If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does anybody hear you lying?

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Though I've dated - and even had a couple of relationships - in the 3 1/2 years since my beloved husband died, I haven't liked anyone nearly as much as I do this new guy I met online. He's brilliant, funny, brash - very different than anyone I've ever dated, though he comes with some baggage (and kids, which I can deal with). We met online, are both 40-something, and have been seeing each other for a little over a month.

Why I'm confused: he came on super strong in the first two weeks - lots of texts and phone calls, two dozen roses - and there was even a night (3rd date?) where I got a little freaked because he was saying he thought he more than liked me, wished he'd met me years ago, etc., etc. Though flattered, I felt this was too much too soon so I told him he didn't know me well enough to feel that way yet. (Let me mention that this has also happened with the last two guys I've dated - they became overly infatuated very early on, professed love way too soon, and then bailed, one after a year, the other after three months.) This led to a good discussion with the new guy, though, on our views on romantic relationships. He's said since the beginning that he only dates one woman at a time and he took down his online profile immediately (though I did not agree to do the same for a couple of weeks). As far as the physical side of things, we've been fooling around since the second date, and have had sex several times (off the charts!) since the third date.

Then two things happened: he told me about something not-so-great in his past, and he had a sudden illness in the family. At first, I was totally cool with his admission and told him the past was the past. But then he canceled three dates in a row due to the family crisis, and given his admission, and the fact that I'd never even seen his house yet, I felt suspicious of the sudden caginess and like he was blowing me off. In the end, I probably didn't handle this well, as a lot of the back and forth was done through texting, and I confessed to doing a little Google research on him. I could also have been more patient while he sorted out his family stuff, but it went from lots of communication to almost none at all for a week and a half, and I had no idea what was going on.

When we did finally meet again, things were different. Although we did get together 2 x last week - he even made me an amazing dinner - and we've had great sex/sleepovers, he's backed off emotionally in a big way. Our daily contact is greatly reduced, there's no sense of urgency to see me, and the sweet-talk and nicknames and "xo" texts from him have completely ceased. When he does say nice stuff now, it's do with my sexiness ('best sex ever" "you're so gd sexy" "good morning sexy" instead of the "beautifuls," "I-like-you's," and "kisses" of before). But then I get mixed signals, like him leaving his shirt at my house intentionally, or his making me breakfast. Weirdest of all was his saying "Are you sure?" when I told him I really liked him, before saying he liked me too. (Which to me felt more like a deflection than a genuine need for reassurance.) I guess my questions are these: have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want? Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer? Am I overanalyzing it? Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you very, very much for this question. I want to say first that I’m sorry about your husband’s passing. With regards to my answer, it’s going to be the answer that I have wanted many women to hear since we’ve had this blog!

I’m going to answer your questions one by one and then I’m gonna’ vamp a little at the end.

ONE: “Have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want?

ANSWER: Unfortunately, I have to say “Yes, I think so.”

QUESTION: “Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer?”

ANSWER: I’m big on talking things out, but I’m not feeling it for this guy. I suspect that you’ll get a steaming load of crap from him. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

QUESTION: “Am I overanalyzing it?”

ANSWER: Hell no! If you were counting the number of times he says your name in his texts, or if you were counting the number of times he smiles at you when you talk, or if you were trying to figure out which days he scrambles eggs best – then I’d say, yeah, you’re over analyzing, but taking a serious look at the progression of your relationship and his actions is quite reasonable. I think you are doing okay.

QUESTION: “ Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?”

ANSWER: Now keep in mind that what I’m giving you is my opinion. I’m only hearing your perspective, and I certainly don’t know you or this guy that you are talking about, but what I’ll say is this: I think a lot of guys grow more juvenile and insecure as they grow older. I think a lot of guys feel like they’ve missed something in their younger days and they become less and less capable of being in what most people would call "a committed relationship." I think some guys drift around women not wanting to be too serious, not wanting to feel too tied down and not being in a position where they might miss out on the next attractive woman that might be willing to take off her clothes for them.

That’s what worried me when you said that on the third date he started talking about these "deep feelings" he has for you. I wish more women perked their ears up when guys did this and said to themselves, “BS ALERT! BS ALERT! BS ALERT!” Now, I’m not saying that some guys don’t catch legitimate feelings early on, but I think most of these guys have to go through a period of denial and attempts to rationalize what they are feeling. The number of guys that are truly serious about catching feelings by the third of fourth date and actually tell the women is probably very low. [That’s just my opinion!] I think when a lot of guys start telling women that they ‘care about them’ and ‘love them’ and say things like, ‘the Lord sent me here to find you,” very early in a relationship, they are trying to blind you with bull***t. Sorry, I think that is just the truth more often than not.

A lot, a WHOLE LOT of guys think [and know] that a fair number of single women, looking for dates online, or in clubs, or in certain social circles will fall for that kind of over-the-top comment. Check this out: “Honey, let me tell you. I love being single. All of my boys are married and doing the family thing and I’m just chillin’ doing my thing. But then I meet you and I’m like WOW, where did she come from? She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s crazy, sexy, cool – you know. I just don’t know what I’m gonna’ do. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never felt this way before. I… I… I think I’m falling in love with you.” Now, I just came up with that off the top of my head, and I bet that if I polished it up, and delivered it across a dinner table in just the right light on the third date to 20 women that are legitimately trying to meet a nice guy, I bet that more than a couple would buy it. My point is – some guys will do their best to bull***t their way into your bedroom or your bank account! They aren't worried about your heart. I’ve seen it many times in women that I’ve known over the years. I’d love to give you some examples, but I’m afraid that some folks I know would have their feelings hurt if they saw it on this blog and I’m just not going to do that.

Also, let me just hit two other points on why you feel “fascinating and sexy, but not loveable,” TEXTING and HIS PLACE. Don’t be so quick to accept luv from your cellphone just because it’s there. Texting is so cold and impersonal and yet millions of people value it so much. They think they are loved because someone took 28 seconds to send them a three sentence text message. MAKE A MAN call you! Make him take a few minutes away from his day to step aside and share his voice with you and listen to your voice. Demand MORE! Don’t accept LESS! And, if a man has honest intentions with you, then he will let you see his home within the first few dates. To me, as a MAN who was single at a prior point in his life, this was a gesture of honesty and trust. A man that opens his home and lets you in is showing you, (1.) He’s single and doesn’t have a wife. [Look around carefully though, she might be out of town!] (2.) He’s not a bum that still lives with his Mama. [Look around carefully though, she too might be out of town!] (3.) He lives a certain way, neat, sloppy, artful, dirty, whatever. (4.) He can sustain himself - He can furnish a place, he has food in his refridgerator, his toilet is clean, he has soap in his bathroom, there isn't a big hole in his living room floor! He is a reasonable person! But don’t allow him in and out of your home and your bed if you’ve never darkened his doorstep. You are setting yourself up to get caught in bed with a married man!

Lastly, don’t believe for a second that you are “fascinating and sexy, but NOT loveable,” Don’t allow a handful of unworthy men that are not in your league to make you devalue the woman in the mirror. She is fascinating, and sexy AND LOVEABLE. Scrutinize the men you meet, don’t fear over analyzing, keep your eyes and ears open for BS, and don’t settle for less than you deserve and you’ll find the guy and the relationship that you’re looking for. Take care!