A Near-Miss

QUESTION: Over the past 2 years, I became very close friends with a male co-worker. We are both married with one child each, and both have serious marital issues but stay with our spouses for the sake of our children. Even still, I never once thought we had any thing more than friendship.

Recently, he got another job. After getting drunk at happy hour, he told me he's wanted to have sex with me for almost a year and could see himself leaving his wife for me. I was shocked but also immediately and completely turned on although didn't tell him or let anything happen that night.

As if on cue, 4 days later I discovered my husband was being unfaithful. Within 2 weeks my friend and I were having hot phone sex over text msgs. He also told me that I was beautiful, intelligent and funny, this is the most fun he's ever had with a woman, he hated how long the weekends seemed without me, wished we met earlier in life, and half-jokingly talked about how long we needed to wait until the kids graduated. Given our long friendship and great cyber sex, it seemed obvious to me that we would be awesome together and I fell for him intensely. Eventually he said he didn't want to just talk about anymore - he wanted to do it but we couldn't, and I agreed but mostly because I didn't want to scare him away.

The day after I cautiously agreed to meet him for drinks, I awoke to a text "I was up half the night thinking about you...can't meet...could easily get complicated...the kids could get hurt." I wasn't mad at all (other than being told over text) and tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I probably wasn't attracted to him, but had just gotten caught up in the idea of meaning something to someone again.

My husband and I are now on the brink of a divorce (he's always refused to see a counselor). My friend continued text me about day-to-day stuff and seemed strangely cold and distant but could 'definitely' meet me for lunch to cheer me up. He started acting like himself again and brought it up every day for a week - you better be there, "have faith" that he wouldn't bail on me again. I told him not to cancel over text again but 30 mins before we were supposed to be at the restaurant, he did it again "I wish I could be mature about this, but...I cannot meet and I cannot be your friend. I'm really sorry." It caught me so off-guard that I didn't reply and deleted all of his info to make sure I couldn't contact him in a weak moment.

We've had no contact since but I have so many unanswered questions that I'm having a hard time moving on. I am also so confused by his mixed messages that I'm doubting everything he's ever said to me, including our entire friendship. Would you please help me make sense of this so hopefully I can put this behind me?

Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.

If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?

Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?

Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?

Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?

Thank you for your time and help!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I hope we can shed a little perspective on what's up with you and your buddy-boy.

Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.

I'm not sure you were 'played' per se, and I also don't think a "friendship" was what you had either. I think you both just needed an outlet, or just someone to pay you some special attention. You needed someone to put you on a pedestal and it sounds like he did too. Men, just like women - still want to feel like they've got some sex appeal, especially if their wives aren't making them feel that way at home. He probably needed you to provide that ego boost to him. The flirting and texting and "I gotta' have you in my arms, baby..." sweet talk going out to you and coming back to him, was probably getting his head back on track. The more he got that satisfaction from you, the more he probably felt that he was in an 80/20 situation. You were giving him the 20% and the wife and baby's Mom was still probably giving him the 80%.

To say you two were friends, well - it's probably a bit overstated. Calling him a "friend" is probably an insult to the folks who are your tried and true friends. Don't make it more than it was, you two were just tryin' to hook up. It's quite okay to call it what it was.

If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?

I don't think he was being honest about his feelings, but I don't think he was trying to be deceptive either. I think he was just caught up in the danger and thrill he saw in possibly sleeping with you. Like I said above, he probably just needed a little something extra in the passion department and you were providing it to him. He probably just got carried away with the sweet talk and got hot and heavy with you and started talking marriage. He liked the feel of holding a loaded gun in his hand, but he was terrified of pulling the trigger. There is no way for ME to be 100% sure, but I have a feeling he was just saying what he thought would turn you on the most.

Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?

You are asking this from the perspective of someone who truly thought that you were planning a relationship with a new lover. He just wasn't ever this person. Some folks just like the hunt, others like the kill, some like both - but your guy was definitely up for the hunt alone. He was probably never going to sleep with you, leave his wife for you or marry you.

Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?

He told YOU that he told his wife. He didn't. Unless he is a Damn Fool of the Highest Order, he didn't. If he did - you are far better off without him.

Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?

I can't really answer that question. There are far to many variables that have to be factored in and I know next to nothing about the situation.

I can tell you this though, based on the problems you claim to be having in your marriage, you are far better off solving and addressing them without the distractions of a new lover on the side. And, in the future, don't send and receive text messages to and from your loverboy. Even if they are deleted, they can be retrieved by a talented divorce lawyer and his staff - I'm quite sure an angry husband would love to have a transcript of your "sex-me-up" talk, to show to the judge in your custody case for the kids.

CHUCK: Okay, first things first: I was tempted to title this post TEXTING - Refuge of the Coward. Far too often these days, men and women think that they can evade some uncomfortable situation by texting someone some BS kiss-off. "Kant CU NEmor. Itz not U Itz me. Gudbie :+(" WTF? People, stop doing this. If you have the slightest bit of respect for the person you're dissing, at least give them the dignity of being dissed to their face. Come on.

As for your situation, I'm not going to say that you got off light. Because it's obvious that you didn't. While it would have been a bit worse for you had you slept with this man, and he broke it off with you in the same callous manner, it's obvious that you had developed feelings for him, and he took advantage of that. Your feelings got hurt, and that's not getting off light.

Do I think it's wrong to stay in a bad marriage just for the children? I'm conflicted about that. While I think that it is admirable for people to try to tough things out for their kids, I also believe that it can be unfair to the parents and the kids. The parents are probably denying themselves a truly fulfilling relationship with another person while hanging on, looking at the calendar until the youngest child turns 18, or whatever. But they are also possibly denying their children the example of what a truly loving relationship can be, instead offering them some strained substitute. And you might not think a child would pick up on it, but children are often more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I think it's possible that, as Garland says, he was using you for an ego boost, and decided to cut things off before he got in too deep. But the odds are just as great he really wanted to start an affair with you, and just chickened out. He may have reaffirmed his desire to stay in his (unhappy) marriage, or he may just have gotten scared that his wife would catch him, and turn him into ground meat in divorce court. And please don't tell me you really believed that he told his wife he wanted to sleep with you. I don't think he's that stupid, or you're that naive.

I know that this "friend" put a lot of ideas in your head, but even if he was genuine at the time, he's decided to let you get away. If you're leaving your cheating husband behind, I wonder why you'd want to start a new relationship with a man who would cheat, anyway. Focus on your future, and leave the false friend in your past.