QUESTION: My man is dirty! Not his mouth or his mind, but his crib! I've been trying to ignore it for as long as we've been going out, but its just plain nasty in his apartment. He doesn't mop his floors or vaccum. He's got clothes laying all over the place, old newspapers and sports magazines piled up and laying around. He doesn't clean his toilet or his shower. It is just nasty. All he does his wash his clothes and his body, but I can't stand it anymore. I refuse to visit too long and staying overnight is completely out of the question. What is he thinking? Do I try to change him or what? If things don't change, I'm leaving, straight up, this mess of his is just too much for me!
GARLAND: Gee, I feel you on this one. I think I would have rolled out a long time ago!
Your man probably has one of several issues: either he's a boy that refuses to grow up and live like adults, among adults; or he has some kind of psycological disorder that makes him tend to be messy; or he's just a trifflin' bum!
I suggest you talk to him about his place, but do it gently because he might freak out and bury you under a pile of newspapers from back in the Clinton administration days. The paper mites alone will eat you down to the bones in a matter of weeks.
Feel him out and see if he thinks anything should be different with regards to the neatness of his home. If he doesn't he may have a disorder that you might wnat to recommend he get help with. But, if he acts like you're being mean or unfair to him - then just back off. Unless this guy seems willing to pick up a little, then you need to really look in the mirror and ask yourself just how much you are willing to put up with in a relationship. If you can't handle his messy ways in his home, it may be a good bet that he'll give less than a damn about your place if you two ever get together long term.
CHUCK: The way I see it, there are two options here. Maybe your boyfriend is one of these guys who is waiting for his momma to show up and clean his pigsty. A great possibility. Or something more insidious may be at work here. He may be using the filth in his apartment to keep you at bay, so your relationship does not progress past a certain level.
Hear me out. You say that, due to the cruddy conditions he lives under, you don't visit long, and "staying overnight is completely out of the question." There's a certain kind of man that likes to maintain that kind of distance in a relationship. You come over, you two find a relatively clean place to hook up, and then you're out, before you can catch Hepatitis B. And as long as he continues to decorate like Fred Sanford, your relationship probably won't progress much further. You should be able to tell if that's what's going on. Think about it.
Beyond that, talk to this guy. Don't tell him that he's a grown-ass man, and not a Peanuts character (y'know, Pigpen?). Instead, tell him that you don't feel comfortable in his apartment as long as it's in such disarray. He should be able to handle that. I mean, he KNOWS that he's a slob, more than likely. If he has any interest in keeping things going with you, he'll clean his act, and his landfill, up.
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