A problem with "Guys Night" (Repost)

QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for two years. Just over a year ago he started having 2 "Guy Nights" each month. Him and about 6 of his friends will get together of these nights and either shoot pool, play poker or go to sporting events (Yankees, Knicks, Nets, Islanders, Jets, Giants). I think he's trying to get away from me. I've asked him if I can go once in while and he usually finds a way not to answer me until he's on his way out the door. Tell me Chuck and Garland, what is he thinking? Is there a problem between us that he's not telling me?

GARLAND: OH! Let me get this one first - Chuck!!!

Thanks for the E-Mail!!! This is a great question for Chuck and I, because we are in a small group of friends that have a once a month "Men's Night!" It's a Poker Night to be exact!!!

I'm 99% sure that there is nothing wrong with your marriage and I'm 99% he's not trying to get away from you... Okay - he IS trying to get away from you, but not for BAD reasons!

I'm going to assume that your husband is a normal, hard working, red-blooded, family loving, faithful, heterosexual male like Chuck and I. If this is mostly true, then all he is doing is hanging out with the guys, telling GUY stories, cracking GUY jokes, doing GUY stuff and acting like an ass in front of who? The GUYS!

All he's doing is letting off some steam and probably having a few beers and a couple of slices of pizza. He still loves you very much I'm sure, but it's in a man's nature to be around other men sometimes... hunting stuff, killing stuff, helping others kill stuff and showing he's just as manly as the next man! This is everything you said he does:

HUNTING STUFF: Shooting pool - the stick is a metaphor for a spear, the ball is a rock or projectile, and the pocket is the quarry!
KILLING STUFF: Knocking off beer after beer and pizza after pizza!
HELPING OTHERS KILL STUFF: Rooting for his favorite sports team!
BEING A MANLY MAN: Winning big at the Poker table!

Things are fine, I'm sure. Two days out of thirty isn't bad at all to me. And, as far as asking to go to Men's Night... DON'T DO IT! PLEASE! He doesn't want to hurt your feelings by yelling "Hell, no! Woman!" Give him his time to get in touch with his inner caveman - he'll love you all the more for it! And, if you still really want to be a part of what he does - recommend a 'family night' event, with a Men's Night feel to it. Have his friends bring their wives or girlfriends over and play some cards or shoot some pool - but make sure he still gets his 2 Men's Nights that month!!!

CHUCK: While I'm not going as far out with the hunting/killing metaphors as Garland is, I'm in full agreement. Most married couples need some time apart to enjoy separate interests. Does it mean that he loves you less? Hardly. I know a couple who used to ride in to work together, eat lunch together nearly every day, and ride home together in the evening. What the hell did they ever talk about? Beats me.

Her: Did you see... Oh, wait. You were there.
Him: Yep.
Her: You remember that guy who cut us off this morning? The nerve!
Him: Uh-huh.
Her: Grunt.
Him: Grunt-grunt.

The only problems I can see with occasional nights out with friends are: A) If he is neglecting to spend time with you or your children; and B) If you don't feel you can trust the guys he's hanging out with. You don't state that either of these is an issue with you. Therefore, your main issue seems to be the feeling that he is enjoying himself away from you. Unless he's done something specifically to make you feel that way, don't take this personally. The fact that he's been stalling telling you that you "can't" go proves to me that he's trying to spare your feelings.

What you need to do is initiate your own night out with your friends. Set up a regular night or two with your friends to go to dinner, or the movies, or even play poker yourselves. Whatever you want to do. Schedule your girls' night out for the same night as your husband's, or another night, if necessary. Let your husband know what you're planning. But if he's got a problem with YOUR going out and spending time with your friends, you probably need to have a serious talk. About double standards.

It's Not You, It's Me

QUESTION: Hi Guys,I came across your website and I think it is great. In Sept 2008 I met I began talking to this guy that I have had a crush on for 8 years but for some reason we never talked and circumstances led to our talking in Sept 2008. What I liked about him is that he was not any of these pushy guys, he was just cool. He would call me everyday even if it was just to say hi. Other times we would have nice lengthy conversations. We would do our morning calls just to chat and wish each other a good day. He would always bake me stuff especially Strawberry...he knows I like strawberryand other nice things we would do for each other. Anyway after about 3 weeks I began having very strong feelings for him - the typical butterflies, thinking about him all the time etc. I am 30 , He is 46.

After about 5 weeks we when to dinner one night and we ended up having sex , like a typical woman I began to think that this was the beginning of something. Don't get me wrong his calls did not stop and he did not ignore me in any way I would even say that he was drawn to me a little more but things did not progress to way I thought they would have after we made love. Anyways I then told him that I liked him and he did not respond the way I thought he would have either and I had an outburst and told him off. He became distant after that. He told me he didn't like how I behaved and after we talked we decided to put it to a misunderstanding. Again things were going cool and went back to normal.

I will admit that I had a part to play in how things ended up. I was often insecure and was always thinking this is too good to be true and was waiting for the other shoe to drop.One time I accused him of driving a woman's car when all it was ....he had taken his vehicle to get serviced and the company have him a car. I would question why he took so long to answer the phone or why he didn't answer it the first time. The straw they broke the camel' back I guess was when I called his office and I accused him of having a woman there because he sounded "funny."

I remember a time I passed his office and his vehicle was not there and I was convinced that a woman had it.........his secretary told me afterwards that it had gone to get cleaned. I never told him this but I always thought along those lines.

After the office incident I asked him about our "relationship" and he said he thought it was best if we remained friends right now. I was devastated because I really liked him. This happened in Dec 2008. Since then his calls decreased significantly and things aren't the way they were. Recently he started calling back a little more often, the morning calls have returned and he brought me some Strawberry cookies on Sunday. Still things aren't like before I know I made a lot of mistakes and I have issues to deal with but I am truly sorry and I want another chance. Do you guys think its possible?

GARLAND: Sure, anything is "possible."

One thing I like about how you present this question is that almost everything you say is relevant. Okay, maybe the cookies were in a gray area, but you put down all we probably needed here.

Frankly, I think you need to leave this guy alone and give yourself some time to get ready for a relationship. Honestly, right now... and it doesn't matter how much you are feelin' this guy, how good the sex was, or how good the cookies are... you don't sound like someone who is ready for a serious relationship.

Let me just explain, or let me just REALLY point out what you told us. You've admired this guy from afar for 8 years - or, since THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION! In that kind of time, its only human to create this 'fantasy' kind of image about someone you want to be with. Chances are, he'll NEVER be able to live up to this image, no matter how 'real' you think it is. I think that is part of your "too good to be true" insecurity with this fellow.

Then, you hit him with the "I'm really feeling you, baby" after you have sex [note, I didn't say make love, technically its not making love unless both people love each other - TAKE NOTE READERS!] and when he doesn't proclaim equal, if not deeper feelings for you, you get mad. You are just WANTING too much at this point and you are WANTING it on YOUR terms. I think a lot of guys would have backed away from you too. Not because your not desirable or whatever, and not because a lot of guys are bums, but simply because men move at a slightly slower emotional speed than you ladies. Maybe he needed a few days to really put his feelings into perspective before saying something deep to you. To steal my homeboy Chuck's world famous line - "You got off light." He could have told you he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and cleaned out your bank account the following week and never spoke to you again. Be glad that he just wanted to scale things back a little.

As far as the sweet sweet way you mentioned "a time when I passed by his office" and his car wasn't there... come on... say it... say it... THE TIME I WAS CHECKING UP ON HIM... he wasn't there and you went nuclear assuming that a woman had his car. Why automatically a WOMAN? Why not one of his guy friends, why not a male co-worker, why not a friend that needed to just borrow his car? Why a woman? And let me tell you - you went and talked to his secretary about it?!?!?!? WTH? You really shot yourself in the foot with that one. You probably came off like a straight up stalker to her, despite the sweet nonchalant way she probably answered your question. Just because you two are women, that doesn't assure you her loyalty and understanding, she probably told him, "Your little girl friend is stalking you, you better watch your back."

In my humble opinion, you need to move past this guy and all that you THINK you might have with him down the road. You have some insecurity issues and some serious trust issues when it comes to this guy and all of these other 'women' that you think are lurking in the shadows ready to take him from you. I just doubt if that will ever work out.

One other component to all of this is the 16 year age difference. For a typical guy in his 40's to date someone who is technically young enough to be his daughter, he is going to need and expect a certain level of 'dating maturity'. He is not going to put up with a lot of sneaking around and spying on him, he is not going to deal with too many questions about who's car he's in and why does he sound "funny" on the phone and why did he wave to 'some woman' in the mall and all this foolishness. At this point, we guys expect our woman to be savvy, cool and confident, the days of jealous phone calls and Secret Squirrel missions should be behind us.

Now, keep in my that I'm not an expert, I'm just 1 of 2 guys TRYING to do the right thing on an advice blog. You are NOT the only person in the world with insecurity issues, you are NOT the only person in the world to do a little secret check up on a dating interest, and you are NOT the only person who suspects that maybe someone else is after the person they want. ANd most of all you are NOT a BAD PERSON... I just don't get a good vibe from you and this guy you are dealing with - as a couple

.

The final decision has got to be yours.

Good Luck.

CHUCK: Writing this blog over the past few years Garland and I have heard from women about men who were deadbeats, dogs, and emotional basket cases. We've advised on relationships that could benefit from an intimate conversation, a harsh word, or a temporary restraining order. So I hope that you will not be insulted when I say that I don't know that this relationship is salvageable. And most of that is because of you.

Let's start at the beginning. You carried the torch for this man for eight years before you became intimate. Wow. On one hand, I want to congratulate you. A lot of the girls I had crushes on, I never got close to. But I think you had unrealistic expectations when you did have sex with this man. I believe that you thought that the sky would open up for him, and he would fall deeply in love with you. And when that didn't happen, you let your insecurity take control of you.

Now this man didn't run away from you. He didn't even back away immediately. He was merely taking some time to process his feelings. I know, that sounds like bullshit, but it's probably true. Some men don't come quickly to a realization that they are in love with a woman. They have to mull it over and deny it to themselves for a while before they can come to a realization. Not the most mature behavior, but what can you do? That may have been what was going on here.

At least until your outbursts, accusations, and overly suspicious behavior worked to drive him away. I agree with Garland that you just didn't "pass his office" that day. You were checking up on him. Own your stalkerish behavior. And I think it's safe to assume that he found out about it, too. After all, he's paying that secretary to look out for him, and that includes, unfortunately for her, acting as a buffer between him and suspicious girlfriends while he's at work.

Can you get this relationship back together again? Yeah, anything's possible. But frankly, why he'd want to, I don't know. He may really have feelings for you, after all. But my advice, if you two do try again would be for you to grow up and calm down a little, not try to force things, and let them grow naturally on their own. Thanks for the question.

LDR or Not?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland!

Happy New Year to you both! I love your blog and would be interested in your advice. I am a married minded young professional woman who only pursues relationships with men who possess qualities that I desire in a life partner. Now, this does not mean that I try to turn every first date into a groom...lol. Far from it!! Simply, I just believe in pursuing quality relationships that have the potential to develop into a long-term relationship.

Consider my approach to dating and the rise in geographically challenged relationships due to graduate/professional school commitments, career restrictions, and the rise in online dating (just to name a few), I am interested in how men think about long-distance relationships (LDRs). and would appreciate any insight you can shed on the topic. Currently, I am not involved in a LDR, but am increasing finding that the vast majority of potential partners that I meet are LD rather than located in my city. Consequently, I am seriously considering LDRs more than I did in the past. However, I do have my reservations but would toss them aside to pursue a relationship with a quality guy.

What are signs that it's an LDR worth pursuing and what are (less obvious) signs that one should move on? What is your do's and don'ts list for women pursuing and/or engaged in long-distance relationships (LDRs)?

Thanks so much and I look forward to your response!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! LDR's eh? I haven't personally been in a LDR in over 15 years and even then it really wasn't THAT deep of a relationship.

Right now, I'd have to say LDR's don't rank very high in my PERSONAL opinion. I think people need a certain amount of REAL face time to make a strong relationship flourish. Certainly there are many people that live in the same city today that are in LDR's thanks to text messaging, facebook and generally excepting less and less from their 'partners'.

I just don't like the whole, "loving the voice on the phone" and "loving the words on the E-Mail" and "loving the person you'll see for 2 whole days next month" that comes with a long distance relationship. Then you will have to deal with the WHAT COMES NEXT in the relationship... you've been relating long distance for 2 years and the time has come to "poop or get off the pot." Someone wants a marriage or gesture of real commitment AKA time to move to the same city. Are YOU leaving your friends, family and job for him? Is he leaving the job and loved ones and history He has to move to your town? Maybe - Maybe Not.

Then the whole arguement over "If you really loved me, you'd move to be close to me will come into effect..."

For me, I think successful, positive, long term-relationships require a certain level of frequent, face-to-face contact that LDR's rarely provide.

I also think... and I'm NOT saying this is YOUR case... but I sometimes think that some people use LDR's as a type of social-crutch when they are either in a dating slump, or they seem to find themselves as the last one in their circle of friends without a significant other. It is fairly easy to find someone online four states over to call your 'boyfriend' or to call up someone you used to date years and years ago who lives in Georgia now and say, "Me and my ex are back together in a LDR for now."

My vote - Just say no to LDR's.

CHUCK: I don't necessarily agree with Garland here. There are any number of factors these days that will force a couple to be apart for a period of time, or lead people to engage in relationships with people that are not in the same geographic region. I believe that it depends on the individuals involved. In my twenties, I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years with a young lady about 1,000 miles away from me. Things didn't end well between us, and I still kind of regret the experiences that I missed out on during the time I was involved with her, and was faithful to her. Anyway, if you foresee yourself in an LDR (don't cha just love aconyms?), there are a few things that you absolutely have to have.

MATURITY: If you are a person who, in a relationship, is constantly in need of affirmation, or declarations and demonstrations of the other person's love, LDRs are not for you. Because your ability to command the other person's time and attention will be severely limited. Phone tag, conflicting schedules, and missed connections may frequently make communication difficult. You can strive for a routine between you (calls every couple of nights, a physical rendezvous every couple of months), but flexibility and understanding is crucial. A needy person in New Jersey with a boyfriend in New Mexico probably won't make it in the long term.

TRUST: Probably the most important thing in any relationship, to my mind, but of immense importance here. You have to be able to trust your man, if he's not home a couple nights when you call him at home after 10 pm. Now he says he's be refereeing a youth league basketball tournament. Do you believe him? You need trust to be in an LDR, and trust comes from knowing a person, so...

FAMILIARITY: Is probably good to have. In an LDR, it's good to have a foundation together before a physical separation is attempted. There are hundreds of people who are surprised when the relationship that they initiated over the internet goes wrong and they can't understand why. They probably really didn't know the person to begin with. And people on the internet lie all the time, anyway. Except for people like me and Garland...

AN EXIT STRATEGY: Finally, you need this. For any relationship seeking any kind of future, gaining or regaining physical proximity is the ultimate goal. So, at some point, brinigng an end to the long distance stuff should be considered. And, of course, that's dependent on what is causing the separation. Things like military deployments and temporary duty assignments are finitite by definition. But other reasons, like job or academic commitments, could be less well-defined. Basically, you need to plan to be together for real at some point. That, as much as anything else probably doomed my relationship. We didn't have a plan. Discuss at what point one of you can try to get a job closer to the other, or a college more geographically desirable.

There's my say on the issue. But also pay heed to the lesson learned by the woman whose question we posted a few months ago, under the heading, "Get Out of Orlando." Sometimes couples aren't meant to close that gap.

Abuse and Attitudes...

FROM GARLAND: This is the first time that Chuck or myself have decided to use our Q&A blog for a sole personal opinion. Chuck may add a comment of his own, or he may not - but I really want to take a moment and get something off my chest.

I'm sure that many people have heard about the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation. Obviously, very few people TRULY know what happened. I, like you, have my own opinions.

But, this post isn't completely about Chris and Rihanna. It's about something I heard last night on the radio and what I see as a dangerous shift in attitudes.

One of the local radio stations had a "call-in-line" where people called in to talk about the C&R situation and I'm going to paraphrase a bit here, but the majority of calls went like this:

• "I don't think Chris hit Rihanna, he doesn't look like the kind of guy that would do that,"

• "She must have really made him angry to punch her like that,"

• "Everybody has their limits and she must've made him real mad to hit her like that,"

• "Females have to understand that if you hit a man, he's gonna' hit you back,"

• "She had to have hit him first to make him hit her like that,"

• "Chris Brown is too nice to hit a woman,"

• "Rihanna, obviously provoked Chris to beat her up,"

• "Let's not be mad at Chris until we find out what Rihanna did to him first,"

The vast majority of callers were African-American women and most of them sounded youngish, in their teens and 20's from my guess. Sadly, they all leaned towards defending or sympathizing with Chris Brown and virtually blaming Rihanna for what may have happened to her.

I was simply stunned. I assumed that man on woman violence would rally women behind the alleged victim, but quite the opposite. They solidly stood behind the man. Maybe it's because Chris has a squeaky clean image, maybe it's because he's cute, maybe it's because he can sing and dance pretty good - but don't all those qualities apply to Miss Rihanna too?

So, why have attitudes shifted, and when did these attitudes shift? Honestly I don't know and I guess I'm floating my thoughts out to the universe to see what floats back.

I always assumed and believed, and still do, that a man NEVER lays his hands on a woman. A man, even when provoked with the gravest of circumstances, NEVER hits a woman. He can yell, he can scream, he can walk away, he can file for divorce, he can go get drunk, hell, he can pack bag and go stay at a hotel for a few days, but he NEVER hits a woman. I thought that was the way MEN did business when things got bad.

Now, I'm not just sitting here passing judgement from on-high in cyber space, I've been there and done that. I've been THAT MAN. Years ago, this woman I was dating brought some nonsense to me and started this intense argument, it went on for 5 or 10 minutes and she decided that she wanted to make her point by punching me in the face. I didn't touch her, I stepped back, furious. When she saw that I wasn't going to strike her back she became emboldened and grabbed a pair of scissors and tried to stab me, I caught her arm and knocked the scissors from her hand, she then bit down on my hand and fell on the floor trying to kick me off my feet. It was intense for a few minutes. But I never hit her, I never smacked her, I never did anything physical to harm her. If this was a man doing this, I would have beaten him bloody, but I have always believed that a man NEVER hits a woman.

I guess that attitude is gone now in most folks. Sadly, I think it's gone in most women.

But, I want to say, right here, right now to anyone reading this blog... THAT NEW ATTITUDE OF ACCEPTANCE needs to change. The standing policy should still be, "A Man Never Lays His Hands on a Woman." Women of all ages and colors should make that a Universal and Un-Breakable policy. It is completely unacceptable that a man should beat up a woman and then have people... and not just men... but have OTHER WOMEN rally around him and help justify what he did! And, I don't give a damn about how much money he has, how cute he is, how nice you think he is... a man that hits a woman is a straight-up punk! A sorry, sucker-ass, jive-time, low-down, no-good, punk!

If a man hits you, get help, call the police and leave his behind in the dust.

Demand more, Ladies! Stand together, and don't accept anything less than you truly deserve!

-Garland

CHUCK: See, and people like to laugh and say to me, "You've had some bad experiences with women."

I'm with Garland here in large part. I've had some pretty angrry confrontations with women I've been involved with, but it's never gotten to a physical level. Still, I've got some thoughts on this whole Chris Breezy/Rihanna business I want to share with you in the form of some bullet points, as follows:

A) WHY DOES CHRIS BROWN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND... if he's not going to be faithful to her? I call this Bow Wow's Conundrum. Chris is young, rich, and apparently attractive to females. He also, by most reports, is lacking the emotional maturity to be in a monogamous relationship right now, like his peer, the former Lil' Bow Wow reportedly was when he was dating Ciara. Fine. He's 19. What would I do if I was in his shoes?

However, instead of openly playing the field, he's in a public relationship with another pop star. Why? Publicity. Chris is gonna get a lot more press if he shows up for award shows and the like, with another star rather than a random jump-off. Magazine covers, videos, these kind of showmances can be beneficial to the principles' careers if people don't go off the deep end and start to think of the relationship as anything other than a business tranaction. Rihanna, Breezy, maybe you should have called Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman before either of you did anything rash.

B) WHERE IS THE LOVE FOR RIHANNA? I know, she's not from America, she supposedly tried to "steal" Jay-Z from Beyonce, she's supposed to be really jealous in relationships, and all that gossip-blog stuff. And I didn't like that song with Ne-Yo, either. But any expressions of concern for the woman allegedly assaulted here have been few and far between. They're basically along the lines of, "Boy, Rihanna must have really done SOMETHING to get Chris to rough her up like that." Sigh.

Granted a lot of the opinions I heard about this last week were from numbskulls calling in to radio shows, but still. If the alleged assailant is innocent until proven guilty, shouldn't the reported victim be shown at least the same discretion? And the fact that a lot of Chris Brown's most fervent defenders were female only bolstered my belief in something I've said for years: No man can show as much disrespect and lack of concern for a woman as another woman.

C) THE BITES Garland and I were discussing these the other day with some friends. Striking a woman with a hand or a fist is dreadful, but it seems to be historically the way a man will try to display his power over a woman. But biting? Where the hell does that come from? One of our female friends said to me, "Oh, you'd bite some one," and I had to disagree. That would never occur to me. I told her, even in a fight to the death with someone, I would fight with my hands, or whatever I could grab. And if my only way out was to bite, I'd bite hard and take a chunk out of my opponent.

The fact that Chris allegedly laid a number of bites on Rihanna gives me a little pause. Maybe this dude wasn't as Doublemint clean-cut as we were led to believe.

D) PARIS HILTON: WTF? One of the more outlandish stories of the past week concerns the source of a number of suggestive texts to Chris Brown that supposedly kicked off the melee between Chris and Rihanna last week. One report is that the source of those texts was one Paris Hilton.

Let me say this: As mad as my wife would be if I was getting texts from any woman seeking to get with me, she would probably be infinitely more enraged if those messages were coming from a say, woman of loose virtue, like Paris Hilton.

That's all I have to say about that. I don't believe it.

E) THE WHOLE SORDID MESS. The election of Barack Obama as President led most of us to rersolve to do better, as individuals, and as Black people. But here, it's barely been a month, and the new Prez's economic plans for the Nation are fighting it out for headline space with this mess. Domestic violence is a very important issue that I feel is becoming trivialized by the he-said-she-said back-and-forth on this story. The rules were simple when I grew up: You do not lift your hand to strike a female. If Chris Brown did this, and is guilty as charged, he should go to jail for it, And good riddance.

Our Radio Interview.... 1/29/09 9:00PM

SassyScribe and Dlyte...

I love the way that sounds.

Chuck and I will be the guests of the Relationship Divas - SassyScribe and Dlyte on WSER Sassy Entertainment Radio on January 29, 2009 at 9:00PM E.S.T.

Please listen in or call in with your questions and have them answered live OR just call in and say, "Hello!"

Just click here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sassyentertainment

The call in number is (646) 716 7414

SassyScribe and Dlyte don't just keep it real, they keep it Right!

Rage and then Regret

QUESTION: I dated this man off and on for a year-we've had 3 break ups within that time. The first time was because I wasn't ready to commit to moving in together and he left in a rage. We were apart about a week. The 2nd time was because he got mad at me at a friends party because I was asking his co-worker questions. He felt that I didn't trust him and was trying to snoop on his behavior when he was away from me. We got into it and he picked a fight with the friend that was answering my questions. I basically broke it off because I saw more rage. This scared me. We were apart for a month.

The 3rd break up was centered around him feeling as though I had disrespected him. He was angry. His ego was bruised over some things I said. I'm certain I could have chosen my words a bit more carefully but I was being honest...I guess a bit too honest. I compared his drinking and anger to my step dad and a previous ex. That same night that I said this-I walked out on him in the middle of the argument because I no longer wanted to argue...well he went the EFF off...threatened to kill himself -threatened to bash his head with a beer bottle-he got a knife and began to cut up his clothing with it. Now he never came near me-has never hit me or anything- he was just in another rage--hollering and fussing. He eventually apologized but I made him move out and he had NO WHERE TO GO. It hurt me to do that but I was hurt-couldnt believe he went that far with it. He left in peace. That was April 08-around July 08 we had brief contact. He tried to work his way back in. I declined. From July to November we had no contact. He'd call I didn't answer- he'd email- I'd delete.I even moved to a new place.

At the end of Nov 08 we started talking again on the phone. This was because he really wasn't pressuring me to get back together. He seemed to just want to be friends and have general conversations every now and then. This eventually led to us meeting up and talking. Since we've been talking again a lot has changed with him or so it appears.Aside from his anger issues this man would be MY perfect man. That includes compromising-loving and affectionate- provider-protector-giving-extremely respectful of women- not just me BUT all women- treats me like a queen-leaves me wanting for nothing- and I'm not talking about sex. God fearing-reads bible attends church...again his only issue is when he gets mad he tends to get ANGRY.

So here's the point-since he's returned he has assured me he now sees where he went wrong in our relationship. He's never been with a good woman and therefore dealt with me the way he dealt with the other women who dogged him -cheated on him-and argued about everything. He said something as simple as asking her to pass the salt was an argument. He says having all those months apart from me has made him realize that being without me is not worth all the fussing. He has actually"studied" ways to help him keep his temper under control when he's mad. One would be mediation. He's a martial artist-therefore familiar with meditation. He has assured me that if I take him back things will NEVER be like they were. He told me that in relationships when someone does wrong you have to show them theyve done wrong for them to learn. He said especially with men that women have to show them that they will take no nonsense if that man really wants to be with her. He says I showed him no mercy and that I will not put up with his temper and therefore he now knows he cannot act this way in our relationship the way he acted with the other women he had bad experiences with. He said he'll keep his temper under control.

So far things seem to be different. There have been a few occurrences where he could have gotten really angry but didn't. He was clearly upset but didn't go into a rage Should I trust this man and try to give him another chance? Can a person control their temper or is that just them and they'll never change? I honestly feel that if I let him go that I'll be losing out on who I want to be my husband---(minus the temper of course)

GARLAND: INteresting question. Thank you for sending it in.

I guess I want to say upfront that I'm not going to say, "Oh, yeah. Trust him, he's a gem. He's changed his stripes, he's a saint now." I'm not going to say that because you might just believe me and he might just murder you next weekend in a fit of rage. Let me just put that out there.

Before you sign over your heart to this guy, visit some domestic abuse websites like: Abused Woman.com and Woman Abuse Prevention. Now, please don't brush this off like I'm being dramatic here - I can almost imagine you saying, "Oh, he'll NEVER hit ME!" But, I promise you that there are tens of thousands of women who have said that and have been subsequently beaten and/or murdered by these same guys who only have 'temper' problems. Make sure you save YOUR life.

Now, could this guy have changed. Maybe. I guess. Anything is possible. But I have to tell you that the whole "if a person is doing wrong, the person in the relationship has to tell them they're wrong so they can do right... " sounds a little fuzzy to me. Maybe he's legit, for your sake I hope he is, but I'm worried that he may have watched a few episodes of "Kung Fu" featuring David Carradine - that tends to make all guys get a little philosophical. I think he may need a little professional help, maybe a counselor for a few sessions. Since he's already beaten up his co-worker and he's got a bit of Martial Arts in his background - I think you need to make doubley-sure he won't physically harm you.

One last thing, you mentioned that he is God-fearing and reads the bible and goes to church - (Chuck might touch on this too) But, don't let those actions blind you. I think a lot of guys use that behavior as a smoke screen for some women. Some guys flip through a few pages of Deuteronomy and sit up in the front of the church for a few weeks and women start thinking that they have a TD Jakes on their hands. Just look at everything with a critical eye. Angry, bad tempered dudes can be very dangerous, me and Chuck's primary concerns rest with YOU.

Make sure that you put YOUR well being ahead of HIS and you'll be okay. Best wishes and best of luck!

CHUCK: This is one situation that is really hard to call, and I don't want to be flip, because there's a lot a stake here. Maybe your life. A lot of women let men with these same issues into their lives, let them BACK into their lives after they screw up, and then suffer the consequences when these destructive impulses lead to their inevitable result. Jennifer Hudson's family tragedy is only one of the more recent tragedies resulting from women allowing bad, angry men into their lives.

By the same token, I do think that it is possible for people to change if they have the will to. Recognizing that you have a problem is key. Following up on that recognition is important, as well. I have to say, though, that the steps this man is claiming to have taken to get himself right sound a little dubious to me. Meditation? Martial arts discipline? How about a formal anger management class? Some actual counseling? That would make me feel more comfortable.

What gives me the most pause is his behavior during your third breakup. Threatening to kill himself or bash himself in the head with a beer bottle, grabbing a knife and cutting at his clothes, these are unhealthy actions even for the angriest angry man. And with behavior this violent, if he were to just briefly think to turn that rage on you... It wouldn't be good.

Should you trust him and give him another chance? In the interest of your continued personal safety, I'd say no. But if you should decide to give him another chance, STRONGLY suggest that he seek counseling or anger management, and reduce, if not eliminate, his drinking. If you mean that much to him, it shouldn't be asking to much that he should try to make you feel secure.

No Substance

QUESTION: Hi Guys, a friend just let me know about your blog and I was so impressed with the combination of frank honesty and respectful sensitivity that I thought I'd ask you about a recent situation that is now over, but I really am wondering, "What was he thinking?"

I'm an educator and a coach for one of my school's academic teams. Last year I met a "nice guy" at one of the tournaments; he paid me a nice compliment and seemed to want to talk to me, but then my team went one way and his went the other. In November 2008 we met up again at the same tournament, and this time he introduced himself (he approached me) and later on when we both had a break, I approached him and we had a pleasant conversation where we learned that we had common interests, including faith and values. He asked for my card so that we could continue communicating instead of waiting for tournaments, so we exchanged business cards.

A week later he sent me a sweet email that seemed to indicate interest, but also was very polite in case I was just being friendly at the tournament. Wanting to let him know that the interest was mutual (if I was reading him right), I took a chance and replied with a few flirty elements - nothing "over the top": he had complimented my smile, so I let him know I thought he was handsome. I also gave him my phone number in that email because I prefer conversation to emailing and we had already met face-to-face, so I was comfortable with that. I did not hear from him for about 10 days, then I received a VERY APOLOGETIC email that plainly expressed interest and explained that he had been extremely stressed lately. I got it because not only was it the busiest time of the semester, but he was stretched between two jobs about 200 miles apart. I would not have been the most pleasant person to talk to then myself, and I only have 1 job. I emailed "forgiveness," and we emailed back and forth that day... Then nothing for another 2 weeks. And the semester was over.

During the 2 week break I noticed 2 things: 1) there was no substance to his emails. On the one hand, I got firing off a quick note while at work, but in my emails I had deliberately included "meat" so that he could get to know me. Nothing intimate. Knowing we had faith in common, I let him know the latest lesson the Lord had taught me (dealing with student drama) and a book I was reading and that it was a blessing. Well, he would respond to the "light" or flirty content, but never touched the substance or offered any on his part. He would just flirt. Nothing nasty, but no meat. At first I was cool with the light, flirty emails because I assumed that substantive communication would take place over the phone, which leads to observation #2) He sat on top of my phone number for over a month with no explanation and these light, flirty emails and long breaks in communication.

At the end of the 2 weeks, I sent him a, "Okay, the last thing I want to do is add to your stress, but are you out there?" email and got a very sweet TEXT MESSAGE and another day of lightweight email volleys, beginning with another apology and him noting that this was getting to be a pattern with him. Then nothing again. 2 days later, I sent him an "I prayed for you this morning" text message, by this time not expecting a reply and not receiving one (one of the things I prayed for was for the Lord to show him what the heck to do with me because he didn't seem to know) and by the end of the day I noticed that I was referring to him in the past tense. OVER. Interesting, on Christmas day he texted me a somewhat cool Merry Christmas and I did not reply. My interest was in a diabetic coma (starved, and fed only sugar) and I had figured out that he apparently was not as interested as he had presented himself, so I was not quite sure how to respond.

Since it was over before it began, I'm okay, but I'm just wondering, "Huh?" I've never had a man APPROACH ME then sit on top of my phone number for over a month. In our conversation, he did not come off as a "player," and he certainly seemed to have some substance to share, especially since his new job was actually in ministry and the class he teaches in his academic job is about the Bible. He is white and I am black, but when we talked about race in our initial conversation it was very comfortable and I was impressed that when he shared his experiences of being ostracized based on his demographics he did not use that to say, "I know how you feel," but instead these instances made him realize that events that were isolated incidents in his life were a "way of life" for some of his friends - meaning he has black friends. So it's over and done now, but I'm curious about what on earth happened.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you!

GARLAND: Nice question. Thanks for sending it and thanks for the very kind words at the introduction.

I'm not 100% sure - keep that in mind - but this guy sounds either married or in a relationship. The whole "lapses in communication" and generally bland tone to his E-Mails sounds like a guy that wants to keep the damage to a minimum just incase 'The Missus' stumbles across his hotmail account or his Blackberry. Polite E-Mails 2 or 3 times a month with a fellow teacher from another school is probably pretty justifiable if he finds his wife staring at him angrily upon his arrival home one night. "Oh, honey. Sheila is a science teacher over at Polytech, really great lady. Great sense of humor always cutting up and flirting."

I hate to dismiss your E-Mails so lightheartedly, but that is a strong probability. He probably wasn't try to play you or hurt you, I certainly don't know his motivations or if he is married or involved with someone, but maybe his relationship is at a questionable point and he wanted to get to know you WITHOUT stringing you along and without too much cheating towards his faltering relationship. He may have overplayed his hand and didn't know what to do next.

The same holds true if he ISN'T seeing someone. Maybe he wanted to get to know you but wasn't sure how well or how far it would or should go.

He doesn't sound like a guy with bad intentions on his mind. A Player could have probably done a lot of harm to you emotionally, but this guy seemed unsure of himself and unsure of what he wanted. In the end I doubt if there was any real malice on his part, I just think he jumped into the pool before he really wanted to get wet. I can tell you, that you haven't heard the last from him. I bet that if you tell him it might be best if he not E-Mail you any more and then you wish him luck for next years tourney, he'll thank you and move on to figure out whatever life has instore for him next. That way you won't have to wonder about him everytime you login to your E-account.

Also, keep in mind that he is the one who lost out here - NOT YOU!!!

CHUCK: Garland's all over this one. Straight up-and-down, he's calling it. I believe that this guy was away from home, feeling a little firtacious, and when he got a nibble from the bait he was using, he was unsure whether he wanted to reel you in. Forgive the fishing analogies. He's probably got a girlfriend, has probably been caught cheating in the past. So while he can't help but contact you, but will not commit to anything but bland pleasantries, spread out over weeks.

You did more than you were supposed to do. You held out for a while, with little reason to, thinking that you had met someone who you had made a connection with. And when his neglect and lack or ardor wore you down, you moved on mentally. Great. And you didn't even say anything about closure. You're gonna be okay.

One thing, though, if I could. A word about faith and values: I don't want to offend anyone, but nearly all of us have "faith" and "values." They may be Christian faith and values, but that doesn't give them less merit, does it? Some of us choose to bang a drum about the supposed Christian values we hold to make ourselves look better. I've heard of many a slippery player, running weak game through a church that would get him a beating anywhere else. Don't necessarily assume that the person claiming to espouse faith and values is any more worthwhile than another person who is living the same way, but doing it quietly.

I'm not claiming that this guy was necessarily a charlatan out to exploit you, because he did not make an active effort to move on you. But you see what got the most attention from him in your communications? Not the Scriptures and affirmations, but the flirting. You felt that was suspicious, well, me, too.

Hang in there. Hopefully the next man you extend your self out to in the name of love, friendship, whatever, will be worthy of your efforts and reciprocate.

Tips: Things NOT to Discuss (or Do) on a First Date

In response to a request that we recently received, we 're starting an occasional feature, offering our tips and relationship advice, out of the context of answering questions.

For our first feature, we're going to try to perhaps lessen those uncomfortable looks and awkward silences that can make some first dates unbearable.

So here we offer a number of topics that perhaps should not be discussed on THE FIRST DATE, if ever.

GARLAND: Hmmm, this is an interesting one.

I've been on my fair share of first dates. And for some [lucky] reason I was usually able to tell which ones were going to be first and only dates and which ones where going to be the first of many. Before I say anything else, I want to make it crystal clear that some of the women I went out with were undoubtedly sizing me up too, and I probably did or said a few things that might have made them decide that they didn't want to get to know me either! So, I don't want to sound like I think I'm the perfect date!

Two things come to mind right off the bat - Marriage and Players.

I never think that talking about marriage, in depth, is a good first date topic. I think 80% of guys when they go on a first date, they are a little worried that the woman they are with are trolling for a husband. No, I don't believe that the majority of women are just dying to get married, and to those that like the idea, they don't just want it with just any old guy, but I know some personally that may talk the topic up so much that most guys duck and run for cover. If it comes up, touch on the subject and then move beyond it - there are so many other things to chat about.

And then, make sure you don't talk about the Players and Bums that have been in and out of your life [and/or bed]. You might think that it shows a guy that you've been hurt before and you might think that an honorable guy wouldn't want to do that to you twice, but more than likely, it MIGHT make you look like someone with poor judgement. To the wrong guy, that is like blood in the water for a shark, he may decide to see how much he can dog you too. Always act like you are on top of your game.

I'm going to add a few more very personal notes to this:

1. Don't lie to a guy on a first date and THEN don't turn around and tell him you lied! I once met this young lady on the subway, she was pretty and very interesting. A few days after we met she asked me to go out with her and help her pick out a suit for her younger brother who had his first job interview. When we met up that evening, she said that there was a big accident on the topside of the beltway and traffic was horrible and she suggested we go to dinner instead. I was all for it. Halfway through our meal she confessed that she had lied to me about the traffic and admitted that she just wanted to have dinner instead. I think she thought it was flattering to me, but I kinda' thought it was weird. It wasn't a terrible or particularly big thing, but it bothered me that she would just drop a lie on me for no good reason. Things eventually went no where between the two of us. Nice Sister - but not for me.

2. Don't be too candid! I went out a few times with this one woman, so this wasn't a first date thing per se, but we were having a really good conversation, and she said, "I'll be honest, I'm a much better friend than I am a girlfriend. I tell guys all the time, 'you're better off being my friend than my boyfriend.' " It was said in the middle of a bigger thought, but she said it and I would come to find out that she meant it. I should have turned and run away when she said that, but I was really feelin' her and hoped that maybe something special would develop. It didn't and when all was said and done, I blamed myself because she told me what she was about, but I didn't listen. So only say what you want heard!!! Nothing more nothing less.

3. Don't try to seem vulnerable. Okay, as corny as that sounds - it will usually work against you. Some ladies may feel that playing a little too heavy to the damsel-in-distress role, might make a man puff up his chest and become Ultra-Man. This might work sometimes because SOME guys feel they have to be the White Knight to the helpless lass, but for the most part I think it might turn off a lot of guys and I'd hate to see someone chase away Mr. Right by pretending to what they think HE wants them to be.

Happy Dating-

CHUCK: Someone stated in the comments to a previous post that I must have gone out with a lot of hoodrats when I was dating. I don't think so. But I definitely went out with my share. So here's a few don'ts for first dates. And no, all of these don't apply to me, personally.

-Don't try to outdrink your date. There's a scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. where Karen Allen, playing Indiana Jones' girlfriend, drinks a bunch of shady characters in a dive bar under the table. That's about the only time that behavior like that is considered cute or funny. Drinking too much on a first date is a no anyway. Drinking that much more than your date is a BIG no.

-Keep things light, unless given signals to do otherwise. If you lost your job, your transmission went up, your brother-in-law came out of the closet, and your cat got worms, talk about it if you must, but don't wallow in your misery. Most people like people who are upbeat, especially when they're getting to know each other. However, if the guy wants to list his complaints, too, you two go for it. We all need a pity party sometimes.

-True story: I once went out with this girl that I got fixed up with by a friend. She was fairly attractive, had a kind of earthy personality, if you know what I mean. We went out to a club, had a few drinks, and, before I took her home, she wanted to stop at a 7-Eleven in her neighborhood. As we come out of the store, she stops at this Mustang that's parked in front, and starts talking to the guy who's driving it. She seems to know the guy. I find it a little weird, but I don't stress it. Until she comes over to me and asks me if I'll buy her some cocaine. Yeah, that's right. The evening ended pretty quickly after that. And the thing is, I knew that going on this date was a mistake before that. I just didn't know what a big mistake it was. The advice here? JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

-Don't talk too much about bad exes. For some of the reasons Garland states: you don't want to call your judgment into question, etc. Plus, if you talk too much about that guy you used to date, who's upstate in prison, who "acted like he owned you" and is getting out soon, well, you may end up scaring some guys away.

-Don't talk too much about good exes. First of all, you may make this new guy you're dating start to feel inadequate. Second, it may lead him to think that you're not over the ex, and you're just dating him on the rebound. Even if it's true, you don't want anyone to think that.

Of course, all of these tips can apply to men, as well as women. Some people are hard on the first date experience. They think that people act dishonestly early on, staying on their best behavior until they feel it's safe to show what big a-holes they can be. But I feel that the initial thrill of that getting-to-know-you experience can be really exciting. Anyway, I hope that someone out there can find Garland's and my advice helpful. Happy dating, indeed.

Fifty-Six Per Cent

QUESTION: Hi, I have to say I love this site... only just came across it and its very informative. I would like to ask you about a situation I am in.

I started seeing a guy 3 months ago, we met on an online dating site. It was very fast paced, a little too fast for my liking and I have to admit I did sleep with him straight away as I had not had sex in 5 years. For 3 weeks it was good, he never really called or texted much, but I kept contact as I was keen, you know the early days stuff lol. Well 3 weeks in, he calls and says (after no contact for 3 days) that he thinks that things won't work as I don't like the same music as him and we are too different. Well after chatting for a while he changed his mind, I only said to him, well I can't change how he feels about this, but how you know this after 3 weeks is beyond me.

So we tried again. (note: he was talking marriage kids etc within the first 3 weeks) Another month passed, the sex was amazing when I saw him which on average was 1-2 times a week, we would average 5 - 8 times in one night. I started to grow feelings for him, and well one day he sat me down and said, he just wanted to be friends, I was devastated, I had supported him through some rough patches and we got along generally and the sex was great, so what was the problem??? I said yet again, well I can't change how you feel, he said well he only felt romantic towards me about 56% of the time. I said well if this is what you want you will need to give me time to get my head around it as I can't be intimate then friends over night, but then he said he didn't want to lose me as he knew that if he did this he would lose me (he was right as I have already dealt with this before and well it hurts too much to be just friends) He asked if he could hug me, I said no as I would break down if he did, but as I was about to leave, I felt dizzy and had to sit down on his bed, I then started getting somewhat emotional and said he could hug me, we both broke down in tears, he sobbed more than I did, so much so I had his tears all over my face. We then looked into each others eyes for over an hour and he said there must be something there look at us. Then we agreed to not put a label on anything and take one day at a time. We also had sex after this.

Over the next couple of months, I would get insecure and I would have an outburst, I know this is not good, and of course it would push him away, he rarely calls, he hasn't really since the beginning and well the rest will tell the story.

I have seen him for one weekend in the last month, it was an arranged weekend, he suggested, although initially he suggested a week together, but with my time constraints I said how about we do a weekend. So the day before the weekend comes, and he sends me a text saying he has been asked to work friday and saturday night, and that he has said yes to saturday night, but wanted to talk to me about friday night. I was in the car when I got this msg, and at first I was so angry, but by the time I got home and knowing he has struggled lately financially, I said to him on msn, well why don't you work both nights and I will pick you up and go back to his. He was thrilled about that I must add. The weekend was great, he decided to ask me to come to his work on the friday night on a boat he works on. It was lovely, and he worked saturday night and said he missed me not being there it didn't feel the same, the only downfall was his work mate would come after work both nights, so we didn't really get quality time together, but while his friend was there, he would always touch me rub my back and look into my eyes with gooey eyes. The sex was pretty good that weekend too I must add, although he is starting to not help if I don't get satisfied.

The day after the weekend, I asked him about a movie as I was in a dvd store and wanted to know the name of it, anyway he had a week before he was starting his new job, and I said to him, if he isn't doing anything and wants company to just give me a yell, his response was, oh I want some space and to just play video games and catch up with some mates. I was so irritated by this, not because he wanted his time, but it felt like an outright rejection, I said to him it was not pressure just a suggestion. He would have space a lot I might add.

I had yet another outburst, as from the 3rd week from going out I have felt like he has less interest in me, I did bust him trying to chat another lady up on online dating saying he would let me down gently, then was very apologetic and wanted to make it up to me.. but last week when I tried to confirm arrangements he was making for a concert, he said he was not enthused about the concert anymore as his ex and her new guy would be going to it, and if i minded that we didn't go, my automatic response was, you are not over this girl. My anger got larger, and I texted him a couple of times saying I think its time to talk, he would ignore them so I got really angry and said, I just can't do this anymore, it was great but I can't hold onto false hope and that I would pick my stuff up soon. Well we got to talk online that afternoon and I basically said to him that if he wants out the door that I can open it for him, and his response was and I wouldn't see you again... I like you but I will never be head over heels in love... wow that has played on my mind since, I did admit my outburst was over the top and that it comes down to my own fears, and he did sympathise... he later told me that he hasn't given up on me yet, but basically everytime I talk to him on msn, it takes him like 20 minutes to respond unless he is talking about himself and his new job. So I have not contacted him for the past three days as I want to change the dynamics, and I want him to show his interest in me if its truly there, what the hell should I do? I really like this guy, but I am afraid that he is just stringing me along, its a case of a lot of mixed messages, yet he has said straight out that he wont' ever be head over heels in love with me, and then later admitting he is not over his ex and they broke up 3 years ago. Am I wasting my time, I know he has appreciated me being there for him in bad times, but he doesn't make a lot of effort, although while we were not getting along he brought me a gift. I am soo confused, its probably evident.. any advice would be wonderful thanks, I am 35 years old and he is 38... I have to note too the ex he is talking about was 17 when he was 33, they lived together for 2 years, she dumped him after he had an accident and ended up in a wheel chair for six months for another guy that was his friend too... he has had friends with benefits since, I don't want to be that.

He has admitted that she was the one he was most in love with and that is why he treads carefully... ahhhhh Thanks so much


GARLAND: I usually try to find a hint of a silver lining in the questions that come to me and Chuck, but I can't in this one... and there is so much in this question! First, I'd like to say that these long long long questions full of little details like which DVD he wanted, how he had to work late on a Friday, how he didn't want to go to the concert, and how he cried and looked into you eyes for an hour - while cathartic to you, they tend to hide the real issues at hand. I think sometimes people tend to try and study each little tree and have no idea that they are looking at a forest.

Well, upfront I'd like to say thanks for dropping us a line, and hopefully someone reading this will take our answer to heart and save themselves some serious drama.

You are being nothing more than your own worst enemy here. If your guy is giving you good sex - take it and run! You are NOT getting anything more from this fellow - aside from heartache and maybe an STD or a little HIV threat. All of this foolish bullcrap that he has been giving you is only validated by the fact that you are taking it to heart and acting like he is speaking true gospel to you. HE only likes you 56% of the time; HE and you like different music so he can't be with you; HE stills feels for his ex*; HE is so confused; HE'd rather play with his X-Box 360 than chill with you and HE cries endlessly in your arms because he is so torn... this is some World Class Bulls-it you've gotten into with this fellow and you guys are GROWN FOLKS! You're in your 30's and he's almost 40!!! As I read your question, I figured you all were 20 and 21 and still trying to figure the dating thing out!!!

Please wait a second while I go barf...

Okay, (yuck) I'm back. Please stop the BS with this guy. He has issues and he is pulling you neck deep into them. HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU, HE IS NEVER GOING TO VALUE YOU AS A WOMAN, HE IS NEVER GOING TO MARRY YOU... He just wants [for the most part] the sex you are giving him. I think you should take that as the most you are going to get from him - sans bullcrap.

Listen, this guy has issues. And you are buying into them. WHOLESALE buying into them too! You are letting him twist you up into a ball of confusion and mixed feelings. Please take that control from him and get your self together WOMAN! You are letting him make a fool of you. You like the "nookie" - let that be enough until you find a real man that doesn't bring so much BS to the table. But keep in mind - if you can't take the heat [form being with him] then walk away - stay out of the kitchen, lose this dude's... uh, dud's number and tell him to hit the bricks. You are just wasting your time.

*and another thing... for this guy to tell you that he is hung up on a girl that was 17 and living with him when he was 33!?!?!? Let me tell you and ANY other ladies reading this now - when a man pulls some shit like this... leave his loser ass alone. Now, let me say that again - when a grown man, past the age of 21, lives with a 17 year old GIRL - he has problems and he will bring those problems to YOUR LIFE. Leave his ass alone! For a man of 33 to be living with, sharing a life with, having sex with a 17 year old GIRL, he is a pedophile and he has serious social issues that cannot be helped or cured with the "love of a good woman" that so many women feel they have and can be used to cure ANY man's ills. When a GROWN man PREYS on a GIRL, he is telling the world, and listen good here ladies... he is telling the world "I cannot relate to a mature woman who is close to my age. I cannot create a reasonable relationship with a woman my own age and therefore I must use my age as a tool to impress and thereby draw-in young girls who believe womanhood is thrust upon them by my mere presence and age. A mature woman would see right through me if she was gifted with a reasonable amount of sense and self esteem."

Chuck, am I right, or am I right?

CHUCK: Garland, you are too, too right, my friend. Writer, this guy doesn't love you. He doesn't really even love this ex-girlfriend he obsesses over. She's a crutch for him, because he only loves himself. He wants to keep you around for commitment-free sex, and to listen to him whine, but can't be bothered to show you any consideration. And you hang in there because he pays lip service to being in a relationship, or he buys you a gift. But he's not going to change the fundamental neglect he shows you. So you have "outbursts" that don't help you, or make him think any better of you.


The thing is, he has, against his best interests, let you know just how little he cares for you. He only feels romantic towards you 56% of the time?! What kind of bullshit is that? Not 50%, not 55%, but 56% of the time. How nice that he could break it down for you that exactly. But when he tells you something like that, or he tells you that he wants just a platonic + sex relationship. and you hang around, he will assume that your self-esteem is just low enough that he can push you even further, be even more neglectful, and you'll go along.

Sidebar: You seem to think it was a big deal that this man was talking about marriage and children in the first three weeks. It's not that big a deal. This is called the Hook. People talk a lot in the early stages of relationships, feeling each other out. A guy will assume that he can get a lot further with a female if he shoots some vague, non-committal marriage and kid talk her way, just to make her think that he's not just a creep scamming for booty. Does he mean it? Maybe, maybe not. In this case, certainly, he was just blowing smoke.

What should you do? If you want to just be with him for the sex (which seems to be turning more and more into the jump-off variety), then stick with it. You're within your rights. But if the f-buddy route is not for you, if you want more than this guy has repeatedly shown and told you he can give you, then let your next outburst blow you straight out of his life.

Browsin' for Hookers

QUESTION: How can a guy be so thoughtful and considerate on one hand and then be making phone calls to call girls on the other?

I don't know if appointments are being set up. I doubt it because I know (or I think I know) how much money he's making. Yes, there are definite trust issues. He was caught emailing these call girls and said it was just the thought of what they will do that turns him on. He asked for pictures, which is a turn on for him, as well. He finds it naughty.

So, he was caught sending the emails. I told him I don't care how much porn he looks at, just no personal contact. So, now he's gone to calling them. How much longer before just talking to them won't be enough? We've been together off and on for almost 5 years. Definitely on for almost 2. He does and says very thoughtful things -- he takes very good care of me. We have a very active and great sex life. I just don't understand what drives him to call whores....obviously I'm not giving him something he thinks he needs. How can he tell me how much he loves me and then call these girls????

CHUCK: I feel the need to be blunt here. Although I am speaking as a man who has never "paid for it" (I'm not saying that to brag, I just fear disease and arrest), I can say some things about your boyfriend with a good deal of certainty.

- If he's of a mind to hire a prostitute, he can conceal the transaction. That money he was saving in his jewelry box to buy a new set of golf clubs? That's the hooker fund now. That innocuous-looking charge on his Visa? The girl he called to his room in Atlantic City. That check his parents gave him for his birthday? All gone to the girls selling it on Craigslist. We find a way to buy the things we want to buy.

- He's probably not just sending emails. WTH? Who just emails a hooker? What do you say? "Hey, Brandi. How ya doin'? Just dropped you a line to see if you were still doing half-and-halfs. How much were those again? Okay, well, TTFN. Say hi to your mom." Come on. There are too many guys trolling the internet looking to get busy for hookers to waste time on tourists and window-shoppers.

- Most importantly, his whore-browsing probably has nothing to do with you. Some people can be in safe, long-term, monogamous relationships, and still crave sex with a stranger. It may be for sexual reasons (something new with someone new), or it may be the excitement of the risk involved (i.e., getting caught, the aforementioned disease and arrest factors). You say you have a great, active sex life. That doesn't mean he won't be curious about someone else.

Does any of this make your man less "thoughtful and considerate?" Hmm, yep. You've voiced your objections, and ultimately, he's pursuing, or has pursued, a fetish that could put your lives together at risk. You should call him out on this, and demand nothing less than total honesty regarding his actions. Then decide if this is something you can continue to deal with.

GARLAND: You know, out of this whole letter you know the one thing that leaps out the loudest at me - the line that reads "obviously I'm not giving him something that he thinks he needs." Why in heaven's name are YOU making his problem YOUR FAULT?

Just bare with me for a second here - your Man is E-Mailing and calling and texting and who-knows-what-else'ing with women you claim are whores and YOU are trying to justify it by taking the blame. Please stop playing this made-for-TV-role and point the damn finger where it should be pointing - AT YOUR FREAKY SNEAKY BOYFRIEND

This is quite a question, I tell you. I think your situation is kinda' amazing. YOU are actually pretty understanding, all things considered. You are just curious about why he's curious. You are not calling him your "ex," you are not worried about catching an STD or HIV, you are not worrying about how much money he's spending, you're not mad that he's probably cheating on you, you don't care what kind of sex he's into with some of these women - you just want to know how he can say he loves you and then call prostitutes.

Here's your answer: EASY.

People only do what YOU let them do. If you don't throw his ass out of the window when you find him asking for pictures of sex-trade workers, then he knows it's okay to do so. When you dismiss your man's deep curiosity with the lifestyles and games of women who have sex for money, then obviously you really don't have a problem with it.

Now don't get what I just said confused with my opening comment. It is NOT your fault that he is curious about call girls, but that fact that you basically look the other way is doing nothing to make him want to stop.

Let me put it this way - out of all the married guys I know, 99% of them could not do ANY of what your boyfriend is doing and still walk around with a wedding band on - or walk around BREATHING AIR for that much! You are being REALLY patient with a man that is really being disrespectful to you. Lets be real, he's telling you some innocent sounding BS. If he's going as far as E-Mailing and calling these women, believe me - he's NOT interested in their favorite color or who they voted for or what college basketball team they follow.

Your man doesn't sound truly ready for a committed relationship. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it does waste your time if you want a monogomous relationship. If you let him do it and you stay in the 'relationship' with him, then nothing is going to make him stop. He's showing you what he's about, nothing more / nothing less. He's got a thing for prostitutes and I'm sure he's already acted on it. I'm honestly curious as to how you would feel if the women he was talking to were'nt "working girls" - I mean, what if these were women he worked with, or carpooled with or just knew from the neighborhood? Would you be angry? There's really no difference... at least not from a fidelity standpoint, cheating is cheating. But uh, your man is doing exactly what he wants to and as long as you pretend it's an innocent vice he will continue. Your thoughts and concerns mean nothing to him.

WEAR CONDOMS! The life you save will be your own.