Not Your Doormat

QUESTION: I need help. I love my friend so much. He is a fine brother, tall, dark and handsome with a big smile and this deep sexy voice. He is everything a woman could want. But it is so so so hard for him to love me the way I love him. I know he loves me but with him he hardly says it and he gets mad at me for every little thing. if I forget to call when I get home, or I want to go out too much with my girls, or if I want to spend too much time with my mom, he gets mad. He yells, I yell we fight and then its all good, we're happy for a few days. I know he loves me but he just trips out over trival sh*t. If I get a call on my cell, he has to know who it is. If I talk to someone in the store or in the club, he's got a million questions about them. He says he's like this because women have cheated on him before and he has to know what I'm up to so he can trust me. Why can't things just be chill between us? What can I do to prove I won't cheat on him?

GARLAND: "What can you do to prove you won't cheat on him?" You can start by leaving him.

I read this question about 10 times. I started forming these great flowery answers like:

• "talk to him and remind him that you're not the women in his past..."
• "he's just insecure, help him work through it..."
• "don't argue back with him, just tell him it is what it is..."

But, I couldn't write any of these answers - because I'm not gonna' bullshit you and I'm not gonna' hold your hand and cry like I'm you're girlfriend or Oprah or somebody!

This dude of yours... mister Tall, Dark and Pathetically Insecure - is a trip to the emergency room waiting to happen. The day the guy in the seafood department says, "Hi," to you OR the day a man accidentally hits a 5 on his cellphone instead of an 8 and calls your house by mistake, OR the night you forget to turn your cellphone on while hanging with Brenda and the girls... HE is going to snap and hurt you! And, I promise you - he's going to tell you that he only hit you because he loves you AND you know how he is... This is the mantra of the WIFE BEATER, and this is what he sounds like.

If you doubt me, just check out this website:
http://www.hruth.org/engine/content.do?BT_CODE=RUTH1030

Frankly, it's time to leave homeboy. You can try and convince yourself that he loves you until the cows some home. But he doesn't. He treats you like crap and you hope and pray that your love will get you through. It won't. Far too many people give 'love' a bad name by using it as justification to stay in bad relationships. Love is NOT to be used by you or ANYONE as an excuse to let yourself be treated like shit. Please stop doing it.

Drop this bum. Do it nicely so he won't freak out... tell him it's YOU not him... get rid of him. NOW!!! Go buy that new CD you heard about, pick up a nice bottle of wine, grab a good book and find a shady spot in a nice park and spend the afternoon 'loving' yourself. It sounds to me like you haven't done that in awhile.

CHUCK: I don't necessarily want to say your man is on the verge of becoming physically abusive. That's an easy discussion: The day he puts his hands on you... LEAVE. But he's obviously psychologically abusive, and sometimes that can be just as bad. He's possessive, angry, spiteful, and jealous. Where's the upside in this guy? Oh, wait... He's tall, dark, and handsome, he's got a big smile, a sexy voice. I'm sorry, but given the circumstances you describe, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH. If this guy split the atom, cured AIDS, and invented a car that got 77 miles to a gallon, maybe. But not as it stands now.

He's obviously got some trust issues that need to be resolved. If you can, try to get him to open up about what specifically turned him into the closed-off person he is now. Hopefully, by opening up, you can convince how different that you are from the women who trashed his self-esteem. If you can't get through to him and make him see that he's pushing you away from him, please move on from this man. Life's too short for two people to be miserable.

Old Dirty Bastard...

QUESTION: My man is dirty! Not his mouth or his mind, but his crib! I've been trying to ignore it for as long as we've been going out, but its just plain nasty in his apartment. He doesn't mop his floors or vaccum. He's got clothes laying all over the place, old newspapers and sports magazines piled up and laying around. He doesn't clean his toilet or his shower. It is just nasty. All he does his wash his clothes and his body, but I can't stand it anymore. I refuse to visit too long and staying overnight is completely out of the question. What is he thinking? Do I try to change him or what? If things don't change, I'm leaving, straight up, this mess of his is just too much for me!

GARLAND: Gee, I feel you on this one. I think I would have rolled out a long time ago!

Your man probably has one of several issues: either he's a boy that refuses to grow up and live like adults, among adults; or he has some kind of psycological disorder that makes him tend to be messy; or he's just a trifflin' bum!

I suggest you talk to him about his place, but do it gently because he might freak out and bury you under a pile of newspapers from back in the Clinton administration days. The paper mites alone will eat you down to the bones in a matter of weeks.

Feel him out and see if he thinks anything should be different with regards to the neatness of his home. If he doesn't he may have a disorder that you might wnat to recommend he get help with. But, if he acts like you're being mean or unfair to him - then just back off. Unless this guy seems willing to pick up a little, then you need to really look in the mirror and ask yourself just how much you are willing to put up with in a relationship. If you can't handle his messy ways in his home, it may be a good bet that he'll give less than a damn about your place if you two ever get together long term.

CHUCK: The way I see it, there are two options here. Maybe your boyfriend is one of these guys who is waiting for his momma to show up and clean his pigsty. A great possibility. Or something more insidious may be at work here. He may be using the filth in his apartment to keep you at bay, so your relationship does not progress past a certain level.

Hear me out. You say that, due to the cruddy conditions he lives under, you don't visit long, and "staying overnight is completely out of the question." There's a certain kind of man that likes to maintain that kind of distance in a relationship. You come over, you two find a relatively clean place to hook up, and then you're out, before you can catch Hepatitis B. And as long as he continues to decorate like Fred Sanford, your relationship probably won't progress much further. You should be able to tell if that's what's going on. Think about it.

Beyond that, talk to this guy. Don't tell him that he's a grown-ass man, and not a Peanuts character (y'know, Pigpen?). Instead, tell him that you don't feel comfortable in his apartment as long as it's in such disarray. He should be able to handle that. I mean, he KNOWS that he's a slob, more than likely. If he has any interest in keeping things going with you, he'll clean his act, and his landfill, up.

Kinda Girl You Take Home to Mama

QUESTION: I've been going out with a man named Benton for almost three months now. We've spent a lot of time together over the last 14/15 weeks including weekends and nights at one anothers homes. He's a good man and I think I love him. My only problem is that he won't take me home to meet his mother. She lives less than an hour away in Decatur, GA and he visits her and his father a couple of times a month but he never takes me. When I ask him to take me to meet her, he never gives a clear answer and sort of says, "one day." What's up with that?

GARLAND: I've been in the same spot as your man Benton before, so I'm going to speak from first hand experience... I'm willing to bet that Chuck has been down this road too.

Let me ask you a question before I give you my answer.
"Are you dating Benton OR his mother?"
(I'll wait while you think about that one. la la la la... doo doo doo... la la la la... whistle, wistle...)

Gee, sorry about the sarcasm I just put out - I'm not sure where that came from.

But, my answer is this - don't make a big deal out of this. Three months is nice but all guys don't run women home to meet Mama right away. In man terms "right away" may mean five or six or more months!!! So, be patient!

If you've checked old Benton out, and he's not hiding a WIFE or some unclaimed KIDS and he's not smuggling guns and herion out of Nicaragua... chances are he's okay and YOU'RE okay, even though you haven't met The Mom.

When I was single and dating I very rarely took women home to meet mom unless I knew that there was truly a long term commitment going on, and three months of dating was usually just a drop in the dating timeline bucket. The reason being, for me was twofold:

• FIRST - I didn't want my mom to think that I was some unstable gigalo that had to date a different woman every other week. And I didn't want to have a whole lot of different women coming in and out of her [and dad's] house everytime she turned around.
• SECOND - And this ties in a little to the first reason, Growing up I saw my older male cousins bringing different women home to meet our grandmother. My cousins were cool dudes and dating different young ladies came with ease, but after seeing my grandmother greet one young lady by saying something like, "Hello Brenda, uh Lisa, uh Crystal. I'm sorry I got your name mixed up." I realized that sometimes, older folks might get you in trouble and you might get them confused!

So, from my personal perspective - be patient. Chances are he's not hiding you from his mom, he's just waiting for the right moment for him. And another thing - she might just be one of these "MARRYING MOMS" where, as soon as you walk thru the door, she's trying to help you pick out china patterns for your reception and dress colors for your bridesmaids!

Just remember, you're dating him - not his mother!

Chuck: Um... ditto.

My brother used to bring his girlfriends around our mother constantly. Our mother, being who she was, would welcome these women in, make friends with some of them, then be left feeling uncomfortable when he broke up with them and she still wanted to have them over at family functions. And there's my brother with his new girlfriend. Forget that. In my adult years, I intentionally introduced my mother to exactly two of my girlfriends. One I dated for five years. The other I married.

I think you may be hung up on the idea that you feel as though you're the kind of woman that his mother should approve of, but he hasn't given you the opportunity to prove it yet. Well, you don't know, so his mom might be a demanding shrew who chews up girlfriends and spits them out. He may be protecting you.

Ultimately, you two haven't been dating all that long. It hasn't even been three months yet. Give him some time. You'll meet her soon enough.

Damned if she does... Damned if she...

QUESTION: Guys, you have to help me here! I have a girlfriend that has been dating a guy for the last few years. He asked her to marry him and she said yes. She then discovered that he had a teenaged child with his ex-wife. He didn't really know this child because his ex had supposedly hidden the child from him until recently (even though he was paying child support) . My friend decided to stick with marrying him and she was prepared for a ready made family. So, she packed her bags and moved to another city and started a life living with her soon to be husband and kid. They made wedding plans, picked a date and sent out invitations. With just a few months to go, he decides to tell her that he was only separated from his wife and he wasn't divorced after all. She asked why he had been lying to her for years and he told her, "I didn't think you'd really marry me when you said YES." So, now he's filing for divorce and he claims he still wants to marry her. She still wants to marry him. I think she's headed for trouble but I've tried to help friends before that seemed hellbent on messing their lives up, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut. What do you two think about this situation?

GARLAND: What do I think? I think it's good that I can't get my hands on your girlfriend, because I'd probably try to shake her until she came to her senses!!! (Not that I endorse violence - especially towards women!)

But seriously, I think your friend needs to cut this guy loose! A teenaged kid that his WIFE hid from him? Thats sounds kinda' shakey to me. If he and his wife called it quits and she took off with the kid but he still paid child support, there should be some way he could find them. That is unless he's had some legitimate criminal or mental health issues and the courts were keeping them apart. I mean - if he really truly wanted to see his kid and there was a money trail from his paycheck to a bank to her bank, and he had nothing legal against him, he could probably go through family courts to find them. That's just what I ASSUME. I've never been involved with that kinda stuff.

But why didn't he mention his kid before? This guy sounds very shady and deceitful.

And then he proposes and allows her to uproot her life and relocate to be with him and he's still married? Lord - truth is so much stranger than fiction! This guy is real trouble. First, he's screwed in the head for proposing to a woman that he really didn't plan on marrying. But then after she accepted, he should have realized that she wanted to be his wife - he should have filed for divorce then! Just sitting on his ass shows a real lack of class and brains and candor! Then secondly, he waits and waits and lets her set a date and only now he tells her! This guy is a piece of work. Your friend is a complete fool for still wanting to marry him and let me tell you why:

I'm willing to bet that she says, "But I love him!"
You don't have to tell me I'm right because I already know I am.
This is the problem with people (MEN AND WOMEN) that say "But I love him/her... These people don't truly love themselves! Because if you loved yourself, you would not allow anyone to treat you like shit. These women that let their men beat them and steal from them and cheat on them and they're willing to go out into the streets and fight other women for these so-called men that they LOVE so damn much... these women are the biggest, stupidest people in the world. If you TRULY loved yourself, when shit rears its ugly head in a relationship - you would say, "I am worth more than the grief this man is giving me! I will not accept less than I am worth! I would rather be on the shore, alone, in the storm than on the seas in a sinking ship!" Frankly, many women [and men] can't say that. Your friend, is one of these people.

I'm sure she figures, 'Oh, we've dated for a few years now, so I've invested my time in him. Things will be fine once we're married." To me, there are two things wrong with this mentality. First, until you marry someone you are speculating (yeah, just like stocks and bonds) you are measuring the rise and fall in their value... their merit, if you will. Once a person has shown the desired amount of rise with little fall in their value - then you can invest. And, second - marriage fixes nothing! Marriage doesn't stop cheaters from cheating, it doesn't stop beaters from beating, it doesn't stop liars from lying, it doesn't stop scrubs from being scrubby!!!

Your friend has hitched her dreams on a falling, lying, deceitful star. She is probably being recruited as a live-in foster mom for this kid this guy has. She has proven gullible enough to want to marry a man that has just sprung a kid on her out of the blue and now she's showing that shes the kind of woman that will let a man lie to her to her face. So basically, she deserves all the grief that he'll give her. And, believe me - it will be a lot, because now the shame isn't on him, it's on HER.

CHUCK: If I may be permitted, I'm going to use some man-centric terms here for a moment. In certain poker games, there's a principle I'm sure Garland is familiar with, where when you are dealt crummy cards, but you see your hand through, hoping against hope that the cards you need to save your ass will come across. And when they don't come across, and a big raise is made, you are left with the situation your friend has. She's trying to walk with a pair of threes.

Plainly spoken, your girlfriend has invested her time, hopes, dreams, and credibility on a lying bum. But because she has made this investment, she's reluctant to fold her hand with this guy. And she's being foolish. First, the Child, excuse me, Teenager Out of Nowhere. Then, the Divorce That Wasn't. What next? The Forgotten Bankruptcy? The Accidental STD? Really, who knows what this guy has in store next?

In ordinary circumstances, I would suggest your friend have it out with this guy, and make him be completely honest with her. But that doesn't seem likely to happen. Honestly, "I didn't think you'd really marry me when you said yes?" On that lie alone I could fertilize a small farm! Feel her out about all this, but if she's dead set on marrying this bum, do yourself a favor. Don't spend too much on the wedding gift.

Knockin' the Hustle

QUESTION: My friend is dating a guy that I think is a criminal. He claims to work construction jobs, but he never seems to go to work, he has three expensive, customized cars, he always has a ton of cash on him and he's always dressed in the flyest of fashions. I'm not hating on my friend, but she's always been drawn to guys that seem questionable and usually they are. This guy seems like all the guys she's cried over in the past. What do I do? Do I tell her or do I just leave her and the two of them alone and let things go down as they may? I just don't want to see her get locked up, hurt or worse.

GARLAND: I've seen this a few times myself. In my opinion, the ladies that have dated these shady guys... they know whats up. And, you said your girl is always drawn to 'questionable guys' so she probably knows whats going on. She may just like the danger, or the gifts, or the drama, or the thug-lovin' she may be getting.

A guy that works construction, but never seems to be AT WORK and always looks sharp and has money to spare - yeah, that may be a bad sign. But, in my opinion I think you should leave things as they are and not say anything. Be available if SHE wants to talk, but otherwise, let her go with her own flow. If you start pointing out flaws in her man, she may cling tighter to him and turn away from you.

Besides, your friend may just like perpetuate the myth that all men are dogs. She picks bad guys that she knows are bad and then after a few months, she suddenly pretends to have her eyes open when she finds his guns or his stash and then she can claim the victimized and unknowing girlfriend. Let this one ride...

-Good luck.

Chuck: First of all, before we send your friend's man off to Oswald Correctional Institute (women watched "Oz," right?), let's try to give dude the benefit of the doubt, shall we? He could work construction! Um, them union jobs pay quite a bit. And if he specializes, he could have an open schedule with easy hours. Enough to buy three expensive cars and... Oh, forget the benefit of the doubt. My man is hustling something fierce.

As for your friend, hustler's ladies are just like hustlers in this respect: They'd like to believe the good life can last forever. So she goes out with these guys, soaking up the cream, because she can't see that day coming when she's sitting on his sofa at 3 in the morning, nearly butt-naked, while cops or feds rip the place up, looking for dope or cash. I would think that kind of thing needs to happen to you only once.

I understand your urge to help your friend, but there's no need to take her aside. If she is drawn to these kinds of guys, then she knows what she's getting, and the risks she's taking. It's doubtful she'll listen to you anyway. If she wants to be a ride-or-die chick, let her. Just pray she doesn't end up with the latter choice.

The Graduate

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I will both be graduating from the University of Maryland in the next few months. We started dating during our sophmore year and we've gotten closer than I would have ever imagined. For the last two years he's been there for me and I've been there for him no matter what we had going on. He came to me a few days ago and told me that he's decided to go to grad school in Michigan. This was the first I had heard of this. Up until then I assumed we were going to stay here in the Maryland area. He had a good job offer with the federal government in DC and I've been working for an insurance company here in Silver Spring [Maryland]. Why is he going to grad school 600 miles away without talking to me or asking for my thoughts? I haven't even talked to him about this, when he told me what he was going to do, he didn't even ask my opinion. He just told me and walked away. What is going on? Am I being dumped?

GARLAND: Yes. Sadly, you are being dumped.
By telling you, "Honey I'm going to grad school in Michigan." What he avoided telling you was, "Honey, its been real. But, its time to move on."

I think that's a kinda lame way to breakup with somebody, but I have seen far worse by guys - I've seen guys curse their girlfriends out, I've seen guys deliberately get caught cheating - basically, there are worse ways to get dropped.

Do yourself the favor, don't even make an issue of it. Start planning your graduation, enjoy your life and prepare to hit the dating scene after you've given yourself a few months to get him out of your system. Trust me, from where you are right now, this probably seems like a major issue - you've been with this guy for 10% of your life, five years from now you'll look back and laugh at how lame his breakup was. Let him go his way, the best revenge you can ever have on someone is to LIVE WELL!!!

Chuck: Garland and I are in complete agreement, except maybe for the laughing-later part. Your boyfriend has dumped you in the most impersonal way he could. But this guy certainly didn't consider you when making plans for his future, so really... don't sweat him.

I'm surprised that you're surprised. I find it hard to believe that you had NO clues as to what he planned to do after graduation, considering you two dated for two years. Most women want to know what the future is for a relationship two months old, let alone two years. He never made mention of grad school? Or gave broad hints about leaving the area? Think about it. He may have been dropping hints on you all along, and just finally decided to drop the boom when you weren't taking them. In no way does this excuse him treating his long-term girlfriend so coldly, but he may feel justified or blameless anyway.

Credit him for honesty, though. He could have asked you to maintain a long distance relationship, went to Michigan and started knocking off every female in sight, while keeping you at home on the string for visits and holiday booty. He didn't do that. You can get on with your life the same as he does. Good luck.

Poppin' the question...

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been dating for over four years. We talk about getting married every now and then and I think he wants to do it. I'm sure we're headed that way because he always has something to contribute when we talk of weddings and children and growing old. He doesn't try to avoid the subject and he doesn't run away when it comes up. My only thing with the subject is this, when is he going to ask me to marry him? I've gotten a little tired of waiting, so I went to the jewelry store and bought him a wedding band. I'm thinking about asking him to marry me. One of my sorority sisters proposed to her husband and they were divorced two years after they were married and I'm worried about what this could all mean. What do I need to know before I pop the question on him?

GARLAND: I guess that all you really need to know is - Is he ready to commit to being married? I know that sounds stupid, but that is really the big question here.

Men are different creatures from women [obviously] when it comes to commitment and relationships. Women are far more emotion driven and when something feels right they tend to stick with it. With a lot of men, even if something feels right they still want to look around and make sure their not missing something better. Once they are convinced that their best chance for long term happiness rests in a certain woman, then they are ready to ask her to marry him and formalize their commitment.

I think that is why traditionally, men are the poppers of the question. Your boyfriend may not be 100% ready to make that big leap. And, if YOU pop the question on him he may feel a lot of pressure to say, yes. He may be afraid of hurting your feelings and he may be scared of driving you away by saying, "No. I'm not ready to get married." Then nothing is worse than getting married to a man that was not 100% ready to be a faithful husband.

I think you might want to hold off on popping the question. At least maybe the "Will you marry me?" part. I'd try to feel him out and see if he feels ready to get married, before you slide a gold band on his finger. You need to know where his head is at, before you accidentally ruin your life.

Thanks for the question. Good luck and drop us a line to tell us how things work out.

CHUCK: My advice to you, and I'll say this to all women: STOP GIVING MEN ALL THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS. If you want to get married, and he won't get off the dime, you might want to consider asking him yourself. I don't know too many men who, if they didn't want to get married, would just say yes for the heck of it. Peer pressure does not extend that far.

But before we go further, I'd like you to really closely examine your relationship. You say that he always "has something to contribute" whe you two talk about marriage. That says so much and so little at the same time. I can contibute to a conversation about, say skydiving. But do I want to jump out of an airplane? Not so much. Just because he doesn't run from the room screaming when you talk about marriage, doesn't necessarily mean he wants to do it. If you've been together for four years, some more substantive discussions should maybe have taken place.

But back to my initial point. This is the 21st Century. Both men and women need to act like it, and throw off the traditions of centuries past. Without knowing your sorority sister and her husband, I can say with all certainty that the fact that she proposed to him probably had nothing to do with why her marriage didn't work out.

If marriage to your boyfriend is what you really want, all I'm saying is, consider asking him yourself. Why wait? Maybe your proposing could be the sign or the push he's been waiting for. And if he doesn't to be married, at least you'll know. Then you can decide if you still want to be with him. Either way, good luck.

Working day and night...

QUESTION: My husband and I had our first child six months ago. In the months afterward I noticed that my husband has started working more overtime and even on weekends sometimes. First let me start by saying, I don't think he's messing around, I know thats the first thing that comes to mind. I see the bank deposits, I know he's on the clock when he says he is and that is what is bothering me. He is working so much now that I hardly see him and I know that this started after our son was born. Is he trying to duck the dirty diapers or is he trying to be a super dad? What is he thinking?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question! Maybe he's trying to do both - but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's mostly trying to be a super-dad.

A few years ago, I heard about a survey that some school conducted and it showed that when men became the fathers of boys they tended to work 20% more than normal as opposed to about a 10% increase in the fathers of girls. Now, please don't quote me on those exact numbers, it's been a few years but I think I'm pretty accurate in my recollection.

(DATA UPDATE: This study was conducted by The University of Washington in 1999/2000 using data collected from 1200 men from 1968 to 1993. The Study showed an increase in annual work hours for the fathers of sons at an average of 84 hours and fathers of daughters at an average of 31 hours. So, my 20% and 10% were kinda' off - but like I said, it's been a few years!)

The main premise of this increase was based on the assumption that men did this subconsciously to instill a strong work ethic in their male children. They were trying to lead by example. Boys that see daddy working hard tend to grow up to be men themselves that work hard.

I think this is what your husband is doing. Sure, your son is only six months old and doesn't notice dad's good intentions, but that doesn't matter to your husband. He has just kicked into overdrive. He is also probably coming to grips with his growing responsibility as not just a husband, but now as a father too. Whether you know it or not - I'm willing to bet that he has increased his life insurance and had a physical since your son has been born! I think he's just doing what he thinks is best for his family.

I think you should either give him a little space to go at this pace for a few more months with the hope that he slows himself down [which I doubt he will] or maybe you should just pull him aside and tell him that its okay if he doesn't kill himself in the office. Tell him you and your son appreciate what he's doing, but you both want him home more. There is nothing better for a man to hear than his wife's voice telling him how much he is appreciated. Good luck and congratulations on the little one!

CHUCK: While I might question that survey Garland cites ("Let me work harder. After all, I've got a son."), I do agree with him that your husband is probably working more to make a better life for the three of you.

Being a parent can take a lot of money. I'm not telling you anything new by saying that. But your husband may not be focusing just on the immediate expenses (diapers, bottles, Elmo toys). He may be thinking of the REAL costs that lie ahead. I'm talking about stuff like regular wardrobe replacement as he grows, costs for recreation activities, college. Things only get more costly as a child grows, and he may be trying to get a leg up on these expenses. And most men are under the cultural pressure to be the provider for their families. Your husband obviously takes this seriously. You've got a problem a lot of women probably wished they had.

But if you feel he's doing too much, let him know. Tell him you appreciate him working for you and the baby, but all things should be done in moderation. By working so much, he is missing time he'll wish he had back later, both with your son and you. He may not even realize what he's doing. But I think he'll understand where you're coming from.

The Uninvited

QUESTION: Recently a friend of mine got married and I didn't get an invitation to his wedding. We've been friends for several years and I was surprised when his wedding came and went without a peep from him. I'm going to ask him about it, but I wanted to see what this blog was about. Before I go too far I think I should make it clear that he and I were 'friends with benefits' for about a year. He wanted to be more than friends but that wasn't what I wanted, so we stopped 'the benefits'. Over the next year he dated a few other women before getting engaged and married. But I thought we were friends. Am I wrong for thinking I got dissed?

CHUCK: Are you wrong for thinking you got dissed? Um... No, not necessarily. But maybe not for the reasons you think.

When a man is getting married, he's forced to contribute to all manner of decisions he never thought he would have to make. Color schemes, menus, deejays, tuxedos, limos all have to be picked out. Whereas women either have some idea or affinity for the things to be decided on, some men may be asked their opinions on stuff they could care less about, like centerpieces. And it all costs money.

So when the final guest list is put together, sometimes hard choices need to be made.Maybe your friend was forced to make a choice between a relative and you. Maybe keeping you on the guest list would have meant making an uncomfortable explanation to his fiancee. Who knows.Not inviting you may not have been personal.

It may have been, though. Men have platonic 'women friends" and unplatonic "girlfriends." And your year as "friends with benefits" may have muddied those waters. Especially since he wanted to actually have a romantic relationship with you. No guy in his right mind is gonna invite to his wedding someone he looks on as a girlfriend.

Try not to feel insulted about this. Your relationship with your friend may not now be what you thought it was. But that relationship was going to have to change anyway.

GARLAND: I see how you could feel that there may have been a diss with your lack of invite to your 'friend's' nuptials. As a man, I don't think that you were though.

See, a diss is usually something deliberate and malicious and meant to sting and offend. I think your friend may have fallen into one of many booby-traps for the man getting married. Chuck hit hard on a couple. Your friend may have had to cut his invite list down quite a bit, depending on how big the families are, how small the church is, and how deep their pockets were. He may have had to cut YOU AND OTHERS from his invite list that he would have wanted to be there. So, you may be coming down on him a little harder than you need to.

On a different note though, you mention that you were "friends with benefits" and that he wanted to be more than friends - you didn't, so he found somebody else that did. There are two things in that situation that you have to consider from his perspective:

ONE - Regardless of what you call your relationship with him, you ARE an ex-girlfriend when it comes down to the wedding invitation list. Most decent guys aren't trying to have their ex-girlfriends at their weddings. No bride wants to share one of the most special days of her life with a woman who used to be her husband's lover back in the day!

TWO - Here's the deep one... your friend may have been in love with you, and you may not have even known it. He may have wanted YOU to be that woman in white walking down the isle to share your life with him. But, you didn't want him like that, so he left you to find someone who did. Maybe he felt that if you didn't want to wear white for him, then you shouldn't be around when someone else does.

Now, okay - that last one was a little deep. Sometimes I can be a romantic in my heart and that kinda' came out in that answer. Any of me and Chucks answers could be right and they all could be wrong. But, in my heart, I don't think he dissed you per se, and I don't think he set out to offend you, I just think he just measured his responsibilities and priorities and did what he felt was best for his wedding, his wife and his marriage.

Taking it slow...

QUESTION: OK...here's my dilemma. I met this guy [recently] When we met, I was under the impression that we were fostering a friendship hence I worked very hard on maintaining the bounderies between a friendship and romantic relationship. I respected his wishes and the only feelings I allowed to progress were of caring and respect.

Here is the dilemma. Four months into our budding friendship, this guy tells me he loves me--twice. The first time he said this I thought maybe it was a slip of the tongue so I ignored it. I attempted to bring it up to him and he acted as though he did not know what I was referring to. Then, the next night we talked again and he stated he loves me again then hung up. Now, at this point I am panicking--big time. I did not know what to think and I did not want to make more out of it than it was. At the same time, I had to know what was going on. Therefore, when we talked again, I brought this issue up. At first he stated that he did not want to answer any of my questions so I may as [well] not ask them. So I did not push the issue. I dropped it. Then he went on to state that he did not want to talk about what I wanted to talk about. So I did not push the issue. I dropped it and attempted to change the subject. Then he stated, "I know what I said and you know what you heard." Still, to respect his wishes, I did not push the issue and proceeded with changing the subject. After that time, I felt him growing a little distant and aggravated with me. I am not one to express myself verbally so I sent him an e-mail and advised him of my reasons for wanting to take everything slow.

From what I have gathered from this GENTLEMAN thus far is quite impressive and very FOREIGN to me. Very foreign. To be straight forward, I question where this GENTLEMAN came from. We have great conversations, we are not sexually involved, he always ask about my day, he encourages me, has a great sense of humor, and to top it off, he is very intelligent and caring. Yet, he has been hurt, and so have I, in the past. I am afraid that if I do allow myself to give into this wonderful man, then I will not be able to appreciate him. It has been a very troubling trend in my family for broken women to attract wonderful men and stomp all over them. I desperately want to break that cycle in respect to my relations with men.

However, I have never seemed to attract a strong, Black man that is honest, has integrity, self-respect, hardworking, genuine, not into being a player, a good father and friend, and going somewhere in life. To top that off, he has said that he loves me. I have fantasized about a man of his caliber saying those beautiful words to me and when it finally happened, all I could do was stand there with a blank face and devoid of emotions and feelings. I want to take it slow for his sake and mostly for my sake. If I ever hurt this man in any respect, I don't think I could live with myself. It is odd that most of the slick, deranged, and counter-productive men have garnered my interest instantly. However, the man of my dreams is standing right here in my face and the only excuse I have is that "I am taking it slow..." What is wrong with me? Am I going crazy?

GARLAND: I don't think you're crazy at all. There is nothing wrong with taking ANYTHING slow when it comes to a developing relationship. If ANYTHING - most folks go too fast! They start dropping the word 'Love' too fast, they start hopping in the bed too fast, and they start having babies too fast! Keep taking it slow.

I think its a little odd though, that this guy was so hush-mouthed when it came to talking about the fact that he said he loved you. This is probably nothing at all, maybe its just a "Garland thing" (which means little to anyone except for me) but if a man tells a woman he 'loves her' then he should speak up about it! It shouldn't be something he's scared to say, or timid about, or trying to whisper! He should SHOUT it out - unashamedly! Proud! Fearing NOTHING! It shouldn't be something thrown calmly and quietly into a conversation about doing one's laundry. And then when asked about it - he shouldn't dodge it like a bullet! He should stick out his chest and wear it like a badge of honor! If this guy is still timid about using 'The L word' because he was hurt in the past - then he still has some healing to do, and he shouldn't use The Word 'till he can say it loud and proud!

My little issue aside - I'm happy for you both. I think taking it slow [and communicating the whole way] will lead you someplace very positive. You say that you both have been hurt before... honestly, almost EVERYONE has been hurt before and I'm sure that in most of those breakups where violence and criminal activity DIDN'T take place, they made us stronger and better in future relationships. And, as far as the romantic histories of the ladies in your family goes, use their actions as a road map for WHAT NOT TO DO! When you see yourself doing things they've done, or saying things they've said, or acting the way they've acted - STOP right in your tracks, back up a little and go in a different direction!!!

Keep taking your time, you and him are on no one's schedule but your own!

Thanks for the E-Mail and let us know how things develop!!!

CHUCK: Wow. Um, let me take a minute. Here we've got a guy who blurts out "I love you," and quickly denies it, like he's divulged some government secret, and a woman who approaches an attentive, intelligent man with as much caution as she would a minefield. What the hell is going on, people? Sometimes personal relationships are as hard to understand as fractal mathematics.

The key to what's holding both of you back is your personal histories. He allowed his declaration of love to stumble out like it did (TWICE!) possibly because he didn't know that you'd reciporocate. Or maybe because a man's not supposed to "tip his hand" like that. And you admittedly have been hurt before, and possess that suspicion that certain women have for guys who are not shady, unfaithful losers. Together, you seem to have enough baggage to fill a cargo hold.

Against all these negatives, though, I'm glad that you guys are trying to find a way to be together.The fact that relationships may have gone bad in the past is no reason to assume things always have to be that way. Be patient and give each other time (even if he tells you he loves you again), and you two may be able to stay together. Keep us posted.

"Gaydar" Signals

QUESTION: One of my best girlfriends has wanted a good, strong man for several years now. After dozens of losers in recent years, she's found this guy that seems to be really nice. The only problem is that I'm 95% sure he's on the down low. The GAY down low! When we first met him he gave off a real strong gay vibe and all of us assumed he was just a new friend that happened to be gay. Then we discovered that she was DATING him! We didn't say anything. But now I've run into him several times in public and each time he was with one or more guys that all seemed to be very effeminate. What should I do? Is she blind or am I out of my mind?

CHUCK: Before we start, let's define our terms:

Gaydar (n): an alleged mental process that permits individuals to determine, from certain fashion and behavioral clues, the sexual preference of another individual; used primarily in urban areas; rarely 100 percent accurate

Your friend's new man has evidently pushed your gaydar into the red.You haven't said exactly what it was that has convinced you that he's gay, other than his "strong gay vibe." Does he watch Gilmore Girls? Does he like drinks with umbrellas? Does he have more than one Sylvester album? Okay, enough. I'm kidding. Are you completely certain that he is a homosexual? He may just be displaying what we used to call "tendencies." As I said in response to a post a month or so ago, it's almost impossible for person to prove that they are NOT gay. Regardless of what in their lives, whether they get married, have a kid, etc., if someone's determined to think of them as gay, there's nothing that they can do. Think about that. You may be wrong.

If you remain determined that your friend's man is gay, feel her out about it. If you don't want to ask her directly, do it backhandedly ("Hey, don't you think that some of Tony's friends are gay?"). Let her response guide yours. If he is a homosexual, bi, etc., your friend could not know, or she could be in denial. In which case, all you can do is point out your suspicions. The ultimate choice is hers.

GARLAND: Does anyone remember a few years ago when "On the Down Low" mean a man and a woman were sneakin' and freakin' behind everybody's back? You know, when you could say stuff like, "Kevin and Tonya have been hookin' up on the down low for a while now..."

Anyway, I digress. I've actually kinda' seen this before... okay, who hasn't? But with the people I saw this happening to, I didn't know them well enough to say something to. One of the guys under suspicion, eventually got dumped by the girl and she gave some other excuse for dumping him. I still don't know whether he was or wasn't and I don't know if she knows either. With the other couple - they got married and still are.

I'm all for subtlety if this is truly your friend and you truly think that she's either blind or dumb. I'd lay down a few hints, kinda like Chuck said - the downside to this is you could be wrong and it could back fire in your face. Casually mention this guys tendencies that raise suspicion and see how she vibes with you. Maybe you'll strike a cord. Maybe not.

But I strongly recommend that you look carefully at your evidence against this guys 'straightness' - there might be a heterosexual explanation behind it. It doesn't sound like it to me... but that's me! So, my answer is - No, you're not out your mind and Yes, you're friend may be blind. But she may CHOOSE to be blind. She may be at the point where she's willing to settle for whatever has come her way. Approach her carefully.

Best wishes to all of you.

What Could Have Been

QUESTION: I was dating this man for almost a year and we stopped seeing each other for mutual reasons. He started dating this other woman five months after we stopped seeing each other and they were married three months later. They have been married for two years now and have a set of twin daughters. He seems very happy. When we were dating he always said he didn't want kids, neither did I. But seeing him now, as a father, I'm wondering if I made a mistake in letting him go. Maybe we could have had kids together, maybe it would have worked. I've wanted to talk to him, just to say hello, but he doesn't return my calls or E-Mails. Tell me why he won't speak to me. Why does he act like I don't exist anymore? He used to love me.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question. I hope my answer helps.

You say, "he used to love me..." There, you may have answered your own question.

This man probably did love you, and you may still hold a small, but special part of his heart. However, the larger portion of his heart may [and should] belong to his wife and little girls. That's most likely the reason he doesn't talk to you anymore. God knows I hate to use cliches on people, especially movie cliches, but I think one of my favorites is appropriate here: In the movie "Magnum Force" Clint Eastwod says, "A man has got to know his limitations." And this is true with your ex too. He has to know his limitations, and he probably does. You, and his old feelings for you are probably outside of his limitations, and he doesn't want to push his luck. Calling you and talking to you may just be a temptation he's not willing to face. He may be afraid that old desires might creep up and jeopardize the stability he has with his wife and kids.

You also say something that I have to pull you on: You admit that you're having a slight case of the "would'a, should'a, could'a's" but you claim to only call him up wanting to say, "Hello." Is this REALLY the case? I mean, are you JUST wanting to say "Hi?" I think it may be best for both of you to stay out of touch right now, especially because he's probably trying to do right by his wife and girls. Don't take his non-responsiveness as an insult or a rebuff. I think you should just look at him as a guy that took the line in his wedding vows, "forsaking ALL others" seriously.

Take his silence as his respect for his wife AND you. Some low-down guys would call you back to see if they could get some "for old times sake" lovin' from you, behind the wife's back - disrespecting YOU and her!

CHUCK: Is there any one of us who hasn't experienced the slightest twinge of wistfulness over an old flame? Even if it's just to imagine how our lives would have been different if we had stayed with a certain person. But I think that it's best to keep these kinds of thoughts in our imaginations, and not allow them to take hold in the real world.

Based on your own account, the reasons for your breakup were mutual. The time wasn't right for either of you then. Apparently, your ex found someone who he was ready to make a commitment to, in terms of marriage and fatherhood. Good for him. Some guys take forever to get around to doing that.

As charitably as I can say it, the reason that your ex-boyfriend acts like you "don't exist anymore," is because, for him, you can't. As a general rule, married women do not care for their husbands to continue their acquaintances with ex-girlfriends. At least that's my experience. Even a woman who trusts her husband explicitly would prefer him not to be around someone who might tempt him to stray. And any committed husband is not going to intentionally put himself in situations that would make his wife uncomfortable.

Actually, I think it's probably not healthy for you to dwell too much on what you had, and could have had with this man. In keeping with our usage of cliches this post, "that ship has sailed." The same way he found someone to change his views and make him happy, you're gonna find the same thing. Trust me.

Okay... but what about this?

COMMENT / QUESTION: An interesting comment with a question was left on the last post "Definition of a Bum" and I wanted to reply on the post screen.

-What about the times when the definition of a bum is not so plain? What distinguishes a "bum" from a dude who's down on his luck for an extended period of time, or are they one and the same?

GARLAND: I think this is a very good question [not that any questions are bad, but...]

I certainly feel for guys that get down on their luck. With the economy the way it is, with jobs sometimes hard to get and keep - I certainly don't consider men that have fallen on hard times, BUMS. I just don't. And I'm not totally against a man asking his girlfriend for A LITTLE help once or maybe twice (especially if he's gone to his 'boys' first).

I think a decent man would be pretty reluctant to ask his lady for help, because that is just the nature of a manly man. But if times are REALLY hard and the wolf is at the door, the need for a few hundred dollars here or there over a month or so might make all the difference. But I think a decent guy will go out of his way to make his girlfriend feel comfortable about giving him some cash - maybe signing a promissary note and maybe giving her his gameplan to get a new job. A decent guy will be very humble when asking, he'll be appreciative when receiving and most of all HE'LL PAY IT BACK WHEN HE SAYS!!!

Not to keep beating up on the young lady that left the last question... but a guy that is down on his luck, and having a brief period with little to no income - will NOT want to go out and be treated by his lady every weekend; he will NOT waste $2000 of his lady's money running his mouth on a cellphone; he will NOT spend time running around the country prentending to look for jobs; he will NOT use his woman's money in hair-brained get-rich-quick schemes and most of all he will NOT get mad at his lady when she mentions his repayment plan!!! THIS KIND OF MAN IS A BUM!

A decent man that is down on his luck, is going to be frugal with the money he is loaned; he is going to look hard and legitimately for work to get back on his feet; he is simply going to be appreciative of his woman's kindness, generosity and faith.

So no, a guy that is down on his luck is not the same thing as a bum. A BUM wants to stay where he is and a guy that is down on his luck WILL do something to better is situation.

Beef With the Ex

QUESTION: Chuck and Garland, judging from what I've read so far on this blog, I think I'm the first brother to drop you two a line. So I hope that's okay.

My wife and I just got a divorce last spring. We have two kids one 3 and one 8. I'm having problems with her and I don't know what to do about them. To start with, the divorce was her fault, she cheated and did some other crazy stuff and then it was over. I tried to stay civil through the divorce and even afterwards but she didn't make it easy. Now whenever I talk to her she likes to argue and blow things up, always in front of our kids. I don't want them to see us fight.

No matter what I do, she argues. I might call her and be polite and try to see how she's doing and she starts yelling and cursing, with the kids in the room with her. A few nights ago she dropped the kids off for my weekend and it was cold and rainy outside and I invited her in for a few minutes and she turned me down and said "no" like I was some stranger. As soon as the kids got in the house she drove off.

How can I get her to stop being so negative towards me and start treating me better in front of the kids?

GARLAND: Yeah – I think you are the first guy! So, THANKS!

In my opinion, I think you're still holding on too tight to the past. This woman is NOT still your wife. You start by saying, "My wife and I just got a divorce last spring…" First - she's not still your wife, and Second – the spring was almost a year ago, so just might not be the best word to use.

Calling to see how she's doing and inviting her in are just signs that you still want to be close to her, you still want to show her that you care about her and her well being. Unfortunately, the same doesn't hold true with her. Considering that you say she caused the divorce – she stopped caring about your well being long ago.

I'm sorry that’s the case. I'm willing to bet that she ended the marriage with her actions and you are the one carrying around the guilt. Am I right?

It's a crappy deal that you have here, but I think you just have to find a way, or talk to someone professionally that will help you find a way to cut your emotional strings with her. Yeah – I know you have kids, that makes it tougher, but you have to stop calling her to check on her and you have to stop inviting her into your home and you have to make sure you don't use your kids as a conduit to her. You sound like you still have a lot of feelings for her, but the solution to her negative demeanor lies with you. Don't give her an avenue to your feelings and she won't be able to hurt them. It sounds simple, but I know it won't be – please find a way to stop opening yourself up to her. Take care!

CHUCK: Our first question from a man, huh? The glass ceiling has been broken! Thanks for the question, brah. Hopefully, we can help.

People are sometimes given unrealistic expectations by the Media. For example, when celebrity couples get divorced, you always hear them say that "we hope to remain friends." And normal people actually think that can happen. Sometimes it's JUST NOT POSSIBLE. Not for Brad and Jen, and not for you and your ex-wife, apparently.

Unlike Garland, I don't necessarily think that you want to get back together with your ex. I hope not. Nothing you have described sounds like too much more than you just trying to be civil to me. And considering how your marriage ended, that you're even trying to remain civil is a credit to you.

I think the circumstances that led to the dissolution of your marriage may be the key to why she is so nasty toward you. If, as you say, things ended because of her cheating and bad behavior, and your children no longer have two married parents to raise them, she may be feeling guilty. And she may be turning the guilt and bad feelings she has about herself towards you. She probably thinks that if she provokes you long enough, you'll get angry at her, and then she will be the wronged party instead of you.

Don't take the bait, though. She is unhappy right now, and misery loves company. Try and talk to her, and let her know that you'd appreciate it if she didn't air her animosity out in front of the kids. Talk to the kids, and try to make them understand that the problems you and their mom are going through right now have nothing to do with them. Restrict your conversations with her to matters of necessity alone. And hang in there. She can't keep this chip on her shoulder forever.

Deadbeat Mom?

QUESTION: I've got a problem with a deadbeat. Not a man, but a woman--my mother. I think my mother loves me, but lately I feel like she thinks of me more as her personal ATM than a daughter. The problem is my mother seems to have a phobia, something called "workaphobia." My mother only seems to want to work under what she considers to be ideal conditions, despite the fact that she doesn't have the best marketable skills and hasn't tried to seek education/training to obtain those skills. There's always an excuse for why she quits a job or doesn't start a job she's been selected for. Some excuses are valid, but some are pure bullshit. Plus, my attitude is that a lot of us work jobs we may not like, but realize that the bills have to be paid somehow.

What also makes me angry is that she won't ask for or accept money from my brother. I think her rationale is that he's not married like me, less mature, not as financially-stable, and doesn't have as well-paying a job. What she seems to forget, however, is that I have more bills and responsibility than him. I feel like I'm being penalized for being stable and mature.

I think my mother thinks I've forgotten where I came from, the ghetto. I'll
never forget my ghetto upbringing, nor do I try to hide it, because it's a part
of me, but it's also something I'm determined to do everything in my power to avoid returning to or raising my child in.

I've got a lot of anger built up in me over this situation, and I'm trying not
to let it erupt at the wrong time or under the wrong circumstances. I truly
want to avoid an argument with my mother, but at the same time I know we need to discuss this, because I've decreased my communication with her because of my anger over this situation. In what way should I bring up this topic that may be least likely to lead to all-out war between us?

GARLAND: Out of everything in your question, you know the one word that caught me? GHETTO.

You said that you came from the GHETTO and you were brought up in the GHETTO and its a part of you... As I see it, GHETTO is an interesting word. To me, GHETTO is all mental, it's a mindset, it's an attitude, it's a state of being. A lot of people figure that the ghetto is where the projects are, the tall overcrowded, poorly maintained low income housing of most big cities. Or the ghetto is the run down neighborhood with hookers, crack dealers, and liquor stores on each corner. But GHETTO is a mindset.

You can live in a million dollar home, surrounded by other million dollar homes and still have neighbors that are GHETTO... they carry a lazy, triflin', self centered, anti-social attitude with them. They carry a GHETTO mindset.

I'm afraid your mom might be GHETTO. She doesn't want to work, she wants to mooch off of your hard work, and worst of all, she's making things hardest on probably her BEST child. Unfortunately, a lot of mothers coddle their male children - they say to themselves, "society is so hard on black men." These mothers accept that their male kids might not be worth a dime, so they bum off of their "girls." And what better way to keep you brokedown like her, than to tug at your economic foundation? The monthly "hit up" for cash.

I think you should just cut her off at the ankles. When she calls with her hand out, just tell her, "No." And don't act like its a big deal, just say, "Naw, I can't help you out, Ma." If she gets upset, just act like something else is going on and say, "Hey Ma, I gotta run, I'll talk to you later." It probably wouldn't help you to explain to her that she's crappin' her life away. So, you can just be a gold mine that dried up. But keep in mind, she may NEVER lose her ghetto mentality... just stop promoting it with an open purse. Good luck!

Chuck: Nobody will hem you up like your family. They know that you love them. They know that you would be reluctant to sever ties with them. So some family members will take advantage of that emotional connection and generosity as long as they can.

Your mom probably feels like this: "I changed her diapers when she was a baby. I made sacrifices for her as she grew up. She shouldn't have any problem helping me." But that line of thinking doesn't get you very far with me. Because, A) You were a child. What was she gonna do, send you to the mines to work at eight years old?; and, B) She is a grown woman, who presumably has no handicaps to prevent her from earning a living herself.

Your mother probably has, at one time or another, realized just about everything you stated about her. But awareness has to be accompanied by a will to change things. A will your mother seems to lack right now. I would hate to think that it might take something serious, like a financial or health emergency to get her off her butt, but that may be what would have to happen.

If, as you say, you're becoming angry dealing with this situation, you need to confront her about it, before you lose it, and hit her with an outburst that may have lasting effects on your relationship. I would not just approach her cold, though. I'd wait until she made another request for money. The way you make it sound, that won't be long.
I would then tell her how I felt, emphasize my feelings that I was being used, and the different treatment I thought that my brother was getting.

I'm not going to lie to you and say that this is a discussion that you can have, embrace, and walk away from. It could get tense. It could get ugly. But you need to have the talk, regardless of how it ends up. Maybe the lack of someone to fall back on financially will force her to take more responsibility for her life. I hope it will.

Bygones and Booty Calls

QUESTION: I dated this man named Aaron for almost a year. Right before we broke up, I started getting some indications that he might be seeing someone behind my back. I was right. He was sleeping with this married woman at his job. I was hurt because I thought we had a future togther, but I wasn't going to tolerate cheating. We had a loud and angry breakup. This was four months ago. Now out of the blue, he starts calling me five or six times a week. He doesn't talk like he wants to get together to date again, he talks like he wants to sleep with me again. I don't want anything to do with that. I've told him but he keeps calling. Why won't he get it through his thick dreads that I want nothing to do with him?
What is he thinking?

Chuck: He is thinking, in the immortal words of Bobby Brown, "It's my perogative."

He's thinking that, despite the fact that he betrayed your trust by cheating on you with a married woman, and that you had a loud and angry breakup with him, it's been four months, and you'll still agree to roll around in the sheets with him again. Aaron is basically thinking that since all of that meant nothing to him, it should also mean nothing to you.

This is a crucial miscalculation men frequently make with women: They assume that women view sex as casually as they do. Some men can separate the emotional component from sex pretty easily, and just look on it as stress relief, recreation, what have you. Women, in most circumstances, need to feel something other than indifference or seething hatred for their sexual partners. That's just my opinion, but am I right?

You're not willing to put the past behind you for a booty call with this guy. And you shouldn't continue to get pressure from him to change your mind. State to him, as firmly as you can, that what he wants to happen isn't going to happen, and to leave you alone. If he doesn't get the message, change your number. Cut this guy out of your life.

GARLAND: I agree with Chuck.

This guys is doing nothing more than casting his line and seeing where the fish are biting. Sorry to use this kind of metaphor, but it is true. You are absolutely right in assuming that he doesn't want to get back with you, in the dating sense. He's looking for sex and he's assuming that he was good enough under the sheets (or on the floor, or on the kitchen table, or on the ugly green sofa in the basement) that you'd be willing to let him back in for some off-the-record lovin'.

Guys can have the uncommital sex with little to no problems. Most (not all) of you ladies can't. If you took a quick survey of 10 guys - 8 of them would probably tell you that they could have absolutely enjoyable sex with a woman that was mad at them or not speaking to them. This is sad, but it's true.

So, what is he thinking?

He's thinking that you may be just lonely enough and he was just good enough to warrant a late-nite invite to your place and your bed. There is nothing more to it. Nothing grand, no great scheme, no undercurrent of held back emotion - he's just testing the waters. If you want him to stop testing your water... threaten to drown him.

All dogs go to heaven?

QUESTION: I went to dinner with my cousin and three girlfriends last night and of course we ended up talking about men. My cousin had one of your business cards with this website on it. We thought this whole thing of yours was a cute idea and we wanted to put you to the test. Answer this: Why are so many men dogs and con artists?

GARLAND: Please thank your cousin for even showing our business cards to you all!!!

Ahhh, the age old question - WHY ARE MEN DOGS?

And this is supposed to be a test question? Okay - well, as far as men being dogs goes, men will only do what you all let us do. Now, let me put my disclaimer up front: "Some men are absolutely perfect when it comes to cheating and being underhanded in a relationship. These men don't make mistakes, they manage their time well, they cover all their bases. These men are an anomaly in the realm of men being dogs."

Now that that is out of the way for now. I say that most men will only get away with what you ladies let us get away with. I can't count the number of times that I have seen women allow the men they meet to only give them their cell phone number, or their mother's home number, or allow them to give a nickname like "Pookie" or "Dey Dey" or instead of giving a real address, these guys say, "Oh I live down on Bingham off of Chelsea..." When men are allowed to give this kind of obscure personal information and women still date these men or sleep with these men - the men can't legitimately be called dogs. Can they?

If you pet a snake and he bites you, then he can't be called mean can he? After all, snakes bite people and you could see that he was a snake, so you basically should have known what you where in for. The same holds true for guys that dog women out. Many times the warning signs are plain as day, but so many women turn the other cheek or flat out deny that just because she hasn't been to Pookie's house for six months and she can only reach him on his pager, everything is fine. If more women critically looked at the men in their lives, the so called dogs would be pretty easy to spot and easy to get rid of before they do any harm.

Then you come back to the anomaly I mentioned above. These guys are a work of art. Cruel, mean spirited, art. These guys aren't dogs. Frankly, I grew up with dogs - German Shepherds mostly - fine, strong, beautiful, intelligent animals. To call these men dogs is to truly take away from the canine species. These men that skillfully and deftly abuse the trust of their women, are nothing more than bottom feeding scum. I don't know what to tell you about them. But if you're dating a guy or married to one, make sure his act is together. NO! don't go rummaging through his wallet or his E-Mails, but just make sure his actions and his words make sense. Trust your instincts and don't fall into that arrogant and narrow minded thought pattern of "Oh, that could never happen to me." Because that's when it will!

Please make sure you E-mail us our grade! : )

CHUCK: Thanks for checking in to the website and hitting us up with a question. I guess Garland is right. It pays to advertise.

As for your question: Men cheat and lie for very simple reasons. The same reason that cute girl thought she could stick up a bank and talk on her cell phone at the same time. The same reasons that the Enron execs cheated their stockholders and employees. The same reason that George Bush thought... Wait. Sorry. That's for my other blog.

Some people believe that they are superior to other people, and the rules we should live by don't apply to them. Further, they feel as though they are entitled to exploit people that they feel are weaker, less intelligent, and more trusting than them. So, these guys take advantage of women's trust, and, let's be frank, their gullibility, and run roughshod through their money, their sex lives, their feelings.

That's Why. Now here's one for free: How. As in, how do you avoid getting taken by these guys. And it's an answer most of you already know. As Garland says above, you women need to trust your instincts. If you date a guy for, say, six months, and he never let's you visit him at home, either he lives with his parents, or in a more complicated circumstance. If your contact with him is booty calls exclusively, and he avoids being seen in public with you, he may be trying not to get caught by his other women. If he's always hitting you up for money, he might be a deadbeat bum.

I'm not suggesting that women necessarily need to be less trusting. Lord knows we have enough of that already. But when there is some suspect information out there, and you hear a little voice in your head telling you something's not right, don't block that voice out out of hand.

Hope you got something out of our answers. If you did, tell a friend. We're here for you.

Step-father Figure

QUESTION: My girlfriend got engaged to a guy about five months ago and moved him into her home three months ago. She also has a nine year old son by a man who lives in another state and doesn't see his son. She is allowing her fiance' to make dramatic changes to her household and the way her and her son live. This man pretends to be very religious and constantly tells her that he can make a man out of her son. She lets him come between her and her son and she lets him over rule her decisions when it comes to her son. Tayvon used to always play outside and he had a lot of friends from his school and he used to be very active. Now, he's always in the house, or playing exclusively with the fiance' and his nephew. The whole thing is very strange. I've tried to warn her, her family and other friends have tried to warn her that this man may not be good for her or her son. But she ignores all of us. We think that she's just desperate to have a man's influence in her son's life. As men, how do you all feel about this situation and what do you think will open her eyes?

GARLAND: How do I feel? I feel a little pissed and a little worried. Personally, I've seen situations like this before and while two are still unfolding, the others have already run their courses.

I think with guys like this they are trying one of two things - to be the man their father was or the man their father wasn't. Now, with most real fathers, there is a happy medium between the two, [BTW - good step-fathers DO count as real fathers] but with guys like your friend's fiance' - these guys can sometimes be a little screwed up in the head. First of all, they most likely know nothing about being a father, second - they know that some single moms will be so happy to have a man that is willing to spend time with their child they'll allow these men to do just about anything and third - they have probably seen one too many war movies and figure the best way to make a boy into a man is with an extreme 'boot-camp' style structure in the kids life.

It's not good that she's letting this guy make household type decisions before they even get married. If I had a dollar for every couple I know that was engaged and never got married or just stayed "engaged" for five or six years - I'd have a lot of money! I wouldn't be rich, but I'd be well-to-do! It's also not good that she's allowing him to come between her and her son. I'll bet you $100 that he's told her, "Tayvon is a momma's boy! He needs to spend time with me to toughen up!" That sounds like a typical line from a typical psycopathic, controlling scrub.

So, I'm not saying anything new. This guy sounds shady and controlling. And, your girlfriend sounds dim-witted and desperate. What would get through to her? Maybe a group intervention where you all sit down with her and talk to her about this new guy might open her eyes. Maybe she's so blinded that when you all come to her one at time she can fend you off with plain old stupidity. But a group assault will work.

Then again, maybe you all need to try and open her eyes to her foolishness by making her defend this guy over and over. Maybe you all should ask her if you could have her son over for a visit or overnight. Each person should ask her about three days apart for a couple of weeks. When she finds herself telling all of you a bunch of nonsense reasons why her son can't leave the house, maybe her eyes will start to open.

Unfortunately, I'm really not sure if any of these will work, I certainly hope one of them will, especially if you all really think this guy's presence is damaging to Tayvon's development, I think your instincts are on point. This guy sounds weird. Good luck!

CHUCK: I feel that while it's generally accepted knowledge that a male child will benefit from exposure to a male authority figure (and what, female children won't?), it is questionable whether exposure to just ANY kind of male authority figure is helpful. A potential stepfather that is smothering and restrictive may ultimately do as much harm as good.

Your friend has obviously bought into the hype concerning the supposed inadequacy of women to raise men alone. And now that she has found Stepdad, she seems to have given over almost all of her parental authority to him. You've known Tayvon before this guy's influence, and the changes being forced on him are unsettling to you. I understand you feeling how you do.

HOWEVER... You are standing on the outside of your friend's relationship. Can you really say that you know everything that is taking place here? First of all, should we give the guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he has the best interest of the child in mind? Do you think he's just misguided, or do you think think there's some kind of cultish thing at work here? What do you know about the discussions your friend may have had with this man about raising her son?

The answers to these questions are things that you may never know. And I think that although you and I may not agree to how Stepdad is running Tayvon's life, there is very little you can do about it. Especially if you do not want to risk losing her friend. You and her family have spoken to her about it. She's unreceptive. Barring any more evidence of Stepdad's bad influence, I think that an intervention might do more harm than good. At this point, the best thing to hope for might be that this guy moves on before he gets married to your friend, and the brainwashing starts for real.

Downward Spiral? Turn it around!

E-MAIL TO CHUCK & GARLAND: I am an overweight, dark-skinned woman with major personal issues. I am painfully shy, deathly afraid of rejection, and insecure. To many, I exude confidence. Yet, on the inside I feel so broken-hearted and my spirit is very weak. In my life, I have not experienced many intimate relationships and this makes me so very sad. The ones that I have "experienced" have left me broken-hearted, confused, and feeling even worse about myself. As much as I want to believe that GOD has a special person set aside for me, I honestly do not believe that I will end up in a happy, healthy, and loving relationship (or even an unhappy, unhealthy, and unloving relationship for that matter). I have achieved many social goals in my life (I am highly educated) and I am steadily improving career-oriented goals. It's just painful to have no one to share my hopes, dreams, fears, successes, and failures. Holidays, milestones, and my birthday have become so insignificant because I have absolutely no one to share such joyous and happy moments with. I hate "celebrations" with a passion because they remind me of how alone I really am. I am an only child, my mother is deceased, I never knew my father, and I have a very distant relationship with my remaining family. I do have an intimate circle of friends but they have their own busy professional lives, families, and we are not all living in the same place. Plus, I feel that I am more supportive of them yet when I need them, it is too much of a burden to simply listen and understand. I never ask for anything except a sympathetic/empathetic ear from time to time. Sometimes I can maintain and pull myself out of an emotional rut. At other times I feel helpless and hopeless and feel that I have no one to turn to. I'm just tired and sometimes it is very hard to go on. I have lived so long with loneliness, desperation, and isolation to the point that it has taken its toll on me mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, and financially. At one point, I just shrugged it off. However, now I want to be happy, festive, and loving. Yet, I can't get my insides aligned with the facade I put on. I hate lying to myself and this hypocrisy makes me sick, sad, and angry. I just want to be honest at all time and I hate lying to myself and others because I feel that they deserve so much better.

GARLAND: I want to thank you so much for sharing yourself with us like that. After a few months of dead-beat dads, undercover brothers, and stupid ex's your E-Mail is really making me pause. I see that your E-mail really isn't a question, but I want to share my thoughts with you.

First, I absolutely understand that you want to be happy and you want to make NOW your time. You need to try hard to not lie to yourself by putting on the happy facade while you are sad inside. When it's all said and done, you're the only person that really knows you, and if you try to fake it when you look in the mirror, eventually you won't know up from down. Always be honest with yourself, even when that honesty might not be exactly what you want.

You took the time to send this E-Mail to us... to me that's the sign of a person that knows what she wants and is trying to find ways to make it happen. I hope me and Chuck can give you some positive reinforcement.

I'm glad that you believe God has a special plan for you and your heart, I'm sure that whatever it is, it will come to you when it is supposed to. Unfortunately, such things don't seem to come at the exact moment we want them to - make sure you pray that God lets you know when your blessings arrive. You don't want to be looking down and tying your shoes when your blessing walks into the room.

I know that sometimes when happiness, or love, or companionship and things like that don't seem to be when and where we want them, it's up to us to put events in place that change our alignment with the universe. Basically, sometimes we have to step out of our norm to cross paths with new faces and new places that create a new dynamic in our lives. I think you should give that a try - shop at new stores and markets, drive a different way to work, check out that new jazz spot across town, visit a different church, eat lunch at a new restaurant, buy gas from the BP instead of the Exxon... see what I mean? Change your dynamic a little, see what's around a new corner.

All of what I just said is my opinion, my "professionally-untrained" opinion I'd like to remind you. I'd really like for you to talk to a professional about your feelings though. Please don't take offense to me saying that, and don't think I'm taking what you said lightly. I hope my comments above give you some positive vibes, but a trained professional will give you exactly the support and the emotional vehicles that I think will make you feel better. I don't want you to slip into a deeper depression. Your medical doctor will be able to recommend someone, and if you don't have a physician you're comfortable with, your local health department should be able to recommend someone. The key is not holding your emotions in check. I'm glad you started by sending us an E-Mail, now I ask that you continue by speaking to a professional. Please drop us another E-Mail soon and let us know how you're doing. Okay?

CHUCK: I'm glad that you took the time to send us an email. There are a lot of people out there living lives of quiet desperation, feeling alone and unloved, and it is painful to think about. There is so much in life to do, see, and experience, but some of us can only focus on the things that we don't have, the things that make us feel like less of a whole person. And I can honestly say that I know some of what you're feeling because I have felt that way a few times in life myself.

What kept me going when I was feeling that way was the thought that these feelings, this situation couldn't last forever. And my attitude towards life is that I always want to see what happens next. It's difficult to be optimistic sometimes, but the same way nothing good lasts forever, nothing bad does either.

Everything that Garland suggests (developing a different mental outlook, look to new places for different experiences) is great, but I really don't know if you're at a point where that advice will do you any good. You didn't use the word, but I will. I think what you're suffering from is depression. Your combined feelings of sadness and hopelessness seal it for me.

I think that the best thing that we untrained individuals can do in this instance is refer you to some professionals. Please, PLEASE search the internet, check the phone book in your area for help with depression. We as Black people too seldom seek out the help we may need psychologically, before it is too late. Seek assistance to pull yourself out of this situation you are in. There are people who want to help you.