QUESTION: What's up fellas? The ladies in my office love your blog and always want to see if I agree with yall. Usually I do. I swear that I never thought I'd be dropping yall a line, especially since I'm a guy and I tend to know what men are thinking, but I'm a little testy today and I need an amen from the brothers.
It started a few weeks ago when I was hooked up on a blind date with this young lady that was a friend of a friend of a friend. We went out to lunch and a nice time. A few nights later we had dinner and what I thought was a good conversation. I called her several times over the next week or so and noticed that my calls were not being returned. Okay - so I figured, maybe she's not feeling me so I backed off. My friend wasn't happy about the lack of return calls because initial reviews all around seemed good.
Come to find out, Miss Lady was giving me the brush off because she's completely hung up on this scrub that treats her like a doormat. He's 36, still lives with mama, no steady job, dogs her out emotionally, ignores her except for when he needs a little booty, tells her he's seeing other women and yet she still thinks because she's allowed herself to be his doormat for 6 years, he's going to become this great and loving boyfriend/husband because of her sheer determination and willingness to put up with his crap. It's like she thinks she's showing him her level of love by allowing him to piss on her!
Me? I'm a pretty good guy. I'm easy on the eyes, own my own home, I have a really good job, nice car, education and even a scruffy little dog. All of the things she claims to want, only she wants them from someone who wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire! Frankly,I just want to go Chief Jay Strongbow on the guy so he'll stop dogging her. I don't want her anymore for myself because I think she's got some serious mental and emotional damage and baggage. But, my question to you guys is two-fold. Do you agree that many times, women are their own worst enemies when it comes to looking for love and a good relationship? And, am I right [I know I am] for not wanting to bother with this young lady anymore?
By the way, the blog is tight, guys.
Chuck: A question from a guy? Why not? Thanks for the question, man.
We've answered a couple of questions like yours, and sometimes I really think that we should change the blog's title to WHAT ARE MEN THINKING ABOUT THE DEADBEAT BUMS WOMEN CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF. Let's look into it, Garland.
Why are some women their own worst enemies when it comes to relationships? I'd hate to repeat those cliches about some womens' lack of self-esteem preventing them from believing that they might actually deserve a gainfully employed man that is devoted and committed to them. But in all cliches is a grain of truth. I think some women want to feel as though their love is strong enough to change a lump of coal into a diamond. But unless they have better stats on this than I do, the odds of this happening aren't too good.
That's why I think you did a good thing to ease yourself out of that picture. Someday she'll realize what she may have missed out on. Or, you know, maybe she won't. Either way, good men need to start trying to get recognized for their own merits. Maybe form a lobbying group or hire a PR firm. We CAN'T keep losing out to deadbeat dads, drug addicts and registered sex offenders! Stand up, you men who pay your bills and never burned anybody with an STD! Be counted! Let the movement start HERE!
GARLAND: Hey man, thanks for the question/comment and compliment!
Honestly? Yes, I have personally seen quite a few instances where women have been their own worst enemies. Keep in mind - Not EVERY woman does this! But, it's not that rare of a thing either. I wish I knew why. To me, a lot of time, some women look at having a bum for a boyfriend like buying a cheap stock. If you hold on to it, and hold on to it, and hold on to it - one day, it might go up in value and then you were smart to be patient. Same with these bum-assed boyfriends. They just keep figuring that one day, One Day, ONE DAY he'll be that Knight in shining armor that she always knew he would be. Sadly, 9 times out of 10, the BUM he is today, will be the same BUM he is tomorrow.
Bums are rarely born in my opinion, they are grown - like plants. Watered, fed, and shined upon by the sunlight of tolerance and low self esteem by women like the one you are writing about. I'm a firm believer in the fact that a guy will typically only treat a woman [long term] in a manner that she is willing to accept. NOW - I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ASSHOLES THAT BEAT THEIR WOMEN, BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER WANT IT TO SEEM LIKE I THINK THESE WOMEN ARE ASKING FOR THEIR ABUSE. THEY ARE NOT!!! But, I am talking about women that allow their men to be bums and scrubs, and refuse to leave.
I don't think this young lady really wants to be happy. She doesn't want a good guy, she doesn't want a guy that might treat her right. She wants to be a Love Martyr. She just wants to be a victim. I don't know why some women [and some men too] just figure that LOVE has to hurt and one HAS to suffer in order to have a loving relationship.
I think you made the smartest move by walking away early AND quickly.
6 comments:
Count your blessings....
It's encouraged: degenracy in these men and enabloing in the women. Think how many times black women have been accused of not being supportive enough.
"Good" men (having a home, job, or degree doesn't equal good -- serial killers and rapists can have all these things) should encourage each other and young boys to do better.
To ANONYMOUS,
Thanks for the comment, but I'm not sure I really understand what you're saying.
I think you're saying, that on the one hand:
Black women are sometimes accused of not being supportive of their men;
and also, having a house and job, etc. doesn't automatically make a man - GOOD.
First - I agree that Sista's are sometimes accused of not standing by their men. I usually think this claim is a bunch of horse-crap, at least from my personal perspective. Sista's are overwhelmingly strong and loyal to their men in my opinion, so this claim would never come from my lips - it would be an insult to my wife, mother and grandmothers.
But, I do believe that SOME women are TOO supportive sometimes. When a man disrespects you, cheats on you, shows NO ambition, and refuses to make FORWARD progress over a long period of time??? Then yes, it is time to put the value ON YOURSELF and NOT THAT BUM! If folks want to be harsh on a woman that tried to stand with her man, but he proved to be unworthy - then they should KISS HER BUTT!
And as far as having a home and job and degree and all... NO, THEY DO NOT GUARANTEE THAT A MAN IS GOOD, but more times than not, they do reflect at least a modicum of ambition, maturity and financial capability... the things that fair well in an adult relationship! Sure, a guy could be a serial killer or rapist, that's a whole other issue - but a MAN should have SOMETHING to stand on in life - and I don't mean being 30+ years old, having no job, living in Mama's basement, borrowing Grandma's car, getting his spending cash from Grandpa and not having a diploma or GED to his name. THOSE GUYS ARE SCRUBS!
-Garland
ANONYMOUS...
I wasn't trying to be smug. When I read your comment the first time or two, I think I was missing something.
But after I wrote my reply, and read it [your comment] over a couple of times, I see why it didn't make sense to me at first - so, I've got it now!
-G
Here's my two cents, a six year relationship, unstable, filled with abuse and neglect, only can mean that the relationship is based on sex and sex alone (possibly great sex). However it is meaningless. A word to the wise let that one go. But always remember, there are a lot of fish in the sea and the best one has not been caught, yet!
Hi. I'm a white man, if that matters. I'm a responsible guy, employed, nice to women, etc and generally a good guy like the guy who asked the question about this women he had the blind date with.
I don't know if the woman you are talking about is a white woman, or not, but I see that baloney ALL TO OFTEN with white women.
I mean like sickeningly often.
My advice, forget you ever met this woman because you can't change her any more than she can change him.
She's a write-off.
Go find a woman who likes good guys like us. They exist. Don't waste your time on a fool.
Charley
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