The Mantle of Perfection

QUESTION: Dear C and G,


This is the first time I have ever asked for advice via the internet. That being said I found your site, and after reading some Q and A's I got up the intestinal fortitude to ask seek some insight for myself.

John and I were both stationed together in the military, he as an officer and I as an enlisted rank. I had a huge crush on him the first moment I saw him! About two years down the road our unit is abroad and we are all out on liberty. John and I happen to walk into the same bar and he spots me before I see him and sends a beer over to me. Later that evening we are both at the bar and he tells me, "I hope I don't offend you but you are very hot". I express that I found him very attractive as well. Now it starts... for several months later we kept almost "colliding", so to speak with one another. Friends on each side always seemed to separate us at the end of the night. Finally another country later we were able to be alone together. It was an extreme night of passion that I have never forgotten! He expressed that he thought I was beautiful and how he wished that one of us was out of the military (in regards to the fraternization issue). Shortly after this night I volunteer to go to Iraq.

Ever since that night I have never been able to care about another man in that same way. Seven years down the road I see him on facebook... However, I leave it alone because I had a feeling that he had moved on and was most likely married. A little over a year of me having a fb account, I receive a message from him one day! He says that he saw me on someone's list and just thought he would say hi and immediately asks me where I am at. I was so shocked and excited that he had contacted me, then reality starts to creep up on me. We exchange more messages where he compliments me on my photos and is quite persistent on finding out where I am. I was very coy and vague as to my whereabouts. Then I send him a friend request and see that he is married with very small children. Ya see the five messages prior to me sending this request he told me pretty much everything about his life except that. Now my conscience is no longer comfortable with talking with him, I felt guilty and disrespectful to his wife and children. I messaged him one last message to explain my feelings that I had been harboring for him all this time, and how I needed to quite communicating with him as I now knew that he was very obligated. I unfriended him and thought that would be the end of it. Not so, he sends me a message telling me that he completely understood where I was coming from and how the last thing he wanted was to make me feel awkward or uncomfortable. He said he understood what I was describing because it was very similar to what he was feeling as well. He said "I know that on some level, I myself always kind of wondered if we might run across each other again in person - actually I found myself thinking about it quite a bit...". In attempt to paraphrase the ending, he says that he appreciates his family and wouldn't want to jeopardize them in any way but found himself worried that if he were ever around me again in person he might not have the willpower to fight wanting to be with me.

I presume it is quite obvious to you how conflicted and stuck I am over this man. I felt empowered sending him my farewell/pour my guts out message, then he went and sent that! Ever since his reply I have been quite a failure at letting him go. My heart aches for this man and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him! It has become quite intrusive in my life and every night laying in my bed thinking about him gets me dangerously close to sending him another message. So far my moral convictions have been the only thing keeping me from that... I guess my questions for you two gentlemen are... Could this man actually reciprocate my feelings or could he be seeking an affair disguised as eloquent sincere correspondence? Why would he contact me after nine years?

Sincerely,
Jane Doe

GARLAND: Hey Jane-

Sounds like you’re in a tough spot. I think the biggest part of this issue is the NINE YEARS that have passed. You’ve had NINE YEARS to polish and shape and place the memory of your night with him up on the Mantle of Perfection and Eternal Ecstasy. I assure you that the man you spent the night with nine years ago has changed in many ways, he has since moved through the military, met and fell in love with a woman he chose to marry and he has fathered children with her and he’s done 10,000 other things to make him a different man from who he was when you were together.

Could he reciprocate your feelings? Anything is possible, but I have to tell you that my gut tells me that you are borrowing drama by messing with this guy. I think that there is too much for him to lose to risk anything with you or any woman that is not his wife. I’m sure that you’ve changed too and he has placed that time with you up on his mantle as well, that might be why he Facebooked you in the first place.  With millions of people on Facebook, I think everyone browses for people from their past, old loves, old frieds, old enemies, people that owe them money, lots of people - this "John" fellow probably looked you up to simply say, "Hello."  He probably shouldn't have, but that was his choice - I wouldn't look too deeply into it.  I hope that everyone on Facebook doesn't want to have an intimate relationship with someone from their past that they shoot a message too - if I'm wrong, I'd better have a talk with my wife!

But, think about it for a moment, would you REALLY REALLY want to be with a man that goes to his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he vowed to love forever and says to her, “Uh, baby, this woman that I slept with nine years ago is on Facebook, and nine years ago she seemed pretty nice so I’m gonna’ file for divorce from you and I’m gonna’ see the kids twice a month and I’m gonna’ get a little apartment in another state and I’m gonna’ see if her and I can get that hot sexy night back. So, I’m outta’ here.” You really want to be with this guy? You want to trust a cold-blooded guy like that with your heart? Hmmm, if you do – be prepared for the day he comes to you with the story of the woman he slept with 12 years ago who’s on Twitter.

I hate to sound so cold, but I don’t do this blog to sell warm and fuzzy nonsense to ladies with questions. I understand that the night you had with this guy was special to you, that’s great. But if you are even remotely serious about your own well being, wish this guy well, tell him that he’ll always be a special memory to you and tell him not to contact you again – unfriend him and don’t look back. Trust me – HE CAN AND WILL NEVER LIVE UP TO THE IMAGE YOU HAVE WITH HIM IN YOUR MIND. Move on and let him and his family be happy and find your joy with another man. Good luck.

CHUCK:  We all have our romantic ideals. Those transcendent experiences that we look back on, and compare our current experiences to, often unfavorably.  But the past is the past, and we can't live the rest of our lives there. I mean, you're telling us that nine years have passed, and your experience with this officer has not be been equaled by anyone you've been with since. I would have to think that, at least partially, you won't let anyone else into your life sufficiently to compare to that experience.

As for the Facebook thing, if you're asking whether this guy could not reciprocate your feelings, but is just looking to get laid, despite the fact that he now has a wife and children, I think it's a likely possibility. You've blown this encounter up so much in your head that you're willing to  play a part in wrecking this man's home. Don't do it. As Garland says, if he's willing to throw his marriage and kids away for a Facebook contact, he'll do it to you, as well.

You've kept your time with this man in a sacred place, but I think it's way past time to stop living in the past and get with the future, Jane. You've seen that there is no future with Mr. Facebook, so I think you need to finally move on. Lingering over one guy like this isn't healthy, Especially when he has shown you that he is capable of moving on. Close the chapter, Jane, and stop torturing yourself.

The Short Con

QUESTION: I met a guy in California when I was visiting over a month ago from Germany. We hit it off at a club but didn't exchange any information. A few days later he contacted me through FB and we set up a date. I was very straight forward about exactly what I wanted which was just a night of a lot of fun, then, done. I live in another country anyway. Well, the night and next morning turned out to be really wonderful, full of laughs he even offered to drive me an hour to visit friends in the city (i was initially just going to take the train). After we said our goodbyes he seemed a little sad. He started texting me about an hour later and into the night we were sending flirty texts. He told me that he really wanted to see me again before I left... I obliged. We ended up having 3 days together that were amazing and he even took me to the airport to go to Chicago. It was a sad goodbye again and he was texting me again right after. Ugh I'm making this story really long. Basically, for the three weeks I was in Chi-town before going back texts turned into 2 hour phone calls almost nightly and he asked if he could fly out to see me before I went back to Germany. I said I would love that. Before he came, he told me that he was falling in love with me and that we were meant to be together... that he wanted to marry me have babies, blah blah... A lot of it was flirty joking texts but there's only so much joking you can do before it's obviously serious.


So he came to Chicago to try to convince me to move back to California from Germany but basically said he was going to propose when he got there. I was very clear that the only way I would consider such a commitment would be if he gave me one just as big... if you know what I mean. The night he arrived we had an amazing time as expected... until I had a few too many and realized he had no intention of making that commitment to me and just expected me to leave my life for him and no assurance. I made a scene and the next morning he was upset... understandably. The rest of the weekend we still had a great time but there was a bit of a cloud over us, he was holding onto the scene that I made (red flags he called it) haha. I tried to explain myself but felt foolish. Sunday morning before we parted ways again, I had had enough of the guilting. I told him that he needs to take some responsibility in his part for making me believe that he had these intentions... After some resistance he conceded and apologized that he never meant to lead me on and that he came here with this plan.. bla bla. At that point I was upset and annoyed. So we said our goodbye's again, he gave me a very long drawn out hug in which my body was quite limp with despondence and I wished him a quick safe flight back without any sugary sweet tone. Turned around and walked away without looking back... 15 min later I get a text message "Why does this hurt so bad?" The next day I was leaving for my flight back to Berlin and he told me that he was an idiot for not having the balls to keep me there and that I was amazing... and again that he was in love with me. I called him after I landed and we had a sweet conversation, he said it wasn't over and that he was going to figure this thing out. For 2 days everything was fine and then suddenly nothing... It's now been a week and I've heard absolutely not a peep from him. I know he's going through some family stuff right now but this is painful for me too... to top that off, I might be pregnant... BOOM. Sorry for the super long message but I hope you can offer some good 'man' insight, no brothers or daddy for me to run to ;)


Thanks

GARLAND: Wow. Thanks for your question.

I was wondering if you were going to use the “P” word at the end of the question. After almost 200 questions, I think I’ve got a little sixth sense thing going on.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’m not optimistic about this fellow. He could very well be in love with you and just not know how to deal with that, but his actions don’t make me think this is the case. I’m afraid that he saw you as some kind of challenge. You basically had a big timer on your forehead to him and he saw the numbers ticking by and his ego said, “She’s gone in a few weeks, I wonder if I can get some luvin’ before the clock reaches zero?” Suddenly , he’s the best guy in the world, he’s driving all over the place, he’s texting left and right, he’s using the “L” word, he’s promising promises, he’s talking karats, he’s talking babies, he’s in overdrive, and suddenly he’s in bed and he’s crossed the finish line. I’m worried that the little bit of conversation he gave you after you got back to Berlin was cursory politeness. I’m doubtful that he’ll do much more in the way of attention – that is unless you are carrying his child. Hopefully then the two of you will have some legitimate conversations about your future. Best of luck to you.

CHUCK:  First of all, good luck to you if you are pregnant, although I hope that you aren't. What you have here is a textbook worst-case scenario for bringing a child into this world. Your experience of giving birth to (what I assume is) your first child, should not be tainted by the game-playing and dishonesty this man left you with.

I am not going to say that this guy didn't care about you. I just think he didn't care ENOUGH. He had a nice time with you, and wanted to extend it, so he devised a scheme to get into your head, and made assurances that he had no intention of keeping. He thought that once he got to Chicago, he would sweep you off your feet, keep you in the bedroom, and hope you forgot anything he said about marriage. A stupid con game, but all cons ain't masterminds. So when you realized he didn't mean any of it, he could hang his head, act contrite, and hope that you would still sleep with him, anyway.

As for what happened after: The drawn-out hug, the text at the airport, the phone calls later, call that part of your severance package. The fact is that some guys who do bad shit, don't like to be percieved as guys who do bad shit. So they can talk a good game, they leave you text messages about how they're "trying to work things out." And they can do that, because it doesn't cost them anything, emotionally. You're in Germany now, and I suspect that he doesn't have any intention of seeing you again. So he's cut off contact gradually.

I may be wrong, but judging from the behavior I've seen so far, you can strike this guy from your memories of the States. Take a pregnancy test. Take a couple. See a doctor. Keep us posted. I'm dying to tell you that you got off light.

Gone 'Til November

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland,

I met a man two months ago at a night club. We danced a couple of dances, he asked me if I wanted his phone number, I took it, gave him mine, and he called me that night. We spoke by phone and sent texts back and forth the next day, then on that Monday he met me for drinks and we ended up back at my place, and in the sack! As the week went on we spoke numerous times, saw each other numerous times as well. During this first week he told me that he is married and that his wife is serving time in prison for embezzlement. He told me that he married her against everything in him because he knew she was going to jail. I asked him if he still loved her and he told me that he had grown bitter and cold against her, and that he rarely goes to see her in prison. I hesitantly accepted this, and kept pursuing a relationship. In the mean time I met his children, and his birthday was the next week. I surprised him after work that day and I took him, his children, and my children out to celebrate his birthday. My kids fell in love with him! We have spent numerous hours together with our children and alone. So much so that his children tell me that they love me, and my children tell him that they love him.

My dilemma is with the wife. He told me just this weekend that he is torn. He has very strong feelings for me and my kids, and he doesn't want to hurt us or his kids. He told me that he fells like he is being unfair to his wife even though that situation is killing him. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn't know what he is going to do. He wants to be with me, but he isn't sure he is ready for his marriage to be over even though she won't be released from prison until this November. She has been in prison since last May. His kids despise her for what she has done to them and their dad, and he is torn because of this as well. He worries about his reputation being seen out with me and people knowing he is still married, and he doesn't want anything to get back to her until he is ready to make his decision.

This is killing me. I want to be with him, but in reality I know that I have to prepare myself for the day that he may tell me that it is over between us and he is going to work things out with her. I am not ready to do that, and during our conversation last night he told me that it would kill him to see me out places if we didn't make it and he was with her. I am getting mixed signals and I need a little guidance. What do you suggest?

Thank you!

GARLAND: I started planting mental red flags as I progressed through your question so I could help formulate my answer. I only brought four flags with me and I had to go back and get several more from my mental office to finish them as I moved on.

Let’s see… I like to stay in order, but I’m going to skip the dramatics and tell you that you should prepare for the day his wife comes back home. He’s staying with her and he’ll definitely call you up for creapers on Saturday nights once in a while, but he’s not staying with you.

I’m going to chat about the kids for a second… So, they despise their Mother for what she did to the family AND they love you after a handful of dates? First, I have to tell you that most children, especially younger ones will not DESPISE either parent for embezzlement jail time. Kids suddenly hating a parent after just a few months of jail and then loving a stranger in just a few weeks – it just doesn’t pass the sniff test to me. I don’t know whether he is lying to you and selling you a pipe dream or if you could be misunderstanding the environment you’ve found yourself in. I’m not going to say anything else about that because you didn’t ask us to critique your whole situation.

My thoughts on him – He’s going back to Wifey. He’ll swear the kids to secrecy and if you ever come up in conversation, he’ll do his level best to minimize the situation between the two of you. When he sells it Mama Madoff, you’ll be little more than “some woman” he ran into with the kids at a McDonalds and you all shared a couple of Quarter Pounders [or Royales with Cheese if you’re in England]. Why am I taking such a negative tone to what he’ll do? Because of the first red flag I planted – he slept with you BEFORE telling you that he was married. This is pretty low down and self serving on his part. He probably knew that the odds were against him climbing in the sack with you if you knew there was a wife in the picture. The fact that she was doing hard time in minimum security is a minor issue.

The Bottom Line: I’m sorry to say that he is finished with you and your kids. He needed some company while The Boss was in lockup and he wasn’t man enough to tell you that. He sold you some foolishness and now he’s going to slither away. (Please Read My Older Post called “Rattle of the Snake”)

My best to you. I’m sure there’s a great guy out there somewhere waiting for you.

CHUCK:  This guy is all about himself, and he has noplans to share his life with you. You're just collateral damage. Let's look at what took place here. You met this guy, slept with him rather quickly (let's face it), but afterward he tells you he is married. His wife is in jail, but you decide to continue seeing him, and introduce your kids to his kids! What do you think this is, the Brady Bunch?

The fact that he forgot to inform you that he was married until after you slept together ("I knew I forgot to tell you something! Guess what?"), speak to the idea that his wife is not the only one lacking in character here. He spins the story as hard as he can to make him look sympathetic, but let's face it, divorce papers are served in prison all the time. If he wanted a away out of his situations, there were well-lit exit signs all the way.

What I feel is going on is this guy got lonely, started something with you, but is preparing you slowly for the let down when his wife is released. I don't know if that was his original intention, because he involved his, and your kids in this, but carelessness or foolishness cannot be ruled out.

Face this fact: You cannot replace his children's mother. They may say they "love" you. They may mean it. They may be embarrassed of the fact that their mother is in jail. They may resent her for that. But she is still their mother. And, unless circumstances are a lot worse than you describe, they will eventually welcome her when she gets home.

My advice is to remove yourself from this man's soap opera, despite your feelings. For your own sake. If you find that he can decide to leave his wife for you, then that is another call for you to make. But as it stands now, there's no way this can work out for you, so leave it alone.

Boys will be boys... Don't hold it against them.

QUESTION: Hi I love your blog. I'am 16 years old and I know that in this period of time(teenage years) is difficult to handle emotions. My question is about a situation that i had 2 years ago. One of my best boy friends wrote in his notebook( I really don't know the reason) how beautiful I am, when I saw almost everything that he wrote he torn the paper. n a childish way I insisted him to tell me that if he liked me. This situation was very stupid really but since then my realationship with him has changed. I don't know how he feels, although he told me that he did't like me anymore(something that I think was for avoid more questions from me) and I don't want him to feel bad. What I should do, ignore that wierd event of ourlives or asking him later what he truly feels? I don't know so I need a guy opinion, How boys determine if you like a girl and if you stop liking her right away?


GARLAND: Hmmm. Wow. Thanks for your question.

Since this blog is called “What Are Men Thinking”, I’m going to have to go back in time a little bit and see if I can recall “What Are Teenaged Boys Thinking?”

If I recall correctly, I, like most of my peers, were fairly clueless when it came girls when we were around 15 or 16. Certainly we didn’t KNOW we were clueless, but in the grand scheme of things – we were. This fellow probably does think that you are a Cutie Pie, and he probably does like you. But I know that one of my big hang-ups as a teen was my lack of money before I got my first job at 16, so this guy may want to take you out and spend some time with you, but he may not have the financial means right now, so he’s backing off to avoid the embarrassment.

Another issue may be the lack of ‘Big Brother’ guidance. He may not have the self confidence to really chat with you and he may not have anyone to give him the advice and insight that he needs. At a time when everyone and everything is wired up with Twitter this and Facebook that, WTF this and LMAO that - straight up talking is becoming a dying art. I have a gut feeling that this fellow is just a little shy or even intimidated by you. You may be the “It Girl” in school and he may be struggling to be the backup, to the backup, to the backup clarinet player for the school band. Those ‘popular girls’ are always hard for average guys to approach in school.

My advice – don’t push him about his feelings for you. For heaven’s sake don’t corner him and MAKE him tell you if he likes you. Teenaged boys tend to be a bit stupid when it comes to girls, and teenaged girls tend to be way more sophisticated than teenaged boys. Most boys are either too insecure or too arrogant to understand and be able to explain their feelings about a girl. Just be friendly towards him if you like him. Don’t push him to try an define how he feels. Just be friends with him and let him get comfortable being himself around you and before you know it he’ll take his foot out of his mouth and give you the insight to his feelings that you want.

Good luck!

Waiting, waiting, and uh... MORE WAITING.

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Men and women relationship must be start with honest then only there is belief. When I started this relationship with this guy which is different races with me, I have already explained that if he is not honest to me, please do not flirt with me. But things never go smooth as expected.

This is my first love. I love him after he is committed himself to me and I was only 21, still a university student. However I have instinct that he is married guy after 1 year relationship. That is because he never want to let me to see his parents and not allow me to visit his room even he mentioned that he is staying alone in a rented room. To prove that, I am checking his hand phone secretly to get his house phone number, call his parent and act like a surveyor asking about his background. Things that I do not expect are happen – he is married but no children. He is married after a week we meet.


I wanted to leave him but he told me that if I am leaving him, he have no motto to live. The reason is he loving me but not her, he is marry a arrange match. He mentioned that he not loving her and will try to get me into place – divorce her and marry me. He asks me to give him time. I believe him and waiting for him as I fall into love with him too deep. Times goes by. I tried to convince myself that he will be back for me one day.


But unfortunately after 3 years relationship, things happen – I am pregnant and I just graduated. He tried to convince me to take away the baby but I insist to carry on. He got no comment but mentioned that he will be responsible.


I kept on asked him regarding his plan but seem like there is no progress or changes. One day, I have no choices but travel to meet his parents alone. His parent gets a shock and does not my existing with their beloved son. A big meeting carries out between his wife, his parents and me. His parents force him to choose to have me or his wife and if he choosing me, he have to leave the family. I am glad that he is choosing me that time but he does not want to leave the parents. After discussion, his parents accepted me. Even though, I have lied to my parents that I have already married to this guy without inform them about the problem. I am guilty about that.


However, I found out another truth that hidden among 5 years relationship. His marriage is not arrange marry but actually they are married after 4 years relationship – love marriage. His wife is pregnant after one year marriage but due to certain reason, doctor has to stop her pregnancy. His wife cannot pregnant anymore – in short they can’t get their own baby unless adopted. Again he promises me that he will divorce his wife and marry me. He mentioned that he does not love his wife. I have questioned him that if he does not love his wife, why he is marries her? He mentioned that he found he does not really love her after met me. And I questioned him again; why you make her pregnant/make love with her if you love me? He has no words but mentioned that his wife is come after him for intimacy not he want to. I so sad and down but my friend advise me that to carry on with him as I am having his baby and also he is choosing me not his wife in front of his parents. I carry on but I lost the belief to him. He is not honest. He mentioned to me that if he is honest he would not have chance to get me. Based on this I carry on my life and hopes that he will divorce his wife and back to me.


My baby born- is a girl. After that, I felt that I really can’t continue to live in guilty – a lie to my parents and holding a belief in a guy that not being honest to me. I felt I could rise up my daughter alone unfortunately I am pregnant again. Thought it may be a challenge from God that wants me to face, I continue my life with him. Again hoping what he is promise will come true.


Years go by. It’s been 9 years I am in relationship with this guy and waiting patiently all the while for the dream. He is staying with me most of the time but he used to give reason that he is outstation and stay away for few days. I always questioning him regarding his outstation but he asked me to believe him. I question him regarding his promise - divorce his wife and marry me. He used to ask me to give him time.


I have no patience now as it been 9 years and now I am already 30 years old with stable finance. Do you think I should continue waiting for him?


I hope you can help me as how you help the other.

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I certainly understand that you don’t really want to raise your child by yourself, but after ten years, this man is having has cake and eating it to. He is enjoying the companionship and love of two different women and neither woman is telling him that they are through with him. I assure you that he is telling his wife that he is outstation when he is away from her and living with you. I’m certain that all of the promises he is making to you he is making to her as well.


For him to string you along, to tell you lies and false promises for all of these years – he simply does not respect you. If he respected you or loved you he would be a better man and not worry about his parents or a wife that he ‘says’ he doesn’t love. He would have divorced her and came to you and started an honest life with you and his children. In my opinion, he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love her – if he did, he would play this emotional game with the two of you. He only loves himself. You are only hurting yourself by allowing him to continue to lie to you and come in and out of your home.

What is stressing My Man?!?!?!

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together married six years now and it seems as if we are growing apart every day. I have three kids (not biologically his) and my oldest and him have quit talking to each other. Well, he has quit talking to her. He stays angry all the time and takes his anger out on us. Most days, when he gets home he will go to our neighbor’s house and stay there until almost bedtime. We argue over the kids, money, how the house work is done and honestly, I think I have found my breaking point. I know that he has joined a premade family but after so many years, when will he get over that? Everyone says that he done something most men would not do. I get that, I really do but when will that crutch be lifted? I am so sick of the arguing and verbal abuse. Meanwhile, our sex life is not the best in the world. I ask, and he shuts me down. I cannot take much more of it. Just last night he got mad at me. I really don’t know why. I told my youngest to put her empty soda can on the sink and I will wash it out in a few minutes. He came into the kitchen and said you can’t leave those on the sink. I said I’m not and I will put them up in a few minutes. Well, he goes storming out of the kitchen and saying stuff under his breath. He leaves for a while. What was the point of him being upset over the soda cans. Was it because I didn’t move them when he told me to? I am bible bread so divorce is not an option for me (unless he was having an affair or physically abusive). I fight for what I believe in and I believe in marriage but when is enough, enough? I just don’t know what to do? All I really want to know is does he want out? I mean if he does, shouldn’t he just say hey, I’m done?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and I’m sorry it took so long to answer. Chuck and I have been bouncing around some things aside from this blog and I halfway thought we were going to just let it fade away. I guess we won’t though.

I don’t know if the “Ready Made Family” is the issue here. Assuming he’s a guy with at least an average intelligence, he should have known that he was moving into a serious situation and he was going to have to make some adjustments in his lifestyle, temperament and expectations. He’s not alone – you and your kids had to be prepared for changes as well. You used the term “when will he get over that…” I understand what you are saying, but I don’t want you to think of your newly joined family as something that has to be “gotten over” – I’m sure you and your kids are a blessing to your husband, whether he knows it or not. I encourage you to not think of you and your children as a burden or an obstacle. People have to get over; life changing illness; loss of a loved one; loss of a job; Republicans; but not a new family.

That being said, let me be candid here. I doubt that you and your children are the root issue here. We men are funny, by that I mean fickle – we hold stuff in, especially to our women. Deep deep down we don’t want our women to know that sometimes we are weak, sometimes we get scared, sometimes we are holding on by a thin thread, sometimes we are just plain HUMAN. Many times, we are just too arrogant and too stupid to turn to the ones who love us the most and just say, “Baby, I have a problem…’’ I’m speaking from personal experiences here because I’m a guy, I have my issues and while I’m pretty open with my wife, I don’t always share the things that are bothering me. I have things bothering me right this moment and I bet that if I sat down with my wife and put all my cards on the table, she’d hug me and tell me that – together we can make it all better. And, I know that she’d be right. Am I going to do that – No Way! Because I don’t want to look weak and flawed in front of her. Like I said, We men are funny like that.

It is in these times of not wanting to open up that we men lash out at the stupid little things. The soda can in the sink, the cereal that was left open on the kitchen counter, the light that was left on in the bathroom, the dirty cleats in the corner getting mud on the carpet. These are the things that give us the opportunity to lash out and vent our frustration at ourselves. Sometimes we are like simmering volcanoes, holding in pressure and pressure and more pressure until we erupt and impact everything around us. We don’t mean to do this, and sometimes the pressure of KNOWING we’re doing this adds to even more stress. It is no wonder that so many men suffer from medical issues – we compress so much into ourselves that we give ourselves ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes!

My advice is this. Take your husband away for a day trip or an over-night somewhere, just the two of you. Hold his hand and just talk about light hearted things, no bills, not the kids, not the fools at work (You KNOW you have some fools at work – we ALL do!) and just get close to him. Let him talk, make the time together about the two of you and your happiness together. He probably wants to talk to you about what may be bothering him and maybe you’ll help him to open up. Don’t try hard to force him though – if you do, he may tuck his head in like a turtle and you’ve lost. Just get him to loosen up. If he starts talking candidly, let him go, let him talk, don’t say anything – just nod if you have to. If you interrupt us, we may realize that we’re opening up and we might stop.

If you can’t get away like that, then do this – BE THE WOMAN HE MARRIED. By that I mean, the next time he lashes out at you or the kids for something that is clearly petty, try to step outside of the conflict and BE THAT WOMAN THAT HE LOVES AND TREASURES, and step to him and take his hands or embrace him and say his name and just ask him “What’s wrong Baby?” or “Hey, this isn’t you. Talk to me honey.” It is important that you step outside of the tension and get a neutral mindset and show him that you are an equal partner in his well being and let him know that the soda can in the sink, or whatever caused his current blow up is not the issue. Just give him the window to share what is really bothering his spirit. It might open up some needed windows in your relationship. He is going to have to do some heavy lifting as well, because he is going to have to give something too. He won’t tell all of his secrets, we never will, but he might give you access into part of what is causing his tension, and if that works once… well it might work down the road as well, and before you know it – those flare ups may become more and more rare. Best of luck to you.

CANT TALK NOW, GRLFRN CMING IN ROOMM

QUESTION: My boyfriend of a year has recently started texting other females. I do not know what the messages say or even what they talk about because recently do to extenuating circumstances, he has had to move back to Puerto Rico which is where he is from. So as of now we are in a long distance relationship. I am not sure if I should be worried or not, because I know they are just text messages, but I have asked him not to text other females because I think it is very disrespectful. He stopped for a little while but then started back, this time it was different girls. Does he not love me anymore? Does he not want a relationship anymore? Should I move on? We also have a child on the way, which is why I am so reluctant to believe that he wouldn't want a relationship anymore. And partly because when he was here, we really didn't have many problems. I just want to know exactly what I should do? Am i overreacting? Or is there something to worry about.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. So, Your Man is texting other women. I say ‘women’ because I hate the term ‘females’ even when a woman uses it. ‘Female’ sounds so odd to me, cows and chickens are ‘females.’ I think guys started calling women ‘females’ as a way to be politely disrespectful, almost like calling them “B’s” in their faces without actually using the word. But that’s my two cents, and I guess you didn’t ask me to critique your vocabulary.

In my opinion, your man ‘texting’ a bunch of other ladies is not really cool. Texting now is pretty much like talking on the phone, only slower and with a less inconvenience, but it’s a rather personal exchange. Now, I think men and women can have friends of the opposite sex, but they have to scale that number back when they get into a relationship. Every woman that is on your man’s Facebook Friend’s list isn’t a REAL friend, so he should have a small number of women that he should be texting. Frankly, I just don’t trust a whole lot of texting back and forth, especially if he knows that it bothers you. That tells you straight up that keeping his little secret conversations with these mysterious women is more important than you and any relationship with him.

The Writing, uh The Texting is on the wall here. You know What your Man is Thinking.

Good luck.

CHUCK: Texting has become a pretty socially acceptable way to do dirt these days, for the man or woman with cheating on their minds. Put it like this: You wouldn't tell your boyfriend if you called another guy on the phone 5 times in one day. But you might not think twice about telling him that you texted another guy a few times yesterday. Because, you know, texting is just innocent, right? Wrong.

The same kind of escalating flirtacious behavior that goes on on the phone can take place on text. And even better, since they can be accompanied by the odd risque photo. While I hate using out-of-date manufactured terms from a Fox News Investigation report, "sexting" is a real thing.

You say that you are currently in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend. This texting may be a completely innocent way for him to relieve the pressure of being away from you. However, you say that you have asked him to stop, and he hasn't complied, just found a new bunch of women to send to. You're right. That's pretty disrespectful.

Is this your first child that you and he are having together? Because he may be feeling nervous or overwhelmed with the idea of having a child, and is thus tentatively pursuing more trivial relationships with women. That, of course, would not excuse him, but it would make him easier to understand.

What I would suggest you do is approach him again on this topic, tell him you are uncomfortable with him keeping a little text-harem, and ask him to stop. If he does, great. If not, you need to decide how far you want to take this. I realize that you two are expecting a child, and when he's physically around you, things are fine. But you need to know, if you two are going to stay together, that he is putting you first in his life. It's that simple.

Nothin' But a Good Time?

QUESTION: I went on a date with my friends brother. I did ask her before what she felt about it and she said it would be a good idea. So her brother and i talked a couple times prior to the date. Even on our date we always had some interesting conversation. The next day she asked if we connected and i told her that i think we did but wasn't sure about him but he had invited me to their mothers surprise birthday party. She didnt seem phased by it and thought i should go. Later she made the comment "well if your looking for a fun time then he is your guy, but nothing serious. He is pretty good at not doing that." That night he calls me to make plans for that evening. So my question is.. is he interested in me or am i just another exciting thing? Should i listen to my friend on his reputation? And lastly, why would he be so comfortable with me meeting his whole family just after the first date?!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I think you need to let his actions speak for themselves. Give a slight bit of consideration to what your friend said, but let the large part of your decision toward her brother rest on what your eyes and ears pickup from him. Meeting the family IS a fairly big deal with some guys, not ALL GUYS, but some. On top of all of that – your friend might be getting a little uncomfortable with you making in-roads into too many parts of her life. Your friendship may have been cool at the office, or at the weekly hot-yoga class, or at night school, but when you start popping up at Mom’s birthday, or GrandMa’s cookout, or cousin Cheryl’s wedding, you may be getting too deep into her life. Keep your eyes and ears open to both of them and I think you’ll find out all that you need to know.

Good luck-

CHUCK: You are getting some mixed signals that are a cause for concern. But they are coming from your friend, not his brother. First, she tells you that it would be a good idea if the two of you should go out on a date. Then, when you tell her that he has, with little dating history together, invited you to their mother's surprise birthday party, she basically tells you that he is only good for a "good time." That may be true , but, as you describe it, those are some pretty dismissive remarks. So does she think that her brother is worth seeing or not?

As for one of your questions, some guys consider the event that they are inviting a young lady to, some don't, and some try to get what they want out of it. I agree with Garland 100%.My brother used to bring all kinds girls to all kinds of family events, confusing them, and my mother as to how relevent they were to his life. I needed to know a young lady pretty well to attempt that. Some guys just think they'll get more play if they let a young lady think they're important enough to meet Mom.

How do you know which kind of man this guy is? Well, you've got a prime source of information right at your disposal: his sister. If you want to continue seeing him and find out what there is to find out on your own, feel free. Or you could engage her in a more serious conversation, and find out if her brother is a keeper, or just for a good time. Then make your own decision.

Where You Want to Be

QUESTION: Hello Men. I love your practical and realistic answers.

OK, I met this guy 10 months ago while on holiday in a city, we liked each other, hung out for about 5 weeks, and we started a relationship, before i left the holiday location,(in which he permanently resides.) making our relationship a long distance one. i had always planned, even before meeting him, that i would further my studies at that same holiday location, which i informed him about.

This plan, is what we both banked on as a convergence point for us and an end to the distance part of the relationship. Now, due to circumstances beyond my control, i cannot further my studies as previously planned.

Knowing this, i asked him what his intention was for me, when he asked me into a long distance relationship, in the sense that, what is his convergence plan for us, but he couldnt come up with an answer. I'm thinking in my mind, are we just going to keep dating to infinity?????

Do you think this guy takes me serious? I dont want to waste my time here, and also, i dont know if his case is that of confusion, poor planning or we simply didnt think of the flipside of my going to school? I'm 26, he is 27. I'm considering ending the relationship and moving on to something REAL. Please advise, perhaps i'm being dramatic???? The long distance relationship is 8 months old. Thanks.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Until I read that your long distance relationship was 8 months old. I would have been inclined to just assume that he hadn’t figured out what he really wanted. However, 8 months is a sort-of reasonable amount of time for him to have a clue about his plans for you [in his life] long term. But that is just my opinion, and I’m not a mind reader.I do want to point out though that asking a man what “his intentions are for you,” is a really strong request and you are basically pushing him deep into a corner.

He may like you a lot and he may want to see if marriage is something he’d consider somewhere down the road. But he certainly can’t tell you, “Honey. I might want to marry you one day,” because a lot of women would take that as a preamble to a marriage proposal, and he’d always feel that pressure whenever he spoke to you. In other words, it would ruin your relationship from his perspective.

On the flip side of the coin, he may only be mildly interested in you. He may think you are nice and cool, but he doesn’t know what the future holds. So when you put his feet to the fire, he may see that as his last chance to get ready to marry you or leave you, and I think there are still some things in between those two options that you two need to explore, and he may play it safe and use it as a chance to bolt.I see why you want an answer. It’s reasonable, but it isn’t as simple as you saying, “What are your plans for me?” Do you know what your plans are for him? Maybe you need to put your cards on the table face-up and let him play his hand around yours. If you trust him, you should be okay. But I think you need to go to him and let him know how you feel and you need to BOTH figure out where you are between marriage and breaking up.Best wishes to your happy conclusion!

CHUCK: "Convergence plans?" Wow, you make things sound so businesslike... and so serious. First, I suggest you put yourself in his place. He assumed, with your first announced plan, that you would be moving to his city, and all of this could be taken care of. But then, your plans fell apart. Now you are approaching him aggressively, asking him what his intentions are. And when he can't give you the answer you want, in the time frame that you want it, you seem ready to throw the whole relationship away.

You're within your rights, of course, but I don't think you're being entirely fair. First of all, you haven't really described what circumstances are behind his seeming reluctance to relocate. Is his school there? Is his job? Or is it just that he doesn't appear ready to move, for whatever reason? Is there a time factor (i.e., maybe he can relocate later?) If his reluctance relates to a job or school, these are outside factors that he may be able to correct, but not right away. However, if it's something like this city having the best Thai food, or whatever, I'm gonna assume it's something reasonable.

There is probably a solution to this, but I doubt it can be reached by ultimatums. But before you can determine how to get to your mutually-agreed-upon future, you two need to agree on what that is. Talk to him, and find out what he would like your relationship to be. And if his goals are the same as yours, how you can work towards it.

If you are not after the same thing, of course, you should go your separate ways. Since you seem disinclined to engage in a long-distance relationship, even in the short term, you may need to reassess what you want out of this relationship. Good luck.

So what do you want ME to do?

QUESTION: Chuck and Garland,

I am so happy I found this blog. While looking through your past posts, I am thankful for the wisdom and advice you are sharing with us confused women.

If you could take a minute and share your thoughts about my problem (a problem that I think many women face) it would be very very appreciated.

I'm 23 years old and I've been dating this guy (that I really like) unofficially for about a month now. He made the first move and we hit it off right away. Our chemistry (physical and intellectual) is amazing (we haven't slept together yet, but we've done everything but...) We have a very similar since of humor, have a lot in common, and when we are together we totally fit. I know he feels the same way because whenever we get done from a date, he will always text me (usually 15 minutes after the date. sometimes the next morning) how good of a time he had, how much he loves hanging out with me, etc. I've also met a lot of his friends at a party he hosted - I could tell he loved to show me off. He compliments me (but not too much) and is always remembering little details I've shared with me. When we are together, I genuinely feel like he is interested in me.

What i'm struggling with is the fact that i'm setting up all the dates. Sometime's he'll hint that we should go out by saying something like "Oh we have to watch this movie soon" or "I can't wait to take you to this" but it's always me saying "Awesome, when do you want to go?" And other times, when I just ask if he wants to hang out soon, he'll say something like "Absolutely! Let me cook you dinner. How's sunday work?" or whatever. But he's never the initiator.

i've tried not instigating the dates, but then we end up not hanging out for like 6 days. He still texted/called/fbed me during those 6 days, but he never asked me to hang out. I don't call/text/fb him too much because I don't want to come off desperate, and because i'm already the one instigating the dates, i don't feel like instigating the rest of the communication.

I guess how I feel is if he really liked me, wouldn't he actively persue me? I've always been told men should persue the woman, not the other way around. So should I ignore our awesome chemistry and all the other signs that he is into me and stop pursuing him? Or should I continue what i'm doing and stop overanalyzing? Or should I be straight up and ask him "Hey, I can't really tell how into me you are. When we're together, It seems like you totally are into me. But you never really instigate hanging out so it's kinda giving me mixed signals."

Anyways, I would love to hear your feedback on if you think he is really into me and what I should do about this behavior.

Thanks so much!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I see that this one has been unanswered for a while, so I apologize for that. It would seem like after six years, Chuck and I would have our system down better, but alas life and work have a way of pushing our blogging to the back burner sometimes.

So – let’s see. I want to start by saying that I’m glad you seem to be in a good, though not great, situation. I know that you say “The Man is supposed to pursue The Woman,” but sometimes such general rules are either subject to interpretation or simply non-applicable. Now, granted, I do believe that a man has to make his interest in a woman clear, but all guys aren’t “shooters” some are “spotters”.

Let me explain. I think you may have a “spotter.” When it comes to military operations, “shooters” and “spotters” form a lethal and highly effective sniper team. The “shooter” aims the rifle, he/she looks through the sights and factors in elevation, wind, distance and a number of other factors and PULLS THE TRIGGER, The “shooter” makes the action happen. The “spotter” on the other hand, compiles the factors like elevation, wind speed and direction, distance, temperature and all sorts of other things and they give them to the shooter. But they do not PULL THE TRIGGER, they simply help the trigger pull result in a successful action.

I think your guy might be a “spotter.” He may like doing things and he may enjoy being with you, but he just isn’t good at pulling the trigger and making something happen. Maybe over time he will, but right now he doesn’t. He also may call himself seeing how interested in him YOU ARE. Yeah – SURPRISE! Sometimes us guys get a little insecure and we want to make sure you ladies aren’t playing us either. And yet again, he may consider himself to be a gentleman and he doesn’t want to crowd you by laying out times for you all to be together. In his mind, it may be enough to say, “Yeah, we need to see that movie…” but he wants to get together when it’s most convenient to you – so he lives the date and vacant pending your availability. Sure, that’s a bit extreme. But it’s possible.

I think you should assume that he likes you and he’s on the up-and-up, and just tell him that you’d like for him to be a little more aggressive when it comes to planning the things you both do. Tell him that it’s okay and you don’t feel boxed in when he suggests a time and place. Best of luck to you and drop us a line and let us know how things are going!

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does anybody hear you lying?

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Though I've dated - and even had a couple of relationships - in the 3 1/2 years since my beloved husband died, I haven't liked anyone nearly as much as I do this new guy I met online. He's brilliant, funny, brash - very different than anyone I've ever dated, though he comes with some baggage (and kids, which I can deal with). We met online, are both 40-something, and have been seeing each other for a little over a month.

Why I'm confused: he came on super strong in the first two weeks - lots of texts and phone calls, two dozen roses - and there was even a night (3rd date?) where I got a little freaked because he was saying he thought he more than liked me, wished he'd met me years ago, etc., etc. Though flattered, I felt this was too much too soon so I told him he didn't know me well enough to feel that way yet. (Let me mention that this has also happened with the last two guys I've dated - they became overly infatuated very early on, professed love way too soon, and then bailed, one after a year, the other after three months.) This led to a good discussion with the new guy, though, on our views on romantic relationships. He's said since the beginning that he only dates one woman at a time and he took down his online profile immediately (though I did not agree to do the same for a couple of weeks). As far as the physical side of things, we've been fooling around since the second date, and have had sex several times (off the charts!) since the third date.

Then two things happened: he told me about something not-so-great in his past, and he had a sudden illness in the family. At first, I was totally cool with his admission and told him the past was the past. But then he canceled three dates in a row due to the family crisis, and given his admission, and the fact that I'd never even seen his house yet, I felt suspicious of the sudden caginess and like he was blowing me off. In the end, I probably didn't handle this well, as a lot of the back and forth was done through texting, and I confessed to doing a little Google research on him. I could also have been more patient while he sorted out his family stuff, but it went from lots of communication to almost none at all for a week and a half, and I had no idea what was going on.

When we did finally meet again, things were different. Although we did get together 2 x last week - he even made me an amazing dinner - and we've had great sex/sleepovers, he's backed off emotionally in a big way. Our daily contact is greatly reduced, there's no sense of urgency to see me, and the sweet-talk and nicknames and "xo" texts from him have completely ceased. When he does say nice stuff now, it's do with my sexiness ('best sex ever" "you're so gd sexy" "good morning sexy" instead of the "beautifuls," "I-like-you's," and "kisses" of before). But then I get mixed signals, like him leaving his shirt at my house intentionally, or his making me breakfast. Weirdest of all was his saying "Are you sure?" when I told him I really liked him, before saying he liked me too. (Which to me felt more like a deflection than a genuine need for reassurance.) I guess my questions are these: have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want? Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer? Am I overanalyzing it? Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you very, very much for this question. I want to say first that I’m sorry about your husband’s passing. With regards to my answer, it’s going to be the answer that I have wanted many women to hear since we’ve had this blog!

I’m going to answer your questions one by one and then I’m gonna’ vamp a little at the end.

ONE: “Have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want?

ANSWER: Unfortunately, I have to say “Yes, I think so.”

QUESTION: “Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer?”

ANSWER: I’m big on talking things out, but I’m not feeling it for this guy. I suspect that you’ll get a steaming load of crap from him. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

QUESTION: “Am I overanalyzing it?”

ANSWER: Hell no! If you were counting the number of times he says your name in his texts, or if you were counting the number of times he smiles at you when you talk, or if you were trying to figure out which days he scrambles eggs best – then I’d say, yeah, you’re over analyzing, but taking a serious look at the progression of your relationship and his actions is quite reasonable. I think you are doing okay.

QUESTION: “ Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?”

ANSWER: Now keep in mind that what I’m giving you is my opinion. I’m only hearing your perspective, and I certainly don’t know you or this guy that you are talking about, but what I’ll say is this: I think a lot of guys grow more juvenile and insecure as they grow older. I think a lot of guys feel like they’ve missed something in their younger days and they become less and less capable of being in what most people would call "a committed relationship." I think some guys drift around women not wanting to be too serious, not wanting to feel too tied down and not being in a position where they might miss out on the next attractive woman that might be willing to take off her clothes for them.

That’s what worried me when you said that on the third date he started talking about these "deep feelings" he has for you. I wish more women perked their ears up when guys did this and said to themselves, “BS ALERT! BS ALERT! BS ALERT!” Now, I’m not saying that some guys don’t catch legitimate feelings early on, but I think most of these guys have to go through a period of denial and attempts to rationalize what they are feeling. The number of guys that are truly serious about catching feelings by the third of fourth date and actually tell the women is probably very low. [That’s just my opinion!] I think when a lot of guys start telling women that they ‘care about them’ and ‘love them’ and say things like, ‘the Lord sent me here to find you,” very early in a relationship, they are trying to blind you with bull***t. Sorry, I think that is just the truth more often than not.

A lot, a WHOLE LOT of guys think [and know] that a fair number of single women, looking for dates online, or in clubs, or in certain social circles will fall for that kind of over-the-top comment. Check this out: “Honey, let me tell you. I love being single. All of my boys are married and doing the family thing and I’m just chillin’ doing my thing. But then I meet you and I’m like WOW, where did she come from? She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s crazy, sexy, cool – you know. I just don’t know what I’m gonna’ do. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never felt this way before. I… I… I think I’m falling in love with you.” Now, I just came up with that off the top of my head, and I bet that if I polished it up, and delivered it across a dinner table in just the right light on the third date to 20 women that are legitimately trying to meet a nice guy, I bet that more than a couple would buy it. My point is – some guys will do their best to bull***t their way into your bedroom or your bank account! They aren't worried about your heart. I’ve seen it many times in women that I’ve known over the years. I’d love to give you some examples, but I’m afraid that some folks I know would have their feelings hurt if they saw it on this blog and I’m just not going to do that.

Also, let me just hit two other points on why you feel “fascinating and sexy, but not loveable,” TEXTING and HIS PLACE. Don’t be so quick to accept luv from your cellphone just because it’s there. Texting is so cold and impersonal and yet millions of people value it so much. They think they are loved because someone took 28 seconds to send them a three sentence text message. MAKE A MAN call you! Make him take a few minutes away from his day to step aside and share his voice with you and listen to your voice. Demand MORE! Don’t accept LESS! And, if a man has honest intentions with you, then he will let you see his home within the first few dates. To me, as a MAN who was single at a prior point in his life, this was a gesture of honesty and trust. A man that opens his home and lets you in is showing you, (1.) He’s single and doesn’t have a wife. [Look around carefully though, she might be out of town!] (2.) He’s not a bum that still lives with his Mama. [Look around carefully though, she too might be out of town!] (3.) He lives a certain way, neat, sloppy, artful, dirty, whatever. (4.) He can sustain himself - He can furnish a place, he has food in his refridgerator, his toilet is clean, he has soap in his bathroom, there isn't a big hole in his living room floor! He is a reasonable person! But don’t allow him in and out of your home and your bed if you’ve never darkened his doorstep. You are setting yourself up to get caught in bed with a married man!

Lastly, don’t believe for a second that you are “fascinating and sexy, but NOT loveable,” Don’t allow a handful of unworthy men that are not in your league to make you devalue the woman in the mirror. She is fascinating, and sexy AND LOVEABLE. Scrutinize the men you meet, don’t fear over analyzing, keep your eyes and ears open for BS, and don’t settle for less than you deserve and you’ll find the guy and the relationship that you’re looking for. Take care!

I want that shaken and not stirred... LMAO.

QUESTION: This is my story:

I met this guy about a year and half ago, he happens to be my best friend's husband's best friend, I was instantly attracted to him but kept my interest to myself because he lives about an hour and half away from me and we have many mutual friends. However, (thanks to the internet) we started to talk on a regular basis on google-chat about 6 months ago - we chatted about everything 4 or 5 days a week for hours on end. Both of us are very shy people, and awkward when it comes to flirting and relationships - so talking online makes everything easier. When I would see him at friends' events I noticed he would look at me a lot, and when I looked at him he would immediately look a way. At the onset of these events and parties, the two of us would ignore each other at the beginning, but by the end of the night we would be chatting alone together.

After about 2 months of chatting online, the two of us were at the same party. We both got fairly tipsy and flirted the entire night, and ended up making out after everyone had gone to bed. But, we never spoke about that instance until several months later. After this drunken make-out session he got a little distant, and we stopped chatting online for about a week, then out of the blue he tells me that he'll be in my city for work, and we should grab lunch! In his line of work he is required to travel a fair amount of the time, and after this first lunch non-date, we would always have lunch (sometimes he would pay, other times we went dutch) whenever he was in town. During these outings we would sometimes talk about past relationships and what we were looking for in a partner. We both have had horrible experiences in long term dating situations. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with someone who eventually became an alcoholic - fortunately for me I got out of that relationship before anything too terrible happened. My love interest was in a relationship with a woman who got pregnant with another man's child the first month they lived together, he had also purchased a wedding ring shortly before he discovered her infidelity. Needless to say, both of us are a little more than scarred.

As time passed, our relationship would slowly (emphasis on the word 'slowly') blossom, and we've started to become closer and closer over the past several months. A month later he and I were at another party, and we both got a little tipsy again and we ended up fooling around (no sex) in my friend's spare bedroom - we were at it for a good 3 hours, I remember the sun coming up and we were still fooling around. It was awesome. Again, we don't talk about this occurrence and he stops chatting with me online for another week. After this event he continued to let me know when he was in town, and we would have lunch.

Our many mutual friends started to catch on that we were starting to be more than friends, and would tease us. Every time I would flirt with him he wouldn't respond or he would get really nervous, so it was hard to tell his level of interest in me. At about month 5 of all of this happening I was still really confused about how he truly felt about me. I couldn't take it any more and let him know all of my feelings, and I had to push him to get any information out of him. Keep in mind I let him know this via text message (I'm shy, talking directly to someone about feelings scares me. Texting/online = safety) - I found out through our conversation that he was 1) concerned about the long distant thing, but we're only an hour and half apart and I let him know that it didn't bother me, 2) he had already been thinking about how things would work if we did start to date, 3) he was concerned about dating someone who was his best friend's wife's friend, 4) he wanted more physical relations with me.

A week later after this discussion, we went on what many people may define as a double date to a movie. It was just our two mutual married friends mentioned above, and us. I paid for the tickets, and he paid for the popcorn/drinks and dinner after the movie. During this non-double date he was flirting with me more than any other time that we had been in public together. Teasing, touching, hugging, texting each other at the table, etc.

Flash-forward another week and we go on our very first official date, I drive to his house and we planned that I would be staying for the entire weekend. Obviously, we end up having sex that night. It was probably the most romantic sex I've ever had. He gently kissed me, gazed into my eyes, pushed the hair out of my face, held my hand, held my face when he kissed me. The foreplay lasted for a good 3+ hours. However, when the actual sex part came around...he didn't last very long, and I could tell he was kinda surprised by this and felt bad. Saturday night came and he was hosting a party, as usual he doesn't pay much attention to me at the beginning, but towards the end of the night he had his hand on my ass in front of 15 of our closest friends - a big step. We didn't end up having sex that night b/c we were both wasted (too drunk to have sex, I know!). The next day before I left we cuddled on the couch watching netflix for a good 5-6 hours. Not to mention that two of his closest friends, who spent the night in the spare room, saw us cuddling in the same bed that very morning.

Since that night he's been a little distant, the texts and google chats have been very sparse. If I do send him a message he will respond almost immediately but the conversation doesn't go anywhere. It's been almost 2 weeks and we've barely talked to each other. So I'm just confused. I want to pursue a real relationship with him, I just don't know what I need to do.

Please help.

GARLAND: WOW? Uh, thanks for your question. In the six years that we’ve done this blog, I have never been a fan of long questions. I try to pick up specific points and sometimes it is hard to pick out the key details when I’m told about all sorts of different things, so I hope I can get to the crux of your concern.

Before I get to my answer let me just hit a few points.

ONE: Please tell me I read this wrong and you were NOT sitting at the same table with your friends and the two of you were TEXTING each other? This is not good. If you two can sit at the same table and chose to tap on your little qwerty keyboards instead of speaking to each other – then unfortunately, rough times may lie ahead.

TWO: Your friends ‘tease’ you because you two are attracted to each other? You may need some more mature friends. I fear they may tease you because you are wearing white on your wedding day.

To me, it seems that the two of you may be too timid and passive aggressive for your own good. I don’t mean to sound rude, and I’m not trying to be callous, but the two of you, according to what you’ve said, basically have to intoxicated in order to loosen-up enough to show each other any affection. That is NEVER a solid foundation for a relationship, though oddly I have heard of quite a few couples that disagreed with me.

And let me just hit this texting thing again. Chuck and I both agree that texting is going to prove to be the doom of most relationships. People rely too heavily on the safety and non-personal nature of texting and they lose the face to face passion that a relationship should bring. You [usually] can’t look someone in the eye when you text them. You can’t hear the changes in their voice to see if they are happy or sad or angry or lying. You can’t gauge whether someone is joking when they text, “SORRY I CAN’T COME OVER TONIGHT. I’M SCREWING MY BOSS. LOL” Now if someone said that to you, you could probably tell it was a joke. In a text message, it could be completely true and when they dump you, they can say, “Well, I told you I was screwing my boss!”

My suggestion is this. Make arrangements for a weekend together. Go someplace right between the two of you – forty-five minutes from both of you. Split the room 50/50 to eliminate that drama, leave your cell phones in the cars! And have NO alcoholic drinks for the whole weekend! If, and I’m dead serious here – if you can’t spend a whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon without your cell phones, without texting and without booze, then don’t waste your time trying to build a relationship together. Cut bait.

However, if you can pull this off. Take the weekend to talk about your feelings, your ideas, your plans for the future and see if the two of you can forge a relationship together. Really be candid and enjoy the time you have without your friends, and without having to be drunk and without your little electronic chaperones!

Best of luck. “GDBY”

Meet me in the copier room... we need to talk.

Hi Chuck & Garland,

This is my question- does he genuinely like me or is it just sex or friendship he's after?

I joined a company 6 months ago. I am 33 and married for 5 yrs and he is 31 and involved. From the day I joined I noticed him looking at me across the room and have caught his eyes couple of times. Since we are in 2 different divisions although he sits behind me in an open plan office our interactions have been very few over 6 months. When ever we interact he talks very softly and "caringly"(very politely in other words) and blushes. He tends to blush with everyone but a bit more so with me. All this attracted me towards him over 6 months and now I cant stop thinking about him. It doesn't help the fact that I decided to marry my best friend and compromise on passion. I feel I can have a passionate relationship with this guy if he ever decides to make a move.

This is why I think he likes me;

1. He smiles alot when I go over to talk to me as if he's very happy to see me
2. Every time he speaks to me - he is extremely polite with a soft voice- nicer to me than I 've hear him around others
3. He blushes around me
4. He has a very unusual name which I keep pronouncing wrong- he has never corrected me although I've seen him correcting others. When I apologised for it he said the way I pronounce his name sounds nice somehow.
5. He has given me 2 eye brow flashes when he sees me for the first time in the day, throughout the 6 months- first one about 2 months ago and the second couple of days ago.

This is why I think he is not interested romantically and interested in just being a friend or only attracted to me sexually:

1. When we do talk I try to linger the eye contact so he knows I like him(I have even looked at his chest while he was looking at me to show I like what I see!) but his smiling gaze goes from my eyes to elsewhere and back to my eyes and elsewhere again- he never maintains a lingering eye contact even if he;s red in the face and smiling silly.
2. He has a lot of friends- guys and girls a like- but have never seen him being loud and outgoing- he maybe well behaved around me or simply could be a flirt??
3. When transferring objects(only happened twice) he goes out of his way not to touch my fingers. He has never touched me or attempted to.
4. If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.

I would very much appreciate a guy's opinion on this.

Thanks
S

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Let me take a crack at giving you a guys perspective on it.

I can’t really sink my teeth into any of the examples you cited. I’m not trying to be difficult but you can actually flip any of your examples around and take them to mean the opposite of what you think they mean.

For example, you think he doesn’t like you because, “If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.” I could spin that and say he DOES like you because, he doesn’t look at you in the fear that everyone in the meeting would see the look in his eyes and know that he’s attracted to you and he doesn’t want his feelings known.

You think he likes you because, “He smiles a lot when I go over to talk as if he's very happy to see me.” And, I could rationalize that into him NOT liking you because he could be smiling to hide how much he can’t stand you. He could be saying, “Smile Jimmy. Smile. Don’t let her see how much she gets on your nerves.

Okay, look I’m just adding a neutral perspective on your situation.

Let me give you my real take on this. I honestly don’t know if he likes you or not. I’m a guy that’s big on letting people know how I feel about them, but you two can’t really do that at this point. This guy and you are both beating around the bush and for good reason, you are married and he has a girlfriend. The two of you can’t risk putting your feelings out in the closed in environment of work. What if he doesn’t like you like that? What if he does and the people in the office get wind of what the two of you two are doing? There is a lot at play in this situation and a lot at risk.

I think, I’m sorry – I KNOW the answer lies with the chap that you like. Despite my warnings above, the only way you will know for sure is to take some time and think about yourself, your husband, your marriage and your future and you have to decide one of two things – ONE, either you will approach this co-worker of yours in a private, away-from-work location and ask him straight-up how he feels about you, or TWO, decide that his feelings for you have no real benefit to your life or your future and you don’t push the issue any further. I’m not saying which one is right because I don’t know you personally, but YOU have to figure out what you want and what are willing to risk to get it and/or keep it.

This guy knows how he feels, YOU have to figure out if you REALLY AND TRULY want to know. You have to make a decision and you have to accept it and move forward. I wish you the best in your situation!

CHUCK: I can't make head or tail of your signs, either. "He smiles, he avoids my touch, etc." It may mean something. It may mean nothing. It may mean something one time, and nothing the next time. It may... You get the idea. What I'm saying is, I can't decipher this guy's behavior. I don't know him. You don't, either.

What you're doing with this question, really, is taking two issues, and combining them into one. And your dilemma cannot be addressed until you separate those issues, and address them as such. So...

Issue #1: You are married, but apparently unfulfilled. Why else would you care so much about what some dude in the office thinks about you? You say that you made a decision years ago to marry your best friend and "compromise on passion." That may have been enough at that point, but it doesn't look like it is anymore. You are taking what is a casual relationship, and putting a whole lot into it. Maybe it's time for you to reassess your marriage, and determine if you still want to stick with the compromise you made. But don't do that just because you're thinking about your co-worker.

Issue #2: You can't figure out what your co-worker's intentions are, based on his actions. As I said above, we really can't figure out what he feels about you. Which is the main reason you can't be making crucial life decisions based on what you believe he thinks. He may view you as attractive, he may have thought about pursuing you. But he is attached, and he knows that you're attached, and has decided not to pursue you. Plus, the workplace is a minefield for relationships, even when couples are unattached. Let's give this man some credit for his restraint.

In my view, what you need to dom first and foremost, is decide whether you want to remain married or not. You apparently want more passion in your life than you have now, and, if so, you should pursue it. Maybe your future lies with this man in your office. Maybe not. But you should be free of your attachments before you give it real consideration.

S*x or Time?

QUESTION: SHORT history----

Hooked up at a reunion, continued a LDR from 1500 miles away. Got together about every 3 months. I moved to area to his area and renting one of his houses (which was my home state- was moving there ANYWAY) and he then tells me "Don't move for me, I won't be there for you..not sure our relationship can last, blah, blah, blah..."
So I moved back home and he invites me to HIS home, while I wait for moving van.
SURPRISINGLY, he initiated s*x with me 3 times, during my 5 day stay there... Evidently "back rub" is code for S*X.

Van gets into town, so I leave his house......
He comes to the rental once a week and I get a "back-rub", akas S*X.

So, this "WON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU" is confusing to me. Is it FWB, Booty call, or what. I am content with either, because s*x with this person is like none other I have expereinced. lol. I just need direction...... My birthday just past and I rec'd 2 presents and a nice card that said "YOU'RE NOT GETTING OLDER, YOU'RE GETTING SEXIER"----

NO NAME~~~~~

GARLAND: THKS for the question NN.

Based on what you’ve given us, he’s telling U that he is not going to give you anything more than sex.
“I won’t be there for you,” is his safety net. That way, he can sex… uh, S*X you up as much as he wants and still doesn’t have to commit to you. That way, he can sex… uh, S*X up as many other young ladies that he wants and he has no commitment, no loyalty, and no accountability to you. The second… the very SECOND you act like you want anything other than the ‘hot-n-sweaty’ from him, he is gonna throw that safety net back in your face. He’s gonna tell you, “I told you I wasn’t trying have a relationship!” So, if S*X is all you want and it’s off the charts, then enjoy it. This guy will never give you anything more.

CHUCK: I think it's important to define our terms before we go any further. So, s*..., oh, for God's sake, SEX, is A) What you will get when a back rub is offered, B) Pretty darn good, and

C) What you can expect of this man, rather than any of his "time." "Time" is, that other stuff that couples do in a relationship, when they're not doing sex.

I, personally, don't see why you're confused. I have to commend this man for being honest with you, at least. He's told you all that he has to offer you. He won't be there for you. He won't take you to the movies. He won't bring you soup when you get sick. He won't sit on the couch with you, and laugh at Basketball Wives. He's told you, don't expect this. And you've agreed to his terms.

My only concern is that you might be selling yourself a little short with your current arrangement. You're renting his house. He pays you a visit for a backrub once a week. But what if you want a backrub twice one week? What if you want to have it on a Tuesday, instead of a Thursday? What if you want to skip a week? Is that a dealbreaker? He has all the power between you two. And that's fine, as long as he doesn't abuse it.

So, by all means, enjoy all the great sex. You have a right to. But please, don't harbor any thoughts that he might change his mind about your arrangement one day. It's unlikely. And watch out for any signs that he might be seeking to take further advantage of you than you have agreed to allow him to. And, for now, good luck.

It's Your Move.

QUESTION: Hello,

I am super attracted to a male coworker, and I was hoping you could give me some help with deciphering his behavior. I feel like I am getting mixed signals from him and I can't tell if he's just being nice or if he may be interested in me romantically. For background, I am 28 and he is 34. We are both single and have never been married. We have worked together for about a year now in a very professional setting. We also both live in the same neighborhood. He is a very introverted and private individual, but our job affords us some time alone together and we have had many conversations during these times. I find we have many similar interests and values, and our personalities are very compatible. Deep down, I get the distinct feeling he is attracted to me, yet he has never asked me to do anything outside of work with him, which leaves me feeling conflicted and doubtful that he's interested. Some things he does that make me feel like he is interested:
1. He sometimes holds eye contact slightly longer than necessary.
2. He sometimes lowers his voice a bit when speaking with me.
3. He has helped me with computer/work issues numerous times.
4. He occasionally will glance down briefly at my chest during conversation if I'm wearing a low-cut top.
5. He never mentions other women/dates around me.
6. Sometimes he seems fidgety when we are alone together as if he wants to start talking to me but doesn't know what to say.
7. He is attentive during conversations and remembers things that I say for the future and he seems to genuinely enjoy talking to me.

And some things that make me doubt he is interested:
1. He avoids touching me. (He is not a touchy feely person at all, but he seems to go out of his way to avoid even the slightest touch of my hand during transfer of objects, etc.)
2. He has not asked me on a date or to do anything outside of work, though we share many similar interests and he has had plenty of excellent opportunities to ask me to join him.

Just recently we were discussing home repairs and I mentioned I needed something fixed and he offered to help. I declined and said I could probably get it working on my own. Well about a week later he brought up the topic again and asked if I had gotten it fixed yet, and offered a second time to help me. I assumed since he brought it up himself that maybe he thought of it as an excuse to get together outside of work. So I accepted his offer and he came over to my house and helped me. Well as soon as it was fixed he left. The whole scenario left me feeling perplexed, as I was hoping it could be a prelude to a date or movie or something. I have given this man tons of signals that I am interested in him, yet he isn't making any moves. I feel like he is attracted, yet his lack of action logically tells me otherwise. I am very old fashioned in that I am not comfortable making the first move. What do you think is going on with him? Do you think he's just being nice or do you think there is any hope that he is interested in me romantically? Thanks for your help!

GARLAND: Thank you for your interesting question!

As my favorite TV court judge, Joe Brown, would say, “You’ve laid out a good prima facie case.” I too seem to think that your co-worker may be interested in you. Not everything you listed is solid as far as we guys go, but enough of it sounds legit to me. So, now what?

Well, I guess one of two things will [or should] happen now. One – Old Boy stays a timid little turtle and the two of you keep an uncomfortable working association, or Two – You break out and make the first move.

Him being so timid worries me, because I think being ‘shy’ is one thing and it shouldn’t be that big a deal, but he seems to be so shy that he doesn’t seem to be able to function or interact on even a modest level of romantic interest with you. I thought having him over to fix the issue at your house might get him to loosen up, but that didn’t work. I’m afraid that dating him would simply be more and more frustration on your part – you’d have to push him to kiss you, to hug you, to touch you, and so much more. I’m worried that getting together with him may not be worth the effort. But that is just my opinion, don’t let my thoughts freak you out.

Now, on the other hand, I could be wrong, and maybe you need to drop the Old Fashioned demeanor and just step out of your box ONE TIME. What could it hurt? I’m not telling you to go ask him to marry you, and you’re not asking him to move in with you and you’re not going to ask him out 10 times in a row – I just think you should ask him out one time. Nothing fancy, just maybe a dinner or a Saturday morning breakfast at the local Waffle House. Do something that offers him a final chance to step out of his shell and man-up just a little bit. He might surprise us both! If he loosens up, then you win – maybe the two of you hit it off. But if he still clams up, then you know what time it is and all you’ve lost is the cost of a meal. I think you should take a shot and ask him out, just be sure to pick out a restaurant that serves food that YOU LIKE! Best of luck! Let us know how it works out.

CHUCK: I'm in total agreement with Garland here. You have apparently gotten as far as subtlety will take you. And that's not too far. The direct approah is going to have to be used here. As Garland and I have said here before: This is the 21st century. The same way you would avail yourself of modern advances in technology like i-phones, tablets, and e-readers, you should also avail yourself of modern advances in social mores, as well. So, women are allowed (as they always should have been) to make the first move. These traditions that you're trying to uphold, who do they serve? If they don't serve you, then you should discard them, plain and simple.

Let's take a minute to consider this man's reluctance to step to you. The workplace is exciting, filled with all this unresolved sexual tension from these people that you know, but you don't necessarily KNOW. And because of that, it can be a little risky, too. If you make a romantic move, and it's not the right time, or the right person, you can get embarrassed, or worse. Maybe that's what happened to your co-worker. Perhaps he got burned once, and now he's overly cautious about initiating contact with co-workers. And maybe that day at your place, he just lost his nerve.

Either way, without coming on too strong, you should let him know that you are interested in a way that should allow for no confusion. Like Garland says, you should invite him out for brunch, or coffee, or happy hour, or another one of those socially neutral types of events. You can tell him about your interest in him, and ask if he shares a similar interest in you. If he doesn't, the two of you should be mature enough to put this past you. If he does, and given your "clues," it seems highly likely, great. Good luck.