waiting for him as I fall into love with him too deep. Times goes by. I tried to convince myself that he will be back for me one day.


But unfortunately after 3 years relationship, things happen – I am pregnant and I just graduated. He tried to convince me to take away the baby but I insist to carry on. He got no comment but mentioned that he will be responsible.


I kept on asked him regarding his plan but seem like there is no progress or changes. One day, I have no choices but travel to meet his parents alone. His parent gets a shock and does not my existing with their beloved son. A big meeting carries out between his wife, his parents and me. His parents force him to choose to have me or his wife and if he choosing me, he have to leave the family. I am glad that he is choosing me that time but he does not want to leave the parents. After discussion, his parents accepted me. Even though, I have lied to my parents that I have already married to this guy without inform them about the problem. I am guilty about that.


However, I found out another truth that hidden among 5 years relationship. His marriage is not arrange marry but actually they are married after 4 years relationship – love marriage. His wife is pregnant after one year marriage but due to certain reason, doctor has to stop her pregnancy. His wife cannot pregnant anymore – in short they can’t get their own baby unless adopted. Again he promises me that he will divorce his wife and marry me. He mentioned that he does not love his wife. I have questioned him that if he does not love his wife, why he is marries her? He mentioned that he found he does not really love her after met me. And I questioned him again; why you make her pregnant/make love with her if you love me? He has no words but mentioned that his wife is come after him for intimacy not he want to. I so sad and down but my friend advise me that to carry on with him as I am having his baby and also he is choosing me not his wife in front of his parents. I carry on but I lost the belief to him. He is not honest. He mentioned to me that if he is honest he would not have chance to get me. Based on this I carry on my life and hopes that he will divorce his wife and back to me.


My baby born- is a girl. After that, I felt that I really can’t continue to live in guilty – a lie to my parents and holding a belief in a guy that not being honest to me. I felt I could rise up my daughter alone unfortunately I am pregnant again. Thought it may be a challenge from God that wants me to face, I continue my life with him. Again hoping what he is promise will come true.


Years go by. It’s been 9 years I am in relationship with this guy and waiting patiently all the while for the dream. He is staying with me most of the time but he used to give reason that he is outstation and stay away for few days. I always questioning him regarding his outstation but he asked me to believe him. I question him regarding his promise - divorce his wife and marry me. He used to ask me to give him time.


I have no patience now as it been 9 years and now I am already 30 years old with stable finance. Do you think I should continue waiting for him?


I hope you can help me as how you help the other.

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I certainly understand that you don’t really want to raise your child by yourself, but after ten years, this man is having has cake and eating it to. He is enjoying the companionship and love of two different women and neither woman is telling him that they are through with him. I assure you that he is telling his wife that he is outstation when he is away from her and living with you. I’m certain that all of the promises he is making to you he is making to her as well.


For him to string you along, to tell you lies and false promises for all of these years – he simply does not respect you. If he respected you or loved you he would be a better man and not worry about his parents or a wife that he ‘says’ he doesn’t love. He would have divorced her and came to you and started an honest life with you and his children. In my opinion, he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love her – if he did, he would play this emotional game with the two of you. He only loves himself. You are only hurting yourself by allowing him to continue to lie to you and come in and out of your home.

What is stressing My Man?!?!?!

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together married six years now and it seems as if we are growing apart every day. I have three kids (not biologically his) and my oldest and him have quit talking to each other. Well, he has quit talking to her. He stays angry all the time and takes his anger out on us. Most days, when he gets home he will go to our neighbor’s house and stay there until almost bedtime. We argue over the kids, money, how the house work is done and honestly, I think I have found my breaking point. I know that he has joined a premade family but after so many years, when will he get over that? Everyone says that he done something most men would not do. I get that, I really do but when will that crutch be lifted? I am so sick of the arguing and verbal abuse. Meanwhile, our sex life is not the best in the world. I ask, and he shuts me down. I cannot take much more of it. Just last night he got mad at me. I really don’t know why. I told my youngest to put her empty soda can on the sink and I will wash it out in a few minutes. He came into the kitchen and said you can’t leave those on the sink. I said I’m not and I will put them up in a few minutes. Well, he goes storming out of the kitchen and saying stuff under his breath. He leaves for a while. What was the point of him being upset over the soda cans. Was it because I didn’t move them when he told me to? I am bible bread so divorce is not an option for me (unless he was having an affair or physically abusive). I fight for what I believe in and I believe in marriage but when is enough, enough? I just don’t know what to do? All I really want to know is does he want out? I mean if he does, shouldn’t he just say hey, I’m done?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and I’m sorry it took so long to answer. Chuck and I have been bouncing around some things aside from this blog and I halfway thought we were going to just let it fade away. I guess we won’t though.

I don’t know if the “Ready Made Family” is the issue here. Assuming he’s a guy with at least an average intelligence, he should have known that he was moving into a serious situation and he was going to have to make some adjustments in his lifestyle, temperament and expectations. He’s not alone – you and your kids had to be prepared for changes as well. You used the term “when will he get over that…” I understand what you are saying, but I don’t want you to think of your newly joined family as something that has to be “gotten over” – I’m sure you and your kids are a blessing to your husband, whether he knows it or not. I encourage you to not think of you and your children as a burden or an obstacle. People have to get over; life changing illness; loss of a loved one; loss of a job; Republicans; but not a new family.

That being said, let me be candid here. I doubt that you and your children are the root issue here. We men are funny, by that I mean fickle – we hold stuff in, especially to our women. Deep deep down we don’t want our women to know that sometimes we are weak, sometimes we get scared, sometimes we are holding on by a thin thread, sometimes we are just plain HUMAN. Many times, we are just too arrogant and too stupid to turn to the ones who love us the most and just say, “Baby, I have a problem…’’ I’m speaking from personal experiences here because I’m a guy, I have my issues and while I’m pretty open with my wife, I don’t always share the things that are bothering me. I have things bothering me right this moment and I bet that if I sat down with my wife and put all my cards on the table, she’d hug me and tell me that – together we can make it all better. And, I know that she’d be right. Am I going to do that – No Way! Because I don’t want to look weak and flawed in front of her. Like I said, We men are funny like that.

It is in these times of not wanting to open up that we men lash out at the stupid little things. The soda can in the sink, the cereal that was left open on the kitchen counter, the light that was left on in the bathroom, the dirty cleats in the corner getting mud on the carpet. These are the things that give us the opportunity to lash out and vent our frustration at ourselves. Sometimes we are like simmering volcanoes, holding in pressure and pressure and more pressure until we erupt and impact everything around us. We don’t mean to do this, and sometimes the pressure of KNOWING we’re doing this adds to even more stress. It is no wonder that so many men suffer from medical issues – we compress so much into ourselves that we give ourselves ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes!

My advice is this. Take your husband away for a day trip or an over-night somewhere, just the two of you. Hold his hand and just talk about light hearted things, no bills, not the kids, not the fools at work (You KNOW you have some fools at work – we ALL do!) and just get close to him. Let him talk, make the time together about the two of you and your happiness together. He probably wants to talk to you about what may be bothering him and maybe you’ll help him to open up. Don’t try hard to force him though – if you do, he may tuck his head in like a turtle and you’ve lost. Just get him to loosen up. If he starts talking candidly, let him go, let him talk, don’t say anything – just nod if you have to. If you interrupt us, we may realize that we’re opening up and we might stop.

If you can’t get away like that, then do this – BE THE WOMAN HE MARRIED. By that I mean, the next time he lashes out at you or the kids for something that is clearly petty, try to step outside of the conflict and BE THAT WOMAN THAT HE LOVES AND TREASURES, and step to him and take his hands or embrace him and say his name and just ask him “What’s wrong Baby?” or “Hey, this isn’t you. Talk to me honey.” It is important that you step outside of the tension and get a neutral mindset and show him that you are an equal partner in his well being and let him know that the soda can in the sink, or whatever caused his current blow up is not the issue. Just give him the window to share what is really bothering his spirit. It might open up some needed windows in your relationship. He is going to have to do some heavy lifting as well, because he is going to have to give something too. He won’t tell all of his secrets, we never will, but he might give you access into part of what is causing his tension, and if that works once… well it might work down the road as well, and before you know it – those flare ups may become more and more rare. Best of luck to you.

CANT TALK NOW, GRLFRN CMING IN ROOMM

QUESTION: My boyfriend of a year has recently started texting other females. I do not know what the messages say or even what they talk about because recently do to extenuating circumstances, he has had to move back to Puerto Rico which is where he is from. So as of now we are in a long distance relationship. I am not sure if I should be worried or not, because I know they are just text messages, but I have asked him not to text other females because I think it is very disrespectful. He stopped for a little while but then started back, this time it was different girls. Does he not love me anymore? Does he not want a relationship anymore? Should I move on? We also have a child on the way, which is why I am so reluctant to believe that he wouldn't want a relationship anymore. And partly because when he was here, we really didn't have many problems. I just want to know exactly what I should do? Am i overreacting? Or is there something to worry about.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. So, Your Man is texting other women. I say ‘women’ because I hate the term ‘females’ even when a woman uses it. ‘Female’ sounds so odd to me, cows and chickens are ‘females.’ I think guys started calling women ‘females’ as a way to be politely disrespectful, almost like calling them “B’s” in their faces without actually using the word. But that’s my two cents, and I guess you didn’t ask me to critique your vocabulary.

In my opinion, your man ‘texting’ a bunch of other ladies is not really cool. Texting now is pretty much like talking on the phone, only slower and with a less inconvenience, but it’s a rather personal exchange. Now, I think men and women can have friends of the opposite sex, but they have to scale that number back when they get into a relationship. Every woman that is on your man’s Facebook Friend’s list isn’t a REAL friend, so he should have a small number of women that he should be texting. Frankly, I just don’t trust a whole lot of texting back and forth, especially if he knows that it bothers you. That tells you straight up that keeping his little secret conversations with these mysterious women is more important than you and any relationship with him.

The Writing, uh The Texting is on the wall here. You know What your Man is Thinking.

Good luck.

CHUCK: Texting has become a pretty socially acceptable way to do dirt these days, for the man or woman with cheating on their minds. Put it like this: You wouldn't tell your boyfriend if you called another guy on the phone 5 times in one day. But you might not think twice about telling him that you texted another guy a few times yesterday. Because, you know, texting is just innocent, right? Wrong.

The same kind of escalating flirtacious behavior that goes on on the phone can take place on text. And even better, since they can be accompanied by the odd risque photo. While I hate using out-of-date manufactured terms from a Fox News Investigation report, "sexting" is a real thing.

You say that you are currently in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend. This texting may be a completely innocent way for him to relieve the pressure of being away from you. However, you say that you have asked him to stop, and he hasn't complied, just found a new bunch of women to send to. You're right. That's pretty disrespectful.

Is this your first child that you and he are having together? Because he may be feeling nervous or overwhelmed with the idea of having a child, and is thus tentatively pursuing more trivial relationships with women. That, of course, would not excuse him, but it would make him easier to understand.

What I would suggest you do is approach him again on this topic, tell him you are uncomfortable with him keeping a little text-harem, and ask him to stop. If he does, great. If not, you need to decide how far you want to take this. I realize that you two are expecting a child, and when he's physically around you, things are fine. But you need to know, if you two are going to stay together, that he is putting you first in his life. It's that simple.