What could it be? Is it him or is it me?

QUESTION: Hello guys,

I need some advice on a very sensitive topic.
I am going out with an older guy, and have no complaints about most things. We connect on every level, share like interests, have deep long conversations. He supports me in every project or endeavour I am in and is constantly spoiling me with little surprises and gifts.

We have the makings of a great relationship with one exception.
The bedroom.

Sex is hit or miss....he loses his erection quickly, 7 - 10 minutes into sex. I cannot bring him to orgasm often.....only twice or three times in six months. This has me worried. I have asked him if it is something I am doing and he assures me it isn't.
When he does have an erection it is painful for me, which doesn't help things much. Gentle going makes him lose the erection.

I have no experience in these matters with older men (there is a twelve yr difference). I do not know what to expect, and I do not know how to bring up the topic as I sense that it makes him insecure sometimes. And I don't want to approach the issue the wrong way and add to it.

I have considered that we could be just learning each other...but I am the kind to tackle the issue rather than let it drag on unresolved and lead to resentment....

Advice guys??????

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It's a very good one.

I see how sex and stamina could be sensitive subjects. Especially when there's an age difference involved - heck, even when an age difference is NOT involved! There are a number of issues that could be in play here - there could be some health issues he may not know about; he could be on a medication for something unrelated to sexual function and the side effect could be screwing up his blood pressure; or he could be deeply stressed about the age thing and could be really worried about pleasing you and that could be causing the E.D. problems.

A lot of guys measure their manhood DIRECTLY with their sexual prowess. All a guy needs is one or two bad performances in a row and suddenly that next encounter looks incredibly daunting. And THAT kind of stress is going to undoubtedly impact his performance again - then a slump insues and then his confidence drops and then he starts dreading the next failure and sex becomes less and less frequent. We can be weird like that. On top of everything - those first few failures could have been because of something like being tired; or being preoccupied with work or bills; or being sick - something that really had nothing to do with his TRUE sexual stamina.

Okay, what should you do? Talk to him.

Find a time other than bedtime and just tell him you care about him and you want to talk about your intimacy. You WILL have to do some ego-stroking so he won't get defensive and bail on the whole conversation. But let him know that YOU know that stress can bother a man's performance and maybe point out a few things that you know that could be preoccupying him. That kinda' gives him a way out... that way he won't feel old or out of shape [or anything else terrible].

The end result of your talk should be encouraging him to talk to his doctor. If you can steer the conversation in such a way that HE thinks the idea of talking to his doctor was HIS idea - then all the better! Assuming that his E.D. is not in his head - men have a bunch of medical choices to help fix that problem. All a man has to do is go against his "closed-mouth nature" and talk to his doctor. I'm pretty sure if there are no big medical issues - his doctor can give him a prescription and you all could take your intimacy to a new level!

Good luck and best wishes!!!!

CHUCK: Absolutely talk to him. This could be something as simple as "learning each other," but it's probably something more. Unfortunately, as men age, the body is no longer as cooperative as the mind would like it to be. If he has any health concerns, like high blood pressure or diabetes, the medication he's taking may be effecting his sexual performance.

As Garland said, approach him gently, as some men are very sensitive about issues concerning sexual performance. In fact, I think you should first ask him if he has any issues with you. Then you can air your concerns with him. All in the interest of making your sex life together better.

What happens in these circumstances sometimes is when an incident of ED takes place, a man may dwell on it, and bring about another incident the next time. It's human nature. We never dwell on the great, fulfilling sexual experiences we have so much as the times when the sex just didn't work out. So we need to find a way to get past the bad stuff.

If you find that there is a health issue, or even an age issue with your boyfriend, see what his attitude is toward getting some medical assistance with the issue. There is nothing to be ashamed about, and there are plenty of options available: Viagra, Cialis, etc. I'm not suggesting that this may be something that he would need forever. But maybe just until those bad incidents are in the past, and you have learned each other sufficiently. Thanks for the question.